He has just pulled up in van and is packing to leave

[Allinadaystwerk]

STBXH is leaving as I type this. I don't know what to do with myself. After reading lots of threads on mn I realise there has been abusive behaviour throughout our relationship (narcissist) and I have really been worn out to the point of chronic illness. But right here right now I have so many mixed emotions ranging from 'thank God he's going' to 'oh crap what will I do without him'
My dc are pre teen but seem absolutely fine with him going?? Which is a bit worrying I guess.

Shall I just stay out the way? Should I say something? He just said "considering I brought everything in here what do you think i should take?"
I said take what you think you should.. I'm currently hiding out in my bedroom.

Many thanks to everyone who held my hand over the weekend. I am so impressed with the support and humbled that you would all take time for little old me. I am shellshocked happy then sad then petrified then excited all within a few hours but I do feel alive. I'm sure I will have trips and falls but overall I know this had to happen. He did come back today as he had a delivery to here. I have him some boxes I'd packed and told him I'll send his mail on weekly until he changes addresses. I ignored the dirty looks. I just hope he can remain peaceful.
Now I have to think about finances and funding myself...🤔

Post office does re-directing forms if that's of use and you know where he is now. Dunno if he maybe has to sign it though.

Maybe you could sell some of his crap he left behind xD guess it might still be a bit risky incase he asks for it lol.

Can apply for redirect online now.
www.royalmail.com/personal/receiving-mail/redirection

Now I have to think about finances and funding myself

You will manage it. We all do even if it's ropey as shit at times it is so much better than living under the cloud of men like that. Expect to feel like crap as you get your freedom back and start seeing what you put up with differently, it is a rollercoaster but so very worth it

Well done💐

Could you not get help with housing costs? Maybe a trip to citizens advice could help? Of benefits will help take the worry off I’d apply for what you can and at least be able to stay where you are. Do you get disability? I’m glad you’re feeling a bit better especially after all you have gone through.

I am so impressed with you OP, you're doing amazingly well. For what it's worth you sound ace and a bit of a superwoman

Oh dear... dare I say it... yesterday I missed him yesterday. I was out all day at an event and struggled with my health. I felt alone and like this is it for me now. I was surrounded by couples and felt the loss of mine. I wanted to lean in and whisper my comments and observations and share a private laugh. I wanted to link arms with him when i was in pain and unsteady on my feet. I thought about the photos we wouod have taken..(he is tall dark and handsome with shoulders to die for 🙈) He would have been a strong logistical support. He would have driven and navigated and made sure i arrived and got home safe. Instead I had to do all that and today and now I am exhausted but have a shed load to do. So I missed him yesterday. But I'm not going back. 🙁

I wanted to lean in and whisper my comments and observations and share a private laugh.

The sad reality is that that wouldn't have happened anyway. It's very difficult to let go of the memory of how the relationship was at the start, and accept that it hasn't been like that for years. You always think that if only you'd acted differently you wouldn't have turned him into the cold nasty person he's become. But that person was always there, he (or she) just hid it while drawing you in.

The sad fact is that I reality its highly likely He would have got mad or sulked and ruined yet another special occasion. Right head given a wobble...I need to stay away from fantasy island and remain in the real world. 😄

My late mother was mostly a cow to me. She was ok sometimes, but mostly a cow once I was not under her control as an adult.I went NC. When she died, I was beside myself with grief - couldn't understand why until my daughter said "you're not crying for HER but for how she should have been"

I think your longings are the same - you're pining not for him, but for the person he should have been.

@QueenOfTheCroneAge you just hit the nail on the head... sigh 😔

He would have driven and navigated and made sure i arrived and got home safe. Instead I had to do all that

And you did that all yourself, despite being going through a separation.

And today and now I am exhausted but have a shed load to do.

Take it easy today, rest when you need to and do what needs to be done and leave the rest until tomorrow.

Well done op! You're doing very well x

Well done. Keep going xx

So you know when things just dawn on you... like just How bad it actually was. I watched a program last night and I realised how much of me I compromised for him. I totally lost myself in and for him. There are things that happened that I can't bring myself to even say 🙈. And he took it all and watched me slowly fading. How utterly cruel! But how did I allow that to happen to me and my dc's. I'm embarrassed to have loved him and how could i ever miss him!??I want to hate him and part of me does but only for short blasts of time then I defer to feeling massively hurt and abandoned and scared. I want to feel strong and restored and able and confident. And I want to like myself. Ahhh anxiety! Sorry for spilling my mind...my username should be...mythreadmytherapy

Hey OP. Read through all your posts and can't believe how strong you've been. You're doing great.
Its good that you're starting to look at the relationship for what it was rather than what you wanted it to be.
Dont worry too much about feeling lost or alone, it's still very early days. Getting back to yourself will take time, but you will get there. You'll look back on this time and know that you did the right thing.
Don't let him continue to bully you. You are a rock x

If you had a pet name for him, use that when you think of him, and treat it as if this part of him died, you can morn sons dad.
Then use his real name in your head with " the prat, when you think of him post separation, as he is now another person.

@Qcumber I really look forward to that day... I am a rock...

@mummmy2017 the mood swing that idea just gave me! From awww his pet name to xxxx the @#$%&%#!!.. I am living ququivering rock

You could also change his name in your phone to.....Utter Bellend or similar? Childish but may make you smile if it flashes up!

My child has a claxons and a death message on as her ring tone for me ...so funny...

Anger...is coming xD

Anger at him, anger at yourself, anger at the everyone else in your world for letting this come about. Actually it's a good thing right now though as you can use it.

If it get's too much though, I always found an angry dance about to music helped (whilst visualising pushing him out the door perhaps) if you feel up to it. Think the endorphins help make us feel better.

Good that the fog has started to lift :) you are doing so good op x

Utter bellend 😂 i love it...my STBXUB