Other woman is pregnant...

[holisticlori]

Hi I’m new here so sorry if I ramble. I’m not used to forums...
I have been with my partner for almost five years. We have a son together who was born in March this year, and we’ve never actually had any problems - or so I thought!

Whilst I was heavily pregnant with our son in Feb, I got a message on Instagram from some throwaway/fake account claiming that my partner was cheating on me, and claiming they could prove it.
Initially I ignored them but they wouldn’t stop messaging so I blocked them. They ended up making two more to message me, after blocking the second, I was getting annoyed, so when the third popped up, I simply answered “instead of just claiming you can prove it, ACTUALLY prove it. Just because you say you can, that doesn’t exactly make me believe you. Hard evidence please otherwise shut up.” They never replied, so I forgot all about it.
I guessed someone was just being cruel and trying to cause trouble! At 29 years old old myself I wasn’t having any of it!
Well.
That was until yesterday when my partner came home from work early, and I was of course at home with our son.
I asked “what have they sent you home for? Are you alright?” And he looked pale and shaky so I assumed he was ill, but he told me to sit down and kept saying over and over and over “I’m so sorry.” So I told him he was scaring me, what has he done?
He blurted it all out that back in May he had a one night stand with a new-ish colleague at his work, and now she’s claiming to be pregnant with his baby...
At this moment, I remembered the messages from February and brought them up to him. He said that was absolutely not true.She was only new at his company in May, and the night in question had been her ‘welcome aboard’ party, which I did actually know about, and I know that she arranged it all at the local pub. I have NEVER had any reasons not to trust him before now and he’s never treated me badly or lied to me before - that I’m aware of anyway! So I don’t think he’s lying about that. But then again maybe he is! Who knows anymore?! I asked him why he didn’t tell me about it before and he said because it was a massive mistake and that he regretted it so much and wanted to pretend it never happened and it would never happen again. He insists that they did use protection and she also claimed to be on the pill, so he doesn’t understand how this could have happened. He came home very early hours of the morning that night, I remember, and had the audacity to cuddle up to me in bed!!!! After having done the dirty with her!!!! At the time I just assumed that he’d ended up going back to one of his colleague’s houses to drink more after the pub shut! I feel like such an idiot! 😞
I told him to get some proof that she’s pregnant first, and he says he intends to. I asked what he’s going to do, and he said he doesn’t know because he doesn’t want her, he loves me, but clearly he doesn’t if he’d cheat! I said to him he doesn’t love me and he can't just try to force her to have a termination, as much as it kills me to say that, but it’s her choice and he’s the one who cheated! And he said “I do actually love you. But no I know I can’t force her. It would be easier though. But I know I can’t ask her to do that.” So I told him I need a break from him at the very least. We both cried, he kept apologising, but he ended up respecting my wishes (eventually!) and leaving, he’s stayed the night at his sister’s (confirmed by her). I haven’t slept. I just keep crying. I can’t believe that he’s done this. I really had no idea at all. No red flags, nothing! He’s never been nasty to me or cheated before, he’s never been manipulative or lazy or anything! I always thought we’d had a good sex life and that he’d always found me attractive - he said so! So why would he do this? Our relationship has always been amazing! Obviously not! What on Earth do I do now? How can I cope if she really is pregnant with his child and decides to keep it? What about our son?! Only four months old and already his Daddy has torn our family apart! He’s an amazing Dad to our son, and is very hands on. I just can’t believe he’s done this...
I’m in so much shock! Heartbroken.
Sorry this is so long

Oh OK that update sounds worse then. He may have even cheated twice. It could be two separate women. what an ass he is.

I’m not too sure about her age? She looks like she might be younger than us, but then again you can’t always tell by looks. I look younger than I am...
I don’t know if she’s keeping the baby to be honest, she didn’t say. She didn’t seem particularly thrilled about any of it either!
She referred to it as “this thing” twice during our short conversation.
I don’t actually know if he’s been abusive to her? She said they haven’t actually spoken much since; only about work related stuff and when she told him she was pregnant. Apparently he didn’t say much aside from “no way” a lot, and that he didn’t know if he believes her.
To be verbally abusive would also be very out of character for him...But then so was cheating! I wish I knew what was going on with him.

Hmm I remember him reeking of booze that night, but not perfume or anything. He doesn’t actually drink very often - very rarely at most!
So part of me wants to think it was a horrible drunken mistake... I really do want to think that. Ugh.
And as for the messages on Instagram, they were sent from throwaway accounts/fake names as I said, with no avatar, no pictures, no followers etc so I just assumed they were some pathetic troll. They weren’t apologetic...if anything, they were very immature and almost ‘laughing’ at the whole thing. That sort of attitude anyway. So I dismissed it as trolling. Maybe they were, and it was just very unfortunate timing? I don’t know.

I don’t know what to think anymore. I am so confused.
I already told him yesterday that I need a break at the very VERY least.
Before he left he said he’ll do anything, even couples’ counselling.
Surely that means something?? Maybe not. Who knows?

The house is mine. He moved in with me shortly before I found out I was pregnant with our son. He always paid his way though and helped out around the house, helped with the baby, was supportive during my pregnancy etc. So I don’t understand?
His sister is bringing him over tomorrow but ONLY to see our boy. I said I’m not ready to be talking about “us” yet. I don’t know if he will adhere to that though! I’ll just stay out of the way I think...

God I’m so confused. No idea what to think or do.
This is so out of character. I’m truly baffled by this!
Part of me hopes she’s lying but even if she is, he still went there with someone else on a night out 😞

I’m sorry OP, what an awful situation. I too would assume the February messages were true, even if it was a different woman. I suspect he has only come clean now because the pregnancy has forced his hand. There is no way I would be able to trust him again, he’s clearly very good at concealing his true self by playing the loving husband.

I very much doubt she is lying OP, she has no reason to as it seems she is not pursuing your DH after finding out he was cheating on his fiancée. I understand this must be awful to have to deal with though.

Why does he have to be brought round by his sister??

I’m so sorry OP. It also sounds to me like there just be some truth in those messages from Feb.

I think I’d cut and run if I were you. You’re in a strong position house-wise. And you sound like a strong person. This is utterly shit for you though

I just want to reiterate that they didn’t know each other in Feb when I got those messages. She moved to the area in Apr and she even confirmed it was just the one night in May and she felt like he’d used her so “couldn’t be arsed with him anymore”.
Sorry if I’m being confusing here. My head is a mess!
Apologised.

The messages were off some throwaway/fake accounts, and were very childish sounding.
Very “ha-ha” if that makes sense?
But as I said, she wasn’t on the scene then.

Yes we have been using condoms since I was pregnant with our son.
She had the condom that night apparently. Even she said that. She said she “only had one left in her bedside drawer so she definitely knew they’d used one.”

...Actually, now that I’m thinking about it, her saying “I only had one left” makes it sound like she’s slept with others lately... I didn’t even think of that... 🤔 Hmm.
(Not judging her for sleeping with whomever she wants as that’s her business - unless it’s my fiancé! - but could that imply other potential fathers here...? Hm.)

Apologies*

You say you are certain that he has never cheated on you before...but if he hadn’t got this woman pregnant and been forced to come clean about it then you would still be feeling certain that he had never cheated on you at all even in this instance. I don’t believe that those messages were just a trouble maker making something up. He must have been cheating with someone else or at the very least flirting and intended to cheat on you with whoever it was.

His sister is coming because she offered, and I said yes I would like her to be there.
She doesn’t want him to forget what he’s really here for (our son) and wants to be there to be able to take him back out again if things get heated.

I read “only had one left” as they’d probably had sex more than once that night.

I get what you’re saying but the way the messages were worded, it was all very childish. It was almost like some petty teenager had written it.
From memory, the first one said;

“Just FYI partner’s name is cheating on you and I can prove it. There’s been texts. I’ve seen them. So funny seeing you play happy families though with your baby on the way. Lmfao!”
Sorry but that just sounded like a trouble maker to me personally. :/
No adult in their right mind would believe that surely? They didn’t ever show me any proof just claimed they’d “seen texts”?
Hmmmm

So sorry OP.

Yes saying she only had one left does make it sound like she's maybe slept with others but they may have slept together more than once. He can ask for a DNA test anyway if she is pregnant.

I would absolutely believe those messages from February if it were me, especially after you’ve posted what they said. Knowing the specifics of your family is quite telling, I suspect he’s a serial cheat OP.

Op I'm so sorry your going through this. You and your tiny baby deserve better. Tbh... I couldn't be with a man who could betray me when I was at my most vulnerable eg just postpartum. The fact he did it when you had just had a baby is discracful and for me makes it doubly not okay. I personally couldn't forgive it but this is your choice.
If your minded to though, remember things won't go back to how they were for a long time if ever. You have to decide if you can live with that. Also if the baby is his you won't financially or physically be able to forget the affair as your child has a sibling.
I'm very sorry

So sorry to read this. It does sound like a one off that he immediately regretted. Some people do manage to move on from that and make things work. I don't know if I could.

That all sounds shit for you op.
However I also believe he’s a serial cheater. The messages in Feb are most likely not just a coincidence.

nope we used protection for defianant! I only had one left in the bed side draw I know that much and now I don’t have any atall! So I know we def used one that night and then he just f**ked off and left to go home!!

... From her messages

Although those messages sound childish that's the way my Sil and her friends talk. They're all around 25

He's a serial cheat and only come clean because he has to.

Hmmm I don’t personally think I believe the messages because of how they were written and the cowardice of the multiple fake accounts. Maybe if the person had been on their own account and messaged me like a grown up, I’d believe it...
But they seemed so petty that it’s hard to believe.
I really don’t think he’s a serial cheat to be fair.
None of this adds up and it’s so out of character.
I’m not going to forgive him just like that, before anyone thinks that I’m just going to take him back. But it really doesn’t add up and his own family are stunned so I think that says a lot.
The girl/woman is very angry with him too for him using her which I do understand. But...
I don’t know. This all seems off but not in a “He’s a serial cheat” way. It really genuinely is not like him at all.

Well that message in feb was not from a random person as they know you, they know your partner’s name and they know you were having a baby. That’s awful and it sounds like a different person.

With the timings you know of and the fact this woman is so pissed off, I would believe her.

The earlier anonymous messages were probably a different woman, even worse!

I would believe that he was extremely drunk and lost his inhibitions and it was one night with her - as she sounds annoyed with him as well.

February - the tone does sound like someone making trouble, rather than someone who cares about you. However, the question is whether there is any substance behind it, and if there is, then it is with a different person. But there is no proof on that one, whereas what happened in May is confirmed.

I think you are right to take some time to yourself and let the dust settle, so to speak. Make sure you look after yourself

OP you've had a horrible shock. This is so upsetting and at a very vulnerable time for you.

It's not surprising that you're looking for an excuse or explanation for this. But try to be realistic. Stop focusing on catching the person out or calling them childish.

Focus on the betrayal of your husband instead.

Again making up fake accounts is exactly how the girls in my SIL group act. I'm only a few years older but I always roll my eyes at how they behave.

You don't have to believe it but I'd bet an awful lot on it no being a coincidence.

I don't think they're the same woman

If it helps you to ignore the February messages, then do so, and deal with what you have in front of you ie a colleague of your husband’s pregnant with his child.

Sorry that is so awful especially as you have a young baby yourself. I wouldn’t trust a word he says from now on.