I’m 35 - shall I settle?

[toffeeapple123]

Time is ticking. Shall I settle to have the family I’ve always wanted?

It's possible you are missing opportunities to meet people because of the feelings you are harbouring for your ex. He sounds like a twat tbh, sexting you with absolutely no come on from you? If you didn't have feelings for him it would be outrageous, unsolicited, misogynistic grimness but nevermind because you DO have those feelings. Forget about him.

Have you got yourself in a rut with your social life? Do you go to the same venues? Same hobbies? Can you job search? Broaden your horizons.

Hithere12 I'm not sure she'd dump him over a few sexy messages - they're TTC and he's her last chance. She's a bit older than him.

He's not my ex, he's my old best friend.

Hithere12 yes the fertility problem is him, but it's something that can be fixed

user27495824 I've joined gym, an evening class and am starting to go to meet ups/runs/walks etc. It's just more of the same tbh. Honestly feel so despondent.

It's upsetting to think there are lovely people just hoping to find the right person.

Hmmmm I really don't like that he's going behind her back like this. I hate when people try to set up their next relationship before jumping ship. Is he great husband material in that case?

Also, isn't he "settling"?

IdaBWells I don't like it either. Tbh it absolutely shocked me that he's behaved this way. He was always the nicest, sweetest, most loyal person I knew.

Maybe he does really love her, and isn't settling - he just uses me for an escape/excitement?

He told me I was the one who got away. But then he does say, the next day, how much he loves his partner.

It is sad "Jupiter13* and that's why I am pro all kinds of formal and informal matchmaking, as I am of the opinion that the larger community has some responsibility and some skin in the game to promote happy couples/families.

To bring two people together and have them fall in love and get married is actually a Mitzvah or "good deed" in Judaism.

toffeeapple he sounds confused. If this was a woman I would advise her to separate from her partner for a while and really discern what she wants, as he has two clear choices here. It sounds like he's bumbling along, not really making a truly conscious choice. However if his GF falls pregnant then I would consider the choice made.

I really think you should have a true heart to heart with him so there are no couldas and shouldas in the future. Neither of you can ever say you "missed your chance" and torture yourself later.

This probably isn’t very helpful, but just to combat the negativity/despondence - one day I had never met my (now) husband and the next day through some twist of fate I had.

Life works like that. And this will probably make you roll your eyes, but you never know what can happen tomorrow, in a week, in a month.

You sound like a real catch and your confidence is 🙌🏼
Could you work on cultivating male friends, like others have said through sports clubs etc? I get the default is to look for a partner. But some people are slow burners. I was really good friends with my husband for a couple of years before we got together (a bit like your old best friend!).

Get to know the person before considering them as a partner as opposed to the other way round? If that makes sense? Ie. In online dating you’re looking for the partner: looks, stats on paper etc, and getting to know them second.

Honestly "Toffee" you sound financially secure. I seriously think you should have a no obligation meeting with one of these services. They prescreen and only introduce you to men who are your true peers in terms of where you are in life. I think you would have a much better chance of cutting to the chase. Of course religious matchmakers are much cheaper as they see it as a ministry to their community so they just cover basic costs. It's also easier to screen people as they will be a known quantity by a large group in the religious "network". I can see that a secular matchmaker would need to do at lot more work to find people and then check all their background.

You could blog it all for MN so the service would know 100s of women were eyeballing them and they'd better try everything in their power to deliver

Thank you Tulio I need all the optimism I can get! Very good tips, thank you

Actually, there is a cute guy - I've never met him, but I heard about him from a meet up event that I went to about him. An older woman at the meeting up event mentioned he was husband material and hot and he was looking for someone too! I got his name, and found him on the meet up website, and also on Facebook and he is super hot and a professional, and I'd love to meet him, but I can't see which event he is due to go to next. It would totally be weird to message him, wouldn't it? We haven't met, but he's just my type - 40, single and looking for someone.

Tulio I just think at 35 you don't have the time for lots of "slow burns" that might come to nothing. I think the opposite. You want to meet some really high quality matches and you can decide within a few dates if this is something you want to pursue or move on.

(And I absolutely agree that the OP sounds like an amazing woman and a great catch.)

Can you tell I live in the USA

(And I absolutely agree that the OP sounds like an amazing woman and a great catch.)

Aw thank you so much guys. I don't feel like it a lot of the time!

OMG Toffee you can definitely contact him! Tell him you met your mutual contact and would he like to go for a drink? When men are ready to marry they get snapped up because they are usually single minded and don't mind telling everyone they are looking.

IdaBWells Well, it's an older woman he's only ever met once. And it would be weird if I were to contact him. I'd never consider it normally, but I'm desperate. Maybe I could message him 'oh so they're right - you are cute! We're both a member of the _ group. How are you finding it? Going on any more trips?"

Also I highly suspect he has woman all over him. He's absolutely drop dead gorgeous. I'm usually suspicious of men like this!

OMG just reread that he is on the meetup website, he is telegraphing that he is looking. Do it! Do it!

I totally hear you, as a young woman I HATED fancying men that lots of women like but so what?! Even gorgeous men get married, let's not hold it against them!

God, if anything, I wouldn't mind just having a short fling with such a man. I'm a woman with needs, and I know I want to get married, but I haven't been with anyone since my abusive ex last year!

Also Mr. Hottie will have FRIENDS so just look at this as an opportunity to add more guys to your network.

BTW l had a crush on a gorgeous guy for a couple of years and I am sure I was the one who made a move and we did go out. Guess what his name was? Mr. Perfect!!!! This is a true story!! Unfortunately I found him to be a lovely guy but too boring, even though he wanted to marry me. My friends all wanted me to be Mrs. Perfect

Heads would always swivel when he walked in the room though!

IdaBWells Haha as is often the case, the most attractive are the dimmest!

In your position I would find s good therapist who does relationship work and make a massive effort to go on lots of dates/dating events etc with the expectation of kissing a few frogs

To be honest relationships don’t get better with kids. The first year with a kid you’ll probably want to get divorced a few times. Things do get better but definitely don’t settle. Sometimes I wish I had found someone more suitable who would be more supportive and helpful.
This person will be in your life forever once a baby comes so pick wisely.
You never know who is around the corner waiting for you. And you can always adopt if that’s something that you feel you could do.
Just DONT settle!!!!
Good luck x