DIVORCING sulking H!

[jamaisjedors]

This is my fourth thread ! (Long-time mn-er.)

I initially started a thread reluctantly in December after my H ruined my birthday weekend (and 1st anniversay of my dad's death) by giving me the silent treatment all weekend to "punish me" for not being grateful enough for him coming away and buying me a present and a card.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3448545-Confronting-DH-about-his-sulking?msgid=84022238

Thanks to some amazing posters I realised that H's behaviour (which was not at all a one-off) was abusive and unacceptable.

I prepared to leave him and got plans in place but got "hoovered" back in by H with promises of joint counselling, individual counselling for him, and regular "date nights". Unfortunately none of that changed the dynamic in our relationship : 2nd thread :

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3498886-Confronting-DH-about-his-sulking-part2?msgid=85957683

I started a 3rd thread in May when H and I had decided to separate :

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3580872-LEAVING-sulking-H?msgid=88239005

and that's when things got nightmarish.

As everyone on here pointed out, the most dangerous time for women is when they decide to leave an abusive partner.

In a nutshell, H went missing, had an acute psychotic episode, was admitted to a psychiatric facility and is still in there now.

Staff at the hospital warned me H could be dangerous for me and advised me to move out asap which I did, in fear for my life.

Things now are on a reasonably even keel 2 months on but now the battle is managing H who is continuing his abusive behaviour and also protecting the DC (12 & 14) - H is expecting to get joint custody.

Thanks again to all the wonderful posters who have advised me, informed me, cheered me on, shared their experiences and generally been an invaluable source of support over the last 7-8 months.

I agree, the contact is about him not being stable/able to care correctly. Not about you being the "better" parent,

💐☕️

@Weenurse that tea looks nice!!

re: vexatious litigation - yes I will bear that in mind for down the line, particularly if he pursues the cases against the 2 schools as well (not sure how I can find out about that and not bringing it up in case it makes me look bad for not consulting him about the change of school).

I agree that it SHOULD be all about him proving himself to be a fit and stable parent but seeing as already in the previous hearing he was scraping around trying to dig up something to accuse me of (taking money from the joint account to furnish the house, the kids missing school for 2 half days, ds1 being sick, obtaining one of the reports on him by fraud...) I don't doubt that he will give it all and go on the attack this time.

Again, if I stay calm and stable like last time (although I won't be heard) and we just continue to focus on the medical issues, hopefully the verdict will be the same and it may well look bad on him that after 23 years together he has "suddenly" decided I am not fit to look after his children even though I did the majority of care before.

Surely the courts will dismiss this appeal as its too early or is this a court date which surprises me.

he can dig up all he wants by the way this wont work as they will be looking at his health and how he copes with the children and how to co parent with you and that will never happen as he just wants to punish you, so he may have shot himself in the foot here.

If he was sincere about wanting more care of the children, surely he should be proving himself to be interested in caring for them. If I remember correctly, he has taken opportunities to travel for work etc and made no attempt to make arrangements, because he thinks it's all up to you.

Jamais, hope that you can relax and enjoy whatever break you have over Christmas, and try to leave aside thoughts of the hearing (as much as possible) until nearer the time.

@CharityDingle
If he was sincere about wanting more care of the children, surely he should be proving himself to be interested in caring for them. If I remember correctly, he has taken opportunities to travel for work etc and made no attempt to make arrangements, because he thinks it's all up to you.

This is what my lawyer said and we will be pointing it out.

I am upping my meditation and feeling better plus reassurance from all of you helps me stop stressing and be realistic

Relax, jamais, you're doing fine

.......... and breathe........ keep breathing. He is continuing to steal your oxygen. Don’t let him.

He's a twat. You are fab. Just keep concentrating on you, DC and meditation.

I've read all your threads from start to finish and really admire your strength. You've shown such courage and determination and I've actually found it quite comforting to read.
I'm at the start of a similar situation having been with him all my adult life. After an incident a year ago where he hit me, it's taken a year to recover from the shock, the putting the blame for it back to me and just emotional fog and confusion.
I now realise I have been in an abusive relationship all my marriage and most likely before - and it shocks me. Even now the conditioning is still there although I can now see it and aim to fight it. I know this is the end of the marriage for my sake and that of the children and once I feel I can, I will start a thread for advice. Thank you for showing me that it's not an easy or a short journey but it can be done.

@jamaisjedors you're bloody marvellous. You really are.

Hi @jamaisjedors

Just wondering how you're doing? You popped into my thoughts this morning so I had a search and I've seen your latest.

Any news on proceedings?
Are you looking forward to Christmas with the DC?
Hopefully that's something to look forward to amongst all the pressure you're under.

I also wanted to say that your courage through all of this has been amazing. I'm sure it feels like you're just going through the motions but you really do have the most incredible strength.

Hi all.

@PressToChange I am so sorry this has been happening to you but very happy you are coming out of the FOG - I am only realising recently what an apt expression that is.

Looking back I can't believe that I thought I "deserved" the way exH spoke to me -he never hit me but the violence of his words still stings now.

It sounds really stupid but I am quite heavy-footed (despite being petite and light) and occasionally when I am walking around the house or up the stairs I remember exH mocking me quite nastily and calling me an elephant and totally awkward and ungraceful.

Sometimes it's the tiny things which float up to the surface.

All I can say is that every day something nasty he would say or stop me doing floats up to the surface, and every single day without exception I am so thankful that I left.

Lately exH has been featuring heavily in my dreams/nightmares and the sense of relief when I wake up and realise I don't have to deal with him (directly anyway) anymore is amazing.

I'm still nervous about an upcoming solicitors' meeting to discuss finances on Monday, (need to get the paperwork straight for that) plus the appeal in February but am looking forward to Christmas with family in the UK - and the comparison with the last 2 Christmases is shocking - this time last year I was starting my thread on here asking for advice and feeling so downtrodden and unsure of myself.

Plus the whole Christmas period was overshadowed by my grief and sadness at ending my marriage and wondering how the DC would react.

This year will be different, but the DC don't seem to upset about their dad not being there and they will be spending NYE with him.

Thanks to everyone asking after me - things are crazy at work at the moment but I will report back again after the financial meeting - and I have a nice weekend planned too.

Jamais every time you go upstairs would you stomp just one or two steps? Just for joy.

I have an abusive ex who decided that I collected elephant figurines to remind me that I could easily get fat if I let myself go. (I am also petite - A size 36 in Europe, I think.) I took great delight in binning them along with him.

@justilou1 haha, well done!

And yes, @Haffdonga I will be clumping extra hard - I catch myself thinking "oh you're so clumpy" and then realise that no-one is here to say that to me anymore and SMILE!!!

Same goes for occasionally eating in front of the TV, having pasta 2 nights running, watching what I want on TV with the DC, laughing loudly, dancing round the kitchen, working late if I need to and then going to bed without someone sighing and huffing and turning their back on me, going out for an evening without someone complaining or criticising everyone and everything.... buying what I want for the DC for Xmas... the list goes on.

For anyone wondering about leaving a controlling relationship, this might sound like small stuff but there really are pure moments of joy every day when I realise I can do what I want without any consequences or worry.

Blissful!!!

I've been following your threads and I was with a similar sort for four years. We weren't married thankfully. His behaviour towards me was atrocious but so subtle and engineered to make me sound the crazy one for trying to call him on it. It changed my personality completely and I have never really gone back to the bouncy happy person I was before I met him if I'm honest. I was being abused severely but it crept on so slowly I was in denial completely for a long time. He eventually overstepped and I left. He has never kept a partner since.

The way you describe your ex describes my ex. The overiding need to control every single thing in his environment was terrifying looking back. I had to do everything the way he did it. If I didn't he would sulk and it could go on for weeks. He would cancel stuff, not turn up, anything to get back control. I hope this thread will act as a resourse to anyone being sulked at. It's an abuse strategy like no other.

"the violence of his words". Wow, that is such an accurate turn of phrase and describes it perfectly. Each comment and insult is a blow to one's psyche.

Oh bloody hell, what a joysucker he was! I know where you're coming from, I didn't know my late H was that bad until he left the family home and it was just me and DDs. You lose your sense of what 'normal' is.

Clomp, shout, laugh, eat pasta, watch crap telly, live!

So yesterday we had the first meeting with the court designated solicitor to start sorting out financial stuff.

As predicted, EXH was finicky over every detail but otherwise it wasn't too horrific.

However afterwards I was shattered and emotional (it lasted 2.5h) and of course had to go home and sort out the dc etc.

Exh was quite civil and we even had a weird moment when we were both rolling our eyes at each other over the solicitor messing up the calculations.

But then he went back into shutdown and snapped at me several times to tell me to stop interrupting him (but interrupted me plenty).

I left totally shaken and only slept for about 3 hours later night as I was totally wired and felt like I'd jumped back 8 months.

The good news is this morning I was knackered but back to my old self, so I obviously bounce back quicker these days in my "safe space" at home.

I am telling myself this is all helping me work through the grief and pain and not just brushing it under the carpet.

Hard though as it's such a busy time of year and I'm already stretched to the limit.

Early night tonight for sure.

I think this is really normal. You're not long out of a high stress situation, anything that puts you back into that even temporarily is going to have an effect. Use your yoga/meditation techniques to allow yourself to have those feelings so that you don't beat yourself up for feeling that way. You'll be fine. It will get easier - with every confrontation you will start to realise he no longer has any power over you.

Thanks.

After reading a book about the negative effects of holding in emotions and stress I am letting myself feel them and wash over me and even "lean into them" and then they are over quicker, rather than holding it all in and walking round on edge all the time.

I did the same last week when child protection services called to say exh had been in to try and get the notes about him to use them in court.

They managed to hold him off apparently but he came in in a rage and the woman was actually worried about handling him alone initially. (So it's not just me that's scared of him)

She said he calmed down a lot and was quite reasonable at the end so she thinks there is some hope of being able to co parent in future but he is still furious about "his rights" and apparently I have to make sure I consult him systematically so as not to upset the big man and his ego.

Get child protection services to log that event in writing, how frightened he made her feel. Contemporaneous notes are really powerful later.

Keep on keeping on

You don't have to worry about upsetting his ego ever again. You've come a long a way and you're doing great.

When these thoughts get overwhelming, just do a Scarlett O'Hara and tell yourself 'I'm not going to think about that now, I'll think about it tomorrow'. Give yourself permission to put it away with a promise to deal with it when you're rested and refreshed.

Look after yourself. Rest, eat, exercise and play. These are the things that will get you through each tough day.