Decided to get pregnant before divorce

[applecrunch92]

So before you guys start judging me, I have been going back and forth in my mind about this for quite a while. So I've been married for nearly 2 years now and have a 7 month old DS, it's been extremely difficult in my marriage which resulted in us depressing for 5 months with no contact what's so ever.
Long story short we've reconciled due to family and have now decided to give it ago.
It's been a month now of us living back together and I can honestly say that I do not love him at all!! Now more than ever it's clear to me that he isn't the one that I'd want to spend the rest of my life with.
So I've decided to seek divorce but before having the chat with him I'd try to conceive as I want DS to have a sibling form the same father. I mean who knows how long I'd find another partner, I'd never want DS to grow up alone. Regardless I'll be a single mother anyway so 2 kids to me won't make that much of a difference.
I know that you guys must be thinking I'm crazy, but I'd rather get having kids out the way rather than meeting someone in 5 years time and having to constantly think about giving DS a sibling. The plus side is that they'll have each other. Has anyone been through this? Am I crazy for thinking like this ? There's no way that I'd want to spend the rest of my life with my husband so they're won't be another chance.
I need as much advice as I could get, I've been thinking about this Non stop.

To anyone that's saying I'd be tricking him I wouldn't be, we've discussed the prospect of another child and he agreed. So it won't come as a surprise to him if I got pregnant.

Are people actually this stupid?

Obviously you are tricking him because you know he wouldn't agree if he was aware you were going to divorce him afterwards!!

As you are already on the verge of being depressed due to forcing yourself to have sex with him, I don’t think it would be good for you emotionally, psychologically or physically to have sex with him again, even one more time. Never mind get pregnant- carrying a baby conceived in that way could be very traumatic. It could cause you to have breakdown.

And putting yourself through any of this is going to put you under a lot of strain, strain that could interfere with your ability to be there properly as a parent for your child.

Consider whether the strain of being back living with an abusive man is perhaps already putting you under a lot of emotional/psychological/physical strain and whether you are just clutching at straws here to find something that would make what you’ve already been through “worth it”.

Don’t do this to yourself or to your child.

I'm sorry if this offends anyone that has an only child but, having a sibling does make life more enjoyable for your child. As many friends/ cousins they might have it will never fill the void of a sibling.

I’m sorry if this offends anyone who has deliberately had a child within a toxic relationship with an abusive man and then divorced him, but having two parents who love each other does make life more enjoyable for a child. As many “full” siblings as they might have it will never fill the void of having two happy, stable, loving primary caregivers.

Well said MamaFlntstone!

Better to have one child or even no child than to have children with someone you no longer intend to be with.

I'm genuinely surprised there is more than 1 person that thinks the OP should do this!

In every post the OP contradicts herself - his violent then he's not, she doesn't want her DC raised in a broken home then she understands they will be. OP this is an awful, manipulative idea- you are tricking him. I'm guessing you will claim CMS for the child if you lose your job or are diagnosed with ill health. During your divorce you will claim you need more equity)assets as you have 2 children.

I have a very happy only child (through choice) - I can offer her an amazing lifestyle and experiences. My DP is an only child and never wanted a sibling. My BF has 3 siblings and they all hate each other - siblings do not equal a happy child. Concentrate on the child you have and spending time with him, firstly moving out of an abusive hh.

Mynewbeartotoro

I keep seeing everyone refer to him as an physically abusive man. First of all, he has been abusive in the past, he Doesn't go around punching me and kicking me everyday. A few incidents took place during arguments which resulted in slaps.
So far he hasn't done anything.
However, all of this has caused me to fall out of live with him ( no brainier).
I could cope because I would make it happen. If you really want something you'll cope and manage in my opinion.

I think the opinion here would be getting pregnant to a man without his knowledge and approval is a bad idea, unless he's an official sperm donor.

applecrunch, it really is selfish to contemplate bringing a child into the world in your circumstances. It's not always easy for a stable couple but you're not intending to be half of a couple.

At the moment you are feeling the need for another child; we all feel like that at various times but we just cannot always have what we want. Don't let your heart rule your head, please.

My dsis did this, she has 2 DC with the same father even though she knew after dc1 they would divorce.

I personally think it's better than all this blended family bollocks that just doesn't work. I have a friend who has 4 dc to 3 different men and it's very chaotic for her DC with 3 DC going to their DF and one who has no contact.

But I'm very much in the minority on this on MN.

‘I personally think it's better than all this blended family bollocks that just doesn't work’
Ha! I am very confident that someone who thinks it’s a good idea to have another child with an abusive partner (yes, he IS abusive - even if he’d hit you one single time, that is a physical assault, a criminal act, and abuse) will very likely have more children with other partners regardless of whether she goes ahead with the current plan.

I keep seeing everyone refer to him as an physically abusive man.

That because he is.

I could cope because I would make it happen. If you really want something you'll cope and manage in my opinion.

So you think parents that cant cope, don't because they didnt really want the kids. Or, all, didnt really want their divorce?

I am am a single parent to 2 kids. Older than yours.

Forgetting how awful it is to trick someone (yes its tricking if you are letting him believe the marriage is working), trying to split your attention on 2 children as well as managing a household alone, isnt easy.

There no guarantee your existing child will get on with a sibling. He may well resent the sibling for taking so much attention from him.

Lots of people dont get on with their siblings even as adults. They dont add anything to eachothers lives.

You are doing this solely for you. Not for your child. If you child was your primary concern, you would be getting out of this abusive and unhappy relationship. Kids know when there is tension and when their parents are unhappy.

You are keeping your child in a miserable situation, claiming you are doing it for him.

You arent. You are doing it for yourself. No one else.

I could cope because I would make it happen. If you really want something you'll cope and manage in my opinion

This is an extremely naive view, if I might say, and belies the fact you really do not have any idea. In addition it is a very immature outlook. Having children is a huge life changing decision, no matter how many you have already.

Many things can go wrong with pregnancies, with babies, with mothers, with children. A full spectrum. All out of your control. Coping is easy to do when you have one very healthy child. It is a very different scenario when you are ill/child is ill and other life challenges are taking over.

With respect op, you need to listen to others that have more than one child and have raised them alone. You don't simply cope because you really want something, life does not work like that. You sound young and a little rose tinted to the hard realities.

Give yourself two years. If things are going well, and you still feel this way then it would be fair to say you have considered it for long enough. Your dh needs to know your plans in full, and of course to agree to them, and a plan is needed if it all goes wrong.

I could cope because I would make it happen. If you really want something you'll cope and manage in my opinion.

Yes, usually at the expense of others who often have to change their life plans to accomodate your needs. Totally selfish attitude.

Oh my dear. Please do not go into something so problematic because you think future you can cope. Why give future you that burden? Protect future you and walk away now.

Sleeping with someone you do not wish to sleep with and you are having to force yourself risks you ending up traumatised.

And as someone else has said, what if your husband takes you to court for residency or 50:50 and that ends up adversarial?

What if your DC is born with additional needs?

It is such a bad idea.

"Who would lie about that?" People lie about all sorts of things. Even more on an anonymous forum. Abuse is not a magical thing no one can lie about. When things are as inconsistent as they've been, it can't be shocking some won't believe it.

Either you're dismissing his previous abuse - which you've used as the reason you no longer love him and why this plan has any merit - which means you need something like the Freedom Programme to get into a better headspace for any child - or you're lying and not happy that claiming he's abusive didn't change anyone's mind, but made people even more convinced this is a horrible idea.

I've seen no evidence that siblings are ideal. I think there are too many variables there. I think for everyone whose life was enriched, there are plenty more like me that felt incredibly lonely and were damaged by siblings. There are mountains of evidence that remaining in a violent environment is bad for kids even if they're not abused. Like others, I think someone who dismisses previous abuse and acts like an abusive person "will never harm the child" doesn't have their head on straight because just seeing domestic violence causes damage in children and far more often than not, the child will end up being abused. Talk to anyone whose first memories are their parents being violent, it has a big impact, far more than the lack of a full sibling.

OP is just coping the best you reallywant for your and you child/ren's future?

I think it's horrible that you would even consider doing this your poor second child If you go ahead with this plan

Its a bit wrong seeing as he will have to pay for it...

Its the most conniving thing you could do, and a bad reason to have a kid. That's the same reason as getting another dog. So they keep each other company and we know how that sometimes goes don't we.

A few incidents took place during arguments which resulted in slaps
Wow - your standards are low.
This IS physical abuse and you know it.
Do not allow this abusive prick to become the the father of 2 children.
At 27 you have plenty of time for more DC with the RIGHT person.
Just get out and find something better.
And please do the Freedom Programme run by Womens Aid.

So how are you going to financially support you and your two children? Let me guess. Maintenance? Well if so don't you think you should tell your husband so he is aware he will be paying maintenance for TWO children rather than one?

Sorry to be rude but you are a silly deluded woman for even considering this. Read this whole thread and use it as a reality check

Two children are not easier than one after divorce. That extra child makes massive cost differencesavings. Two lots of childcare when you go back to work. It's a nightmare unless you plan to go on benefits for years.

its Very easy on that first year to think “yeah I could do this with another, easy”.
And then toddlerhood comes and you sit down exhausted after a day with a cold or they’ve been particularly feisty, thinking “thank fuck I’ve only got one”.

You say your financially sorted, but what about school time? School holidays? They always seem off and it’s bloody expensive! Illness (a week for chicken pox), colds and flu, what if heaven forbid your new baby needs a lot of hospital support. Having a sibling doesn’t guarantee a lifetime friend or support. There’s so many what ifs and that’s before we throw in your abusive husband.

Nothing about this is a good idea.
If he’s that intent on abusing you, he WILL use the kids to do this further.