DIVORCING sulking H!

[jamaisjedors]

This is my fourth thread ! (Long-time mn-er.)

I initially started a thread reluctantly in December after my H ruined my birthday weekend (and 1st anniversay of my dad's death) by giving me the silent treatment all weekend to "punish me" for not being grateful enough for him coming away and buying me a present and a card.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3448545-Confronting-DH-about-his-sulking?msgid=84022238

Thanks to some amazing posters I realised that H's behaviour (which was not at all a one-off) was abusive and unacceptable.

I prepared to leave him and got plans in place but got "hoovered" back in by H with promises of joint counselling, individual counselling for him, and regular "date nights". Unfortunately none of that changed the dynamic in our relationship : 2nd thread :

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3498886-Confronting-DH-about-his-sulking-part2?msgid=85957683

I started a 3rd thread in May when H and I had decided to separate :

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3580872-LEAVING-sulking-H?msgid=88239005

and that's when things got nightmarish.

As everyone on here pointed out, the most dangerous time for women is when they decide to leave an abusive partner.

In a nutshell, H went missing, had an acute psychotic episode, was admitted to a psychiatric facility and is still in there now.

Staff at the hospital warned me H could be dangerous for me and advised me to move out asap which I did, in fear for my life.

Things now are on a reasonably even keel 2 months on but now the battle is managing H who is continuing his abusive behaviour and also protecting the DC (12 & 14) - H is expecting to get joint custody.

Thanks again to all the wonderful posters who have advised me, informed me, cheered me on, shared their experiences and generally been an invaluable source of support over the last 7-8 months.

Bon voyage!

Thanks, on our way now!

Feeling relieved to get away, even if I still have information to forward to my lawyer.

I'll check back in in a couple of weeks.

Have a great break.

Enjoy!!!

Have a wonderful break!

Have a well deserved break! Enjoy!

Enjoy your break!

Have a good break :)

Have a great holiday

Have a fab holiday and I hope you get to relax and spend some time looking after yourself :)

Hope you are having a great, stress free and happy break

Happy hols from me too! Xx

Thanks everyone for all your lovely messages.

On the whole, we had a great break.

It was amazing to be in another country and to be looked after by family.

Just a couple of wobbles, at the start of the holiday H started texting the dc insisting they call him, even though we had only just arrived. Their psychologists had suggested every 3 days would be good for a call.

I asked if they wanted to use the holiday to take a break and speak to their dad every 3 days and they said yes and asked me to ask him.

So I emailed him and of course he hit the roof and accused me of lying/manipulating etc etc. He also said the dc were old enough to tell him themselves (showing total lack of understanding of how hard it is for the dc to do that).

But in the end, the dc DID tell him, he called and they said "speak to you in 3 days".

Despite that, after 2 days he emailed me again asking for news of the dc as he had had none and that I was obviously arbitrarily enforcing the 3 day rule.

BUT thanks to your advice, I had set up his emails to filter into a separate folder and so didn't see his email for a week!!! Result!

Definitely a good thing to do because the first email exchange wrecked my head and stopped me sleeping.

Had a good break after that but then at the end my lawyer emailed me all the stuff that H's lawyer has prepared for the divorce hearing on Monday.

It was quite upsetting and shook me up but I have prepared with her now and we are all set for the hearing on Monday afternoon which will decide on temporary measures for the dc and finances.

Today the dc are seeing their dad for the day and I will be resting, doing yoga, and preparing my statement for midday (I only need to write a couple of sentences for the end when the judge asks if I have anything to add to my lawyer's proposal).

Well done to you and the boys, sadly I can't see 50:50 ever being best for them because this level of control he wants is who he is not just because of his "breakdown"

Your amazing, your kids are lucky to have you ❤️ Best of luck tomorrow x x

@RandomMess yes I have come to the conclusion too that 50/50 will probably never be right for the dc.

For the moment we are asking for full custody and restricted day time access EOW depending on H's mental health.

He is maintaining his request for 50/50 and of course bad mouthing me in the process.

His lawyer has obviously forced him to make an alternative proposition which is EOW and tuesday and Wednesday nights.

So he would have them 1/3rd of the time.

I have no idea how things will go but my lawyer says the judge is very concerned about children's welfare in general and less so about "parental rights" so fingers crossed.

@Newmumma83 thanks!

Oh yes, forgot to say, H provided his discharge notes, he is on high dosage of 3 different medications (anti depressants, anti psychotic, anti anxiety) and is described as having obsessive compulsive personality disorder behaviour/ symptoms as well as being "psychorigide " which means stubborn and inflexible and a "sensitive" personality which is a subset of paranoid personality disorder.

It also says he had a major anxiety attack when he received the court summons and had to delay his leaving date.

He really doesn't sound well, hoping court goes well for your ds. Did they get asked for their thoughts by the courts?

So glad you and the boys managed a good break.

Although his diagnosis will come as no surprise to you, it must still be a bit of a shock to see it written down and know you were trying to compensate for that behaviour in your marriage for all those years.

I assume it will be extremely helpful to have a professional diagnosis from his psychiatrist in your court hearing.

Hi jamais, back to life with a bang.... I'm glad you managed to shelve his invasive emails.
At least the hearing is tomorrow & then it's done, no more waiting.
I think any judge reading his discharge notes would refuse 50/50
I imagine furious outbursts & denials & accusations from him, the judge won't like that a bit !

Glad you and the children had a good time. Tomorrow seems to be shaping up very nicely in your favour. Get all your notes together just in case anyone has lost them, if indeed that's relevant.

"psychorigide" is a great description!
(I may be a bit of that sometimes....)

Just trying to work out what to say when I'm asked by the judge if I have anything to add at the end.

Apparently I have about a minute so it needs to be short and snappy and focused on the children's well being and not on conflict with H.

I think that I would place emphasis on giving the boys stability during this very difficult period where they are dealing with both the divorce and a seriously ill parent. Perhaps that you hope that you and exH will be able to coparent amicably but that while he is ill/heavily medicated/ unstable you need to be able to make decisions to minimize the impact of his illness on the boys while maintaining contact with exH

I like Lunde's approach. Can you include that now Ex is no longer able to control you that he is currently trying to control the boys and you need to protect them for his manipulation?