DIVORCING sulking H!

[jamaisjedors]

This is my fourth thread ! (Long-time mn-er.)

I initially started a thread reluctantly in December after my H ruined my birthday weekend (and 1st anniversay of my dad's death) by giving me the silent treatment all weekend to "punish me" for not being grateful enough for him coming away and buying me a present and a card.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3448545-Confronting-DH-about-his-sulking?msgid=84022238

Thanks to some amazing posters I realised that H's behaviour (which was not at all a one-off) was abusive and unacceptable.

I prepared to leave him and got plans in place but got "hoovered" back in by H with promises of joint counselling, individual counselling for him, and regular "date nights". Unfortunately none of that changed the dynamic in our relationship : 2nd thread :

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3498886-Confronting-DH-about-his-sulking-part2?msgid=85957683

I started a 3rd thread in May when H and I had decided to separate :

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3580872-LEAVING-sulking-H?msgid=88239005

and that's when things got nightmarish.

As everyone on here pointed out, the most dangerous time for women is when they decide to leave an abusive partner.

In a nutshell, H went missing, had an acute psychotic episode, was admitted to a psychiatric facility and is still in there now.

Staff at the hospital warned me H could be dangerous for me and advised me to move out asap which I did, in fear for my life.

Things now are on a reasonably even keel 2 months on but now the battle is managing H who is continuing his abusive behaviour and also protecting the DC (12 & 14) - H is expecting to get joint custody.

Thanks again to all the wonderful posters who have advised me, informed me, cheered me on, shared their experiences and generally been an invaluable source of support over the last 7-8 months.

@MsPavlichenko you are right, there is definitely still a feeling of "what will he think?" about a lot of things and some of it us justified by the upcoming appeal.. but some is just old habits.

This is also why it is probably best for me to stay single for a while so I don't leap back into taking someone else into account straight away.

Hard though, it's coming up to a year now since I decided to leave exh and I would sometimes like a bit of fun or distraction or affection or...

Otoh there is no room in my schedule at all for anyone else right now and the dc need me there.

It's only natural (and probably quite sensible) to be prepared for what may come up especially as H is likely to try and pick holes in what you do at the moment. I've been reading a booked called 'burnout' about stress that I would really recommend as it has lots of ideas for de-stressing activities that help relieve that built up emotional tension from dealing with everyone else and their emotional baggage. A year can feel like forever but no time at all. Keep giving yourself time to heal, recharge and rebuild your boundaries

Seriously stay single until you are divorced. It's not fair on a new partner for one. For two it will stir exh up massively. It's too early for your kids too.

Sorry. I stayed single for 6 years after my divorce. Now happily married.

DH was not divorced (separated for 18 months when we met) and put up with 3 years of bollocks with the slowest divorce in French history.

You make a lot of sense @jamaisjedors
Roll on the day you never need to give him a moments thought.

Roll on the day you never need to give him a moments thought god yes...

Re relationships, there is absolutely no way I would be introducing anyone to the dc for a very long time and noone is moving in with me whole the dc are at home.

I know a relationship would totally antagonize exh if he knew about it and make my life very difficult.

I was thinking more doing the lines of dineine to go out for a drink with occasionally on non dc weekends, that's all.

And not NOW. But I'm not waiting 5 years either, I'll be nearly 50 and while it's of course possible, I think it could be super tough even getting used to someone else after so long!

was thinking more doing the lines of dineine to go out for a drink with occasionally on non dc weekends, that's all. = I was thinking more along the lines of someone to go out for a drink with...

Just checking back in to say I've just heard that we have a date for the appeal, it's mid-February. It's earlier than I expected, but haven't had a chance to chat with my lawyer to see if she's surprised or not.

I won't lie, it's shaken me up (I've already been having nightmares about exH all week) but I'm putting a brave(ish) face on for when I see the DC (who don't know about it).

Nice birthday present

@jamaisjedors

Put yourself first, you deserve to be happy, and that means being able to date. There's amazing men out there, I've bagged one after just a few months ago thinking I was on the scrap heap. I'm cautious, avoiding known hangouts of stbexh but I'm not hiding!

Really will be better to get it over I think. Particularly while he's not really been doing himself any favors. And your lawyer seems like a keeper? What are her thoughts? When will you know which judge you are getting? My lawyer was brilliant at her professional victim attack. She wiped the floor with him. It was a thing of beauty.

Ouch. That's a bit of a nasty reminder but it really is true that it's better over and done sooner rather than later. Otherwise you could have spent the first half of 2020 fretting and having sleepless nights. This way you can park it for now until after Christmas, have 6 weeks or so to prepare and then it's out the way and sorted.

Will you have to manage shared shenanigans over the Christmas break? Hopefully Christmas will really help settle your dcs and establish home with you as home.

Sorry the appeal is so near, but in a way it’s much better to get it over and done with as the others have said. I hope you can have a chat to your lawyer about it all soon.

He hasn't done himself any favours the DC are happy in new schools and home, worst that can happen is that he gets some overnights? Can't imagine it suddenly being 50:50!

Feeling better about it this morning.

Yes, probably worst case scenario is that he gets some overnights which wouldn't be awful.

They are unlikely to totally overturn the whole judgement with all the evidence about him being 9 weeks in psych plus his medication.

Plus again if the situation is conflictual they don't like to do 50/50 custody as the parents have to agree and be able to discuss things.

You never know though!!!

actually the sooner the better as he is still pretty much in full persecution mode. And its not as if he has stepped up to the mark, has he.

I agree, the waiting prolongs the torture
I can't see much changing, I think the only new decision may give him the odd Saturday night in time.

I think he's wasted his time, not sufficient seems to have changed let alone improved!

A longer wait allows him to get his shit together and start behaving like a decent parent. Sooner rather than later capitalises on his shortcomings re stepping up to actually parent his own children on the days he should.

Yes agree with Haffdonga - park it now until after Christmas, have a fab time, then put your head down in the new year and prepare for the February date.

Thanks for the update

Maybe the added pressure will stress him out more too.... he might pop!

What are you planning for Christmas, Jamais?

Trying to park it now or at least wait til I get the arguments from exh's lawyer.

Actually I am starting to see the positive side too.

Currently I am second guessing what ex might accuse me of with regard to the children's care and am tying myself up in knots about decisions like "Ds2 wont wear his coat to go to his dad's.. do I leave it or fight with him"

Do I go to the meeting at ds1's school or accompany ds2 to the psychologist?

Can i go out for a drink with friends and leave the ds alone?

I have this pressure to prove I'm a perfect parent hanging over me.

Plus I'm constantly imagining what exh would say about any parenting choices.

At least there is an end to that in sight... although exh can go back to court again at any point he wants.

Also the sooner I hear what exh is saying about me, the better.

At the moment it's my imagination which is taking over.

also, if he repeatedly drags you to court, there will be a time when he is seen as purely doing it to cause you distress and for the sake of it - and judges get pretty narked at that.

I'm (and my lawyer too) are already hoping that this will be the case with the appeal - she says the courts don't like an appeal when it is clear that the decision has been fully thought-out and explained in detail.

I'll wait and see though because I don't want to get ahead of myself.

Your lawyer could imply that people with his diagnosis might have a tendency to be overly litigious and hold up the courts unnecessarily....

vexatious litigation. Id forgotten the phrase earlier and its only just come back to me!

Correct me if im wrong but surely the original decision wasn’t based on you being a perfect parent (who the heck is?!) but on him not having the necessary emotional / psychiatric competence to care for his children solo. So if he’s concentrating on badmouthing you then without wanting to count chickens too soon I’d be feeling pretty confident. His play should be to focus completely on himself and demonstrate that he’s taking all necessary steps to be a good father. If he goes to court complaining about you then hopefully the judge will see that he’s totally missing the point.