Why is everything on his terms?

[KittyVolition]

I’ve been seeing a guy for a couple of months and I’m really into him. We have lots in common, great rapport, there’s a chemistry between us, we make each other laugh, it’s all good.... except....

Everything always has to be on his terms. If I suggest meeting up he either says no or is a bit vague about it but then comes back with his own alternative suggestion a few days later. He seems to control our communications too. He’ll say something like, I’ll call you early next week and we can arrange that but then I feel like I can’t contact him in the meantime. Or if I do, I sense that he’s slightly irritated. I don’t really get it. It’s like he wants everything to be in his control and on his terms.

Has anyone been with anyone like this before? Is it just a minor irritation or do you think it’s a sign of bigger issues?

Because you are letting everything happen on his terms.

Did you ever watch Happy Valley? Your comment about being attracted to him reminds me of the police officer saying to the woman who aided/abetted a criminal “is it because he’s pretty?”

He is really good looking isn't he? I have dated men like that, they are lovely in many ways but it's always on their terms. If you don't do as you are told you get punished by them being grumpy. You end up living their life not your own, and always worrying about pleasing them.
As others have suggested see what happens if you don't do as you are told.
Is this how you want your life to be? Or would you rather meet someone who will compromise and not play games?
I knew I had met the one when I felt I could send him a text when I wanted to, I didn't have to worry about being ignored or waiting for him to text first.

Did his Ex start out being passive or did she get that way by being in relationship with a controlling man?

If he’s like this in the early stages, imagine what he will be like later on. This is your opportunity to get out relatively unscathed but given all the concessions you’re already making, it’s unlikely to stay that way for much longer.

You’ve been warned.

Just say 'no. I get to decide where we are going for once' watch his reaction. When he says 'ill call you next week' let him call but don't answer. Wait a few days and say you were busy. He could just be so used to being in charge he doesn't know he does it. So bring it to his attention and see how he reacts

Try saying no to his next plan. See how he reacts. You already think he won't like it, see what happens. A normal person would be fine with it.

Call him/text him when you feel like it.

Test him out.

Can’t add anything other than totally agree with everyone else!

Do not be blinded by physical attraction as that is often why we overlook obvious red flags. Often abusive men appear very attractive as they outwardly focus on their appearance and make very good first impressions. They can also be chameleons so you think you have met your soul mate.

It is really important that you say No - early and often - so suggest something and don't accept him overriding your suggestion, even if you think it's an acceptable compromise. If he wants a mutually beneficial relationship then he will have no issue accepting your proposal. If he genuinely isn't keen he will happily explain why.

However if he is power orientated then a No will be received poorly by him. He will either directly confront you or do it covertly, such as lack of contact or reduced affection. Power orientated men are usually very weak inside so long term they make very poor partners/husbands/fathers.

Too many of us have slept walked into an abusive relationship. Often it's due to naivety and not trusting our instincts. You are triggered enough to post on a forum so take that as a very strong sign of your instincts warning you.

Abusive men go for strong independent women so never assume you can "manage" them as after a few years you will be a shadow of yourself.

If he seems to want contact only on his terms and then seem irritated when you contact him outside of those terms...are you sure he’s not seeing someone else? Personally, I would see this as a red flag and would not try to “change” it round.

Totally agree with lifebegins.

Don’t end up as a shadow of yourself as imagine years and years of analysing behaviours like this? If it’s happening this early in imagine later down the line.

It’s difficult to say no to them and still date him
It's not difficult for him though, is it. He thinks that's a perfectly reasonable thing to do. So why would he mind if he's not controlling? You know this is off

He's training you to do exactly what he wants all the time but you're not a puppy so don't put up with it

It shouldn't be this hard 2 months in and I can see red flags over the shop. I'd be telling him to get fucked, personally.

TheInebriati so what is the danger here, that he’ll try to control other areas of my life?
Come on, think for yourself.

TheInebriati so what is the danger here, that he’ll try to control other areas of my life?

Cone in!! Think for yourself and tell us what you see.
His arrangements only, a passive ex, you already knowing he won't like something if you say no to him.
You don't need special powers to see the future. The clues are there. It's up to you to use them wisely.

Thanks everyone. I do wonder what his ex was like when they met and whether he turned her into the passive shell that she appeared to be when I knew her.

You’re right. I need to accept these as red flags.

He’s not very good looking as a previous poster suggested. I think he’s gorgeous but objectively he’s not conventionally attractive.

I suppose I have found myself changing a bit around him and I sense his disapproval over things.

I think part of the attraction is that previous boyfriends have not always been that manly and the sex hasn’t been great but with him I feel really attracted to him and like how he makes me feel. But I suppose the flip side of that is that he’s dominant and therefore controlling.

I do text him when I want to but then he won’t reply. For example, he messaged me on Wednesday to arrange to meet up at the end of next week. He said he’d call me on Monday to finalise details. I texted him on Friday about something and he completely ignored it. I think because he wants to wait until Monday. I feel sad and foolish about being ignored. I know he’s busy but not that busy.

I’ve experienced this! He was a narcissist

There are men who are great in bed and not dicks you know

Throw this one back and find one of them

If he was actually interested in you as an equal he would respond and you’d be able to make decisions.

Do you want a relationship with someone who clearly views himself as your superior? I sure as hell wouldn’t.

You asked, "Why is everything on his terms?"
Bottom line is, because you're letting it.
Take back control. It may mean cutting off your nose to spite your face a few times, but this is vital in order to test out whether this one is worth pursuing. From what you've posted, I suspect it's not.

If you want to stay withths guy then you need to start pushing back a bit. Don't be so available, say that doesn't work for me when he makes a counter suggestion to yours and then agree. Yes, it is a bit of game playing, not being authentic but he is relying on you being accomodating, see what happens when you aren't. If he is grumpy or you feel some trepidation about it then he really is not a guy you wnat to be with long term.

Personally I couldn't hack it.

The more this goes on you will become unsure of yourself and start to lose Kitty Volition.
If you want to stay with him you must stand up to him square on.

I wouldn’t bother testing because he will go along with you for a while and then switch back

Just get rid
Also high chance he’s married with those set timings.

He’s definitely not married. I have known him for many years as friends before this.

Friend of a friend.