Is 49 a reasonable age, for your sex life to be over?

[AmIaskingfortoomuch]

Would love some opinions on this. I'm 49. DH is 46. Our sex life is leaving me wanting (under statement). Having been rejected many times, I have stopped initiating. We tend to go 3 weeks, then I get grumpy, he realises he needs to step up....we have sex...and then another 3 weeks goes by. This is the cycle we are caught up in.

We have had "the chat" a gazillion times. Every time we do have sex, he says how much he misses it (and misses me) and promises to change. But change never happens.

This month I have made a conscious effort not to get grumpy when 3 weeks have passed with no sex. We are due to go on a date on Saturday, and by then it will be four weeks without sex. I'm not saying a word. I'm going to see how many weeks he can go without. I might send him a Congrats card if we make 10 weeks.

Anyway, my real question is whether I'm expecting too much, to have a regular sex life at 49? What age do you think is acceptable for it to be all over?

OP please don't believe your sex life is over. I'm 50 and having the best sex of my life with a new partner a year older than me. We literally can't keep our hands off each other. When I was on POF I had messages from men the same age and older so they are still interested in women their own ages otherwise I wouldn't have come up on their searches.

Although this must be a traumatic time it's good that you discovered this now as it could be the catalyst needed to make a change in your relationship.

Minitheminx, for me it would be worse if he preferred porn to me, rather than have a porn addiction.

I don't know a huge amount about porn addiction, but am more inclined to have a little more sympathy than a lot of people do and think it can be just as real as other addictions, whereas often people don't think that, but after saying that if it was an addiction it's still affecting the OP, is it worth bothering with him? Personally I don't think I could be bothered going through the effort trying to get him to fix it and sort out his addiction.

Why on earth didn't he want you
in the old days men could sort of get away with sex which was purely about their pleasure, these days most women feel empowered to expect sex which is mutually satisfying, I feel that some men (and maybe some women) feel so superior that they instinctively reject the idea of giving to the other person, it has to be all about them

Kick him out.

Well done on the message and well done on tackling him.
NO, he would not download 100's of videos if he was just 'trying' it.
What a load of crap.
So he also thinks you are stupid!!?????
Nice!
You are doing the right thing.
You can have a fabulous sex life with someone else.
I can't believe you haven't had oral for 11 years.
Anyone who wouldn't go down on me would be out the door.
That's the best bit.
Stop depriving yourself by staying with this man.
Get out there and enjoy life.
I'm 50 and love sex.
Although I have been very happily single for over a year due to being screwed over.
By a porn addict no less!!!!
You deserve more.
Can you imagine another 30+ years of this!?
Hell no.
You've got the ball rolling.
Well done!

This is a bit of an aside but those of you who are post menopause and still have a strong sex drive do you think this is because of HRT?
In my case I didn't use HRT and my sex drive is now very low, high sex drive can be a good thing if you are able to get the gratification that you crave but if you can't get it a high sex drive feels like torture (ime)

It might be an idea to start your own thread, @Whosorrynow.

No!!! Simple as that!!

What age do you think is acceptable for it to be all over?

It's acceptable when it's acceptable to you. Easily managed when you're single , however I get that differences in this respect will cause problems in a relationship.

Just to add, I'm 52 and I really hope it's not all over. It's a bit quiet at present but these things ebb and flow

dump him. It will only get worse

It shouldn't be over at 49. We are in our early 60s and it definitely isn't over.

Thanks everyone. Well, we had a BIG talk. The first thing he did when he got up, was to delete it all. He cried. Said he was trying to find his Mojo and can't seem to. Said that he knows he is failing me. We talked for hours. I don't know where we go from here really. I love him. He says he loves me. We have a great life together, apart from the infrequency of sex. And obviously now this. I did tell him, that porn ruins relationships and he has promised to not view any more....I have made it clear, that if I find another stash it's game over for us. I don't even want to have sex with him, or anyone at the moment, what a passion killer. I think I could actually not care about him viewing porn IF we had a regular sex life. It's the fact that we don't that's the kick in the teeth here. So, I guess we just bumble on now, and hope that things improve. Thank you so much for the replies, I am going to read them all again.

I'm not very knowledgable about these things but if there were 'hundreds' then he needs to get professional help.

“ Root cause”

These people provide online support to people who are trying to quit porn and their partners

www.nakedtruthrecovery.com/

Sex lode always better when you get with someone new! Personally I’d make relationships like a PCP contract. But new, drive for a few years and when it shows signs of slowing down, trade it in!

Life

Did you mention the oral OP ?? For me that would be the killer. He might step up to the plate regarding more regular sex, but for me that would have to mean giving you pleasure in that respect too.

Just want to reflect back to you 'he says he loves me', 'so I guess we just bumble on from here'. This is you accepting this situation which is fine if you are absolutely sure you're ok with it. Things won't miraculously fix themselves and deep down you know it.

Did you mention the oral OP ?? For me that would be the killer. He might step up to the plate regarding more regular sex, but for me that would have to mean giving you pleasure in that respect too.

I don't understand this. - why should anyone have to do anything that they don't want to do? What if ops husband says that there's something that he really wants to do but she isn't keen - are you suggesting that she should do it just to give him pleasure?

Jesus @ShatnersWig. Don't want to leave that comment unanswered even though it's a bit late. I can't remember your situation, whether it's a medical issue or something else. I wonder how people live at all sometimes.

She just didnt want to have sex any more. She was 40, I was 30, had been together 5 years. It had been fine at the beginnings, although she didn't like oral (giving or receiving) or much foreplay at all. Then after a couple of years it was "too tired" during the week and became Sunday mornings only. And never anything other than two positions. Then tailed off. Then stopped. And said she'd never had a sex drive before me either. I stayed for another five years of a sexless relationship as I did love her. Messed my head up and my self esteem though and eventually I left.

That was 9 years ago. Been single ever since, handful of dates. Feel like a bloody monk now!

I don’t think you should end it with someone you have an otherwise good relationship with.

All couples go through difficult times, you need to work through them.

You’ve done the right thing. He’s opened up. I would work on things, go to couples counselling, get some medication/see the GP, whatever. Until you’ve tried all avenues to repair what you’re not happy with, I wouldn’t give up on the relationship just yet.

Rejecting him will turn him on OP. Especially if you haven't done it before. Men like things they can't have so you'll probably find you'll have the best sex you've had in a long time after you do that. Good luck. 😉