Is 49 a reasonable age, for your sex life to be over?

[AmIaskingfortoomuch]

Would love some opinions on this. I'm 49. DH is 46. Our sex life is leaving me wanting (under statement). Having been rejected many times, I have stopped initiating. We tend to go 3 weeks, then I get grumpy, he realises he needs to step up....we have sex...and then another 3 weeks goes by. This is the cycle we are caught up in.

We have had "the chat" a gazillion times. Every time we do have sex, he says how much he misses it (and misses me) and promises to change. But change never happens.

This month I have made a conscious effort not to get grumpy when 3 weeks have passed with no sex. We are due to go on a date on Saturday, and by then it will be four weeks without sex. I'm not saying a word. I'm going to see how many weeks he can go without. I might send him a Congrats card if we make 10 weeks.

Anyway, my real question is whether I'm expecting too much, to have a regular sex life at 49? What age do you think is acceptable for it to be all over?

Wow, that was an essay! Sorry!

We differ in that I don't see my orgasms as something my DH owes me. He's not a sex toy

Eh? So, as you haven't answered my question, as to whether your DH gives you pleasure in other ways, along with this comment above, I am guessing that he doesn't. That's a bit shit, unless you yourself have no sex drive. Given that I'm in a monogamous relationship, who should I be having some great sex with, if it isn't DH? And please don't trot out "self pleasure", we all know it's not remotely the same as having good sex with a man.

Gemma There are no external factors causing this. No medication. No medical conditions. Testosterone is normal. I hear you when you say to talk about it, but I have raised this LOADS of times. End result is that nothing changes and I am loathe to bring it up again. Well, I did 3 days ago.....no change. So I'm stopping now.

The porn is vanilla stuff. He tends to view MILF stuff (correct age bracket for me).

Tarqs Yes, I have considered he doesn't fancy me anymore. I've asked him this question, and he swears that he does. He does have a bit of an issue with weight gain though, and I am currently 1 stone overweight @ 10 stone 11 Lbs. Hardly massive. But I did notice that the last time I reached my ideal weight, he was all over me like a rash. I am currently losing weight, and should reach my goal in about 6 weeks. To be honest, if he is suddenly all over me then, I am not having it. I need to regain some control, and not always be so available.

I also don't want to upset you further, but I find it difficult to imagine having sex with someone I know I nagged into it. Like you are saying - being someone's chore on a to-do list is really not nice

Totally agree. This is why I am shutting down now, I think.

I'm not sure if I read whether you have discussed possibly opening up your relationship. Would either of you consider it?

This is a hard one. Excuse the pun! The reality is, that I just want my husband to be normal. At 46, this is definitely not what I would consider to be normal. I love him. I don't want to shag anyone else, although the way I feel at the moment, it's tempting. In a fit of anger, I did mention this once. He said he didn't want that, but he was also quite "Meh" about the suggestion.

I'm 50 just gone and my husband is 62 and he was off sex we went 4 months without any and no matter what I did he wasn't interested in me so I started going out with girls I hadn't seen in years as he refused to take me out yet went out 7 nights a week: what happened I was having fun and found there was plenty of attention from men and the women though I'm not gay. Ii forgot and was reminded that I am a desirable and attractive women in the eyes of others I wasn't interested in 2 timing him but attention was mind blowing. The result was a massive argument and he went off on a 2 day binge when he returned we argued again and we had the best best ever makeup sex we ever have had that was last week and he's still after me every night and we are so incredibly huggy it's mind blowing. Menopause does not mean you lose desire for sex but he has developed an addiction to porn and that's not real he's forgotten he has you there that wants attention. He neglected you and that's wrong you can leave but first try and seduce him with a romantic dinner fine wine and see if that leads to sex if then he rejects you you have to rethink your future, do you want to feel neglected the rest of your life the menopause sometimes increases sex drive not end it. You deserve happiness and perhaps that's elsewhere I wish you well as this is going to be a difficult decision and he may need treatment for his addiction.

He would say he fancies you even if he doesnt as saying anything else would probably be the end of the relationship. As it is, you are searching for reasons. The weight issue is would absolutely piss me off no end of that was a real reason

@AmIaskingfortoomuch You asked what I’m planning to do with my dilemma. I’m a bit ahead of you in terms of the length of my H’s neglect in this way. I actually also think he’s relies on porn (although I have no actual proof, it’s intuition). And I also think it will be vanilla type of porn like your H.

I also think there’s similarities regarding my weight being a turn off for him, as the timing coincides with pregnancy and not losing the weight quickly. I’m feeling so much better about how I look. I think this is because I’m almost back to my best size/shape. Last time this happened, my H was also all over me and actually one of our DC was conceived! I’m now so hurt by his neglect that I have no intention of being intimate with him if he tries to be and I also wouldn’t have counselling, as there’s no point trying to get a stranger to find common ground for us. Also, after so long it feels a bit inappropriate to be intimate. Maybe we have friend-zoned each other. I know objectively he’s good looking, but he’s become less attractive to me over time if that makes sense.

My opinion is opposite to a lot of people on MN and I do think it’s unacceptable to deprive a partner of physical intimacy if there’s no medical reason preventing it. Even if it isn’t regular PIV, there’s so much more that a loving couple can enjoy together.

So I think in my case, I may very well follow through on the attention I receive elsewhere. I know this sounds big-headed, but I do get a lot of attention from others. The ideal situation would be for my H to not be such a fickle asshole (assuming he’s only motivated with how slim I am), but the reality is probably that we can continue to have a happy family life with our wonderfully DC and lovely home and I find the fulfilment elsewhere that isn’t available to me here. That would need a lot of discretion though, as it wouldn’t be acceptable to him. These are only musings at the moment and I haven’t yet acted on it. Similar to you, I don’t have financial need to stay together, but I know I potentially have a lot to lose with my DC if we divorce. The main reason I don’t want to split is that I’d then have to spend time apart from my DC, who mean the world to me. Of course, this won’t matter so much once they’re grown and off living their own lives.

You told him no more porn. He ignored you. If he wanted to have sex with you, he would.

Do people really get that sexually frustrated that they could scream?!

Do people get so hungry that they get angry? Do people get so irritated that they shout at people? Do people get so tired that they fall asleep? Yes, this is what it is to be human. A lack of sex can make some people genuinely distressed.

But I'm in my 30s and have had sex once in the past year so any time is OK to give up in my opinion ha ha

OP I won't be answering that. And there's no need to fling insults my way. Like I said previously I wouldn't bother commenting if I didn't care. You did after all 'welcome opinions'!

I won't be commenting again.

I think @tobedtoMNandfart has a point. It’s not that you should be having sex with anyone else, it’s that your husband doesn’t have to give you sex all the time if he doesn’t want to.

I don’t mean that you then just have to go with it and pretend you’re fine, you have other options.

Also you’ve said a couple of times that you just want DH to be ‘normal’. Maybe this is his normal and it doesn’t match yours. Everyone is different

I ageee you’re banging on About it maybe because you want to leave him.
He won’t change. People don’t.

I think you need to move on. You clearly aren't getting anywhere.

DH and I both have fairly low sex drives so every 3 weeks is perhaps a little longer than normal but neither of us is screaming for it and we are very happy together.

Life is too short.

You sound horrendously desperate. This is not nice reading...

Mine ended at 37. I was happy about that.

BlueEyedBengal I dream of that kind of scenario playing out! Although I am no spring chicken, I am still attractive and I sometimes think he forgets that other men would fancy me/shag me!

Priscilla This comment of yours resonates with me : "I’m now so hurt by his neglect that I have no intention of being intimate with him if he tries to be and I also wouldn’t have counselling, as there’s no point trying to get a stranger to find common ground for us". I feel the same!!

Also : "So I think in my case, I may very well follow through on the attention I receive elsewhere"

Actually, in my first marriage I did this. It wasn't because my first H was neglecting me, it was because I'd found out that he had cheated on me with lots of women, and I just had a kind of mini-breakdown! Just please please be aware, that the kind of men that you will meet, when you are married, are generally arseholes and predators, looking for no strings shags. It can seem like fun at first, but it tends to turn nasty. However, it will be the catalyst to you leaving your marriage, that's for sure, because once you open pandora's box, there is no going back. I literally lived out the next step you are going to take.

Also : "The main reason I don’t want to split is that I’d then have to spend time apart from my DC, who mean the world to me"

When I left my first H, the kids were 6 and 9. It was horrific in so many ways. The split holidays and Christmases etc. I think (?) if I had my time over, I would have waited until they were 18. In fact, no, I don't think could have managed another 12 years, so I guess I just wish they'd been older.

FeeFee Yes, I am desperate. Is there some shame in that? I haven't been touched in 4 weeks. I lie next to my husband in bed every night, this is a man who I fancy and desire...and he doesn't touch me. Yep...it's a desperate situation. Your comments are unhelpful, tbh.

Me and my husband are divorced as my sex drive never existed and sex is all he thinks about. I don't know about him but I'm so much happier now, no pestering, moodiness, nagging about sex.
I can go to sleep without him moaning.
I don't think you are compatible, maybe you should think about either having an honest open relationship or splitting up.
I used to HATE having sex when I didn't want to.

Well you managed more years than me. Mine is over at 40. My wife has no interest in me at all.

@PriscillaWhite
I am similar to you in a way. My sex life with my H has died up years ago - mostly due to resentments and issues between us. And like you I still had a libido and decided to maintain the family while the kids are small and look for other kinds of fulfilment outside of marriage.
I think it can work - and it doesn’t have to be the way OP described.
OP - I think back in your first marriage you were having revenge affair(s), and were in a difficult emotional state, and possibly vulnerable. So - you found ‘arseholes and predators’...
but it’s not the only men out there
In my case - I wanted to find a man in similar circumstances to me - someone who can be a friendly presence in my life and give me something I wasn’t getting in my marriage. But - I didn’t want him to put claims on me or want a relationship.
My kids were small and I wanted to stay in the marriage until they were bigger.
So, I went to one of the websites where married people meet for exactly that purpose. And talked to a lot of men there. Despite what MN would probably think about it - many of the men I spoke to are actually not bad people. Sure - some play around for the sake of it. But most - actually are in marriages where sexual side of things just isn’t working or died out. And rather than breaking up the marriages - they try to hang on by solving the issue in another way....
So - while I did encounter some men with issues, most were normal. And certainly no ‘predators’.
We were all there for the same reason. Consensually.
And most didn’t want ‘one-offs’, most wanted some sort of a arrangement that can go on for a while.
So for me - that way worked quite well. It gave me strength to hang on in my marriage for several years.

My son is older than you and I still enjoy my sex life.

Shermanator Any plans to do anything about this?!

We talked about it again yesterday. We held hands all night watching the telly, I thought wow, this is looking good. I went to bed. Stayed awake for a while. He finally came to bed well over an hour later once I was asleep. WTF. How ridiculous.

Felt really tearful all day yesterday. Fine today, just getting on with jobs. Can't be bothered to think about it today and he has gone out with pals. :-(

Have a similar issue in my relationship of 2 years currently,see her 3 or 4 times a week and if it was up to her wed spend every minute of those times having sex,and more sex.She has a very sedentary lifestyle and works casually from home,whilst Im in a physically gruelling job which leaves me exhausted most of the time.She s still very emotionally attached to her ex husband and the father of her kids,even after 10 years separated ,which I feel pretty resentful about,leading me to subconsciously not want to be intimate towards her.We get on fantastically well apart from our polar-opposite libidos,and Ive resigned myself to us not being compatiable,and almost leaving the relationship emotionally already.As soon as she accepts this we`ll be done I think,which would be a shame as we are fab together in most ways.

Still not had any sex or intimacy. It is now SIX WEEKS.

Have had many conversations. He says he doesn't feel good about his body. He has not put on any weight though. In fact, he's lost some! He also says he knows he is failing me, and he wants to put things right. However, he makes absolutely no sexual moves on me whatsoever

He purchased max strength Viagra, which arrived 5 days ago, and sits in his bedside drawer unopened.

How do people cope with this? I feel totally lost.

I apologise in advance as I've skipped from page 1 to 11, but having gone through similar with my ex which partly contributed to us separating I thought I'd jump straight in.
I did write a very long post but decided this was the main point I was trying to make...
There were a number of things that resulted in us separating, with fault lying on both sides, but in hindsight I can see that we became very independent people who spent less and less quality time in each others company. If you're not doing this then to me sex just starts to feel forced and not a natural, loving and intimate thing to do, merely something a married couple should be doing. We both gradually lost interest.
I think if it's reached this stage, then in my experience trying to sit down and talk about it just leads to somebody feeling blamed and resentful. I'd simply organise a lovely evening out together but not one where sex is expected at the end of it. These things don't get resolved overnight, it's about breaking the habits that have been formed.
These nights out need to be as regular as you can manage where you start to reconnect with each other properly. Tough if you've got kids as well I know, but if you have then it's even more important to dedicate time to each other. This is exactly what my ex and I didn't do as our son got older and became more independent. Hindsight is wonderful!
Apologies if I've just repeated what others have already said, but good luck I know it's a horrible situation to be in!

please excuse me butting in but having been married for nearly 30 years with 'so so' sex (various reasons) and no infidelity, I am not into a blame game, I got chatting to a MNetter (her instigation) now realising I have missed out quite a bit of life in some respects. This chatting has gone very very sour and I am being accused of things I haven't said but at over 500 miles distance she is perfectly safe .
Now realise I am more into cuddles and kissing and watching lovely unsets rather than out and out sex and over 50 would probably be an advantage.
Mismatched libido is a bugger.

Me and DP don't have sex any more. At all. We maybe make a special effort once or twice a year. My two closest friends report similar. We're all 48.