Decided to get pregnant before divorce

[applecrunch92]

So before you guys start judging me, I have been going back and forth in my mind about this for quite a while. So I've been married for nearly 2 years now and have a 7 month old DS, it's been extremely difficult in my marriage which resulted in us depressing for 5 months with no contact what's so ever.
Long story short we've reconciled due to family and have now decided to give it ago.
It's been a month now of us living back together and I can honestly say that I do not love him at all!! Now more than ever it's clear to me that he isn't the one that I'd want to spend the rest of my life with.
So I've decided to seek divorce but before having the chat with him I'd try to conceive as I want DS to have a sibling form the same father. I mean who knows how long I'd find another partner, I'd never want DS to grow up alone. Regardless I'll be a single mother anyway so 2 kids to me won't make that much of a difference.
I know that you guys must be thinking I'm crazy, but I'd rather get having kids out the way rather than meeting someone in 5 years time and having to constantly think about giving DS a sibling. The plus side is that they'll have each other. Has anyone been through this? Am I crazy for thinking like this ? There's no way that I'd want to spend the rest of my life with my husband so they're won't be another chance.
I need as much advice as I could get, I've been thinking about this Non stop.

A second baby won't fix the brokenness you're feeling about your relationship.

A second baby won't create the perfect family unit you want to compensate for your husband being an abuser.

He is still abusing you.

You're very deeply entrenched in his cycle of abuse, which is why you can't make sense of it all being abuse.

And why after he assaulted you your main concern was that he was angry at you for calling the police, rather than you being angry he hit you.

Healthy relationships look nothing like this. Nothing.

Let people help you break the cycle for yourself and the child you already have. Www.freedomprogramme.co.uk

There is absolutely nothing wrong with this BUT as long as you tell him your going to leave him and doesn't think you are going to be a happy family.

Yes.

A second baby won't fix the brokenness you're feeling about your relationship.

She doesn't want to fix it. OP wants to divorce him.

Two children from an abusive, violent father would be more complicated than two from different fathers.

She doesn't want to fix it. OP wants to divorce him.

Yes. Which is why I said it won't fix the brokenness she is feeling about the relationship, not that it won't fix the relationship itself. The latter is very obviously not in point.

You even quoted me, did you not read what you quoted?

On your post in April your DS was 7 months and in July your DS is still 7 months?

Oops ...

So rather than having one child on your own and being a decent parent you'd prefer to trick an abuser into providing a sibling and raising two children from an abuser? I think your priorities are fucked.

Choosing to have a baby with a man who you know is violent is irresponsible. Yabu.

Op in your original post you claim to need "as much advice as I can get".

Well you've been given a unanimous (or very nearly unanimous, I'm not quite 100% sure) YABU... yet all you do is defend your decision.

It's clear that you just want to plough ahead with your idea despite all the advice on here (that you asked for!) so why did you bother asking us in the first place?

This happens a lot on MN I've noticed!

Hmmm. I've been in your position OP, except my second pregnancy was an accident in the death throes of my marriage and I had to decide whether to continue with the pregnancy or not.

I did, reasoning that even if my marriage failed, DS would at least have a sibling and that would make it better for him. I've never regretted having DD (obviously) but both kids have had to live through a childhood scarred by the toxic relationship between their parents.

Seriously, what you are proposing is grossly selfish. I hope you fail to conceive.

@applecrunch92 Can I ask a few questions?

Do you plan to file for child support from him once you have the 2nd baby?

How sure are you that, if you do divorce, he will not want 50/50 custody of both children?

You seem to be living in a very odd bubble where you think everything will go your way. It won't.

You are being unbelievable selfish. Its not about what YOU want, it should be "what is best for the child I already have".

You are happy to use your abusive husband as a sperm donor without his knowledge that you will be divorcing and leaving him.

You are not thinking of the future for your current child and the one you want.

What would happen if you did conceive and then leave him and he finds out this was your plan all along? Do you think he would take this lying down, especially if he thought he was having another child with you as a family unit?

He would use this against you, most probably through the courts and rightly so.

What if he wants 50/50 custody? Are you going to deny him seeing his children? How? What evidence do you have to back up your claims of his abuse?

Or your 2nd child finds out what you did? Do you think they would think you were an amazing person? I doubt it.

Or your 1st child? They found out mummy just used daddy for another baby because they weren't enough child for you?

Have you told your family about this? Do you think they will back you if this gets out and they find out you just used your husband for his sperm?

Do you know your family will be supportive and will help you out or do you just "think" they will? Looking after 2 children is different from one child.

You seem very immature for 27 years old.

I agree with others, you need to seek professional help before you make any decisions or get pregnant again.

applecrunch92: You seem very immature for 27 years old.

You are not kidding! It's a ridiculous idea, selfish and unethical.

And you're right I don't want to get into a relationship knowing that I'd need to have baby no2

You do realise that you are not legally obliged to have another child don't you?

I am one of 5 siblings and we all love each other very much.

My husband and I had 1. An excellent decision we have never regretted. She is 10 now and we love the theatre (expensive, but doable for 1 - wouldn't be for 2), we have a good nest egg building up for her when she becomes an adult.

We have lots of time to dedicate to her.

She has loads of friends and is a confident, kind, friendly, well loved and well rounded child.

In comparison, my friend has 2 children, a couple of years age difference and ALL THEY DO IS FIGHT AND ARGUE. CONSTANTLY. It drives the parents bananas and they basically spend all of their time trying to keep them apart.

Because of what you've been through, your thinking might be out of whack, but this is seriously a very bad idea.

Just step back. Breathe. And really think about what you are proposing here.

I think it's better for your DS to be an only child rather than have a sibling created in this way.

Usually on here I try to be light-hearted, or to the point or sarcastic.
But honestly OP, your post has chilled me to the bone. I'm sorry he abused you. In all fairness, the sheer number of women (and possibly men) on here who have been abused is astonishing, so most of us completely understand what it's like to some degree.
However, what you're proposing is fucking evil. Let's be frank, you're trying to get every drop out of him that you can, whether that's sperm or money or both. You're setting a horrendous example for your child(ren). What sort of person does this? You're the lowest of the low and you should feel thoroughly ashamed. Thank god this is an anonymous forum and you're not saying this to a group of people in RL.
Use a sperm donor, at least they know what theyve signed up for.

Wasting your time people.

OP is only interested in sifting out the sympathetic posts and wants justification for her selfishness.

It's starting to read like Jackanory too..🙂

Op this thread is interesting from another POV. www.mumsnet.com/Talk/divorce_separation/3637415-Wife-21-weeks-pregnant-and-threatening-abortion

To anyone that's saying I'd be tricking him I wouldn't be, we've discussed the prospect of another child and he agreed.

Did you agree to conceive a second child and then get divorced? If not, then you are tricking him. Stop being deliberately obtuse.

The OP is being obtuse and is definitely unwilling to accept any viewpoint other than her own. Poor child (children).

"It was in love i was created and in love is how I hope I die"

• Paulo Nutini

OP, I don’t think you are thinking clearly about this. You frustrated that your life is not turning the way you envisaged (I mean, who wouldn’t be?) but I urge you to take a step back and have a rethink. I totally understand the strong wish to provide a full sibling (hate that term) for your DS but having another child with an abusive man is not the right thing to do here. It would be utterly selfish on your part. The child will most probably not have a relationship with the dad which will most likely lead to emotional/psychological issues. Have a rethink OP. I urge you.

On your post in April your DS was 7 months and in July your DS is still 7 months?

Aaaaand, to my point upthread this has to be a joke.

Don’t lie to yourself op you ARE tricking him.
You can paint it anyway you want, but you are.
He may have agreed to another baby, but as a couple.
How about you say to him that you want another child but you’re going to leave him after? No, thought not because you know he won’t agree.
What happens if in the future he tells child num2 this?

I'm sorry if this offends anyone that has an only child but, having a sibling does make life more enjoyable for your child. As many friends/ cousins they might have it will never fill the void of a sibling.

This is SO offensive to people with 1 child, and being an only child is not lonely.
I know people with siblings and without.
You could have two kids, but they could end up hating each other, not all siblings get on.

My friend was in a very similar situation 35years ago. She knew in her heart the relationship was never going to work and she wanted a sibling for her daughter.
She had the second baby and he left home the day she came home from hospital.
With help from her friends and family she’s raised two gorgeous girls. There was no contact from the husband until the girls turned 18. (No financial support etc etc )
My friend like you didn’t think she had much chance of meeting someone so soon. And she was right - she’s been happily single ever since. It was the right decision for her family. The father died a couple of years after making contact

On your post in April your DS was 7 months and in July your DS is still 7 months?

Lots of people change their childrens ages on here, I do it too sometimes so that I'm less recognisable.