DIVORCING sulking H!

[jamaisjedors]

This is my fourth thread ! (Long-time mn-er.)

I initially started a thread reluctantly in December after my H ruined my birthday weekend (and 1st anniversay of my dad's death) by giving me the silent treatment all weekend to "punish me" for not being grateful enough for him coming away and buying me a present and a card.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3448545-Confronting-DH-about-his-sulking?msgid=84022238

Thanks to some amazing posters I realised that H's behaviour (which was not at all a one-off) was abusive and unacceptable.

I prepared to leave him and got plans in place but got "hoovered" back in by H with promises of joint counselling, individual counselling for him, and regular "date nights". Unfortunately none of that changed the dynamic in our relationship : 2nd thread :

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3498886-Confronting-DH-about-his-sulking-part2?msgid=85957683

I started a 3rd thread in May when H and I had decided to separate :

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3580872-LEAVING-sulking-H?msgid=88239005

and that's when things got nightmarish.

As everyone on here pointed out, the most dangerous time for women is when they decide to leave an abusive partner.

In a nutshell, H went missing, had an acute psychotic episode, was admitted to a psychiatric facility and is still in there now.

Staff at the hospital warned me H could be dangerous for me and advised me to move out asap which I did, in fear for my life.

Things now are on a reasonably even keel 2 months on but now the battle is managing H who is continuing his abusive behaviour and also protecting the DC (12 & 14) - H is expecting to get joint custody.

Thanks again to all the wonderful posters who have advised me, informed me, cheered me on, shared their experiences and generally been an invaluable source of support over the last 7-8 months.

Just are you are subconsciously feeling the benefit of being in an exh home. They'll be feeling it too. And hopefully when he's feeling better he'll be better in his home which he can organise.

I have been following your threads too, and I am sorry that things have become so much more difficult recently. I think you have been amazingly strong, and I am, and will be, cheering you on!

{{{hugs}}}

Jamais I'm following your story because soon I think I will be in a similar situacion. (Just started a thread about that). Wish you all the best and I envy you for being so far ahead! ;)

Followed you since the first thread. Well done for preserving. Wishing you strength and patience,
Still concerned that he is an inpatient yet is able to have outpatient access to children without (official or medical) supervision,

With regards to him telling your visitors, he was over tired & he is alright now. He would have been discharged from the clinic by now if this was the case.
It costs money that the country doesn't have, they have him there because he is mentally unwell, otherwise he would be out the door in minutes

So apparently he has been discharged or discharged himself now since Friday.

He is asking to have the DC overnight and I have refused.

Dc1 says his dad got angry on the phone last night that they weren't staying over and said "it's always mum who gets to decide".

He has also emailed me asking why I haven't replied to his request to have the dc for 3 weeks alone in the summer.

I had previously been ignoring his emails asking for outrageous things but on my lawyer's and psychologist's I have spelt it out in an email now - how his demanding to have the kids for 3 nights on the day he was released from the clinic plus 3 weeks in August despite my repeated requests to take things slowly and protect the dc were totally unreasonable and either showed he was still mentally unstable or in total denial over his condition.

He alluded to his family coming for one week "at my request" and I pointed out that I had contacted his family out of concern and to provide him with an opportunity to see the dc safely as he had refused to do so himself.

No answer yet but if he was angry last night before the email, he'll be even angrier now.

My lawyer says he is shooting himself in the foot with his repeated demands to have the dc for inappropriately long periods alone and not asking for help.

It just improves our case for the hearing not to be deferred because H cannot be trusted to make sensible decisions.

Keep a record of all interactions. Dated and with copies of emails.

I sincerely hope that you can get before a judge ASAP. Well done for staying strong for your children. I think that you are absolutely doing the right thing in not backing down

Luckily H is emailing and copying in friends so it's all down in writing! I am also keeping a journal of everything to be able to be precise (on my friend "Sam's recommendation as H was doing the same).

KOKO

It's clear that he isn't putting the DC needs first.

I think he's a tut helping your case at the moment. Do the children understand why you're saying no.

Do the children understand why you're saying no?

Kind of.

The first time he wanted them overnight I explained it in detail.

Since then they have said that he seems fine and that if they stayed over they could relax and lie in (rather than get up to be picked up) but when I have said I'm not happy, they haven't challenged it.

Dc1 said he wanted to warn me that his dad was mad about them not staying, but didn't ask me to change my mind.

If anything, when his dad gets mad I think it reinforces that he's not right yet, even if they say they feel safe and happy with him.

I told them yesterday that as we can't agree the judge will decide.

And we are going away to family in Friday so a break from all of this.

I think that's pretty smart. I think they're old enough to know that their father's not well, and you know he's not capable of making the right choices for himself, and you need to know he's capable of making them right choices for them as well. He needs to prove that he is safe with them before you are willing to risk it.

I think will benefit your children's mental health greatly to know that you will stand up to angry dad (you didn't in the past), to know that when in doubt you will put their well-being first. You'll take the flak to avoid any risk of harm to them.

I think you're handling it well, carry on with the replying clearly to his emails even if you're cutting and pasting.

You must be counting the hours at this stage to the time with your family. I hope that you get a good break from everything.

You must be counting the hours at this stage to the time with your family

I absolutely am!

DC with their dad for a short while tomorrow, I have work to finish off then will pick the dc up from the family home and drop back some stuff H has asked for then it won't be hanging over me while I'm away.

Then packing.. and gone on Friday!!!

Hope all of you are having a good summer and sending strength and patience and nerves of steel to those in a similar situation.

I've followed your previous threads and am awed by what a strong person you are. It's one thing talking about doing something, but it takes a huge amount of courage to actually do it. Hope you and your children have a happier life from now on

Hope you have a lovely relaxing break.

Hey Jamais. I hope you and your kids have a lovely holiday. Don't feel like you have to update us all the time. Obviously if you need or want to we would love to hear from you but this is your break so try and relax and be good to yourself. You deserve and need it after the year you have had.

Cheers to getting away from it all, Jamais!!!

Unfortunately he will email & telephone constantly. Deliberately invading your head space. Needy, Angry, realising he is for the first time he is on his own. I think you should inform him before hand that your phone will be OFF as you too need a holiday havent been lying in bed for the last x months.
He can speak to his children via their phones. Make sure their "find this phone" is OFF also.
Have a good break jamais.

Did you get the college inscription sorted in the end ?

And don't check your email while you're away. Have a great time, and try to do lots exh wouldn't approve of.

If anyone deserves a holiday it you and your kids. I've been following since the beginning and I'm so, so glad you are building a life away from him.

Do you have someone keeping an eye on your home while you're away? I may be being over - cautious but he's angry, unstable and unpredictable.

Hope you have a lovely time.

Instead of not checking your email (for fear you might miss something important), is there someone in your family who you would trust to check your email for you first? They could read anything from him to see if it's something you need to be aware of, or send it to trash if it's not.