Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DIVORCING sulking H!

992 replies

jamaisjedors · 13/07/2019 20:16

This is my fourth thread ! (Long-time mn-er.)

I initially started a thread reluctantly in December after my H ruined my birthday weekend (and 1st anniversay of my dad's death) by giving me the silent treatment all weekend to "punish me" for not being grateful enough for him coming away and buying me a present and a card.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3448545-Confronting-DH-about-his-sulking?msgid=84022238

Thanks to some amazing posters I realised that H's behaviour (which was not at all a one-off) was abusive and unacceptable.

I prepared to leave him and got plans in place but got "hoovered" back in by H with promises of joint counselling, individual counselling for him, and regular "date nights". Unfortunately none of that changed the dynamic in our relationship : 2nd thread :

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3498886-Confronting-DH-about-his-sulking-part2?msgid=85957683

I started a 3rd thread in May when H and I had decided to separate :

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3580872-LEAVING-sulking-H?msgid=88239005

and that's when things got nightmarish.

As everyone on here pointed out, the most dangerous time for women is when they decide to leave an abusive partner.

In a nutshell, H went missing, had an acute psychotic episode, was admitted to a psychiatric facility and is still in there now.

Staff at the hospital warned me H could be dangerous for me and advised me to move out asap which I did, in fear for my life.

Things now are on a reasonably even keel 2 months on but now the battle is managing H who is continuing his abusive behaviour and also protecting the DC (12 & 14) - H is expecting to get joint custody.

Thanks again to all the wonderful posters who have advised me, informed me, cheered me on, shared their experiences and generally been an invaluable source of support over the last 7-8 months.

Flowers Flowers Flowers Flowers Flowers Flowers Flowers Flowers

OP posts:
meercat23 · 19/12/2019 21:02

Would there be any possibility that your lawyer could send someone to observe the valuation instead of you attending?

Original poster
jamaisjedors · 19/12/2019 21:14

rather than put it on file, she has chosen to suck it up like every other apologist for his behaviour and tell you to your face that because he calmed down at the end, she has hope. I am certain that this incident made you feel helpless and angry, and brought back memories of his charming, manipulative nature, and how easily swayed people are.

This rings very true - each time someone is scared of him and then won't testify to it officially, it makes me feel very helpless and angry.

OTOH it reinforces what I always felt, that he was a very angry and scary person and no amount of gas-lighting could make me forget that.

Very wise words from @allezallezallez

But seeing him in the meeting, even if you don’t have to say much, you are still playing an active role - you are having to resist him.

Yes, after all the meeting and particularly after catching each others' eye, a lot of the good memories came flooding back and he felt very familiar. But also I let myself get drawn into a bit of sparring with him and was left feeling twisted up and frustrated and stupid and put-down, and that made all the horrible feelings of powerlessness (and fear) bubble back up to the surface.

Lots of good advice which I will reread when I'm calmer.

Any "warm" feelings I might have had after exH's email (although they were mostly sadness and grief and frustration at his denial and the waste of what could have been...) have evaporated as my lawyer has called and sent through his arguments for the appeal.

In the end he doesn't try to paint me as a bad mother, so I can relax a little on that front. But he makes out I'm a liar and a master manipulator and that I have been hiding revenue to get higher maintenance etc.

Nothing though about his health - just a sentence about him being back to work so all fine. My lawyer says this is great because we can point out that once again he is in denial and underestimating the seriousness of what happenend and this is precisely what the original judge said so the appeal judges will not be impressed.

Off to bed !

OP posts:
RandomMess · 19/12/2019 21:31

So complete projection again that you are the master manipulator when really it's him 🤬

justilou1 · 19/12/2019 21:35

Projection is actually one of the symptoms too! 🤣

LostInTesco · 19/12/2019 22:15

Would your bank be able to supply bank statements for the time when you entered the marriage?

Catmaiden · 19/12/2019 22:35

Huge hugs. He's still so delusional, isn't he.

CharityDingle · 20/12/2019 00:33

and that made all the horrible feelings of powerlessness (and fear) bubble back up to the surface.

You are not powerless. Keep remembering that. Write it on a sticker and put it on your bathroom mirror.

I felt angry, on your behalf, reading about his latest bullshit. He is acting a part, just as he did when you were together. The put-upon, poor me part. Even dragging the children into believing that he is unwell and not eating.

I'm so mad, I could spit.
In his direction.

KOKO.

Mix56 · 20/12/2019 08:16

He is delusional, If its all about "money" it's not relevant re. child contact

hiding revenue to get higher maintenance etc. How does this work ?
He is living in the family home rent free, he probably earns more than you, his beef is having to help maintain his children that you are covering 100%. Even If he's referring to the revenue from your rental property ?
it is irrelevant in the custody war. He is wasting the judges time, XH is in for a royal bollocking
I would maybe try & do the division of belongings before this court case. because afterwards he is going to be even more livid.
When you go for this, could someone accompany you ? He would look so unreasonable infront of a witness.

As for looking a mess, well he probably is eating less, you are no longer la Bonne providing nice cooked meals, clean laundry.

FraglesRock · 20/12/2019 16:19

Sorry I've not been on. You dropped off my watch list??

So what is he actually asking for in this appeal?
You're a good mum, he's fine, you're a manipulator, what's he expecting a judge to say about that?

Weenurse · 20/12/2019 22:03

💐 I cannot believe he is still minimising his mental health issues.

Original poster
jamaisjedors · 20/12/2019 23:14

Thanks for being mad on my behalf. I can't seem to find any rage, just sadness and frustration.

I wish things could be different for the kids, but his continued denial of any mental health problems just makes it harder to trust him and reinforces our case.

My lawyer said its an ego problem and I think she's right.

Anyway, trying to put this horrible week behind me and enjoy time with family now and thank my lucky stars (again!) for my lawyer whispering "go for 1st half of the holidays in odd (ie not even) years as 2019 being "odd" means I have the kids with me.

Next year will be hard, but this year would have been horrific.

Wishing everyone a merry Christmas, tonight I'm physically back where I was exactly a year ago, but the relief of exh not bring here has again been so great - fun singing loudly with the dc in the car, noone sulking but then trying it on with me in bed tonight, no stress about how he will react to Christmas or worry about how not to cry in front of the dc if he buys me nothing...

I think I need a new thread for the new year!!! FlowersBrewWineXmas Smile

OP posts:
Weenurse · 21/12/2019 00:14

Happy Christmas

lifeisgoodagain · 21/12/2019 01:02

Talking about finances will always be tough - we are talking tomorrow about a future plan (no lawyers because we aren't using them an account of me doing all the paperwork myself). Wish me luck ladies - I'm asking him for £400k and a clean break whereas he wanted lifelong maintenance (why?)

meercat23 · 21/12/2019 09:17

Lifeisgood I would guess that life long maintenance would make him feel more in control?

Jamais have a wonderful time with your boys and your family. Getting untangled from a relationship like your was never going to be easy but you are doing so well and it will be so worth it.

HazelBite · 21/12/2019 10:34

Enjoy your Christmas Jamais!!
(Try and pretend, for a short while any, that he doesn't exist!}

Original poster
jamaisjedors · 21/12/2019 14:13

I actually slept last night, my brother is looking after me. But exh was there in my nightmares, I think the full extent of his controlling and coercion is catching up on me now that I have been away from him and then seen him again.

Having a nap now and already feel Christmassy and far away from it all.

OP posts:
Haffdonga · 21/12/2019 14:20

Let yourself be looked after and breathe.

Joyeux Noel!

Mix56 · 21/12/2019 15:05

Joyeux Noel Jamais, Enjoy your family & boys.
Forget The Scrooge for now (Just had to look up that spelling !!! My Youth in the UK was so long ago !)

pointythings · 21/12/2019 18:33

Have a wonderful Christmas, jamais. In the New Year, look for some help with that PTSD he probably gave you, and as we say on here, KOKO.

Little by little he will lose his hold over you. You have come so far in a year - take a moment to look in the mirror and tell yourself you are amazing.

springydaff · 21/12/2019 22:05

I bet you aren't heavy-footed Jamais. I so bet you aren't. My ex also made me feel like an elephant. Vile.

You're doing so well. Let all this shit roll through - it's no wonder you're unsettled as all the poison rises to the surface. It's so shocking. But it will roll through and off.

Ex and I also once fell into our old rapport during mediation (or something). It felt so lovely to have all the aggro gone, all that was good about us back. But it was an illusion (in fact, he was an illusion in a curious way). Sad.

But so joyous to be free. 🌹🌺

CharityDingle · 22/12/2019 17:02

Happy Christmas, jamais,
I hope that you get plenty of restorative sleep, over the holidays, and happy times with your boys and your friends.

Myyearmytime · 22/12/2019 22:20

I think you need to get PTSD therapist .
Good luck with Christmas.
The divorce will hard.just get done
Dont sweat the money as I bet you will end going to final judgment as he won't agree to anything.

Dont agree to anything yourself and let it be in lap of judge that way it wont be your fault and he can't beat you with it over and over again .

Chrsitmasishere123 · 23/12/2019 00:11

Op, you sound very inspiring. I have told do tonight I want him out in the new year and he is very angry and disagrees. He has controlled me for the last 15 years. Lot of brainwashing. He is violet towards the kids and I just had enough of treading on eggshells to avoid him getting overwhelmed by kids and lose his shit. The only thing is I don't know if I'm strong enough to keep strong and demand he leaves. Have no family or support around!

springydaff · 23/12/2019 02:38

123 start a fresh thread, you'll get some good advice and support 🌺

Contact Women's Aid - your local office here - they will fully support you. You can do this, step by step. So many of us have done it when we never thought we could xx

FromTheAllotment · 27/12/2019 00:55

Happy Christmas jamais. Huge admiration for your journey. Wine

Swipe left for the next trending thread