Is 49 a reasonable age, for your sex life to be over?

[AmIaskingfortoomuch]

Would love some opinions on this. I'm 49. DH is 46. Our sex life is leaving me wanting (under statement). Having been rejected many times, I have stopped initiating. We tend to go 3 weeks, then I get grumpy, he realises he needs to step up....we have sex...and then another 3 weeks goes by. This is the cycle we are caught up in.

We have had "the chat" a gazillion times. Every time we do have sex, he says how much he misses it (and misses me) and promises to change. But change never happens.

This month I have made a conscious effort not to get grumpy when 3 weeks have passed with no sex. We are due to go on a date on Saturday, and by then it will be four weeks without sex. I'm not saying a word. I'm going to see how many weeks he can go without. I might send him a Congrats card if we make 10 weeks.

Anyway, my real question is whether I'm expecting too much, to have a regular sex life at 49? What age do you think is acceptable for it to be all over?

Morris Are you all happy with this arrangement?

My sex drive is through the roof. It doesn't suit me AT ALL. My ideal would be to have sex a minimum of 3 times per week. I could compromise to once a week. But Zero times in 6 weeks is seriously taking the piss for me.

I feel like he is forcing me in to celibacy. I don't want to be fucking celibate at 49 years old, ffs.

Also, I feel like he hold all the cards. Sex is when he wants it. On his terms. What I desire has no bearing. I swing between wanting to shag him and wanting to smash his face in, for doing this to me/us. Yes, I realise I sound deranged. I certainly feel deranged.

I think you need to consider ending the relationship unfortunately. He is unlikely to change, since he's been the same for 11 years. More likely to worsen if anything. But you will become increasingly resentful and that's no good for either of you. I feel for you.

What about psychosexual therapy? I wouldn‘t be able to cope well either, but i‘d want to have tried everything. And i‘d something like therapy to make it clear to both of us this was a serious problem - sounds too easy for him just to DOB off at the moment.

If you are putting pressure on him for sex, it is very likely that his libido will continue to falter away. I am sure that it plays on his mind constantly in any case - nothing like having the threat of having a 'grumpy' partner to make you feel in the mood for lovin'!

I am sure you have worked out by now that you have to decide whether you love this man enough to live with his low sex drive or not. That is a decision that you have to make I am afraid. And then you both need to come up with a solution if you choose to stay with him. Some counselling might be a good start perhaps...

I'm sorry, you do need to initiate divorce proceedings. No matter what you say he doesn't care and will only make an effort for a few days to keep you hooked on thinking that things will be better this time. It's worked so far right? You started this months ago and still are married and hoping for some attention.

You can do better.

Yes I am happy with it. DP is gorgeous and we had a very lust filled few years back in the day. But I just can't keep sexual desire alive and neither can he. One friend has no sex, and is happy. The other does it once a week because she thinks it would be unfair on her husband if she didn't, but says she'd rather not bother really.

@MorrisZapp May I ask how long you and DP have had this arrangement? I am genuinely interested in how you make this work on an ongoing basis. I have seen quite a few posts lately on incombatible libidos within relationships.

Mine should have been ‚fob‘ not DOB (ruddy autocorrect). Was gonna say, I have been both in the position of feeling under pressure with a boyfriend who had an enormously high sex drive (like several times a day) and your situation - eg with a bloke who wasn‘t interested. Both were stressful - I sympathise all round

About ten years? Been together twenty. We're both equally unbothered, so there's no incompatibility.

Good to know @MorrisZapp. It sounds like you have a very caring relationship. Thank you so much for telling me. I think that people would be surprised at how many relationships are like yours and your friend's.

You have 2 choices OP, accept this how it is or divorce. He ISN'T going to change. For a start you said anymore porn and you were done, empty threat I'm afraid and he knows it as you are still there and he's still downloading it. The fact he views it means he has a sex drive.

I was on the other side. Didn't want sex with my ex, thought I had a low drive etc. I was aware, although tried to deny, that I wasn't massively attracted to him. He let himself go which was very unappealing and made zero effort.

In the end we split, my drive is back with a vengence and I can't get enough with my new DP. I know the issue was I didn't fancy my ex. I'm so glad I left and now have a fulfilling sex life as the frustration was really getting to me too and I was climbing the walls.

Go out for an amazing date. Have some drinks and take some awesome drugs and bring back some excitement ! or just spike his drink with the blue pill !

Get dressed up looking hot to trot, and make sure he noticed how scrumptious you look, then head out of the door and say not to wait up.
He's had his chance,he's blown it ( or not as it turns out!) go out and flirt. Don't, I repeat don't, shag anyone. Just enjoy being chased and Flirted with . Then come home and maybe he'll offer to do the deed . If he still isn't in the mood after the thought of you being chatted up all night then he's got a serious problem and should seek help.

Iv being on both sides of this. The only solution is to leave, your wasting your life, HE WILL NOT CHANGE. He prefers porn, its easier, its quicker, its lazier...its probs what he was doing when you was in bed waiting for him.
Its time to move on, the resentment will only get worse. Its a shame yes, its sad yes, but youv done all you can, youv begged, cried, talked and screamed, hes still not changed....he doesnt care enough to change. Sorry.

OP. I have read the entire thread. Two things stand out for me here

1. He was all over you like a rash when you had lost weight. He does have a sex drive then...

1. He is complaining about his weight being heavy - even though he has actually LOST weight

So my theory is that he is complaining about himself but actually what he is hinting at is that he wants YOU to lose weight because that is when he becomes attractive to you.

I am NOT condoning this. It is shit. But those are big clues.

*attracted not attractive

No.

What's he up to on the hour that you go to bed before he does ? My bet is he's watching his downloads .He's a wanker, quite literally. Yes he probably has a great life with you in every other way. But this is affecting you so much and he's not doing anything to rebuild your trust of show you he's committed .
If this were happening to me, and I was your best friend, what would you suggest I do ?