I’m 35 - shall I settle?

[toffeeapple123]

Time is ticking. Shall I settle to have the family I’ve always wanted?

I’m so invested in this thread because I have a best friend who I’ve been trying to have this conversation with and don’t know where to start and how to do it. She sounds very much like you and ... I even wondered if you were her until you mentioned specifics about men you dated .

So more questions from me, when you said you haven’t met that guy... you mean

Not found a guy who you can see as a “friend”? And logically see that he would be a decent father? But not necessarily have that spark ?

How do you go about trying to find a suitable person for you?

@toffeeapple123 what about co parenting? It's a compromise. At 35 you don't have much time left. I remember 29/30 seeing how dithery men were and thinking I will have to compromise. I got pregnant after a brief relationship I am financially secure and have often been pleased I went for it. Its tough emotionally I suspect if I had stayed with my son's father it would have been much worse. My son has never met his Dad but 12 years later had another son I suspect to someone like you with time running out. Knowing this man I know that her and her child's life must be a living hell. I don't believe people change. Tough call so many man children about! I watched a programme about co parenting seems like a good idea fathers support and influence do you have someone to help you.

www.telegraph.co.uk/online-dating/dating-tips/dating-tips-for-professionals-seeking-love/

Regarding paid online dating agencies, see this article about a professional woman who sued one for misleading her as to the number of men on the site. If all the activities of the agency are offline, it is impossible to know what is the pool and quality of men available:

www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2018/aug/15/not-enough-fish-woman-successfully-sues-dating-agency-seventy-thirty

"The judge said the agency’s then managing director, Lemarc Thomas, claimed there was a substantial number of wealthy male members actively engaged in its matchmaking services who were a sufficient match for Burki’s desires.

This was false and misleading, said the judge, because there were only about 100 active male members altogether. That number could not “by any stretch of the imagination” be described as a substantial number, even without considering how far that number would have to be reduced to allow for compliance with her criteria.

Had Ms Burki known what the true size of the active membership was, she would not have joined Seventy Thirty,” he said. She was induced to enter her contract with the agency by the false representations given by Thomas, who must have known he was giving her a wholly false impression, he added."

I knkw you said you joined a few sporting type clubs and went to an event and met several men but none were you, etc.

Do you think you need to give them more time? I met my dh as part of a sporting club and knew him through the group for a couple of years before there was any sort of spark. And then one night after barely being aware of him there were fireworks, we've been married nearly 20 years now! Sometimes the spark grows from friendship.

To be honest the initial lust/chemistry rarely lasts it does for some people but doesn't for the majority which means that a lot of people may have married for chemistry but end up settling anyway.

I know a couple of people who made a big song and dance on Facebook about being with "the love of their life" and and they still ended up divorced.

Don't settle OP. I'm 10 years older than you and I've seen marriages where one or both settled, because the clock was ticking and they felt pressure (either biological or familial) to 'settle down and have a family'. Those people are now either really unhappily married or they're divorced.

I think you're right that you're a difficult age for OLD. Men see 35-year-old women as like ticking bombs - desperate to meet 'the one', hurriedly get married and have a baby within a year. Some people do manage to do this, but if you want to persevere with OLD I would definitely get off the free ones (PoF, Tinder, etc), and join a paid for site. I do know people of both sexes who've met 'the one' in their mid-late 30s that way, because people who are serious about wanting to settle down tend to end up on those sites when the hook-up sites fail to deliver them someone serious and marriage-worthy.

Re sports clubs/activities: if you're sporty (and I notice that you said you spend your spare time either resting or going to the gym), I'd urge you to keep going to groups where you'll meet men, even if that first event was a dud. I honestly think that meeting face-to-face and knowing you have at least one thing in common, plus you can be fairly sure you live in the same area if you meet via your local running group/Parkrun/whatever is your best bet. You can't judge chemistry online, but in person you can. Don't give up! You're not past it yet

zafferana thank you

Blueshoes if you read the whole article the agency won 5k damages from Ms. Burki for libel. The judge said he had not found the business was a fundamentally dishonest or fraudulent operation. It sounds like she was misled by the male employee who got her to sign the contract as Ms. Burki had such high expectations. "Had Thomas explained to Burki that the database in included active members, former members who still wished to be matched and people who had been headhunted and had agreed to be put on the database in the hope of finding a suitable partner, she would have had little cause for complaint" the judge stated. It was acknowledged by everyone that Ms. Burki had incredibly high demands.

If all matchmakers were a rip off they would soon be out of business and there would be hundreds of cases of people demanding their money back.

I used to be an executive recruiter and it's a very similar boutique business. We almost always filled the criteria of what a company wanted and found them a suitable employee. Sometimes either the company or employee were demanding and unrealistic. Very occasionally what the company wanted didn't exist or employees with that particular skill set were in high demand and extremely thin on the ground.

The majority of the time we fulfilled the brief and everyone was happy.

Don’t settle for someone - you’ll regret it.

I know two people who met and married through a dating agency. The successful ones like Drawing Down the Moon have literally thousands of marriages over the years.

I can't understand why anyone would say I'd do anything to find the love of my life, but wouldn't give something like that a whirl (I mean if they are already in the OLD world anyway, obviously that format wouldn't suit anyone).

IdaBWells you will also note that the court awarded £12,600 damages for deceit and £500 for distress. In other words, she won against the agency notwithstanding the libel.

I have no skin in the game other than pointing out the potential pitfalls of paid dating agencies. You however seem very invested in the OP using them.

I think you should get a sperm donation.

I disagree with poster who says she reads these threads and thinks ''poor bloke''. I think if there's no connection there and the man doesn't notice or care then he's not the type who'll be wounded by the fact that he ''punched above his weight''.

I am not invested but I don’t understand when people will invest in just about anything EXCEPT help to find a life partner when that is what they want most in life. I also know matchmakers who are very successful in matching people, but in a religious context. So I believe the concept is sound.

Living in London is definitely part of the problem. Most of my successful female friends can't find the elusive Mr. Right, either. I'm talking amazing catches, who earn decent money and own their own properties. The equivalent men just aren't there.

If you keep doing the same things and going to the same places you are going to get the same results. You have to make changes if you are serious about meeting someone. This would be exactly the same advice for women or men.

breakfastpizza I don't mean to sound arrogant, but count me in - I'm successful, earn higher than most, own my apartment, car etc. I can handle a non-equal partner, as long as he's not intimidated. But it seems there aren't any even semi decent men around. Or am I so cynical, I can't see except for the sleazy married men and predators who harass me on the tube and streets?

I haven't mentioned - sorry to dripfeed - there is one guy who was absolutely madly in love with me in my 20s. We were best friends. He would have married me in an instant, but I didn't feel the same at the time. I was young and didn't want to settle. Now I do have those feelings for him, but he's in a serious relationship. I haven't told him and don't plan to. He flirts with me, and drops hints like how he'd be with me if he were single. All of this comes from him, I don't instigate it nor flirt back. I remain friendly. He started to send me sex messages, again I didn't engage, and he felt awfully guilty the next day and said he felt bad and he loved his gf etc. If he became single, I'd snap him up in a second, but I wouldn't do anything to bring it on. It has to come from him. I'm not a home wrecker.

For example if you have a free evening to take an adult education class take one likely to appeal to men such as computer programming, woodworking or military history. By making more male friends you are networking and maybe you might like one of their friends.

Men also are less likely to approach women with friends around them, so you have to be brave enough to go it alone more often.

toffeeapple I think you need to be honest with this man. Tell him you would snap him up if he were single, but he has to be single. If he breaks off his relationship and moves out then "all's fair in love and war". But he HAS to make himself truly available. If he's not willing to risk what he has then really he is hoping for a FWB arrangement.

IdaBWells yep joined an evening course last year. no men of interest and I had to sit opposite a guy who drooled over me the entire time. It was gross! And I go everywhere alone tbh. But good suggestions nonetheless thank you

IdaBWells he wouldn’t be the type to leave his gf. I know he wouldn’t. I know they’re having fertility problems but if he were truly happy would he be messaging me like that?

but I wouldn't do anything to bring it on. It has to come from him. I'm not a home wrecker

The woman he’s with deserves better anyway. She’d probably dump him if she found out he was saying these things to his ex. I know I’d dump mine.

I’ll get flamed for this but if you love the ex then get back with him. He’s just going to hurt the woman he’s with eventually if he behaves this way with you.

I know they’re having fertility problems but if he were truly happy would he be messaging me like that?

Well 40% of fertility issues are due to the man, so you could be risking it with someone infertile.