DIVORCING sulking H!

[jamaisjedors]

This is my fourth thread ! (Long-time mn-er.)

I initially started a thread reluctantly in December after my H ruined my birthday weekend (and 1st anniversay of my dad's death) by giving me the silent treatment all weekend to "punish me" for not being grateful enough for him coming away and buying me a present and a card.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3448545-Confronting-DH-about-his-sulking?msgid=84022238

Thanks to some amazing posters I realised that H's behaviour (which was not at all a one-off) was abusive and unacceptable.

I prepared to leave him and got plans in place but got "hoovered" back in by H with promises of joint counselling, individual counselling for him, and regular "date nights". Unfortunately none of that changed the dynamic in our relationship : 2nd thread :

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3498886-Confronting-DH-about-his-sulking-part2?msgid=85957683

I started a 3rd thread in May when H and I had decided to separate :

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3580872-LEAVING-sulking-H?msgid=88239005

and that's when things got nightmarish.

As everyone on here pointed out, the most dangerous time for women is when they decide to leave an abusive partner.

In a nutshell, H went missing, had an acute psychotic episode, was admitted to a psychiatric facility and is still in there now.

Staff at the hospital warned me H could be dangerous for me and advised me to move out asap which I did, in fear for my life.

Things now are on a reasonably even keel 2 months on but now the battle is managing H who is continuing his abusive behaviour and also protecting the DC (12 & 14) - H is expecting to get joint custody.

Thanks again to all the wonderful posters who have advised me, informed me, cheered me on, shared their experiences and generally been an invaluable source of support over the last 7-8 months.

Yes, having escaped a highly manipulative relationship, your prime concern is that your boys are not influenced, & learn his example as normal, going forward in their own relationships,
(Should be well received by female judge)

Would it help to say something like that you hope in the long term that H will recover and be able to share parenting your boys equally (to show you are not keeping the dcs from him maliciously)?

For now (while he is ill), after a period of extreme instability, stress and fear, you believe it is in their best interests to build some security and stability by having one safe home with you but you recognise the importance of their relationship with him and you want to support them in maintaining that relationship in a safe and careful way.

Could you even include examples of things the dcs have said? e.g. that they want to see him but not every day.

And that boys want contact every third day but he wouldn't believe you and they struggle to tell
Him what they want?

I'm not sure talking about the manipulation will be helpful because we have a pretty strong case rising above his fuckery slandering me for petty details and sticking to the fact that his psychiatrist concludes that he is extremely emotionally fragile and also the high dosage of medication.

But the stability argument is a good one, the best thing is not to talk about him and just about the kids apparently.

I have written since things but it's all too long, I'm going to try and get an early night and shorten it in the morning.

I wanted to say that the kids need to be able to be kids, and not constantly watching their dad to see if he is ok or unstable or worse, having to call an ambulance or the police for him.

I could of wrote this thread myself I lived through hell for 4 years with my ex and it's been going through court for 2 years now he's been denied access twice to my daughter and he's taken me back again and now they seem to think he would be ok to see her despite there being more than 10 risk factors he also got sectioned and was extremely violent, he is still classed as a risk to my life and the justice system is failing me and my child and putting us back in harms way sorry for the rant I just get scared and frustrated, stay strong OP and beat him, don't let him win

I think that you are right to focus on the kids needs and stability (much as it would be tempting to stand there and criticise him after all he has put you through)

You need to show that you are the parent thinking about the kids and their development rather than your ex who will presumably rant on about his wants and rights if his lawyer allows him.

I think that you could possibly get a few negative things in - by advocating for your children's best. Overall I think that the message would be that it is important that the children are allowed their childhood and a stable home and that they don't feel forced into being "dad's carer" by feeling responsible that they have to monitor his illness symptoms when they are alone with him or feel forced to limit what they can say or be subjected to his anger - for example (if the court wants examples)

• your exH is heavily medicated including anti-psychosis medications which have heavy side effects including drowsiness, dizzy spells and blurred vision etc - so you are concerned that he might be unable to meet their needs or respond to emergencies during overnight visitation
• your sons have attempted to set their own contact boundaries with the help of their own counsellor but your ex is struggling to respect the children's requests and undermines them
• your sons feel that they are being pumped for information about you/your address etc - your ex doesn't respect that they don't feel comfortable about this.
• They have been exposed to extreme anger over minor issues such as the shirt for the concert etc.

I would finish up with something about - you have never denied your ex contact with his children when even when he was admitted to a psychiatric clinic following his psychotic episode. You are hoping for his recovery and that in time you hope that it may be possible - at a (much) later date to reassess the full custody that you are seeking today when your exH's recovery becomes more embedded and stable.

Posted too early - just wanted to add - Good Luck for tomorrow!

I may be off the mark but I wouldn't focus too heavily on the side-effects of the anti-psychotic meds, the reason being that this might give him an excuse to come off them so he can say "I don't have these side effects any more"
But definitely keep it based around the children's stability and the fact that they shouldn't have to be keeping an eye on their parent's wellbeing while they're with him, that's really not their role.

I know child carers exist, but that's usually in unavoidable situations and I'm fairly sure that no one thinks it's an ideal option.

Good luck today Jamais

I think you nailed it already OP

I wanted to say that the kids need to be able to be kids, and not constantly watching their dad to see if he is ok or unstable or worse, having to call an ambulance or the police for him.

Good luck today x

We're all standing with you today jamais.

Thanks. Didn't sleep much and trying to keep calm now. I have do much I would like to say but need to keep it short so yes, the kids need to be able to be kids, have friends round, be sure they will get to school on time, not be watching their dad's every move. They've been through enough.

I think that'll be the jist of it, I'll check with my lawyer when I see her later.

And of course I'll report back. Thanks again.

Good luck, I hope you have some support in person today.

Lots of messages from friends and my lawyer is also very nice.

Good luck lovely thinking of you 💐

We're all metaphorically stood at your shoulder when you're in court. You are doing so bloody well in all this.

Everything crossed for you.

Thinking of you today, hope all goes well

Thinking of you today, hope all goes well

Good luck OP.

Good luck OP.

All the best

All the best

Holding my thumbs for you

Holding my breath here, Bonne Chance