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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Why is everything on his terms?

241 replies

KittyVolition · 13/07/2019 22:51

I’ve been seeing a guy for a couple of months and I’m really into him. We have lots in common, great rapport, there’s a chemistry between us, we make each other laugh, it’s all good.... except....

Everything always has to be on his terms. If I suggest meeting up he either says no or is a bit vague about it but then comes back with his own alternative suggestion a few days later. He seems to control our communications too. He’ll say something like, I’ll call you early next week and we can arrange that but then I feel like I can’t contact him in the meantime. Or if I do, I sense that he’s slightly irritated. I don’t really get it. It’s like he wants everything to be in his control and on his terms.

Has anyone been with anyone like this before? Is it just a minor irritation or do you think it’s a sign of bigger issues?

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 13/07/2019 22:55

It doesn't have to be

Youwantshoesinashoeshop · 13/07/2019 22:57

If your instinct is telling you something is off here, something is off here. Bin.

Original poster
KittyVolition · 13/07/2019 22:58

AnyFucker how can I change things around?

OP posts:
Original poster
KittyVolition · 13/07/2019 22:59

Youwantshoesinashoeshop, I don’t want to bin him. I really like him. We have an amazing time together. It’s just the arranging of things that’s difficult.

OP posts:
TheInebriati · 13/07/2019 22:59

He wants to be in control of every minor detail, he gets irritated when you make a suggestion. Massive red flag waving.

AnyFucker · 13/07/2019 23:02

You can't change him

You can only change yourself. So, two choices for you

  1. live your life according to him

  2. make your own choices and he stays or fucks off

It's up to you

Original poster
KittyVolition · 13/07/2019 23:02

TheInebriati so what is the danger here, that he’ll try to control other areas of my life?

OP posts:
TheInebriati · 13/07/2019 23:03

He's already controlling you with his irritation.

SausageEggAndSpam · 13/07/2019 23:04

It's a red flag, OP. That will be the least of the things he controls if you stay together long enough, and move in etc.

Original poster
KittyVolition · 13/07/2019 23:05

1) live your life according to him
Well so far I have liked everything that we have done and that he has suggested. But I don’t want to be controlled.

2) make your own choices and he stays or fucks off
How would this work when arranging dates? He says no to things that I suggest and then makes his own perfectly reasonable suggestions. It’s difficult to say no to them and still date him.

OP posts:
Original poster
KittyVolition · 13/07/2019 23:06

He's already controlling you with his irritation. Yes I think this is right.

OP posts:
Unburnished · 13/07/2019 23:12

Say no to his suggestions (make something up if you have to) and tell him you’ll get back to him with an alternative and see what his reaction is.

Youwantshoesinashoeshop · 13/07/2019 23:17

Absolutely play him at his own game.

You might get on brilliantly and have a lovely time together. I have a friend like this. Friend and not partner because he is similar in terms of being used to calling the shots and that is not for me.

Original poster
KittyVolition · 13/07/2019 23:18

I don’t think he’d like that!! I think if I did that he’d get stroppy with me.

OP posts:
Original poster
KittyVolition · 13/07/2019 23:19

His previous girlfriend is someone who I know and she is incredibly passive.

OP posts:
lifebegins50 · 13/07/2019 23:19

Say No to him and test his reaction.

I suspect you will see another side to him.

Original poster
KittyVolition · 13/07/2019 23:21

lifebegins50 do you suspect he’s a misogynist?

OP posts:
Rosielily · 13/07/2019 23:24

It’s difficult to say no to them and still date him.

Then say no to them and DON'T date him.

Original poster
KittyVolition · 13/07/2019 23:24

I can’t actually imagine saying no to him. I know that sounds bizarre. He hasn’t ever suggested anything that I haven’t wanted to do before.

OP posts:
Original poster
KittyVolition · 13/07/2019 23:26

I’m very attracted to him. I have never felt such a strong physical/sexual attraction to someone before. So I guess I’m reluctant to give that up, especially combined with having a great time with him chatting, etc.

OP posts:
Youwantshoesinashoeshop · 13/07/2019 23:33

Sexual attraction is great, of course, but If he is a controlling shit it will not last.

I really do understand though. I've been there with friend mentioned in my PP. I considered something physicsl with him as lots of chemisty... but.. no, because I dont want FWB and a bit of bossing on the side.

Hope you get it resolved.

toffeeapple123 · 13/07/2019 23:52

I dated someone like this. It was all about control - it's what abusers thrive on. Hope this isn't the case for you, OP. Red flags.

Doyoumind · 13/07/2019 23:55

Having been in an abusive relationship I'm saying this is a massive red flag. Don't ignore the evidence.

AtrociousCircumstance · 14/07/2019 00:00

Well he’s training you to be passive, just like he trained his ex, and you’re being a very good girl and doing everything he wants.

Carry on being that if you like but it would make me sick.

Sally2791 · 14/07/2019 01:07

Definitely red flag. He is training you. Do you really want to be trained?

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