Decided to get pregnant before divorce

[applecrunch92]

So before you guys start judging me, I have been going back and forth in my mind about this for quite a while. So I've been married for nearly 2 years now and have a 7 month old DS, it's been extremely difficult in my marriage which resulted in us depressing for 5 months with no contact what's so ever.
Long story short we've reconciled due to family and have now decided to give it ago.
It's been a month now of us living back together and I can honestly say that I do not love him at all!! Now more than ever it's clear to me that he isn't the one that I'd want to spend the rest of my life with.
So I've decided to seek divorce but before having the chat with him I'd try to conceive as I want DS to have a sibling form the same father. I mean who knows how long I'd find another partner, I'd never want DS to grow up alone. Regardless I'll be a single mother anyway so 2 kids to me won't make that much of a difference.
I know that you guys must be thinking I'm crazy, but I'd rather get having kids out the way rather than meeting someone in 5 years time and having to constantly think about giving DS a sibling. The plus side is that they'll have each other. Has anyone been through this? Am I crazy for thinking like this ? There's no way that I'd want to spend the rest of my life with my husband so they're won't be another chance.
I need as much advice as I could get, I've been thinking about this Non stop.

It’s bollocks saying you are doing it for your son . It’s deceitful because you are going to be asking for maintenance for 2 children when in effect you current husband is little more than a sperm donor . Use a sperm donor if you want another baby .

Of course he doesn't we just got back together, but I no longer love him. So I'm planning to have a talk with him however that thought of baby 2 is in the back of my head. I Hardly ever go out I need time to heal before dating. But I just think about would DS resent me for moving in getting married and having kids, would he probably feel alone? I think about these things and to be called selfish is crazy to me.

That's incredibly unfair on your husband. It's so deceitful.

And he will get 50:50 contact if he applies for it and there is no police record of his violence.

And so you should feel really bad, your son is better in a stable lone parent situation than a broken marriage, particularly before he even remembers. How can you even want to have sex with this man? Let alone another baby. This has got to be a wind up.

I think you may be rose tinting things a wee bit OP.

Two children are not just as easy as one. Even with a smallish age gap, two children are bloody hard work. Your little one, at seven months, hasn't even STARTED to try you out, do you really, voluntarily, want a three year old tantrumming on an hourly basis whilst you are trying to potty train the younger?

Two are twice as much work, honestly.

Regardless of how right or wrong it is to do this, YABU to want to bring another child into the world with a physically abusive father!

I would concentrate on pouring all of your efforts into leaving and forget about having another with this man.

If he agrees with it and is happy to support and love the child it’s fine. However I think maybe seriously under estimating how much extra work a 2nd child is. One child is easy but two changes the dynamics hugely. The cost of everything, dividing your time, cleaning, cooking, different activities, different school/nursery hours, double the cost of childcare, if one wakes up crying it often wakes the other child up.

I would think long and hard about the practicality of raising 2 children on your own as it’s not easy,

He's stopped abusing me it's not as if I get beat up everyday. I'm not in any danger and my son isnt either I would never put him in that situation. I'm just thinking about the future.

I'm actually doing it for my son not me I could do with out the 9 months and the labour pains 😑

Why do you think DC1 being an only child is somehow worse than DC2 being born into a 'broken home'? (your words).

You are still tricking him, into thinking that he’d be agreeing to another baby as part of a family. It’s a dreadful idea. Not to mention from your own perspective, having to still have regular sex with someone you feel this way about. Not exactly pleasant I would imagine.

If you were to say to him that you wanted to leave him but have a baby first and he agreed then no, you wouldn't be selfish, you would be open and honest.
It's the underhandedness and dishonesty I think that doesn't sit right.

I have tried my best to keep the marriage together for the sake of my son, because I don't want him growing up in a broken home. And for anyone calling me selfish I'm actually doing it for my son not me I could do with out the 9 months and the labour pains 😑

The thing is, having an abusive man for a father leads to worse outcomes for children than coming from a broken home.

Do some research about that. You may feel that you are acting unselfishly, but it seems to me that you are perceiving your situation in a way which justifies what you want.

It is a terrible idea to have a second child with someone who is abusive. It will make it more difficult to extricate yourself from his influence.
You have ballsed up your chance for 2.4 by not separating from your husband right from the off when you realised 2 weeks in the marriage was not going to work.

I hope you find a way to come to terms with this before you make further mistakes which will make your Children’s lives harder in the long run.

Remember that your kids only get one dad.

@applecrunch92

If he has the capacity to hit you multiple times once, he has the capacity to do it again.

From your replies it seems to me you have made your decision and want affirmation that this is okay. Personally, you're on the verge of opening a can of worse and it will not only be messy for you and one DC but 2.

Would not recommend it.

1. you should not be bringing another child into this relationship. I am very sorry op that he has been abusive to you, that is never acceptable. What I do think however is that you believe that you want to give your child a sibling and I think, deep down you want to replace the void of splitting up with your husband.

2. He needs to know that you intend to split after giving birth. If you already have the intention to then you are being deceptive by not telling him.

3. I know you said you'd happily be a single mum but he would be well within his rights to go for 50/50 childcare.

Am I missing something here? Isn't a "broken home" classed as when the parents have separated? So whether you have one kid or 5 with this man then leave, they are still from a broken home?

Calling Bullshit on the Broken home excuse.

Why not have a baby with a sperm donor

Quite. The father you’ve selected in the first place isn’t exactly a prince of a man, is he.

Shocking and very very manipulative and selfish.

Mrsmiggins37 it's actually off putting I find it really difficult to even sleep with him, I'm on the verge of depression due to forcing myself to have sex with him as I do not enjoy it at all. However, as a father he is helpful and amazing.
And I wouldn't ask him for child support if he didn't want to. I can support them finically my self

or you could look at it this way.... you want to bring another child into an abusive household... and subject another child to an abusive father, and lets be honest when the kids get older he will be abusive to them too AND he can go to court and get 50/50 custody so he can control them and teach them his ways, he can be abusive to them and manipulate them daily and make them believe that mummy is the bad one, she broke up the family etc... you will lose, they will lose, you are setting them up for a lifetime of shit

Nothing is wrong with having an 'only' child. Only doesn't mean lonely.

My husband and I had one child together. My first born was from another marriage and was 15 years older and left the family home for another part of the world when my youngest was 4. So our son is an only child. He loved being an only child.

I wish I'd been an only child. My older sister was an absolute bitch to me. We haven't spoken for decades.

It will be easier for you to find another man if you only have one child. What you seem to be saying is that you want your family to be complete and are ruling out starting another - you just want to be supported emotionally and maybe financially.

I actually regretted marrying him within the first two weeks of marriage.

Then you shouldn't have had one child, let alone two with him.

Anything could go wrong. You could be ill before during or after pregnancy, the child could be ill, he could begin abusing you again (its usually worse with 2nd child), he could start abusing the kids. Do you have a home to go to? What about money? Surely if you are just treating him as a sperm donor you don't expect maintenance too? What if he wants access to both kids 50:50? What if you have to go to court?

It's madness.

Utterly fucking ridiculous and selfish

But you seem to have your mind set up so crack on, and good luck with the fall out which will not only be inflicted on you but on your kids too

Oh dear OP this is just a ridiculous idea that's bound to end in disaster.