Decided to get pregnant before divorce

[applecrunch92]

So before you guys start judging me, I have been going back and forth in my mind about this for quite a while. So I've been married for nearly 2 years now and have a 7 month old DS, it's been extremely difficult in my marriage which resulted in us depressing for 5 months with no contact what's so ever.
Long story short we've reconciled due to family and have now decided to give it ago.
It's been a month now of us living back together and I can honestly say that I do not love him at all!! Now more than ever it's clear to me that he isn't the one that I'd want to spend the rest of my life with.
So I've decided to seek divorce but before having the chat with him I'd try to conceive as I want DS to have a sibling form the same father. I mean who knows how long I'd find another partner, I'd never want DS to grow up alone. Regardless I'll be a single mother anyway so 2 kids to me won't make that much of a difference.
I know that you guys must be thinking I'm crazy, but I'd rather get having kids out the way rather than meeting someone in 5 years time and having to constantly think about giving DS a sibling. The plus side is that they'll have each other. Has anyone been through this? Am I crazy for thinking like this ? There's no way that I'd want to spend the rest of my life with my husband so they're won't be another chance.
I need as much advice as I could get, I've been thinking about this Non stop.

I don't need support financially from him or anything. I'm be blunt all I want is the baby and that's me being honest. He has mentioned that if we were to ever get divorced he'd be out of me and DS life so wether I have 1 child or 2 their father would not be present in their life.
From a moral/ethical prospective I know it's wrong to bring a child into a broken home I understand, however, a lot of single women have kids via a perm donor how's that different to my situation. And I appreciate everyone's concerns in regards to the children's safety but he would never harm our son. EVER!
I'm pretty sure a lot of women have done/gone through this I'm just honest enough to talk about it.
Life isn't all black unfortunately and sometimes you have to be selfish!!!

You're either deranged, vile, a troll, a self-centred narcissist or a combination of these.

you've got a point. However I have a ton of family support, I work which mains I'm able to provide for my kids.

But earlier in the thread op you said you DIDNT have support when asked why you had children in the first place.

And in the future I wouldn't mind having kids with a new partner my issue is my son feeling left out when I do decide to have kids if he's an only child, however if I've got two at least they've got each other for support

Yes but what if your new, imaginary partner wants only one child- that child will then be different to siblings who are likely much older and closer in age. They will be half siblings to the new baby who is more likely to be alone. However one child and then adding another or subsequent children would be an easier dynamic I would have thought.

If it all goes pear shaped and DH does get 50:50 custody of two children how will you feel about that.

Have you tried to work it out- councilling etc. Nothing ever makes violence ok- NEVER but it doesn’t sound like your that fussed anyway or that you ever even liked your dh.

For those of you saying op dh would not be tricked- he could easily be, assuming bc is the pill, the dh would not know op had stopped taking it and would assume other methods not required.

Think how this would be if a woman was saying oh my dh said he put a condom on but then I found out he didn’t!

It's a dreadful idea to deliberately conceive a child with a man with whom you have no intention of staying. Your reasoning behind this is skewed. What is more, it's very unfair and selfish.

You have a child, be glad and concentrate on giving that one the best life possible.

OP, you've got 92 in your username, would that make you 27?

Being a Mum of two is absolutely NOTHING like being a Mum of one. I've got two and it is so, so challenging (they're a year apart). Even with family support, they might turn around to you when you're pregnant with your second and say "we don't feel comfortable looking after two young children, we've reached our limit on how we can support you" (this is what my family did to me) - and then what? Are you going to be able to afford sending them both to full time childcare so you can continue working?

Supporting children isn't just doing it financially, it's about providing them with stability, happiness, continuity and your presence (both mentally and physically). If this man you're considering having another child with has been slapping you around, disrespecting you and not being a supportive partner then no, he's not a good Dad. The reality of it is that you and he need to separate not procreate and you need to get your son out of a hostile environment.

Right now, your son needs a happy, healthy Mum not a sibling. The stakes are high here, it's better the devil you know than the devil you don't - don't have another child with this person, walk away.

I'm pretty sure a lot of women have done/gone through this I'm just honest enough to talk about it.

No. They haven't. You can't seriously think that 'a lot' of women have.

Utterly bonkers.

Poppingoneoutin20

No i didn't get back with him for that reason, if you read what I've written properly I said that I decided to give it another go, it's been a month now and I've realised that I do not love him at all... I started thinking about the future and the prospect of having kids and so on, then this thought came in to my head,

I'm pretty sure a lot of women have done/gone through this I'm just honest enough to talk about it.
I have no doubt some women trick men into fatherhood. They're still morally questionable.

Life isn't all black unfortunately and sometimes you have to be selfish!!!
Being selfish is putting your feet up all weekend leaving DH/DW to do everything, not deceptively bringing a new life into the world.

Jesus christ.

So not only is your foest child going to ask questions and always wonder why they wasnr food enough for their father... you then want to do that to a second child? You really are a selfish cow. Get off the internet and sort yourself out. Vile, horrendous human being.

What a waste of oxygen. You, not him.

Op I will be kind to you as your baby is still little and I understand the urge to want another child , that doesn't make you the devil.
I considered this myself, I think it's natural to question all sorts of things when you are thinking about separating. In my case I knew at my age it was now or never, but i realised yes it's double hard being a single mum to 2 kids. I had to think about work , childcare and just plain logistics. I also knew the second child would have little or no bond with their father.
A friend of mine was so desperate for her ds not to be an only child she jumped into the quickest rebound relationship I've ever seen and finding out the hard way it was not a wise thing to do.

What I am trying to say is , as a parent you have to put kids first no matter how you feel and going ahead with this plan would not be in the kids best interest .
Good luck with your separation and it helps to take one day at a time

Since your update op- a few further points

How old are you? You said biology is against you? Unless you’re 45 that’s another ridiculous reason to add to the other immoral reasons you’ve mentioned.

Yes some women do deliberately get pregnant but that does not make it right.

Your dh saying “oh I’d want nothing to do with the dc” if you divorced and then that actually panning our is not as common as you thing. Someone ( often grandparents) often pressures the dad to make contact for the gp benefit. Yes sadly ( or not as the case may be) some dc don’t see their dads but most split families I know have done contact even if it’s not initially.

So a month after returning to said 'abusive' partner, you conviently decide that you want another baby.... with the same man.... hut also a divorce....

Ans this didnt enter your mind as little as a month ago? Yeah ok

All planned maliciously

Yes it's super-selfish not to think of your future child's wellbeing and how it would make sense of this. Think of the baby as a person.

You don't sound entirely rational.

Did you have support after he assaulted you to make sense of how that fitted into the wider picture of your relationship?

Abuse is about power and control, not violence. Somebody can be subjecting you to the most appalling abuse without ever laying a finger on you. And usually people don't realise it's happening to them until it becomes very, very extreme. Sometimes they still don't, even then.

You know he's capable of physically assaulting you, does that not make you more cautious in your behaviour knowing at the back of your mind "what if this upsets him and he hits me again?"?

It would be pretty much unheard of for a man who committed physical abuse to not also be engaging in other more subtle forms of abuse - which you may not have noticed or you may have stopped noticing.

Why would your son feel lonely if he was living with you and being cared for and loved by you? Why would having half siblings make him feel lonely? Where have you got that idea from? Unless you would plan to treat them differently based on their DNA? And remind them over breakfast each day that they have different fathers?

How do you think your second child would feel about being created as a plaything for your first child?

Why are you forcing yourself to have sex when you don't want to? Why do you think that's a normal thing to do?

A broken home is one with an abusive parent where the child is always walking on eggshells, worrying about how upset his mum is, worrying it's his fault dad is nasty to her, afraid dad will seriously hurt her one day. Where the child never gets to learn what healthy relationships look or feel like.

A home free from abuse, with a stable, loving parent is a healthy home.

Amazing dads don't ever assault their child's mother. Not once, not ever.

I really think you need some support to understand what your husband has done to you and the bigger picture of his behaviour and how it's affected you. I would encourage you to go on the Freedom Programme: www.freedomprogramme.co.uk

It's information, not therapy, so you don't have to talk about yourself. They won't judge you or tell you what to do, they just have lots of really useful info they can share with you so you can change things for the better and build that great future for you and your son.

Thank you dontforgettourprolly if anything your advice was extremely helpful and has given me a different insight

Poppingoneoutin20 you're absolutely disgusting if you have nothing good to say keep it to yourself.

Orchidflower1 I'm 27 hence the 92 in my name

Do you think it might be possible this idea has come out of your grief over realising your dreams of how you imagined your future playing out can't happen?

The person who is tricking a man to get then pregnant before leaving then knowing full well is going to break not just one, but three hearts in the long run... is calling me disgusting? I'm sorry but where is your head at? I genuinely dont think you are nearly fit or sane enough to look after one, let alone two children.

Was this an arranged marriage?

Genetically the second or the first could end up with a personality just like the dad. If you dislike him so why would you want to take that chance and have a baby with him?

Its unethical to start. Plus it may put off other potential partners

I really wouldn't worry about that; if this is true at all, anyone prepared to be quite so deceitful would have little trouble spinning the circumstances for a future partner

Interesting too that he's apparently violent, but when a PP mentions risk to a future child, suddenly he's not violent any more

Ridiculous ...

It’s not right to trick a man into having another child what ever it is they have done wrong, I do think your crazy to even consider it. You are worried you may not have a chance to have another dc? Well that’s not his problem. What about the poor child that likely to grow up without a father? When he finds out what you have done he might vanish? I mean why should he support a child that he was tricked into having?

I do know someone who had a child with her ex so her ds could have a sibling but there was no trickery involved, it was a mutual agreement.

This isn’t about your ds. This is about you and your desire for your ds to have a sibling. He’s too little to advocate for what he wants and even if he weren’t, as the the adults, you and you husband would be the decision makers.

Being an only child is not the end of the world. My dd is an only by circumstance rather than choice. I could not give her a sibling but I can make damn sure my home is open and available for her friends to visit and ensure she is enriched in many other ways.

You say your husband was violent to you but a good father. Your child is still a baby. You have no idea what kind of father he will be once your ds is able to answer him back let alone what he will be like once your ds hits his tweens then teens.

You are still in the honeymoon, baby years and I strongly advise you against bringing another child into a situation, where you will not be present when they spend time with their father.

As for being able to support your child and future possible child alone, you cannot say that with 100% certainty. Many things can happen to prevent this. You may for example become disabled or have a child with additional needs and both would potentially force you to give up work.

Right now you are catastrophizing. Let life play its course. You may meet someone else, who is very kind and loving to your ds and have another child. Or you may learn that one child is a sensible option for you or that your ds is better equipped to live life as an only child. Not all children prefer to have a sibling. My friend always says her youngest would be happier as an only.

YABU. Friend was in a similar position, desperate for a second full sibling for her dc, despite marriage being on its knees. She got pregnant and was also quite pragmatic about it - they would split, she has a large family, would raise them herself etc. Her dh didn't quite see it the same. After the initial shock had worn off, he set himself up and requested 50% shared care - seems despite what she thought, he did care for his dc. This pushed her over the edge, she had a breakdown, lost her job, now lives on benefits and only has her dc half the week. Not how she saw it panning out at all & none of them, dc included, are very happy.
It all may sound fine as a plan on paper, but things don't necessarily work out that way. I would think very long & hard before you make a decision like that.