Why is everything on his terms?

[KittyVolition]

I’ve been seeing a guy for a couple of months and I’m really into him. We have lots in common, great rapport, there’s a chemistry between us, we make each other laugh, it’s all good.... except....

Everything always has to be on his terms. If I suggest meeting up he either says no or is a bit vague about it but then comes back with his own alternative suggestion a few days later. He seems to control our communications too. He’ll say something like, I’ll call you early next week and we can arrange that but then I feel like I can’t contact him in the meantime. Or if I do, I sense that he’s slightly irritated. I don’t really get it. It’s like he wants everything to be in his control and on his terms.

Has anyone been with anyone like this before? Is it just a minor irritation or do you think it’s a sign of bigger issues?

I agree, they are incapable of love in the true sense because they lack empathy so yes, this applies to pets, children, parents, siblings, friends and partners. They are very good at ACTING like they can love though. Everyone around them is simply a source of supply and are not seen as separate beings with feelings and needs. That's why he cannot tolerate you saying no, in his mind your needs are irrelevant and whatever you do, it has to be about his gain. He also sees everyone else as inferior to him, which is why he was incandescent with rage when you dared to take another friends advice over his.

My exH is a narc (very likely a sociopath/psychopath too) and he was abusive to our DC. Always dodged any responsibility financially and physically and used them as pawns to punish me for leaving so no, he did not love them in the way a parent should love a child (I.e prioritise the childs needs over their own). To the outside world though he played the Disney dad act but it was all to make himself look good and never about what his children needed. Having children with a narc is the most soul destroying thing you can ever do. It's bad enough when you are being abused but to see your children go through that pain is unbearable. Luckily we are no contact now. It's the only way to deal with them which is why I'm saying get out now before it's too late. Block him on everything and never ever let him back in, not even for a 5 minute chat on the phone. These men are master manipulators and it's easy to get sucked back in. I wasted 6 years in a marriage that nearly pushed me to suicide it was so toxic. Please do not make the same mistake

COULD he be seeing someone else too and working it around you? i'd be seeing red flags if that were my guy. what a POS.

PrawnoftheShed

Amen to that.

I find it hard even to post on a thread where OP is so besotted - she posts a problems in her relationship, then acts as the judge. Stop this, you ask for help, try to listen!

Good grief, all these posts about HIM, what HE is and what makes HIM tick. He may well be a narcissist, we can't tell on the internet but he is not a very subtle or clever one if he is because it has only been 2 months and it is already really rather shit, isn't it? And yet you are acting as if his dick is made of gold.

OP, YOU are also displaying strange flags. There is something 'off' about your posts, a certain lack of common sense and a certain obsessive and helpless quality. A particular 'I can't help myself at all 'cos I lurve him' note.

So, OP - have you ever been in a normal, mutually respectful relationship as an adult? What do you understand about relationships?

What about your childhood - did you have parents who loved you and supported you? Did you feel empowered and good about yourself when you were growing up? Do you value yourself or are you not-so-secretly craving to be with someone who will tell you who or what to be, because no-one encouraged you to be yourself when you were growing up?

You REALLY need to do the Freedom Program first and foremost before you enter into any relationship. If you can dig down in yourself and find the need, then I would also suggest that you try to find an analyst or therapist as well. OP, seriously, you are very, very vulnerable.

And yes, it is perfectly true that even people with good strong boundaries can be utterly destroyed by a narcissist, but whatever is going on here is not because he is all powerful.

He said he'd be in touch on Thursday or Friday to arrange the Saturday date. I'm assuming he didn't yesterday, and today is Friday and you are still waiting......

Enjoy the crumbs he's throwing you OP

Sounds harsh? Why waste your time with someone who doesn't adore you?

I was wondering if he had been in contact yet about Saturday too.

if he is controlling you now and making you over think everything you do and say imagine how awful this will be in 20 years time.
You are enjoying the things you do now but what happens when he suggests something you don't want to do like group sex. Are you just going to go along with it?

preach! I🙏

and this one

Great videos jaffa

I am sorry to say that he is either has a long term girlfriend/wife somewhere or he has several girls on the go at the same time. Don’t let him be a player just ignore him and move on, give him a complex or better yet if you have had a physical relationship say he wasn’t very good and your not interested anymore. You deserve better.

Narcs need adoration/attention or "supply" so they are often have pets because their needs are not vocal and the narc is in control.

Same with small children, Ex was great in the early days because I did the grunt work, he was in control and children can be adoring so a source of supply. Running to see Daddy when he came home from work lit up Ex (which at the time I thought was lovely) however he did not cope when our DC went "off script" and had their own opinions and views. He felt rage if they gave him a brief acknowledgement when he came home from work. Since separation the behaviour is more obvious to the dcs. If he meets their needs (such as making dinner) he expects gratitude and adoration in return. He controls through silent treatment, anger or a threat of anger (a narc stare) that is very intimidating. He will take them to activities or get them involved in sports because that reflects well on him. If they do his bidding he is lovely in return.
Narcs are often experts at humble bragging so that is a sign to watch for. Ex felt too good to be true (and of course he was) but he kept up the act for several years until I was commited financially.

Jaffacakes, you have been so brave and sharing your story will help others. So many dysfunctional relationships are caused by undiagnosed (and especially covert) NPD but I was unaware of it until after the marriage ended.I naively ended the marriage and caused him such a narcisstic injury so he became very magnilant and vindictive, which seems to have happened with your Ex as well.

Similar what a previous poster said about people being like a new lamp to a narcisisst this explains why the hoover (getting in touch after a few months) and the rota of sex partneres is so commmon for people with narcissistic personality disorder

www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/understanding-narcissism/201705/4-reasons-why-narcissists-often-recycle-their-partners

People are interchangeable.

Narcissists often see people, even those whom they profess to love, as interchangeable. As one beautiful narcissistic woman once told me, “If he doesn’t give me what I want, I can always find another who will.”

Another man told me very frankly that “people are like hamburgers or tissues to me. I need them for what they can do for me. Most of what people call 'love,' I see as convenience.”

Who wants to be a hamburger or a tissue?