Is 49 a reasonable age, for your sex life to be over?

[AmIaskingfortoomuch]

Would love some opinions on this. I'm 49. DH is 46. Our sex life is leaving me wanting (under statement). Having been rejected many times, I have stopped initiating. We tend to go 3 weeks, then I get grumpy, he realises he needs to step up....we have sex...and then another 3 weeks goes by. This is the cycle we are caught up in.

We have had "the chat" a gazillion times. Every time we do have sex, he says how much he misses it (and misses me) and promises to change. But change never happens.

This month I have made a conscious effort not to get grumpy when 3 weeks have passed with no sex. We are due to go on a date on Saturday, and by then it will be four weeks without sex. I'm not saying a word. I'm going to see how many weeks he can go without. I might send him a Congrats card if we make 10 weeks.

Anyway, my real question is whether I'm expecting too much, to have a regular sex life at 49? What age do you think is acceptable for it to be all over?

Update. Just after I posted the original Post, because we had talked again about the whole issue, he suddenly initiated sex, and we did it 3 days in a row. Pretty good stuff and he was full of remorse and apologies. Full of promises to try to get our intimacy back on track etc.

That was 25th July. And here we are on 28th August and no sex in the interim. It will be 4 weeks without sex tomorrow.

I honestly have NO IDEA what to do. About 4 days ago, I pointed out how long it had been (again) and told him how it was upsetting me, how I craved intimacy with him, and how it was killing me. His response was that he is tired. Yesterday he proclaimed that he "might be feeling a little bit horny" and said that we would have sex that night. However, he came to bed and want straight to sleep.

I feel at my wits end. I actually ended up crying whilst I was scrubbing the bath yesterday : pure frustration at A) the lack of sex and B) the lack of him caring about how much this is affecting me.

Any ideas where to go from here? Because I don't.

Hi @AmIaskingfortoomuch, sorry to hear your situation only got better for a very short time. I’ve got a similar issue with my DH, who has no interest, so you have my sympathy. It’s been even longer for us though, as it’s now 2.5 years since we had sex! I didn’t miss it for a while with a few pregnancies, birth, breastfeeding, sleepless nights etc. Now I’m seriously wondering how I’ll manage, as I do feel angry and frustrated now. I’m not sure I will be able to keep everything as it is for much longer and will invariably let my attention wander elsewhere. I haven’t done that so far, but I just don’t want to write off that part of my life forever and ever.

Looking back, my DH has always been the one determining when we’re intimate. I do wonder based on your recent update if it’s an element of control over you. He’s keeps you on a short leash. Sorry if that’s misreading the situation.

I don’t think someone will change when the issue is so long-standing and ingrained x

Depression?

Leave. Sorry to be blunt. I stayed in a marriage that was sexless for 14 years and it is utterly corrosive. It destroys your confidence, happiness and creates resentment, shame and deeply buried anger. I left at 52 and am a podgy, scarred middle-aged woman but since leaving have enjoyed the best sex of my life with some amazing wonderful men who find me wildly attractive and are kind, loving, fabulous company. My only regret is not leaving sooner and not being geographically closer to Shatnerswig so I could ask him out.

You sound a bit mad. Go and see a therapist.

I think your treatment of him is really quite shocking. Poor man! I am not in the least surprised his sex drive has withered and died in the face of your nagging, grumpiness, PA behaviour and that vile text ... who the fuck threatens to divorce someone by text message! In your OP you were hoping he would offer you sex (which you were desperate for) so that you could turn him down to make a point?! Grow up and discuss this respectfully like 2 adults in a loving relationship!
Is sex really all there is to a relationship, and the lack of it enough reason to leave? What about love, companionship, loyalty, empathy, friends, family, home, lifestyle?

He isn't going to change because he doesn't want to. Can you adapt, or is this critical for you?

PriscillaWhite I'm sorry to hear that you are going through something similar - 2.5 years, wow. What will you do, do you think?

LadyJaffleton That is fabulous to hear that you have turned your life around and are having some fun!

tobedtoMNandfart To be honest, you sound like someone who has a low sex drive and just doesn't get it? I am aching for sex, and he is withholding it, which for me is torture. I feel like he has decided that he's not that bothered, and so by default, I have to live a celibate life, despite my sex drive being through the roof. Unless you have experienced this, it's probably hard to imagine the sheer frustration on a daily basis.

The text was borne out our sheer frustration plus wine that he was not having sex with me, but was downloading hundreds of porn video's which he'd been watching when I was at home! Yeh - made me angry that.

What about love, companionship, loyalty, empathy, friends, family, home, lifestyle?

The love and companionship are starting to suffer, as my resentment sets in. Does he love me, watching me suffer like this? Hmm. Friends and Family have NOTHING to do with my sex life (what a bizarre notion). Lifestyle : I have my own money thanks, and even if I didn't, I would NEVER be with a man for money (I think that's pretty disgusting actually).

Some women do want to do things in bed, other than fart and post on Mumsnet (sorry, but your username is very revealing as to your priorities and we aren't all like that).

Oh - and just to add - bearing in mind that when I found these 100's of video's, he cried and deleted them all, promising to pour his energy into our sex life instead......when he was at work last night, I went on to his laptop only to find that he'd downloaded a whole folder of video's (maybe 30) just 3 days ago. When I was cooking our dinner. I actually haven't said a thing, and I'm not going to. Pointless really. But yeah, I could slap him up and down right now.

Doesn't bode well at all. He's downloaded more? He has to be lying if he's downloaded more.

I think I'm going to have to try and find out if my OH is watching porn; there are reasonably valid other reasons for him not initiating any intimacy or responding if I try to initiate it. But it's ridiculous and also taking on board a PPs comment regarding him seeing you as a mother not a lover - I think this is exactly the way things are under my roof. I hope things change for you for the better OP, I also hope I manage to work things out with my OH too. For me, I don't have a huge drive in the slightest anymore, but even when I did it was mostly about the connection, feeling loved etc. Less so about being horny.

So sorry OP. I think you were right last time, and made it pretty clear to him- if you found any more videos that would be it. I think you may have reached the end

I agree @amiaskingfortoomuch - those who call you mad or terrible or shocking or whatever have either a low sex drive or don't place importance on a sexual connection, and sex. I'm 49, and whilst an early menopause has definitely dampened the urge, having sex is really important to me and my partner. if he 'rejected' me, I'd feel fucking awful. I'd feel like you feel. And if I found stacks of porn, then how can he possibly justify his lack of interest in sex? That's the bit that would stick in my throat.

Unfortunately, porn can make sexual gratification so much easier than going through the process with a partner.

But, for me, it seems like he's making a choice. And I think you have to make yours. It's not eve about thinking its over because there's no sex; it's thinking it's over because a) he's not being truthful b) you're not getting what you need to be happy.

The pprn aspect make this different but I do agree that nagging him and getting grumpy doesnt solve anything. My dh had a period of doing this while I was breastfeeding and suffering from a low sex drive. It drove me mental as I then felt completely pressured to have sex because he wasnt happy. Which is obviously not healthy at all. If he wasnt looking at porn I would say start with building the intimacy up. As he is lying to you about porn again then I think you should leave him as it's obvious his problems are bigger than a low sex drive.

It's a lot about you though isn't it and not a lot of trying to understand his thoughts on the situation.

I may have a lower sex drive than your sky high one but my DH has ED and we haven't DTD in nearly a year so actually it's sad and frustrating and I do completely understand.

But I love him. He's my best friend, he has my loyalty, we have built a life and a home and a family together. So yes sex is only part of it.

And I never mentioned money!!

@tobedtoMNandfart

Your situation is very different. Your DH has a medical reason which underlines his inability to have intercourse. That's different. I would act as you have in that situation.

The OP's husband doesn't have that. And I think it's really hard to understand someone's thoughts on something when a) they renege on what they say b) they say they'll stop watching porn and they don't

And I don't think the OP's sex drive is 'sky high' - that's not fair.

BoopBoopedooBoo Sounds like you may have to do some digging?

Thelowquietsea Thanks for understanding.

TobedtoMNandfart Does your DH pleasure you in other ways though? I hope so. I have a vibrator which DH knows he could use if he was too tired to "perform". I take seconds to orgasm, it would be minutes out of his day. He doesn't bother.

I don't think my sex drive is sky high. Prob average. I'd like it twice a week. It's now been 4 weeks of absolutely nothing. So yes, I am now gagging for it.

The thing is, I can feel something shifting in me, the longer this goes on. I'm starting to look at him non-sexually, if that makes sense. I know if we had sex tomorrow, it isn't because he has manly urges, it's because I'm a job that needs ticking off until next time. Not sexy, is it?

It's probably a good job I work from home : I can totally see how office affairs get started when one person is so neglected in the bedroom.

It's such a waste too. He is tall, handsome, sexy....but underneath there's just no sexual Oomph at all. I know other women fancy him - they'd be gobsmacked if they knew this.

I just read this whole thread.... and it rang a lot of bells for me but the other way around. I was with the father of my children for 12 years and i was like your partner. I loved the man but i never wanted sex. I truly convinced myself that was not something that i needed. I would give in once every couple of months as i felt bad for him. It caused a lot of arguments but ultimately even he sort of accepted to some degree that i just wasnt a sexual person. I finally grew a pair and realised i loved him but i actually had never been in love with him and we got along good and raised a lovely family but i actually had never really truly fancied the man . We split up and i still thought i just didnt really need sex to be happy, fast forward a couple years i met my now fiance and weve been at it every couple of days for the past 3 years and it turns out im actually a pretty sexual person. I was just with the wrong man. I know this is not great to hear but it could explain a lot. I did love my ex deeply and still do,( he is the father of my kids) but i should have never become romantically involved with him... after so long i dont think your situation will change. When theres a bust up hell try for a few days , then fall back into the same routines... i did that for many years... which was very unfair on both of us.
You might have to accept it and see if you want to stay in spite of that or move on... i should have moved on years before i did...

Look you came on here asking for opinions and I have tried to help, albeit by posing the alternate view.
We differ in that I don't see my orgasms as something my DH owes me. He's not a sex toy. He doesn't owe you sex. In a relationship sex is not just sex, it's a mutual expression of love, lust and passion, not a duty. If roles were reversed and this pressure was being put on a woman I think people would be rightly outraged.
Possibly the porn is a desperate attempt to rouse things in order to meet your needs. Possibly your relationship has run out of steam. My point is it's about calmly discussing both sides of it together.

This is really odd. Has he always been like this?

There is a saying that sex is the glue that binds a couple together. While I think there are MANY other things actually, it is important. The main thing is communication, open, honest and intimate. Get to the bottom of it.

It sounds from a quick read that you are sexually incompatible. However, there could be other things going on.

Is he really worried about something - possibly something you know nothing about?

Does he have a super stressful/exhausting job?

Does he have a health issue causing him to lose his drive - this might not yet be diagnosed - undiagnosed diabetes could do this. Or is he taking medication - possibly unbeknownst to you - that is causing it? Prostate issues... low testosterone.....?

Is he having an affair or seeing prostitutes? All his sexual energy going somewhere else? Visiting erotic massage places or excessively using porn that you don't know about yet?

So many possibilities. How about you go out for a lovely dinner, then come home and over a glass of wine, really talk about it. Ask him to work with you as you miss that level of intimacy in the relationship. Ask to visit his GP - together maybe? Counselling too... These things could help, provided that he is not cheating of course.....

I know sex is not everything, but I would really miss it if it wasn't a couple of times a week or more in a relationship. Not even once a month and I would be asking myself all sorts of questions. And yes, feeling very rejected if my partner did not want to at least try to resolve it or be open about it.

Sorry, I just read about the hundreds of porn videos.

There is your problem. What sort of porn is it? Does he have a fetish?

I think downloading that number of videos definitely points to an addiction. For me, the lies about why he had the videos in the first place, combined with being rejected and my frustration would lead me to feel my marriage was over.

Unless he is willing to get help for this problem, and it is a major problem, then I would be seeing a solicitor.

And I would say you both need relationship counselling if you feel you want to continue.

I’m sorry to sound harsh, but I’ve been there myself but on the other side. Have you considered that maybe he just doesn’t fancy you anymore?

As Tarqs says, he just may not fancy you anymore.

Porn addiction won’t help either.

The only thing you can control in life is your own actions. He is doing this and it is hurting you. You are not doing this as you are choosing to stay with him despite your unhappiness.

Hello Op

I'm sorry you're going through this. You said a month ago to your Husband that if the sex dwindled and you found more porn that it would be game over. You asked for advice. If it was me, I would carry out my previous threat and I would leave or ask him to. Unless you follow through, you will resent him. He isnt taking it seriously is he?

I know you love him, but this is now a bigger problem than sex because he promised to change and then in less than a month decided he wasnt going to after all - but he can still watch porn? This is how its going to be now. He has made his choice. You told him the consequences, and he decided he was willing to gamble on them.

Neither of you owes each other sex but equally neither of you is obliged to live without it.

I wish you well.

I can see how much this is hurting you OP, and in your shoes, I think I'd feel very similar. Having read your updates it doesn't look like he is really interested in getting to the root of why sex has been like this for so long. The porn explanation doesn't ring true to me - that he is only doing it to get aroused for you. Not with that amount and the secrecy. I'd be wondering about porn addiction myself.

The level of resentment you now feel, as well as how poor communication has got - it just seems to me that you might have reached the end of the line.

I also don't want to upset you further, but I find it difficult to imagine having sex with someone I know I nagged into it. Like you are saying - being someone's chore on a to-do list is really not nice.

From his pov as well - if he doesn't want to have sex, he should not be in the position of being nagged into it and feeling pressured.

I'm not sure if I read whether you have discussed possibly opening up your relationship. Would either of you consider it? It's a potential option, though tbh it sounds like it might cause more problems than it solves.

Other than that I think that probably you are looking at ending the marriage. It's gone on for such a long time now, and with no improvement - I'm not even sure you could get back a healthy sex life together now even if you both worked and got to the root of the issues. Which in his case, looks like he isn't willing to try anyhow.

Some people here have suggested that sex isn't that important compared to the other elements that make for a happy marriage. I disagree - if one or both parties are sexual beings, of course, it is important. Some people may be able to suppress their sexuality to stay in a sexless marriage - you can't.

I guess ultinmately you need to decide where your line in the sand is. How much longer are you going to wait, hoping something gets better? When is it the right time to accept this is it - if you want to stay in your marriage this is the best you can hope for sexually?