Decided to get pregnant before divorce

[applecrunch92]

So before you guys start judging me, I have been going back and forth in my mind about this for quite a while. So I've been married for nearly 2 years now and have a 7 month old DS, it's been extremely difficult in my marriage which resulted in us depressing for 5 months with no contact what's so ever.
Long story short we've reconciled due to family and have now decided to give it ago.
It's been a month now of us living back together and I can honestly say that I do not love him at all!! Now more than ever it's clear to me that he isn't the one that I'd want to spend the rest of my life with.
So I've decided to seek divorce but before having the chat with him I'd try to conceive as I want DS to have a sibling form the same father. I mean who knows how long I'd find another partner, I'd never want DS to grow up alone. Regardless I'll be a single mother anyway so 2 kids to me won't make that much of a difference.
I know that you guys must be thinking I'm crazy, but I'd rather get having kids out the way rather than meeting someone in 5 years time and having to constantly think about giving DS a sibling. The plus side is that they'll have each other. Has anyone been through this? Am I crazy for thinking like this ? There's no way that I'd want to spend the rest of my life with my husband so they're won't be another chance.
I need as much advice as I could get, I've been thinking about this Non stop.

You're welcome applecrunch. When you have been ground down by a man like that your mindset changes and you can have all sorts of silly thoughts. If you give yourself time to move on and get back to your old self you will make wiser choices

Op asked for advice not a character assassination. It must be wonderful to be oh so perfect. Some people who comment on MN are just awful. OP, you never went into your marriage with one eye on the divorce court. This unfortunately is just how it has turned out. Presumably you had planned a larger family together, so it wouldn’t be that unusual for you to have another child together. He also probably knows himself that things remain rocky and that the eventual outcome could be divorce with 2 kids. It would be best if you made the decision to have another together, but if not, you wouldn’t be the first/last women to take the decision into your own hands.

you're actually going overboard by calling me an abuser
Hardly!
You're deliberately manipulating - and no doubt gaslighting - your husband.
You are deliberately trying to trick him.
You're full of excuses trying to justify your batshit abusive behaviour.
I'm also not the only one on this thread who has noticed - and commented - on your abusive attitude and behaviour.

You'd be better off getting some help with your self esteem issues.
There's a word for people who use - or force themselves into - sex for transactional/business purposes - they're called prostitutes.

Carry on like you are and it won't be the 'absent dad' issue that fucks up your kids heads/lives.

You’re 29 (most likely) how are you going to possibly financially support two children by yourself?

How would you feel if you were planning your exit from a bad relationship and your partner tampered with your birth control or poked holes in the condom and impregnated you without your consent?

i bet you'll insist on claiming maintenance from him for the 2nd child too?
Despite saying you can afford to bring them up on your own?

If a man came on here saying this is what he was planning to do to his wife the comments would be a lot bloody harsher - and not a single poster would be agreeing or encouraging you.

Being a woman doesn't make this kind of shit acceptable.

Right now, your son needs a happy, healthy Mum not a sibling.

And in order for him to have a happy and healthy Mum, you need some form of therapy, OP, you really do. There's something really really wrong if you can't see how mad your plan is, both for you and your son.

Leave the husband, focus on yourself and your son, lean on family and friends for support.

You ask how this is different from using a sperm donor. The difference is that sperm donors fully consent to being sperm donors, and get paid for it. Also, they are not informed as to whether their sperm produces people or not, and they have no legal, moral or financial obligations towards any children produced with their sperm. All of this is different with your DH.

Unless you say to your DH “I want to get divorced but would like to get pregnant by you first - are you ok with that?” and he says “yes”, he hasn’t given his consent to you using him for sperm.

Yikes! I'm sure you have your mind made up but it sounds like it's just paving the way for a complicated divorce (and life...). Good luck.

Op asked for advice not a character assassination. It must be wonderful to be oh so perfect.
I don't understand the 'posters point out the wrongs in some actions = weird reply from other posters pointing out all the other posters must be perfect' replies.

Nobody has to be perfect to point out that using deception to bring a new life into the world is selfish and immoral.

So just to be clear - you are choosing to leave not 1 but 2 DC's without a father... Awesome.

OP you’re 27 - so you have loads of time if “ biology” as you call it is worrying you . At 30/32 you could meet another man who wants you and your child and go in to have 2 or 3 more children.

Please don’t do this, it’s not fair, it’s not right and it’s no good for anyone involved and deep down I think you know that.

Poppingoneoutin20
Like I said if you've got nothing good to say stay quite. If you're unable to state your opinion or give your views on a topic without having to resort to name calling then you're immature. You need a few lessons on how to articulate yourself without bringing someone down even if you disagree with their ideology, because you don't know why I think the way I do.

A kid that doesn't have brothers and sisters does not miss not having brothers and sisters. As an only child I can attest to this. Loved being an only child, would have hated an annoying little brother or sister.

You are doing this for you, not for your son. And if he is abusive and you are genuinely considering having another child with him then you clearly aren't considering that childs best interests either.

*does not miss having brothers or sisters

Orchidflower1

You're absolutely right, I obviously know it's wrong or else I wouldn't have made a post about this. I maybe wanted to hear someone say that it's okay/ go ahead/ you can do it ..... It doesn't make sense to get pregnant by someone you really dislike and has hurt you in the past, so you could imagine the pain I'd be putting myself through if anything.
I'm just really worried for DS. I definitelyneed to think about this again.

If it was the other way round - If you didn't want a child, and you and your DH were using condoms, and he secretly wanted a divorce but decided you should have a baby to "remember him by", and didn't use anything and you got pregnant, would you think this was okay?

No? I wouldn't either. So how is what you are doing any less reprehensible?

It is not fair to your husband, to your son, or to any other child you might have. And I'll bet you'd find it much harder work than you expected, too.

Shame The Jeremy Kyle show has ended, he would have a field day with this.

OP, by your own admission: You have an unhappy marriage, your Husband has been abusive, he has told you that if you ever divorce he wants nothing to do with you or your son. And yet you want to inflict a second child to this douche bag and most importantly messed up situation?

Siblings aren’t the be all and end all. I have one and I cannot stand them. You are being extremely naive if you are trying to convince yourself this selfish plan of yours is for the benefit of your son. He doesn’t care. It’s irresponsible and selfish to bring a baby into the world knowing fine well it’s father is going to fuck off the second you announce the divorce. Consider that for your son and a future child.

OP, please read what thetimekeeper has said.

It's your life OP - do what is right for you.
Personally I think you are very brave.

Stop pretending this is about your DS, you want a second baby for you. I can’t imagine wanting to have another child with a man you already know to be abusive

Right now, your son needs a happy, healthy Mum not a sibling.

Yes yes yes - so much this. A child’s need for a sibling to have a happy childhood is so far down the list compared to this.

I think you should do what you think is best for you. I get why you would want two kids by the same dad and better the devil you know. If he's said he's down to have another child then that's even better. Don't tell him your plans to leave. You have him another chance and it didn't work and as long as you are prepared to raise both kids alone, go for it....

@applecrunch92 you do realise it could take years to conceive no2? Even if you fell pregnant first time with DS. So leaving aside all other issues you're going to force yourself to have sex with him for another tow years, potentially beat least slapped about by him for two years, two years of your son getting older and being able to understand what Daddy does to Mommy? Two years when you could be moving in and foccuisng in your son and yourself healing from this relationship?
How long into the pregnancy will you stay? 12 weeks to get past the miscarriage risk? 20 weeks to get past the anomy scan? What happens if God forbid after 2 years of trying you get pregnant and lose the baby? Another few years of trying, now you're 4 more years in...

If you don't love him do yourself a favour and go. Take your son and bud a life. He won't be dmaamged from being an only child and if you meet someoen in the future he doesn't have to be sidelined for your new beau and baby.