Is 49 a reasonable age, for your sex life to be over?

[AmIaskingfortoomuch]

Would love some opinions on this. I'm 49. DH is 46. Our sex life is leaving me wanting (under statement). Having been rejected many times, I have stopped initiating. We tend to go 3 weeks, then I get grumpy, he realises he needs to step up....we have sex...and then another 3 weeks goes by. This is the cycle we are caught up in.

We have had "the chat" a gazillion times. Every time we do have sex, he says how much he misses it (and misses me) and promises to change. But change never happens.

This month I have made a conscious effort not to get grumpy when 3 weeks have passed with no sex. We are due to go on a date on Saturday, and by then it will be four weeks without sex. I'm not saying a word. I'm going to see how many weeks he can go without. I might send him a Congrats card if we make 10 weeks.

Anyway, my real question is whether I'm expecting too much, to have a regular sex life at 49? What age do you think is acceptable for it to be all over?

Once every three weeks sounds crap to me. I get fed up if I dont have sex once a week.

I would give up on him providing you with sex tbh. So you either split or would he agree to you having a lover? Alternatively you could cheat but obv that has moral implications.

mrskeats thanks for that. I am not menopausal yet, but I have wondered whether my sex drive will leave me, in say 2 years, so why throw away a good relationship for something that won't be an issue in a few years. On the other hand, do I want to waste what sex drive I have left? On the other hand (okay, that's three hands) I am SO hoping that menopause doesn't rob me of all desire. I don't want to be a dried up husk!

The thing is with menopause often comes kids out of the house and not worrying about contraception so those things can mean more time/freedom for sex.
It’s definitely not the shop shuts at 50.

Have an honest conversation about your needs and feelings and suggest opening up your relationship. If you're happy otherwise.

@teddypasty I didn't say every three weeks was abnormally high!

Every three weeks is how often OP gets sex, if she had her own way (she hadn't clarified at the time) it could have been twice a day that she was badgering him for sex. That's abnormal.

Now OP has stated 1-2 times a week, normal

\presume you have tried the usual sex toys? DH is, for good/medically based physiological reasons, no longer the tiger I married. I am past menopause, but still relax with the odd self pleasure. About weekly.

Been there and got the t-shirt in this type of relationship - the grumpyness/i got resentful/etc was not healthy - (although i had non for 6months at one point)! that was a real low!

you have tried OP and in this case there is no way I would be staying, life is too short - your 49 not 93!!! move on and get someone who matches your sex drive

No of course you are not expecting too much at 49, 59 or 69.

But it’s not going to happen why your current partner. And it’s unlikely to get better only worse. You are not compatible in this way.

So change your expectations and stay.

Or leave and look for someone else.

I don't know the answer OP but you're not alone. I'm the same age and we follow exactly the same pattern. I no longer initiate because he suffers from intermittent E.D, so if I do it puts more pressure on and makes it worse...therefore our whole sex life depends on him.
It's all well and good people saying "you have a choice, you can leave" but if you have an otherwise decent life together it's not an easy decision to make.
What I find particularly frustrating is that we went through years of both being keen but life getting in the way (not living in the same house, having small kids, no sleep, kids getting older and being worried about them walking in, etc etc) and just as we get to the point where the dc have left home and we have loads of time, house to ourselves, he's gone off the boil. So depressing.

A normal sex life is what’s normal for you BayandBlonde If you want it twice a day that’s what you want.

Would he agree to go to relationship/sex therapy together? Has this been the case throughout your relationship, or is it more recent? How would he describe the problem? Are his erections ok? I wouldn’t give up all hope, but he’s got to be willing to try and make a change.

Today when I walked into the study, his laptop screen was on a weird generic page. He's at work now, and I've just gone and snooped and it's FULL of porn videos he's downloaded, some today even. I don't know what to do. I've had a bottle of wine. I'm so angry. Should I text/call him?

If you’ve had a bottle of wine, don’t do anything tonight. Sleep on it, think about it tomorrow when you have a clearer head.

My heart is racing.

Now that discovery would have me packing his bags. Clearly he has a sex drive, he's just choosing to go solo rather than sleep with you.

No don’t text or call him. Or do anything else while you are drunk.

Tomorrow, work out why you are angry . Did you have a deal about neither of you watching porn ? Has he lied to you? Don’t talk to him util you are clear In your own mind.

I'm angry because he knows I want sex, yet he isn't having sex with me but watching porn. Also, one of the vids is a man giving a woman oral, and he's never been down on me, he would know my fucking vagina in a line up!

It's not uncommon for men in particular to start to confuse "wife/lover" with "mother" in long-term relationships. Libido withers in the face of his regressive tendencies to turn into a little boy and want nurturing rather than fucking. It's immature, but unfortunately ubiquitous. Therapy/counselling can help greatly.

*wouldn't know my vagina in a line up

Maybe he wants to watch porn but doesn’t want to have more RL sex with you.

I can see why it makes you angry but it looks like that’s his choice.

Did you have a “ no porn “ agreement ? If not, he might feel that he’s done nothing wrong and you are being unreasonable to snoop on him and be angry .

Wow! you posted on here for advice on your lack of a sex life, and suddenly you've found your answer at home!

Stay calm and talk to him about what you’ve discovered. How do you know he’s not watching this recently to try and change his moods so he can take you upstairs later on. He might have stress or low moods and maybe this is his way of trying to figure out how to relight the fire and fix the issues you’re both having.

Oh Lord.

Porn is easier than proper sex. But that doesn't make it ok. No oral, ever??

I used to use porn so id feel more aroused and want sex more, as dh had a higher sex drive than me (though I initiated for ten solid years which tbh was hard going sometimes). Talk to him. But don't give up on your own life.

I am constructing a text now. I'm so cross.

No don’t text now When you are drunk.