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Original poster

Why is everything on his terms?

241 replies

KittyVolition · 13/07/2019 22:51

I’ve been seeing a guy for a couple of months and I’m really into him. We have lots in common, great rapport, there’s a chemistry between us, we make each other laugh, it’s all good.... except....

Everything always has to be on his terms. If I suggest meeting up he either says no or is a bit vague about it but then comes back with his own alternative suggestion a few days later. He seems to control our communications too. He’ll say something like, I’ll call you early next week and we can arrange that but then I feel like I can’t contact him in the meantime. Or if I do, I sense that he’s slightly irritated. I don’t really get it. It’s like he wants everything to be in his control and on his terms.

Has anyone been with anyone like this before? Is it just a minor irritation or do you think it’s a sign of bigger issues?

OP posts:
DorothyParkersCat · 14/07/2019 23:11

A couple of other things

  • Never once when I phoned him did he ever sound happy to hear from me. It was always him banging on about how incredibly busy he was and how important his work was. I ended up longing for the sort of warmth that is actual normal in a caring relationship and feeling like there was something really wrong with me.
  • He was the sort of man who didn't want to commit to any woman and had lots of women he was dating. I would unsurprised if your guy is dating other women. It's one of the reasons why contact is sporadic and you don't want to rock the boat. You probably fear he will just dump you if you do'nt do what he says.
  • The reason it feels also so special and like you get on is because he is playing the part of your ideal man. It's not real.
Original poster
KittyVolition · 14/07/2019 23:11

If I said to him that I feel like everything is always on his terms then I think he’d react like he has no idea what I’m talking about.

There was an occasion, sorry this probably counts as drip feeding but I have only just remembered it. I texted him and said something along the lines of is he sure that he wants to meet up because I’m aware that it tends to be me who texts first. He said that I need to perhaps adjust my expectations and that he looked at his phone bill and saw that by far most calls and texts are to me. So that just made me feel like I was being needy and pathetic. Then I didn’t contact him at all for a few days and he texted me with something chatty because I think he either took it on board or was afraid of losing me/my interest in him.

OP posts:
DorothyParkersCat · 14/07/2019 23:13

Would it? If I backed off a bit and was a bit more assertive would he improve or run off?

Depends. If you piss him off (cause him a narcisistic injury) or are too much hard work, he wonn't bother. If he figures you are still into him, he'll just hot and cold pop in and out of your life for a charming date and sex when he feels like it.

It will make you feel like absolute trash.

Original poster
KittyVolition · 14/07/2019 23:14

When I speak to my guy he usually makes me feel amazing. So it’s not all bad. 😱

OP posts:
Original poster
KittyVolition · 14/07/2019 23:15

I’m beginning to have doubts about the whole thing now. Arghhh!

OP posts:
timeisnotaline · 14/07/2019 23:18

If you really can’t imagine expressing a harmless personal preference then it is a bad relationship to be in. If he cared about you wouldn’t he care about your preferences too?

DorothyParkersCat · 14/07/2019 23:18

For example, we had a long text chat about which famous person I think he looks like and he was complimented and flattered but when we moved on to talking about it for me he suddenly had to go

Sounds about right. Google narcissistic supply (he likes you because you give him love, affection and attention). I'd also suggest you read about the narcissistic cycle of idealisation and devaluation.

If you are devalued it is usually a brutal dumping involving saying things to you that no human would normally say to another person they had any respect for. I hope this doesn't happen to you but at least if you know what is going on it won't be such a shock if it happens.

Bookworm4 · 14/07/2019 23:19

Beginning to have doubts?
Deary me it’s glaringly obvious how controlling he is, he decides everything even when he’ll reply/call you.
The fact you describe his ex as a ‘passive shell’ should make you run!
A few months in and he’s already got you where he wants you, another few and you won’t be questioning anything.
Dump him and run.

Bouledeneige · 14/07/2019 23:22

Yup - hes a narc.

Nat6999 · 14/07/2019 23:29

Red lights & sirens are going off when I read this. End this relationship before you end up getting harmed in any way either mentally or physically. This man is a control freak & probably seeing someone else as well as you. You can only see him when he wants to, you only do what he wants. Do you really know him properly? He could be married or in a relationship, what would happen if you turned up expectedly? I can probably guess that you have to wait for him to ring you, his excuse is that he is working or busy & can't take calls, he acts & tells you that everything he does is because he wants the best for you. It isn't, he will soon be telling you what to think & what to do, your thoughts & opinions will count for nothing, if you tell him you have doubts about your relationship, he will tell you that the doubts are all in your head, then he will start messing with your head. You don't need this, there are better people out there,

Honeyroar · 14/07/2019 23:50

"Would it? If I backed off a bit and was a bit more assertive would he improve or run off?"

Yes! And at least you'd know rather than be in this limbo.. Although if you're honest with yourself you probably should already know the answer. From your latest example, you have tried to mention it and he told you you needed to adjust your expectations (well, he's actually being totally honest here - you need to lower them!) and he made you feel silly and needy (so you don't feel confident enough to ask again). He knows exactly how to keep you dangling.. You're on here, creating this thread because you know..

Dieu · 14/07/2019 23:58

He's a control freak. Next time you meet, ask if you can make it half an hour earlier. If he says no, then dump!

MrJollyLivesNextDoor · 15/07/2019 00:06

He sounds just like my narcissistic ex. Run. Fast.

You are a couple of months in and oh my goodness what hard work already!

He's a control freak, you cannot and will not change him.

Find someone who wants to chat to you, that you can be spontaneous with, who wants to do things together, who cherishes and adores you.

Chilledout11 · 15/07/2019 08:36

I we would break things off with him. This is not good at all. Eventually it will break down your self worth and esteem.

Scorpiovenus · 15/07/2019 09:27

You need to switch the balance of power.

Original poster
KittyVolition · 15/07/2019 11:27

Scorpiovenus I want to. Any tips?

OP posts:
notacooldad · 15/07/2019 11:31

Scorpiovenus I want to. Any tips?
You've been given loads of tips!!
My top one would be to dump him and get your pride back I stead of waiting to dance to his tune. That's the most logical one!

timeisnotaline · 15/07/2019 11:38

You’ve been given tips. You’ve responded with oh I couldn’t possibly do that.

higgyhog · 15/07/2019 11:38

He sounds very like someone I was involved with who was controlling and narcissistic, it took some advice on here for me to see it.
If you have a minor tiff is it always your fault? I would wonder also if there is someone else involved with him.

Sunfull · 15/07/2019 11:41

With someone like this, it's highly unlikely you could switch any balance of power. He'd just up the ante to keep you where he wants you.

He's already figured out all he needs to do is make some offhand comments about texting and calling to make you feel silly for raising something. He's already told you to adjust your expectations. He's already realised it only takes an irritated tone to train you into going along with him.

If you start trying to 'shift the power' he'll just start telling you you are controlling him, smothering him, he's not sure how he feels about this anymore etc, etc - whatever it takes to get you back to agreeing with him all the time.

If you really want to put this to the test take a couple of weeks and decline his date ideas and times to talk - say they don't suit, etc, and come up with your own suggestions. See how he reacts to that.

But, honestly, why would you want to have to play those sorts of games with someone you have only been dating for a handful of weeks?

You say he makes you feel amazing but I'm betting that is only true when you are agreeing with him and going along with what he's decided should go. Because he's making you feel like crap when you try to have an equal say, isn't he?

TheInebriati · 15/07/2019 11:46

Any tips?
What outcome do you want?

Be as clear as you can because you haven't been able to accept anything thats been said so far.

75Renarde · 15/07/2019 11:50

Your post is unusual OP for its subtlety. Quite rare on here. Here are big black flags

1 - The broken ex. Badly broken

2 - Very subtle absent silent treatments

3 - your general confusion

4 - Using the possessive 'My'

5 - Great sex which has been lacking before for you

I can also tell you are highly sensitive and an empath.

How long has it been? He's already inside your head. The Arts are tests btw

He us a narc. He

75Renarde · 15/07/2019 11:52

Sorry garbled last bit there!!

He's a narc. Very intelligent. Get Out immediately

whirlwinds · 15/07/2019 11:56

Had a x that hated the fact that I refused to jump to his demands, yet he still managed to get through in the end and almost broke me. It is terrible and it is abusive. Get out now for your own sake.

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