Ds1 is a nasty piece of work

[Cobblersandhogwash]

He's nearly 15.

He tells dd who is 12 to fuck off regularly. At least twice a day.

He wakes up ds3 who is 6 by poking his finger in his ear and scaring him.

He's just hurt ds2 who 9 by kneeling on his head.

He's super bright. Super selfish. Super vicious.

He smashed up his bedroom, his sister's bedroom and smashed in three doors.

We confiscate his gadgets. We penalise him by taking money from him.

He's having counselling. This is his 3rd counsellor. The others said there's nothing wrong with him.

But I'm not allowed to tell the counsellor any of this stuff as it's interfering in the confidentiality of their relationship. It's up to ds1 to tell the counsellor. As if he would.

I don't like him. I don't think I love him. His personality is so deeply unattractive.

Meanwhile, my other three children have to grow up in fear of this vindictive bully.

My family is screwed.

Next time he behaves in a way that is threatening/violent call the police.
If you were posting about an adult doing this posters would be telling you to go NC, call the police, LTB, talk to women's aid... your son isn't a child anymore, he'll soon be an adult in the eyes of the law. Treat him as you would an adult treating you and your younger children in that way.

When things are this drastic I don't agree with 'understanding him' or that 'he's deeply hurt', to me he comes across as a sadist. He is putting yourself and your younger children through immense pain and stress.

You've said that no consequence so far has worked, so your going to have to step up and involve the law.
Protect the ones who need protecting, your eldest is not one of them.

Sorry, I've just seen your above post.

You don't need the police coming round - you need him arrested!
Threatening you, assaulting his younger siblings, smashing up rooms. All offences.

Call the Police. Get them round and tell them EVERYTHING. Get him arrested. Ask the Police to assist with a MH referral and a social services referral. Where we live we arrange prison visits for some of these youths. Even the meanest little f*ers walk away from the prison looking terrified and it works because quite often you don’t hear from them again.
Don’t wait until he seriously hurts you or one of your children. You need to safeguard your family. It must be heartbreaking for you OP.

Every time he tells his sister to fuck off, I do the same. That’s not wet

I have to now physically square up to him every single time I confiscate a gadget. That’s not wet. I’m 6ft tall and he’s nearly as tall as me

Not 'wet' but that's not going to help the situation and it'll make it 10x worse ime.

Every time he tells his sister to fuck off, I do the same. That’s not wet

It sounds horrible to be honest. If that’s the (age appropriate) approach you’ve taken since he was a toddler, then the question is - what could you have done better to stop that? Do you think people are born as they are or made?

Personally I think a lot of it is the latter.

There are signs there and you’re ignoring them all and now you’ve got a child who’s aggressive and, I bet, sees himself as a victim in a lot of this. He sounds like an angry pained individual - I wonder where that comes from.

But rising to his temper is not working. You need support to find alternative ways of anticipating triggers and diffusing the situation. What support would there be wherever you are moving to, can you afford to fund it?

I'm so sorry for what you're going through op, and for the rudeness you've had on this thread.

Ds is explosive ,always has been,the second I loose my cool the whole thing escalates and I'm pretty sure it's because he doesn't feel safe when I'm ranting. If I'm consistent and calm things get resolved much quicker. I urge you to look into family therapy.

OP, you didn't tell us that you are in touch with the school.
You didn't tell us that you have called the police.
You didn't tell us that you match him.
You implied that you dealt with things rather passively.

I really don't think you should tell him to FO or square up to him.

How do you tell him his behaviour is unacceptable?
How does his father deal with him?
How do you and your husband deal with him together?
Does anyone undermine anyone else, or deny there is a problem?

That novel 'We must talk about Kevin' is all about the wife knowing there was a problem and the husband absolutely denying there was any issue at all. And a weird triangle that the boy knew his mother was on to him so they were allied in a strange honesty. Creepy book, but so well structured.

I am on your side, OP.

I honestly think you should CALMLY document his behaviour, CALMLY record his violence and outbursts, CALMLY arrange and pay for family therapy with a fully qualified possibly PhD clinical psychologist, CALMLY arrange a psychiatrist and CALMLY research military boarding schools.

Consequences calmly done are more devastating than noise and aggression. And sod the X box, sell it on eBay

OP I was going to suggest PDA too after reading your initial posts. I know several people who have been diagnosed with it and much of your son's behaviour would fit with it. MH best friend has almost identical issues with her son who has just been diagnosed with ADHD, HFA and PDA. I think there is more going on here than just an angry kid who's been labelled the family trouble maker. Good luck pursuing this OP

That novel 'We must talk about Kevin' is all about the wife knowing there was a problem and the husband absolutely denying there was any issue at all. And a weird triangle that the boy knew his mother was on to him so they were allied in a strange honesty. Creepy book, but so well structured

That's not really what the book was about tbh and again not particularly helpful to liken the OP's son to a fictional murderer.

does he warrant a special school op?

That's not really what the book was about tbh and again not particularly helpful to liken the OP's son to a fictional murderer.

To be fair, the character terrorised his sister before escalating his behaviour to murder.

This is not going to just stop. The child in unhinged for whatever reason and a threat to his siblings who should be protected from him, not living in fear.

@LoafofSellotape

That's not really what the book was about tbh and again not particularly helpful to liken the OP's son to a fictional murderer.

Actually I thought of WNTTAK when I read the OP too. It’s a great book and seeing similarities in the situation (as Windmill describes) is not comparing OP’s son to a murderer

curlyhaired assasin has good advice.
he needs more positive attention.
not negative.just positive. one on one.n He is 14.
you surely must love him?

EleanorReally from the OPs posts that sounds exactly what he needs and possibly why he's able to behave somewhat better at school.

I’m sorry you’re dealing with this.
What would happen if just you and ds1 were in the house and you broke down and cried about the difficulty in coping etc - would he be angry or would there be any sympathy from him?

Not responding to his mother crying isn't an indication the doesn't care or love her.

He sounds like a psychopath to be honest.

He sounds like a psychopath to be honest you clearly have to experience with children/teens who are troubled. What a ridiculous statement.

The familylives link that a pp posted looks helpful

He sounds like an unhappy 14 year old,

**NO experience

Do you ever spend 1:1 time with him OP? I wonder if this would help.

Also, I wondered what happened when he was 2? You said he changed then and became very angry. Was there a big change of some kind that happened around then?

Definitely agree with PPs saying contact social services.
Our family was referred to our local early help team who have been massively helpful
learning.nspcc.org.uk/safeguarding-child-protection/early-help-early-intervention/