Why is everything on his terms?

[KittyVolition]

I’ve been seeing a guy for a couple of months and I’m really into him. We have lots in common, great rapport, there’s a chemistry between us, we make each other laugh, it’s all good.... except....

Everything always has to be on his terms. If I suggest meeting up he either says no or is a bit vague about it but then comes back with his own alternative suggestion a few days later. He seems to control our communications too. He’ll say something like, I’ll call you early next week and we can arrange that but then I feel like I can’t contact him in the meantime. Or if I do, I sense that he’s slightly irritated. I don’t really get it. It’s like he wants everything to be in his control and on his terms.

Has anyone been with anyone like this before? Is it just a minor irritation or do you think it’s a sign of bigger issues?

Interesting that you don't feel him being an insecure, selfish misogynist is already a problem in the relationship, but you are worried about causing a problem in the relationship by saying no.

But there are things you SHOULD have been saying no to and putting your foot down about. You've just not felt confident enough to. I think you're papering over the cracks a bit. You need to start pushing for normality - ringing when you like, rather at dictated times/days. Arranging dates to suit you, not him. His reaction will show you the truth, probably what you're dreading, but it's better to know...

My gut reaction is telling me that he’s not a narcissist but that he’s an insecure, selfish, misogynistic and possibly manipulative person.

From what you've written he is definitely manipulative - no possibly about it.

Even if those of us who suspect this may be an NPD sufferer (and no one can diagnose anyone over the internet even first hand!) are wrong, that's quite a list you've written there.

If he is NPD, there is a fair chance it's too late already and you are suckered into thinking there is hope, you are perfect together and with the love of the right woman (you) he can change.

Given your list of his fairly mighty failings including misogyny, what is your plan OP?

You originally asked about dating/contact being on his terms - during the period of this posting has it been any different? Have you spoke to him about it?

I haven’t heard from him at all since last week. The last contact we had was a text from me that he ignored. He’s supposed to be calling me early this week to arrange things but I didn’t hear from him today.

I don’t really want to meet him at the moment. I’m certainly not going to contact him.

I know that I should put an end to things as I’m getting less and less out of it. I will decide how I feel when I see him next with new eyes.

If we do stay together then A LOT needs to change.

I suspect that he’s insecure because it would explain a lot.
He made some remarks a long time ago which made me suspect he might be a misogynist.
I haven’t seen him do anything selfish. In fact he likes to think of himself as the opposite of that but he once told me that his flaws include being selfish sometimes.

I'm not saying whether or not he is a true narcissist and in many ways it doesn't matter, but don't make the mistake of thinking a sensitive "wounded soul" can't be one. They often are, or portray themselves this way, and certainly are very insecure deep down.

The website www.baggagereclaim.co.uk might be helpful to you OP.

Block him, ghost him, move on.

Meh. Out. Time wasted. Lesson learned.

75Renarde
Yes, i'm an empath

You described thinking his ex as a useless girlfriend at one point. That's odd. Like he didn't meet his standards. Never mind what label you put him under the fact is this-if you are worried about his reactions to things you might say then you aren't being yourself.Thats because he's controlling you and it's slowly crept up on you. If you want to be you then dump him. Or your true self will ebb away bit by bit. Then you'll be looking the way his ex looked-a ghost if your former self. This might sound dramatic but it's true. Ask yr rl friends what they think of him-you might be surprised.

I have asked a few close friends.
One guy friend thinks he’s using me for an ego boost (but said guy also made a pass at me and I rejected him so may not be fully objective).
My best female friend says she’s thinks he doesn’t deserve me 😱.
Another close friend thinks there’s an imbalance of power in our relationship. For example he knows everything about me but he doesn’t open up in the same way to me about things like past relationships.

You haven't heard from him since last week

Fuck that!

You are too available.

See him when he wants if you like but live your life in between those times. Don't drop everything when he wants to meet.

Only 2 months in you're already worrying yourself about a man. Over-analysing, talking about him to friends etc. It's intense. You don't even know if you'll end up longterm suppose he doesn't want that? 2 months is no time at all, you're still in the 'honeymoon' phase

I thought he’d be interested to hear this alternative perspective but he was really, really outraged. He didn’t shout but was almost incandescent about it and could well have been shaking.

Some good ideas as to how I can raise this with him. Thanks.

Why op do you want to date someone so aggressive? Why do you want to date someone controlling? Do you think you can fix him? You can't.

No amount of sex or attraction is worth this. He ignores you when you contact him. Would you accept that from a friend? I wouldn't.

Seeing him isn't going to help matters. You'll just see him and focus on the things you like then go back to feeling shit. I really don't understand what you're getting out of this.

You need to switch the balance of power.

Yes, by dumping him.

Tightly wound, pissy & an armchair dictator....I don't see what is remotely attractive about that but whatever tickles your pickle I guess?

Fuck no!

Run for the hills unless you want your every move dictated by this borish nobend. If that's your idea of a good time then I don't know what to tell you. 🤷

There have been many threads similar to this where the OP is hovering and wants to hold on to a toxic set-up, despite being unanimously told that the guy is extremely bad news and definitely controlling. And sadly, all too often, the OP still wants to play with fire and thinks that she might be able to control the guy and the situation. OP, you are not in the slightest going to be able to dictate to this man or regain power, you’ve already been trained up to jump. You even parrot what this guy said about his ex, which was extremely unkind btw. You think she is passive, you have only just got together with this guy and trust me, you already morphed into her! He’s not got in touch because he is messing with your head and wants you to be so relieved when he finally does deign to get in touch. And sadly, despite your bravado on this thread, you are going to roll over. There really is no point trying to engage in any tactical manoeuvres. He’s given you an out by not being in touch, keep it that way. And don’t waste too much energy trying to label this fucksock, it doesn’t matter if he a narcissist or whatever. Don’t kid yourself that you will be in a position to implement any changes. You won’t run the show. Why would you even waste that much energy. A good guy won’t require you to play any stupid power games. At just 8 weeks, there shouldn't be that much angst. When it is right, it is uplifting and just flows. A guy who is into you, won't make you wait for many days to answer a bloody text. The only control you actually have is to block him and end this shit shower. That's how you take back power.

Like everyone else says, start randomly saying no and insisting on doing your suggestion. Your suggestions aren't illegal or immoral are they? So he should be willing to try.

If you want to know what a man is truly like, say no to him and don't back down no matter what

If it turns out he is a dickhead best to find out soon.

Good sex can be obtained elsewhere.

Or tell him no more dates just FWB.

I see a few similarities to how my DH was when we dated/now.

He won't change. You might find it easier to be passive, just to keep the peace. Go along with what he wants, even if you want that too.
But eventually you will get bored being the good gf. You will want to do your own thing and he won't like it. He will be grumpy or give you the silent treatment when you stand up and do what you want.
It happens slowly, but eventually if you stay passive for the sake of a happy, easy relationship, it becomes harder to re establish your identity and push for what you want. Eventually when you decide no, actually I want to watch this on TV tonight, it will come as a shock to him and his controlling behaviour will become far more apparent.

He's known you for a long time so he's had time to learn what you like and use that to have "loads in common with you."
He knows what you'll put up with.
Try booking a nice meal as a surprise and see how he reacts when you've done something without his permission.

I don't see you ending this relationship from your update. You're too invested and somehow feel he's good deep down.

You keep making excuses about him being insecure...as if that makes it acceptable.

I don't mean to be rude, or insensitive, but I see women tolerating this nonsense when they're getting older and think they have no choice.

Why continue putting with his dominance? Unless you have a sub type character and enjoy it, which some women (and men) do.

Please help me to stay strong. I spoke to him today and feel my resolve weakening. He’s so charming and engaging when we do actually speak. I feel myself being sucked back in. He makes me laugh so much and the surge of happiness feels so real.

They are just sweet words to keep you reeled in. His ACTIONS speak louder. All. On. His.Terms. Keep toeing the line, all is well. The truth will come out when you don't go along with what he wants, but insist on doing what YOU want.

Literally millions of men out there. Not all of them little dictators.

The cure for addiction is to go cold turkey. Block him on every avenue of contact. Keep busy. Write a list (use this thread) of all the negative things he's done/said and the way it's made you feel. Keep that list with you. Fold it up and tuck it away in your bra, a sock, a pocket. When you feel yourself weakening touch that list and remember what it says.

Time and distance will strengthen your resolve.

You spoke to him today because it was Tuesday, the decreed day? How did you leave it with him? I don’t mean to sound sarcastic but when did you agree to speak/meet up again, as I’m assuming you did?

You spoke to him today because it was Tuesday, the decreed day? Yes, he said he’d call me early this week.
How did you leave it with him?
We’re meeting up on Saturday night so he said he would call me on Thursday or Friday to finalise things.