Decided to get pregnant before divorce

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So before you guys start judging me, I have been going back and forth in my mind about this for quite a while. So I've been married for nearly 2 years now and have a 7 month old DS, it's been extremely difficult in my marriage which resulted in us depressing for 5 months with no contact what's so ever.
Long story short we've reconciled due to family and have now decided to give it ago.
It's been a month now of us living back together and I can honestly say that I do not love him at all!! Now more than ever it's clear to me that he isn't the one that I'd want to spend the rest of my life with.
So I've decided to seek divorce but before having the chat with him I'd try to conceive as I want DS to have a sibling form the same father. I mean who knows how long I'd find another partner, I'd never want DS to grow up alone. Regardless I'll be a single mother anyway so 2 kids to me won't make that much of a difference.
I know that you guys must be thinking I'm crazy, but I'd rather get having kids out the way rather than meeting someone in 5 years time and having to constantly think about giving DS a sibling. The plus side is that they'll have each other. Has anyone been through this? Am I crazy for thinking like this ? There's no way that I'd want to spend the rest of my life with my husband so they're won't be another chance.
I need as much advice as I could get, I've been thinking about this Non stop.

I actually regretted marrying him within the first two weeks of marriage
So what you're saying is that you are CHOOSING to use him to provide and finance your lifestyle choice?
You are CHOOSING to trick him by DELIBERATELY omitting the truth about having already made up your mind about leaving him?
You are CHOOSING to inflict the endless bullshit that comes with this on innocent children?

Victims of abuse can turn into abusers too.
Sounds like you're one of them.

Savingspecs2019 you're actually going overboard by calling me an abuser.... really?
I kind of understand the points everyone's making and I appreciate everyone's opinion.

Ffs you should know you would be hung drawn and quartered by the MN jury as they all know best. Nobody knows what they would do in certain situations and even then often do the opposite of what we think we would do. A mile in shoes and all that. People come on here for advice. We can give advice and our opinion in a nice way. And for me being an only child was a very lonely existance.

Greenkit

I didn't have the right support system or the courage if I'm being honest.

Op think of the logistics if not the morality.

Two children will

• cost a fortune
• exhaust you
• will argue endlessly rather than provide cover for each other
• if you meet someone new he may want a child with you
• love parent is so hard esp with more than one
• no guarantees siblings will ever like each other
• who cares about children’s father being the same no one but you
• if there is a problem with dc it’s tough on your own

Don’t do it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Muzzyarker

I appreciate your honesty, and I would've liked to hear about people's experiences rather than opinions.
Would you say you would've been happier or it would've been easier having a sibling to experience life with?

Also, OP how long are you willing to wait? What if you don't fall pregnant right away? Will you try for a year? Two years? Three? By that age your DC1 will be very aware that your DH is no longer there, if you split now then you and your DH being apart will seem normal for him. What if DC1 blames DC2 for mummy and daddy splitting up?

You seem to have placed quite a bit of importance on children having the same father - why is that? Are you afraid of stigma of having children with different fathers?

Yes absolutely do it. You'll never regret it. You'll have a complete family, no more yearning for another and they'll have the same DD so no fear of bringing a stranger into your child's life with risk of stepDad abuse etc.

My ex-partner's wife did something similar to what you're suggesting, although he was the one who had faced instances of DV. Their relationship became incredibly fractious, resulting in him wanting her to terminate the child and getting depressive thoughts about hoping she'd have a miscarriage. The child became a power play from her side too. They split up, she kept the pregnancy, and he has never wanted or felt able to meet his son. Their existing daughter missed out on a lot of time with him, because he lost it for a bit. He drank heavily, and things got very bad for a long time.The impact on his daughter was massive. She lost her dad during the early years of her life, and has grown to resent her mother for that. Her mother's responses led his daughter to dislike her brother too. By the time I got together with him, things were bad enough between them that she came to live with us instead. While I'm not in touch with him anymore, I have heard things didn't get much better.

OP, is it worth the possible damage to your existing son? The best piece of advice I gave him was that you don't make relationship decisions based on the happiness of others. I hope you can take that on board.

This is a very bad idea. He might not have been abusive recently but he's an abusive man and having ANOTHER child with him, especially with the aim of leaving him whilst pregnant, is utterly reckless and foolish. Not to mention the likelihood that his abusive behaviour will affect your existing DC - having another deliberately with an abusive father is very selfish.
Secondly you will be at risk if you try to leave him whilst pregnant or with a young baby. Abusers become more dangerous around these times.
Thirdly if you don't think he'd agree to have a baby if he knew you planned to leave then you can't have a baby with him. That would be awful.
Fourthly your whole thinking about your DS needing a sibling or feeling pushed out etc is completely flawed and cannot be your priority.

And of course this is assuming you'll conceive quickly? Just because you've had one baby doesn't automatically mean you will fall pregnant again 🤷‍♀️.
Someone I know had a child and wanted another. They tried for 2 years and saved up for IVF

Urbanlife you've got a point. However I have a ton of family support, I work which mains I'm able to provide for my kids.
And in the future I wouldn't mind having kids with a new partner my issue is my son feeling left out when I do decide to have kids if he's an only child, however if I've got two at least they've got each other for support

Helacells I'm actually quite surprised that you're agreeing with me.

This second child is about money.. not about a second sibling.

If you dont love him you wouldnt want to carry another of his children.

All about money, your thread is translucent and looking for someone to tell you it's ok to do this. It's not.

You're cat fishing a poor man who if he agrees to a second child, or is happy if you do get pregnant, clearly loves you. You dont feel the same, you're using him for a child, to gain money and control, then leaving him. How utterly vile, selfish and pathetic.

I hope DP gets full custody somehow.

no I won't be tricking him into a baby I'll tell him that I'd want a baby ( he has mentioned that he wouldn't mind) however what he doesn't know is that eventually I will be leaving, I just don't know when the right time would be.
So tricking him.

When two people discuss expanding their family it is usually with the fairly obvious assumption that they are expanding their family unit, not discuss having a baby and having a baby in the knowledge that once someone has got what they want they'll leave.

OP
Unless you're going to sit down with DH and say 'this isn't working as a marriage but I would like DC to have a full sibling. How do you feel about having another child together when I'm planning to divorce you?' then you're out of order in my opinion.

It's true nobody forces a man to have a baby. But I would imagine anyone (male or female) would make different reproductive choices in a situation of 'nurture our relationship and expand our family' vs 'have another kid and get divorced'.

Well OP. Its an interesting one and you will divide responders here. I think to be fair and honest you need to give your H the whole picture - I want to divorce you and I want a baby. Because if you're not completely open and honest and then split it could lead to a very difficult relationship that will impact on your children. And remember that you will always have to have a relationship with him as the father of your children. For their sake and wellbeing. So you need to be really really clear about whether this man is a suitable parent to 2 children. You cant do much about the first one coming into the world, but be mindful of it for a second.

I also think you have rather rose tinted spectacles about marriage. With small children it is very tough - many parents feel disconnected and lacking connection. And no relationship will ever be the same now you are a mother. It has to be managed in between your parenting responsibilities - your children come first.

The other thing i would think about hard is your finances. Have you considered whether you will be able to afford to have two houses suitable for two children, childcare and all those costs of clothes and kit? You will be half as well off as you are now. Be prepared and think it through.

I have raised two DC practically on my own. My XH had them every other weekend and on holidays etc but I have done all of the planning, school, childcare sorting whilst working full time. Its not been easy. Babies become terrible twos, and then mardy teens.

If are you are fully honest with him and with yourself about what you're taking on then good luck to you.

You could take a year to get pregnant. That’s a year of having to have sex with him several times a month. It could have a terrible impact on your mental well-being x

Shocking idea. Plus no doubt you’ll also be claiming extra benefits to support this child. I can’t believe you think this is a good idea.

Good point raspberryk - and if your next partner wanted to have a child with you your planned 'extra' child would be, and would feel, even more 'in the way'. Best starting-point is to have a child with someone you want to be with, not your dishonest plan.

You chose to have a child with a man who is abusive and who you knew made a mistake in marrying. Do not do this to a 2nd child.

End your marriage.

OP you say that you can financially support 2 children without help from him, that you don't love him, he's been abusive and that you are forcing yourself to sleep with him which is causing you to become depressed.

Why then is staying until you are pregnant a good idea? Why not leave and use a sperm donor if you are financially self sufficient? What is the benefit of having a second child with this man?

No. Just no.

Back in March, OP. You said you had ended this relationship and was asking for advice on how to get out and about with baby without a stroller or car as you was using his.

Did you go back to him? Did you go back to him to purely have another child the leave again?

Hes done his wrongs, but hes a human being, you canr just uaw him as a sperm bank.

What if the role was reversed.. what if he got you pregnant and then left you straight after and expecting custody of said child? Youd be here writing a thread about how devastated you are.

Grow up. I'd you want another child, find someone to do it with, not against.