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Original poster

Is 49 a reasonable age, for your sex life to be over?

294 replies

AmIaskingfortoomuch · 22/07/2019 20:25

Would love some opinions on this. I'm 49. DH is 46. Our sex life is leaving me wanting (under statement). Having been rejected many times, I have stopped initiating. We tend to go 3 weeks, then I get grumpy, he realises he needs to step up....we have sex...and then another 3 weeks goes by. This is the cycle we are caught up in.

We have had "the chat" a gazillion times. Every time we do have sex, he says how much he misses it (and misses me) and promises to change. But change never happens.

This month I have made a conscious effort not to get grumpy when 3 weeks have passed with no sex. We are due to go on a date on Saturday, and by then it will be four weeks without sex. I'm not saying a word. I'm going to see how many weeks he can go without. I might send him a Congrats card if we make 10 weeks.

Anyway, my real question is whether I'm expecting too much, to have a regular sex life at 49? What age do you think is acceptable for it to be all over?

OP posts:
1forAll74 · 23/07/2019 01:48

Once again,Porn has come into the picture again,so to speak, as it's always a topic that is often mentioned on here, regarding relationship problems.

But anyway, sex at 49 is not in anyway,a cut off age for sex and passion,and you know that op,because of the way you feel etc. I suppose you will now have to discuss the porn issue with your husband, and also your desires for a better sex life, and see what transpires, and moreso,what you want to happen.

cokecola · 23/07/2019 02:06

Sorry Op, your dh has a porn addiction plain and simple and probably always has, since you've already had this issue with him in the past.
This is an issue that more and more are facing and it's very very difficult to fix.
I recommend you visit r/loveafterporn on Reddit to see what's involved with staying with a porn addict, but even preferable would be to leave him, as many times it's not worth the permanent pain and rejection you have and will continue to endure.
He's already put your self esteem in the shitter, and it's not going to be repaired, not with him anyway.
People, (mainly men), need to get their head out of the sand with regards to how "harmless" porn is.
Thread after thread here and on reddit proves a very different story.

Verily1 · 23/07/2019 06:48

It soundssoul destroying.

Hope the chat went well.

Saltystraw · 23/07/2019 07:04

Was he like this in the beginning?

PinkFlowerFairy · 23/07/2019 07:38

WhenPush Im staying because of the kida too. I initially became a sahm and am struggling financially. I dontndislike my husband, just wish there was some interest in sex as it destroys all other intimacy ans I just resent him.

We work well as parents together, but I'm jealous of those who came to post they have sex 2-3 times a week!

ShatnersWig · 23/07/2019 07:48

My sex life finished at 30 and I'm now 46.

Original poster
AmIaskingfortoomuch · 23/07/2019 08:11

His excuse was that he was downloading all the porn to try to stimulate himself to want sex, as he knew I wanted sex. He said the porn did nothing for him and he felt nothing watching it. Now, in my view that would mean he would download a couple of videos, not hundreds?? Surely you would view one or two and think "nah, this isn't working".

I raged, cried and eventually went to bed. I am up now and he is still in bed. What should I say when he gets up? I'm soooo bored of this fuckery. Btw, only read to page 5, so will catch up now. Thanks for all comments x

OP posts:
kitandkaboodle28 · 23/07/2019 08:21

Oh op I don't know if I would believe the porn story. But it could be true, you just don't know. This is what happens when communication breaks down, you just don't know what to believe.

FWIW I am on week 3/4 of no sex and also feeling ragey. Our sex life seems to follow the same pattern as yours and it's really getting me down. I would love for dp to just come to bed one night and try it on with me but once it's happened I know that'll likely be it for another month. I've been foul the last few days and he's noticeably concerned. I don't know how to bring it up yet again...maybe I should get drunk and send a text like yours!

Joking aside it's pretty soul destroying. I love my dp and don't intend on leaving because to me that would be more heartbreaking than dealing with this. But at 35 I had hoped for a lot better sex life than this. And I do also have concerns that he's using porn or self pleasure instead...although no evidence for that.

AFistfulofDolores1 · 23/07/2019 08:33

Whether he's lying or not is immaterial: he has a problem and he doesn't seem to be prepared to handle it openly and collaboratively.

And whether he's lying or not, downloading vast amounts of porn is a fucking infantile way to deal with things.

DragonNoodleCake · 23/07/2019 08:36

I had exactly the same issue. Literally exactly the same.Eventually (along with other things so not just this) I realised it's too important. I recently ended my marriage. Devastating but I knew if I looked back in 5 years and I was in the same place I'd be gutted with myself.

PinkFlowerFairy · 23/07/2019 09:27

Yep irs a soul destroying cycle isnt it.

I dont think there's porn here I just think he has no drive. I did used to bring it up every few months but dont even bother now 😥. For ages I assumed he was gay and asked him multiple times (as at least it would make sense of it) but he isnt. In my case hes never really had much drive...

He is a lovely kind genrrous man, but with no oomph at all. I was shocked when testosterone came back okay. We have a young family and an trapped really

PinkFlowerFairy · 23/07/2019 09:27

Absolutely would recommend anyone without kids/lives already melded to leave .

WhenPushComesToShove · 23/07/2019 09:37

PinkFlowerFairy - if I had my time again I would leave. Life has it's compensations and I have an easy life in many ways but yearn to be admired and wanted and resent my husband for not fulfilling my needs. Now you've bitten the bullet OP, make the change rather than settle back into sameness. He won't change, these are excuses and he doesn't make you happy. If he's that decent, he'll understand and want the best for you. Good luck dear lady

AquaPris · 23/07/2019 09:59

1-2 times a week is high to me, and I'm 24. Every 3 weeks is average for us. We're ok with it.

AquaPris · 23/07/2019 10:07

That's not to say you should be though - just that his sex drive is not unusually low.

user1481840227 · 23/07/2019 10:45

This relationship doesn't sound worth it OP. You could meet someone new and feel young, sexy, in love, excited, sexually satisfied etc.

Cokecola, you can't label someone as a porn addict without knowing more details. I'm female and used to watch quite a bit of porn, my ex was furious when he snooped as we weren't having sex, the truth was I had no desire to have sex with him (for a million reasons, and I didn't want to be with him), I absolutely wasn't a porn addict.

Amaskingtoomuch, I assumed most people just watched online on free sites, there are lots of free sites where you can watch clips and rewatch them if you want, why would he need to download them? were they free downloads? or was he using a paid site?

SomeAfternoonDelight · 23/07/2019 10:49

@user1481840227 we’re you still intimate as in saying love you and kissing PP? Sorry to ask it’s just I feel in a similar situation 😂

user1481840227 · 23/07/2019 10:57

I would say love you (out of obligation and habit), short pecks on the lips, but no real kisses or other affection.

MiniTheMinx · 23/07/2019 11:07

Well what is worse? Him being a porn addict or him preferring porn to sex with his wife?

I'm apt to think the porn itself warps men's desires, their sexuality is quite fragile, whole of human history shows this to be true. The Romans and the Greeks......why young boys? It was culturally sanctioned. Pornography is now culturally sanctioned. The effect of pornography on men seems to be ignored and the consequences for women in relationships with these men is quite deliberately and angrily dismissed. Look where feminisms insistence on the sexual liberation of women has landed us.....just where we started with marriage and prostitution being two sides of the same coin. Now it's filmed prostitution, and much of it free, these men don't even need to leave the house to go find it. I'd dump any man who thought it reasonable to watch the sexual exploitation and violent coercion of women to get his rocks off. In fact I did, and I've never regretted it.

It doesn't matter whether it's addiction or avoidance of sex with you OP, it still amounts to a massive rejection of you, your well-being, your needs, your loyalty and your love. You deserve better.

theworldistoosmall · 23/07/2019 11:08

Who still downloads porn. It’s all right there to view now.
Of course with the exception of paid stuff (why anyone spends amazes me) and dodgy stuff.
And downloading hundreds sounds like a torrent thing.
I know it’s frowned upon being this inquisitive but I would look to see what he’s watching.
And porn to get in the mood to fuck? That’s what foreplay is about. That would piss me off even more because it’s like he’s saying you don’t appeal to him sexually.

MrJollyLivesNextDoor · 23/07/2019 11:09

I think his story is bullshit

If that were true he would realise after viewing a few that it wasn't going to have the desire effect.

I was in a long term relationship and he went off me/off sex/whatever. The rejection went on for years, was soul destroying and we eventually split up.

I'm your age now and I have been with a wonderful man for about a year. We have a similar (high) sex drive - we cannot get enough of each other.

Do not settle for his lies and this life.

theworldistoosmall · 23/07/2019 11:11

Not all porn videos are the result of exploitation. Same with the sex industry.
Of course there’s violence and exploitation but it’s another sweeping generalisation about a whole industry.

fantasmasgoria1 · 23/07/2019 11:12

My ex gave the same excuse, im just looking to see if I get turned on. Digging deeper he admitted that he was seeing if it was me he didn't fancy anymore if the porn turned him on. He said he discovered that nothing turned him on but continued to be obsessed with porn. My fiance doesn't get it, he said " you are slim with a good body, a beautiful face and good style why on earth didn't he want you?" I said just because you think that doesn't mean he did. Although my ex was looking at porn obsessively since I first met him and he was all over me then. My self esteem was and still is shot. My fiance is awesome and constantly tells me I'm beautiful etc but it's taking a while to sink in.

OliviaBenson · 23/07/2019 11:14

He came up with that as an excuse on his way home last night. No way would you have 100s of videos downloaded if it had no effect. He's effectively blaming you for having downloaded it too.

If he can't be honest with you op, there isn't a relationship to save.

Whosorrynow · 23/07/2019 11:27

Of course his explanation is bullshit he's just saying whatever he thinks might get him off the hook
he just wants to focus on his sexual needs and he doesn't want to have to bother to do anything that benefits you
it's a way of giving out the message that he's the important one, his needs matter and yours don't, lying to your face like that is just another way of emphasizing his superiority, he does not have to explain himself to you you're so unimportant that he can just come up with any of bullshit it doesn't even matter if it's implausible

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