Decided to get pregnant before divorce

[applecrunch92]

So before you guys start judging me, I have been going back and forth in my mind about this for quite a while. So I've been married for nearly 2 years now and have a 7 month old DS, it's been extremely difficult in my marriage which resulted in us depressing for 5 months with no contact what's so ever.
Long story short we've reconciled due to family and have now decided to give it ago.
It's been a month now of us living back together and I can honestly say that I do not love him at all!! Now more than ever it's clear to me that he isn't the one that I'd want to spend the rest of my life with.
So I've decided to seek divorce but before having the chat with him I'd try to conceive as I want DS to have a sibling form the same father. I mean who knows how long I'd find another partner, I'd never want DS to grow up alone. Regardless I'll be a single mother anyway so 2 kids to me won't make that much of a difference.
I know that you guys must be thinking I'm crazy, but I'd rather get having kids out the way rather than meeting someone in 5 years time and having to constantly think about giving DS a sibling. The plus side is that they'll have each other. Has anyone been through this? Am I crazy for thinking like this ? There's no way that I'd want to spend the rest of my life with my husband so they're won't be another chance.
I need as much advice as I could get, I've been thinking about this Non stop.

I was going to say, depending on your age, go for it. If youre in your mid to late 30s. However if youre in your 20s, dont. Less need.

Then i read he is a physically abusive man and changed my mind. Find a better man.

So a mere 3 months later, they’re back together. Batshit nd batshit plan for a sibling. I can’t bear mine, what if they hate each other, OP?

This is a terrible situation to bring another child into. Your son won’t care if he has full/half siblings, he’ll care more about having had a good childhood and father figure. Rather than his mother staying with an abusive man just so she can get pregnant again and leave him!

*It might be ridiculous to you because you've never been in my shoes.
*
If you can't see for yourself that it's ridiculous then you need serious help. The fact that you've gone back to this man when it appears you had broken away from him is enough of a worry in itself. I feel sorry for your son.

However, as a father he is helpful and amazing.

he hasn't shown me any love or support. He baby sits and looks after the baby that's about it.

Which is it?

So you were struggling to look after one baby on your own and now you want another one? Riiiiight.

And your comments about only children and people who have them are deeply offensive and you think that people are being nasty to you? Yeah.

I have an only child (not through choice at the time) and I split with my h when he was ten. And you know what? I’m bloody glad now that I didn’t have more than one because being a single parent to one teenager is hard enough let alone two, or worse still, two babies. And when his dad had another child with his partner he was very upset by it, so don’t dare tell people that only children are lonely, most are perfectly happy being on their own, whereas all siblings fight growing up even if they end up having decent relationships at some point in life.

One other thing. Since me and my ex have split I have been diagnosed with a life limiting illness. I’m fortunate, my child is a teenager and I do have supportive family and a partner, and my h will step up to the plate if he has to. But what happens if your h trots off on his merry way, pays no maintenance and something happens to you? What happens to these children then? Foster care perhaps? Maybe not even together?

As for comparing this to a sperm donor, well, actually I don’t particularly agree with having children by donor sperm either, but the difference is that at least the adults in that situation are consenting and have both entered into agreements of their own free will.

when ever he wants to get intimate I think of a million excuses

Excellent .. think of a few more and with any luck, given how much you despise him, you'll be out of there before there's much chance of dragging an innocent child into this

Tbh i think youre a disgrace op you know it's wrong you're thinking of you're own selfish needs and wants not that of you're existing dc or future dc.

@Foxyloxy1plus1
The comment about only children is deeply offensive
Thank you.
My DP and I have one DD15. We chose to have just one for various reasons. One being my Mum passed away when DD was 2 and she helped with childcare. DD loves being an only child. She gets far more than her friends who have 1/2/3/4 siblings but she's not spoilt either. It just means if I treat her to something I haven't got to worry about buying xyz the same thing. I realise each to their own; many people want more children which is fine but my DD is perfectly happy, well rounded, has lots of friends and I don't have to put up with sibling rivalry - win win!

OP my parents split when I was 18 months and both went on to have more children with new partners. I had a wonderful childhood and always felt part of the family unit. You having another one with an abusive man will not enrich your sons life.

In fact I remember the days of it just being me and mum very fondly (not that I'd swap that for my brother!)

Looking at your previous thread he hit you when you were pregnant? He will do it again. I know you wont stay with him either way but why go through that hurt.

I've been a single parent since my son was 6, its bloody hard work. You have to be both mum & dad to your child, there is no one else to pick up the slack, nobody to take over if you are ill, that is for one child that sleeps at night. Add in a baby that may still need feeding at night, might not sleep, if you are working, two lots of nursery fees, if either child is ill you have to take time off work. Plus if you work full time you have to drop children off at nursery or childminders, then travel to work, reverse every evening, then shopping, cooking, cleaning. Everything is your responsibility, it's hard work with one, I wouldn't want to have to manage two on my own. Be happy with the child you have, end your marriage & move on. Don't go rushing to look for another relationship.

Most of what I want to say has been covered by pp but here are some points that crossed my mind while reading this thread.

You are lying, possibly to yourself more than anyone. He can’t be amazing dad at the same time as you being so sure he will leave you to it with 2 kids. He can’t have formed a pattern of abuse and less than 2 years later you are certain he will never abuse anybody again. If you believe all these things to be true you need medical help.

If you stay in a relationship that makes you miserable for 2 years for the sake of a second child your mental health will decline. You mention it’s not great just now, you want to be a single mum to 2 kids with crippling depression?

Also babies can be easy. It’s when you have a running screaming toddler that things get more stressful. They are exhausting and with a new baby you won’t have the benefit of a good nights sleep.

You are in denial.

Two kids are much harder than one. Things will get stressful and he will start being physically violent again. STOP thinking like this FFS

Jesus, why do some people have this obsession to curate the 'perfect' family with 2.4 kids
Please don't forget these babies/kids will grow up into adults and want to know about their early life and family. And to find out you were conceived by deceit and as a playmate for your siblings or to 'complete the set'

On your post in April your DS was 7 months and in July your DS is still 7 months?

@applecrunch92

“To anyone that's saying I'd be tricking him I wouldn't be, we've discussed the prospect of another child and he agreed. So it won't come as a surprise to him if I got pregnant.”

You’ve discussed having another child. You have not disclosed your PLAN to leave him after getting your second baby. Seriously, that’s despicable. It IS a trick. Go on, tell him you have NO ambitions to stay after having second baby... he won’t agree to that part.
Good grief!

To anyone that's saying I'd be tricking him I wouldn't be, we've discussed the prospect of another child and he agreed. So it won't come as a surprise to him if I got pregnant
You ARE tricking him.
He thinks you'd be having a baby together because you love him, value the relationship, you want to have sex with him, you want to build a future together, you want to develop your family unit together.

What you are planning is to lie back and think of England in order to con him into having a child only to say 'thanks a lot I've got your sperm and the baby I want and now I'm leaving and taking the children with me'.

The only way you are not being deceptive is if you are fully open and honest saying "DH I want a second baby but do not want to be in a relationship with you. I would like to have a second child together and a divorce. In these circumstances do you agree to have a child?"

Somehow I fear your selfish desire to have another baby is trumping genuine honesty and consent in your view.

My DP is an only child. I have four siblings. He had the better childhood, I have no contact with any of my siblings. You're building a fantasy that he would be close to his sibling, that they'd support each other. They may not. Plenty of people don't.

You're 27. I'm 29 and haven't had any kids at all yet. You have time, just as I do. You wouldn't be meeting someone to have a kid with them, you'd meet someone and then decide whether to have a family with them.

Have you considered that he may fight for shared residency? That you'd have two kids 50% or the time? That one or the other of the kids may choose to live full time with him when they're older?

Get him out of all of your lives. Your instincts are there for a reason.

Even ignoring the fact your husband is abusive and you’re planning on leaving him having a second baby so that your son is not alone is not a good reason to have a second child.

There are no guarantees that your son and another child will get on or have a good sibling relationship. You also have to consider that not all pregnancies/ births go smoothly and there’s always the risk of having a child with a disability or complex health needs. Two of my children are severely disabled, they take up a lot of my time so potentially leaving my other children feeling more alone as I can’t give them the same amount of attention. And that’s with DP to assist.

How would you cope with two children as a single parent if one of them is severely disabled? Without anyone to share the care how would you give time to your DS? And would you cope financially if you had to give up work to care for your child and attend all their medical appointments etc?

You would be foolish to have another baby with a physically abusive man, there are no guarantees another baby would make life better for your DS and there are so many ways it could make things miserable and more complicated for you both.

Selfish. Children don’t need siblings. My child is a only child. His father was an only child and his fraternal grandmother was an only child. They have been fine. Please have a child for the right reasons!

It is really awful that you are planning to use the man you are pretending to love in this way. He will be devastated, especially after the happy news of pregnancy and probably feeling hopeful about the future. Your plan is manipulative, cruel, and completely selfish.

I sympathise, although I am sure there are many people who will tell you "I was an only child and it has been wonderful!". Problem is, ethical issues aside, once you've had a massive dose of pregnancy hormones (assuming you conceive quickly) and are a new mum again and the younger one is starting to say "daddy...where's daddy?" you may well end up staying, trapping yourself and two innocents in a lifelong relationship with an abusive man. If you don't want to spend the rest of your life with someone the time to leave is right now.

What if your DH's intention to reconcile with you is to make you pregnant and then leave you once you give birth? That way he could have two children from the same mother.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with this BUT as long as you tell him your going to leave him and doesn't think you are going to be a happy family.
As for child support you can't say never you might be in a position where you would have to claim it off him.
Plenty of only children have happy full filing childhoods and I have friends who have step brother/ sisters and love them like they were full siblings .

No judging here. Go for it! Yes I understand. I have 2 ch same father and am glad. Also there's no pressure on me for another. It also makes future relationships less pressured. No need to bring further children in. It's just less messy. Do what's right for your life. It's tough being a woman already as it is.

I know women with children with different fathers. It can get messy and complicated.
nlt always sure, but sometimes. One sibling has a very generous father, one doesn't. One gets a holiday, the other doesn't. Managing 4 sets or more grandparents and managing expectations, jealousy and possible resentments and feelings of being left out. If you don't have to, then based on lived experience, I say don't.

I also do feel its just better to have 2 fully related siblings. I have half siblings and we are no whwere near as close as me and my sister from both parents. Others get on with their half siblings just as well but some do not. That's the hard truth. I would also consider your choice were I in your place.