Decided to get pregnant before divorce

[applecrunch92]

So before you guys start judging me, I have been going back and forth in my mind about this for quite a while. So I've been married for nearly 2 years now and have a 7 month old DS, it's been extremely difficult in my marriage which resulted in us depressing for 5 months with no contact what's so ever.
Long story short we've reconciled due to family and have now decided to give it ago.
It's been a month now of us living back together and I can honestly say that I do not love him at all!! Now more than ever it's clear to me that he isn't the one that I'd want to spend the rest of my life with.
So I've decided to seek divorce but before having the chat with him I'd try to conceive as I want DS to have a sibling form the same father. I mean who knows how long I'd find another partner, I'd never want DS to grow up alone. Regardless I'll be a single mother anyway so 2 kids to me won't make that much of a difference.
I know that you guys must be thinking I'm crazy, but I'd rather get having kids out the way rather than meeting someone in 5 years time and having to constantly think about giving DS a sibling. The plus side is that they'll have each other. Has anyone been through this? Am I crazy for thinking like this ? There's no way that I'd want to spend the rest of my life with my husband so they're won't be another chance.
I need as much advice as I could get, I've been thinking about this Non stop.

Me me me. I want. I don't want. You should be utterly ashamed of yourself

Forcing a consumer into existence on a dying planet to indulge yourself and burden it with an abuser for a father is so far beyond the realms of repugnant I don’t even have the words.

Op I’m glad you’ve said you’re going to have another think- you really do need to.

You are a unit, you and your dc. You need to make sure you and the baby you have are happy, healthy and safe. This plan will not end well whichever way you look at it. It’s obvious you know it’s wrong because otherwise you wouldn’t have started this thread- you would just do it.

You and your baby are worth more than this, do the right thing morally and emotionally. If you can’t stand your dh then make steps to leave but don’t add to your stress and pain by tricking him into creating another vulnerable person.

I think there are a lot of really thoughtlessly judgemental posts on this thread.

No it isn't ideal to marry and have children with a violent man, but the OP didn't choose this. She married a man, in good faith, who chose to be violent. That's on him, not on her. And now she has to decide what to do next.

by an old fashioned frame of moral reference, she should just stay with him and put up with his behaviour, no matter what it is; and subject any and all children to it, too. In the religion I come from, she wouldn't even be allowed to use contraception. I don't think anyone here is advising her to do this.

However there's a lot of magical thinking about love and stuff which is almost as silly.

• the lunatics who think that the thing to do is meet another man asap and have his child - FFS. I admire you, OP, for shelving the new man idea totally until such time as you are ready to enter into a new relationship for its own sake - hopefully making the right choice - and not chasing a man to get a sibling for your child.

• the people who think that the baby won't have a relationship with its father unless they live together. That's up to the dad. he can be whatever kind of co-parent he likes, and if he chooses not to bother, that's on him.

• the people who think that you are somehow conning a man into having a baby if you have unprotected sex with him and talk about having a baby.... no, he knows what is likely to happen and he knows he will be financially responsible for his children for their minor years, and so he should be.

• marriage is a contract and it is still valid even if you don't love each other. Love makes everything better, including marriage, but it isn't contractually enforceable. the OP is in a situation where there is no love in her marriage, but she's still married. so making her decisions on that basis is totally reasonable

the only thing I would say, OP, is that having 2 kids is harder than one and you should be prepared for that.

the only think

I actually admire you

Forcing a consumer into existence on a dying planet to indulge yourself and burden it with an abuser for a father is so far beyond the realms of repugnant I don’t even have the words.

Absolutely true.

No it isn't ideal to marry and have children with a violent man, but the OP didn't choose this

You’ve completely contradicted yourself.

To have a second child with this man, by choice, is 100% on the OP.

@SenselessUbiquity really...?

Did you miss the part where she said he'd have nothing to do with her or her son if they split?

Fucking hell don't encourage the woman

I give up.....I really do.

Hi joinus I'm soo glad that I've seen your comment amongst all the nasty comments.
This is exactly what I've been thinking .... and it's not like I've made the decision to do it but I'm in two minds and I'm finding it difficult to let go and move on or to get pregnant go through the 9months/ labour all by myself without any emotional support.
The wisest thing to do is of course to leave I mean atleast I am blessed with a child which I'm great full for.
I am 27 by the way.

Wow. How selfish. You are only 27. Time is definitely on your side. You have plenty of time to meet someone else and have a child with them that will grow up in the same house as their daddy.

Just stop 🤦🏻‍♀️

You are 27 and you are saying biology isn't on your side? That's an excuse and you know it. You have possibly 13-15 years to have another baby yet you want to have one NOW under false pretences to an abusive man. It's wrong. The whole thing is wrong

I think you need to speak to someone op regarding what you’ve gone through if you think this is a good option.
This is not ok, no matter what he’s done tricking your husband like this is horrendous ( and you are tricking him).
Being an only child is not a bad thing, it doesn’t mean he always will be.
You can move on and actually build a healthy relationship, one your children can actually role model.
Don’t waste your time on this.
You’ve got this perfect plan in your head, it does not always work out like that.

Use whatever number
I would've tried to conceive for 3 months tops then if it didn't happen I would've left.
If I did get pregnant I would've stayed until the baby was 1 year

Just have one child, it's not a disaster. One child you could probably afford comfortably on one wage ( I do), 2 quite difficult to finance on your own. You sound very self centered

OP
The major, and obvious, difference between you and joinus is they are in their 40s where biology is a REAL thing to consider.

In your situation it comes down to:
*I'm 27
*I don't like my marriage and want out
*I also want a baby
*I'll trick and mislead my DH so I can have the baby I want
*I can get a divorce

I've seen threads on here where a couple have split amicably and have children and then make a JOINT decision to have another child together knowing they are split. Nobody jumped on the poster because it all all honest and above board.

You're proposing some very selfish and deceitful actions and trying to use biology (which isn't an issue at 27 so I'm guessing what you mean is 'the age gap I want') to justify what you know deep down is an immoral decision and not fair on the children.

It's not nasty of people to point this out. It just happens to not be what you want to hear.

Wow! So... what if he loves you? and you’re about to make another child with him, to then take out of his life? That’s sick. That could break him.

If you want a sibling for your DS, find a new loving partner, who might want one of HIS with you.

If you are going to say i want another baby off you and then I am off so you will liable for 2 lots of child maintenance that is how you would be being honest with him. Anything less than that you aren't, whatever he has done in the past.

OP when you ask for opinions on such an emotive issue as this, you will always get a spectrum of replies.

However, hopefully the spectrum makes you see how serious the issue is.

Think to yourself if this was your sister/ best friend how would you advise her? How will you feel in a month? In a year? In ten years?

In ten years you could be happy and secure just you and your happy and healthy child with a Twonk that you never hear from, you could be happily married with more wanted children or you could be saddled with two or three ( could be twins if you went through with this) children who fight and argue and whom you only see half the week because the dh has got 50:50 custody.

As another point, the poster join is much other than you ( sorry join) so her circumstances are not the same in that sense.

Ok so you would have stayed until the baby was a year... giving even longer for your first child to live in misery?

You're a mockery to those who have suffered DV. You take this piss.

You take the piss*

Was too angry when I was typing!

If you plan on being a single mum, two children will mean you are paying out twice as much in childcare.... so it is an awfully big difference unless you have a fantastically well paid job. Wondering if you have considered this.

Senselessubiquity

You're comment is a breath of fresh air thank you for understanding and reasoning with me. I didn't choose an abuse partner, I didn't want my life to turn out like this. I'm trying to make the best out of my situation I don't say I was going to go through with it.
I'm pretty sure I'm joy the only one who's ever thought about this.
And you're right I don't want to get into a relationship knowing that I'd need to have baby no2. Even then, who knows I might never meet someone.
And if it didn't come to that I'd be happy raising my 2 kids alone as they'll have each other.
And to everyone saying your child does not need a sibling, in my opinion they do.
I come from a large family and without them life would be pretty dull.
I'm sorry if this offends anyone that has an only child but, having a sibling does make life more enjoyable for your child. As many friends/ cousins they might have it will never fill the void of a sibling.

Two kids will definitely make 'a difference'. Having two is exponentially harder than just having one. Apart from the fact you're essentially trying to trick your husband into being a spent donor, I certainly wouldn't go into 'motherhood of two children alone' as lightly as you seem to be doing.

I think you’re doubting the choice or you wouldn’t have posted on here. It’s really not a good idea, but you know that.