Why is everything on his terms?

[KittyVolition]

I’ve been seeing a guy for a couple of months and I’m really into him. We have lots in common, great rapport, there’s a chemistry between us, we make each other laugh, it’s all good.... except....

Everything always has to be on his terms. If I suggest meeting up he either says no or is a bit vague about it but then comes back with his own alternative suggestion a few days later. He seems to control our communications too. He’ll say something like, I’ll call you early next week and we can arrange that but then I feel like I can’t contact him in the meantime. Or if I do, I sense that he’s slightly irritated. I don’t really get it. It’s like he wants everything to be in his control and on his terms.

Has anyone been with anyone like this before? Is it just a minor irritation or do you think it’s a sign of bigger issues?

Have you ever thought you might be the OW? He doesn't reply when you text and he controls your dates.

It's all in his terms, because you allow it to be. Controlling ppl choose their victims.

I can see the imbalance in this relationship already. You're clearly more invested than he is.

He who cares the least in a relationship holds the most power

I think you're going out with my ex. (Unlikely but my point stands).
He suggested things over my choices all the time. They were perfectly enjoyable but I was left with a lingering feeling that he always had to drive our relationship or he'd be put out.

This ended up extending to our living situation and finances.

Ten years down the line he left me and I am less of a person than I was.

He says he feels the balance of power shifted and he doesn't know how.
No shit Sherlock.

I have no sense of self worth any more and feel like I couldn't risk another relationship.

My abusive ex was exactly the same, the abuse only got worse. Yes, this is controlling and abusive. My ex started off like this and eventually he was trying to control every aspect of my life. RUN.

SandyY2K there’s definitely no one else but you’re right. I feel like I’m more interested than he is. I think I need to take a step back for a while. Friends generally describe me as a nice person, perhaps he selected me because of that.

EverybodysTalkingAtMe it does sound like him. I’m so sorry your ex had such an effect on you. Thanks for the warning.

If you didn't know his ex before and she's a shell of a person then, yes, going by his behaviour it is likely that his behaviour has made her this way. It is common for abused women to be "broken" when the abuser is done with them.

He's currently training you into the same abuse. Like a boiled frog, little by little, he will ramp up the intensity.

I also think it's likely that you are so attracted to him because he is mirroring yourself to you. Classic abuser tactic, results in powerful bond and unwillingness of victim to detach from such a "perfect match".

Get out whilst you still mentally can.
Don't get pregnant.

Friends generally describe me as a nice person, perhaps he selected me because of that.

He took that information and profiled you as forgiving and willing to put up with bad behaviour, yes. That willingness to forgive gives him extra time to tramatise and train you enough that you are not longer psychologically able to leave.

My ex was like this. Everything on his terms every week. Never really any deviation from that but always things I enjoyed. To be fair to him he was not abusive or controlling in any way to me. I guess he ‘compartmentalised’ his life if that makes sense, kids, relationship, work, sport etc. It could be frustrating now and again, especially if I wanted him to come to an event that didn’t fit in with his plan, but he’d usually come if I insisted.
Our relationship ended badly because he turned into a massive prick, not because of this

At the very least I reckon a frank conversation is in order, such as : " I've noticed that you make all the decisions about where we are going and when we communicate. That's not working for me. I want a more equal relationship" and see what he says.

Or, cut to the chase and finish it, as he is unlikely to change (I was in a relationship with a man like this for 4 years. He never changed!)

Have you tried saying very straightforwardly, ‘no, you need to compromise; it’s my turn to pick.’ Call it out very simply and see what his response is. That will tell you everything.

I am suggesting this as I only started to stand up and say this towards the end of a 20-year relationship (15 year marriage). For the duration of the marriage, it was always his ideas that were the best and if I ever did something clever/useful/successful, it was overly lauded as if I were a small child who had unwittingly moved a chess piece to a winning position (more )

It started with his ‘my idea is better’ and over a very long time became ‘you should wear what I bought you, you should change your hair, and you should change all the mirrors and picture hangings so they please my 6’4” eyes.’

You could try the MN classic line if ' no, that doesnt work for me' and see what happens.

Why are his ideas better? He’s not even trying out any of your suggestions is he? Your suggested events could be just as enjoyable. He sounds very controlling. Life with a guy like that is a nightmare. Trust me. Immovable object and impossible to please unless it’s all on his terms plus can never be criticised. I’d say don’t get in any further or you’ll end up a shell of your former self. Men like that rarely change. Dogmatic and full of self importance. Often hiding a fragile ego though so will lash out if they feel the tiniest bit criticised. If I was you I’d find something you really want to do. For example, day at the beach or picnic in the park. Text him and say you’d really fancy this and would he like to come along as your next date day out. If he again suggests something different then message and say “hey what’s up with this? You never jump on board with any of my suggested dates? We’ve done your plans everytime. I’d like to go to the beach this time. You up for it?” Then if he won’t bend/try you’re really honestly best to cut it. Text and say “ah sorry you won’t try my plan. Shame. I’m not really into a relationship that’s 100% on the guys terms. Not my cup of tea. No drama and no bad feelings but I don’t want to carry on dating. See you around. Best wishes”

I was in a relationship like that. He was super charming and incredibly chatty over text but I learned that if I started a conversation he would be abrupt or just not reply. It's all well and good until you a. develop feelings and b. have tough times. You will find he is even less likely to respond. It really fucking hurts and you feel really lonely. It sounds so petty but it IS a big deal and I would walk if a similar thing happened.

Wow, he is already invalidating you by going silent. Why would you settle for a man who won't text you a response unless it's on his timetable and then you go running for great sex. The great sex could stop at anytime and what would you be left with??

He is definitely showing you who is boss. The reality is that these guys later veto every aspect of your life

• what to have for a take away, he decides
• where to go on holiday, he decides
• what colour to paint the hallway, he decides
• have friends around, he decides.

True strength in a man is never controlling.If they have a good sense of who they are they don't feel threatened.

OP,

You have two choices.

A. Finish with him.

B. Call him out on controlling all decisions.

If you don't do the B it's because you are afraid to.

Is that really what you want for your future.

Good sex is simply not worth that IMO.

Think hard about what you want.

PicsInRed you make a lot of good points.

Regarding the mirroring, that is exactly right. I do feel like I have met my soulmate or twin. We like all the same stuff but many of those things he has mentioned first so it might not be deliberate on his part.

Regarding the ex-girlfriend, I met her at a couple of parties of mutual friends. She seemed very passive but more strange than that, it was like she was disempowered and had to be told to do everything. I had thought it was just her being a useless girlfriend but maybe this was the effect he had on her.

I do feel like the boiled frog.

He took that information and profiled you as forgiving and willing to put up with bad behaviour, yes. That willingness to forgive gives him extra time to tramatise and train you enough that you are not longer psychologically able to leave.

When we were just friends he kept on saying that I’m too nice.

This selection and profiling is presumably subconscious on his part. I don’t think he’s a psychopath.

Some good ideas as to how I can raise this with him. Thanks.

How would this work when arranging dates? He says no to things that I suggest and then makes his own perfectly reasonable suggestions. It’s difficult to say no to them and still date him.
You suggest something, he suggests something else, you say I do like that but this weekend I really feel like doing x (what you suggested.)
Him - I’ll call you Thursday. You - that’s ages away and I’m going to the gym after work, I’ll call you Tuesday.

I remembered something else that happened when we were just friends. I was having a complicated problem at work and he was coaching me (outside of work) in how he thought I should deal with it. He was devoting lots of time and mental energy into supporting me but was adamant that his solution was the only way.

Then I confided in a female colleague who had a completely different perspective on the situation. I was telling my male friend (now boyfriend) what she had advised. I thought he’d be interested to hear this alternative perspective but he was really, really outraged. He didn’t shout but was almost incandescent about it and could well have been shaking. He said he was worried that I was going to listen to this other colleague and not him. He referred back to our hours of conversation about it. I did find it a bit odd at the time but wrote it off as one of his quirks but now it has occurred to me that it’s possibly quite relevant. What do you think?

I don’t think I have ever said no to him. Maybe that was the closest time even though I didn’t take her advice in the end (and the work problem continues).

timeisnotaline I really can’t imagine how he would react to me saying that.

I hate to say it, but he's got you hook, line and sinker already. You say you don't want to be controlled, but you're scared of his reaction if you say no to something, you think he won't agree to anything unless on his terms, you're kind of worried that it would fizzle out if you don't do everything his way. You let him ignore you for days, then trot over when he picks up the reins again. This is not a good or healthy relationship, no matter how good the sex makes you feel. You really don't have the great rapport you think you have. Stand up for yourself. If he doesn't make any effort to put himself out for you or gets irritated with you ringing on a non designated night then he's really not worth your effort, surely?

I think part of the attraction is that previous boyfriends have not always been that manly and the sex hasn’t been great but with him I feel really attracted to him and like how he makes me feel. But I suppose the flip side of that is that he’s dominant and therefore controlling

This + your point about the level of sexual attraction (but he's not that good looking) makes me think that @PicsInRed is right.

I dated someone like this and he was a narcissist. His skill was reading me to work out what I wanted and mirroring it back to me. If you wanted a kind man who was soft and cuddled kittens that is what he would be.

The fact he is always controlling the meeting and contact with you is basically a symbol of his attitude which is my way or the highway.

Over time this starts to eat away at your self esteem
-why doesn't he want to see me?
-why does he never want to share things I enjoy with him?

• why doesn't he ever call me to just see how I am?

which ends up with you feeling

• why doesn't he care about me?

The answer is he doesn't care about you because he is incapable of caring about you. He only cares about himself.

This:
I can’t actually imagine saying no to him. I know that sounds bizarre.

suggests to me that on some level you know this. You can't imagine saying no to him because you are scared of him and how he will react. You may not properly realise this fully.

I would bet everything I own on this man being a narcissist. My relationship like this nearly destroyed me because it takes such a toll on your self esteem.

You really should walk away from this before you get more emotionally involved if you can.

Thanks. It has really affected my self esteem already. I feel like he takes all of the time but it’s really so subtle that it’s barely perceptible. For example, we had a long text chat about which famous person I think he looks like and he was complimented and flattered but when we moved on to talking about it for me he suddenly had to go. I felt too ashamed to ask again later as I didn’t want to beg for a compliment.

I’m beginning to see everything a lot more clearly now. Thanks.

you're kind of worried that it would fizzle out if you don't do everything his way. Exactly this.

Would it? If I backed off a bit and was a bit more assertive would he improve or run off?