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Original poster

Is 49 a reasonable age, for your sex life to be over?

294 replies

AmIaskingfortoomuch · 22/07/2019 20:25

Would love some opinions on this. I'm 49. DH is 46. Our sex life is leaving me wanting (under statement). Having been rejected many times, I have stopped initiating. We tend to go 3 weeks, then I get grumpy, he realises he needs to step up....we have sex...and then another 3 weeks goes by. This is the cycle we are caught up in.

We have had "the chat" a gazillion times. Every time we do have sex, he says how much he misses it (and misses me) and promises to change. But change never happens.

This month I have made a conscious effort not to get grumpy when 3 weeks have passed with no sex. We are due to go on a date on Saturday, and by then it will be four weeks without sex. I'm not saying a word. I'm going to see how many weeks he can go without. I might send him a Congrats card if we make 10 weeks.

Anyway, my real question is whether I'm expecting too much, to have a regular sex life at 49? What age do you think is acceptable for it to be all over?

OP posts:
Original poster
AmIaskingfortoomuch · 22/07/2019 21:45

We haven't had sex for 3.5 weeks. He was watching porn today, in the next room, before he went to work (at 2.30pm). He could have taken me up to the bedroom instead!!!! I work from home, but could have done that.

OP posts:
Babdoc · 22/07/2019 21:46

There is certainly a discussion to be had (when you’re sober) about why he prefers watching porn to having loving sex with his wife.
You have several options.
Stay with him and take a lover, either with or without his knowledge/approval.
Stay with him, do nothing, and be utterly frustrated for the rest of your life
Stay with him and rely on masturbation for your sexual needs.
Leave him and find a more compatible non porn addict as a partner.
Drag him to couples counselling and try to get him to agree to detox the porn habit, and have a more frequent sex life with him as you presumably did before.
Which option you go for is entirely your call, OP!

ElektraUnchained · 22/07/2019 21:47

I couldn't cope with no oral. The porn use in this scenario would make me ballistic.

SlinkyDogDash · 22/07/2019 21:47

Personally I'd say he can fuck off. I understand why you're angry op. If hes interested in porn regulatly then he should be capable of having sex with you at least weekly. It's not much to ask.

If he had zero interest in sex then I'd say fair enough.

Chinnychinnychinnychib · 22/07/2019 21:51

Hang on before you send anything. You said you’ve had a drink. Don’t be hasty, you need to talk face to face or this might all blow up.

PinkFlowerFairy · 22/07/2019 21:52

We've had sex once this year. Almost same scenario (apart from the porn, and 4 or 5 monthky now rather than 3 weeks.)

It hasnt got better. He went to the dr, not testosterone, been referred for cojnselling. But I think this is it. No more sex :(

Ive felt so desirable and unloved and rejected. And kick myself for not realising I needed a partner with a reasonable sex drive...

Nat6999 · 22/07/2019 21:53

My marriage had got to this point, plus my exh was abusive, I ended it & got myself a toyboy 14 years younger than me, we were a perfect match for each other, he even coped well with me waking him up multiple times a night for sex when I started on HRT, I think toy boys should be given on prescription, I wasnt ready to hang up my sexy undies & buy a candle wick dressing gown.

123testing · 22/07/2019 21:56

Morve. Are you actualy saying that in a marriage it's ok for one partner to get their sexual gratification elsewhere while leaving their partner in limbo.
I think that's close to cheating

Sosayi · 22/07/2019 21:57

If he’s never gone down on you in 11 years then I would have kicked him out if the bed and door many years ago
I bet hes not saying no to a bj when you offer fuck that shit

My DH is 51 and is almost as horny as he was when I met him 😂
He has calmed down loads but mainly because he know it’s very rare we go more than 1-2 nights without having sex
Unless one of us is away working it’s pretty much every other day sometimes most days

He would possibly drive another woman mad but he’s not overly demanding and most importantly we talk about everything
But it sounds like your not compatible sexually and it won’t get any better only worse

Mrskeats · 22/07/2019 21:58

nat that’s awesome-go you.

Whosorrynow · 22/07/2019 22:01

How does he respond if you suggest him that you and he are sexually incompatible?

Original poster
AmIaskingfortoomuch · 22/07/2019 22:02

I haven't sent the text yet. But this is what I have so far:

"Why are you watching porn when you are neglecting me and our sexual relationship? Yes, I snooped. Because I knew something was off. We haven't had sex for 3.5 weeks, but you're downloading porn? Again! I am so fucking done with this bullshit. Nice to see that you were watching a video of a man giving oral sex to a woman, when you don't do oral on me, and couldn't pick out my vagina in a line up. I haven't had oral sex in 11 years. Thanks for that. We have had the lack of sex conversation a million times. Nothing changes, and this is what you're ding behind my back? When I'm in the next room? Seriously? Look, I obviously don't float your boat. That much is clear. I have been hanging on by a thread, feeling constantly sexually frustrated, but waiting for you to come to me on your own terms. This is never going to happen, when you choose porn over me. So, I'm throwing in the towel. I want a divorce. In fact, I'll rephrase that, ...I want you to be normal and for this not to be happening, but it is, only you know why, but I know that I deserve a whole lot better than this"

Just pressed SEND.

OP posts:
Whosorrynow · 22/07/2019 22:05

That was a pretty direct message!

2eternities · 22/07/2019 22:05

Is there any possibility he's getting it elsewhere? I worked as an escort through adultwork from being 18-22 (I'm 28 now) and most of my 'customers' were married men around your DH age. Mostly middle class, perfectly nice and normal men but they were cheating and some of the reasons given were no longer being attracted, many said they had sex at home but we're bored or wanted sex with young women again.

Sorry I hope this isn't distressing but it is much much more common than most people think and if he's financially stable and regularly able to have a free hour here and there (many came on their lunch break or straight after work using gym, golf, pub etc as excuses or even working late) it could be a possibility check his account for suspicious withdrawals from around £60-£150.

Or you could have the typical male who just doesn't find menopausal or post menopausal women attractive there is tons of them about sadly

SunshineCake · 22/07/2019 22:05

Oh heck. I hope you feel ok in the morning.

jamaisjedors · 22/07/2019 22:06

Oh.

Everyone said not to send it when you were drunk.

They were right.

You are very angry but I can't see any way back from that text. Is that what you want?

Maybe it is and this is just the push you needed or maybe this is just the thing that suddenly made you see your marriage in a whole new light.

Hope you are ok? Flowers

Whosorrynow · 22/07/2019 22:06

I have been there, to an extent, but my sex drive just dropped off a cliff after the menopause
kind of a relief really

PocaNinja · 22/07/2019 22:08

Are you serious about the divorce?

I know youve said the sex is good but I think if you were to sleep with others you’d realise what you were missing (oral and regular sex). Sorry this must suck

Whosorrynow · 22/07/2019 22:08

Typical male who doesn't find menopausal women attractive
What you mean the typical 50 year unattractive bloke who thinks he's too good for the typical 50-year-old woman?

Fidgety31 · 22/07/2019 22:09

Maybe he is watching oral porn as he doesn’t feel confident to do it himself and is looking for techniques ?
Maybe he feels like he isn’t good enough or comes too early and that’s why he is avoiding sex ?

Nat6999 · 22/07/2019 22:11

Now you have come to a final decision, start a fund to start your new life . Step one, as soon as you can afford it, get yourself a new hairdo, any beauty treatments that will make you feel good about yourself & a few new outfits, then get out & enjoy yourself, you may find a few frogs but that is part of the learning process, don't settle for second best, you deserve the best.

2eternities · 22/07/2019 22:13

Who sorry yes, probably. Not all men are obviously that way inclined but I'd say a lot are. I had one client in his late 30s who actually told me his wife regularly wanted sex but he wasn't attracted to her because of her appearance after having kids. He wasn't a looker himself! Many men are extremely shallow I remember he also saw another woman at the parlour who was a mother and on his next booking with me commented that he couldn't believe she had kids as her body was so great and his wife's was a mess. Opens your eyes doing that I tell ya!

Miljah · 22/07/2019 22:15

My DH and I have a happy, supportive marriage. I'm 56, he's 59.

Apart from a single, surprise early HRT hormone inspired 'event', instigated by me, 2 years ago, no actual sex for maybe 3-4 years?

I couldn't care less if I never had penetrative sex again, and I suspect DH feels the same. He may watch porn ( no evidence!), maybe oral but actually, with us, he liked it, me on him; I found it, him on me, a bit embarrassing. So if he wanks to watching some random giving another random a BJ, as long as I don't need to watch, or even know, I haven't got a problem with it. But I don't think he does!

I can kind of separate 'me' from a bunch of hormones sex drive.

Whosorrynow · 22/07/2019 22:18

@2eternities what is it do you think, how is it that an older man who looks like a sack of shit believes he should be able to pull a hot young woman?
Does he not realise that hot young women want hot young men, not old sacks of shit 🤣😂😅

MarianaMoatedGrange · 22/07/2019 22:19

Why on earth would sex workers let clients know they had kids?