Help! Recovering after husband cheated

[QueenOfFireFighting]

Ok new to this, I’ve read a million things on fixing things and moving forward but I’m in a real pickle so here goes...
I’ve been with my partner for 20 years this year and 2 children later. We met young at 16 and had our first child at 18. We’ve not really had the family around us to support us, it’s only ever been us. We have had our ups and downs, we’ve both always worked full time. We’ve struggled with a lot over the years, we lost our house and moved to rented accommodation, sold the house for less than we bought it for but in hindsight it was a moneypit and wasn’t best advised on when and what to buy. So we accumulated some debt selling but didn’t want to be stuck with it so decided that was the best thing to do. Partner struggled with depression and I dealt with it the best I could. There’s so much help for the depressed individual (once they finally seek help), but now years in as we’ve struggled I’ve soon realised after he resents me for not doing enough that no one helps the family of the depressed person. When he came onto medication, and we spoke to the doctor. I took anything that was a burden or an extra challenge and made arrangements to ease things for him and us to allow him to recover in his own time, such as getting a cleaner, getting someone to do the school runs, prepping meals in advance - the usual bickering that’s involved in daily operations of running a family. I invited him to family day trips and encouraged him to go to the gym and made sure he ate well and slept well. I did what I thought was best. 3 years into depression, it was a shock to hear he wanted to leave me. He said I didn’t support him through his depression and isolated him out of the family. This hurt so badly and was such a shock. I was so upset and tried to explain the processes of the last 3 years, to be fair I didn’t expect it to last so long and though eventually he’d get well enough to start picking things back up but didn’t put any pressure on him to do so. And after some deep conversations we decided to try again. To find out a couple of months after he’s had an affair with someone from the gym. My world has been shattered by this point, of all the things we’ve gotten over the last 20 years he’s done a lot of things but he’s always been the most loyal human. And I felt so hurt as you can imagine. After 6 weeks of begging and apologising for failing him he agreed to try again. This happened in January and now he just hates me, he resents me, says I’m forcing him to stay when he doesn’t want to. We are living apart at the moment and I can’t bare it. I can’t bare being separated. The children are pining for him and asking when he’s coming g home. My issue is, I’m cross at him but I understand he was lonely and feel like I can forgive him. But it’s gotten to the point where my ‘abandoning’ him has become more of a thing than him cheating. He just makes me feel like a bad person and I cry every single day second guessing every decision I ever made thinking I was doing what’s best for him, us and the children. My question is, how do we overcome this? It’s 20 years of our life. I’m only 36. I want another 20 years plus with this man. I think what’s this blip in a lifetime? I feel like I’m always trying to convince him! We had a good life, good jobs and brilliant kids. I just don’t understand why we’re not good enough? Please give me some advice and sorry it’s so wordy

You are a goddess, he is a toad.

Stop paying the toad's rent. He can bankroll his own single life if that's what he wants.

I had doubts about posting on here, and took me a lot! I've never posted in a forum before, ever. Doing so was highly embarrassing, but thanks to the few for mocking me. I'm obviously desperate, I'm obviously not thinking straight...hence why coming here in the first place to seek another view as I'm still trying to convince myself and my friends that he's going to have a change of heart.
I've hardly slept, reading everything over and over and some advice I feel is really going to help me.
I'm exhausted by it all, but I still feel like it's for better or worse and that's what I've always believed in so struggling to move from that.

I'm sorry you feel like you are being mocked but I don't think posters are trying to do that just trying to get you to understand your behaviour in constantly putting him first when he quite clearly doesn't want or deserve it. What advice do you think has helped OP?

Its not always easy to hear advice that goes against what you think should be but most of the advice yoit have been given has come from direct experience of your situation and if you go back and read ALL of them are saying the same thing, that you should look into raising your self esteem so you don't behave like you deserve the scraps of a relationship and more importantly your daughter's don't see you accepting the scraps of a relationship because that's what you do in a relationship. Or do you still believe that's what you do? Is anything beginning to get through or make you think just maybe by clinging on you are doing the worst thing possible for your daughters and yourself?

I can see I'm the enabler and I can see now that I'm allowing it, but I'm struggling with what I know I should do and how to actually implement it in daily life.
I've realised I'm scared to make that final call, but I don't know what I'm scared of. I am really worried about being alone, I feel like o did the whole show him what he's missing, kick him out thing and it backfired on me. I just feel like ultimately I can't deal with the rejection and the feeling of not being enough, so trying to prove that I can be enough. There's been large portions of the 20 years where I've disliked him and the cogs turn, so I feel like the cogs will turn. And I know I'm fully having a conversation with myself trying to outside myself...again. This is the cycle of my thought process, daily! It. Does. Not. Go. Away.

No-one is mocking you OP.
It's just with all your updates we feel you now need some 'tough love' from some experienced women who have all been right where you are now.
We have hindsight on our side so we do know what we are talking about.
We all know how tough this is.
We all know that your heart is literally breaking.
We know the physical pain you are feeling.
We've all lost a shit tonne of weight due to not being able to eat.
Honestly - we know your pain.
We are really trying to help.

We are trying to make you see what you are doing is all wrong.
You daughters need to see a strong independent woman who can do fine without some asshole man fucking up her life.
Thousands of us on here have become single mums and 95% of us can say we are much better for getting rid of such a disrespectful man from our lives.
The sooner you show him your strong side the sooner he will realise what he is missing. The sooner he will see his is NOT needed. You won'g grovel. You can manage just fine without him.
And when he comes crawling back on his hands and knees then you can kick him in the face and tell him to fuck off.

It won't go away for ages yet OP.
It took well over a year for me to feel like myself again.
We all 'get over' things at different rates.
Just be kind to yourself.

You've not shown him the 'missing you' thing though.
You've been grovelling, begging and messaging this whole time.
Keep contact the bare minimum.
Keep it factual and about the DC only.
Then you can start to head through that tunnel towards the light.

What hells bells has just said😍 When I was in the exact same situation, cheating scumbag husband, two teenage girls, I came on here and asked for advice because I desperately wanted him,my old life back. I was doing exactly the same as you, thinking I was going to show him what he was missing, obsessing over not letting ow ruin my family, doing the pick me dance, God I was a mess! But posters on here gradually made me question things.
He, like your Husband had checked out years ago, I did all the parents eve, discos, parties, weekends sat on my own in parks watching Dad's parent thier kids. I just tried harder, cooked, cleaned,prioritized his job and went part time in my own. He somehow got me into the mindset I had to run around looking after him and everything else, house, kids basically being his servent and he would deign to stay with me. Ow came along, he treated me atrociously and showed utter contempt for his family, basically threw us all away. I listened to all the posters advice and gradually the scales began to fall.
It wasn't easy. I was scared, panicked , fearful but just by going low contact, putting myself and daughters needs first, I started to see him for what he was, a pathetic manchild who always had one foot in and one out. We deserved much,much better and I can happily say six years on, we are so happy. Both girls gone through uni. One excellent career in Navy, one just finished a law degree and travelling 😃 I'm married again to the most different man possible to the narcissist I was with. I only got here though but putting that first post on here asking for help and gradually listening to the women who had been there before me.
That's why I had to reply to your post, you reminded me so much of me six years ago. You WILL get there OP it just takes the first few baby steps to a happier future for you all

Thank you. Feeling a bit more positive today.

Told him we need to try and talk over the weekend to talk formalities and he said...i don't have the time or the energy to talk about this

So will see what happens and go from there, I had 2 hours sleep last night reading and re reading everything. Cried, cried and cried some more.

Then if he won't talk you make the decisions. Tell him he'll have to cover his rent as from the next payment. Tell him you've applied to the CMS for maintenance. Tell him you've packed up his stuff and could he please get it. Tell him he's welcome to see the kids every other weekend but not at your house.

If he complains just say but you said you didn't have time, we could have done this amicably but you chose not to.

Can you contact a solicitor tomorrow?

Start to get things moving.

You're on a stale mate right now. You need to start taking back control of your life from him.

I think you'll feel a lot better once you do that.

Listen to annielouise.

You need to disengage from him completely. Get all your ducks in a row. Stop paying his rent. Tell the landlord you won’t pay after August (you may be stuck for August, I don’t know your arrangement). Stop him from coming around.

Crying is actually good OP, I cried so much, puffy face for weeks. Listen, nobody is saying disengaging from him is easy, it's not BUT ITS VITAL for you to do this, it's probably one of the hardest things you will do but it's utterly vital that you do. From your last update! Stop just stop putting your life in his hands! If he doesn't have the time or inclination to talk to you then fucking get your anger woman! You need to find your anger my love x

I'm checking out now OP I think you have had loads of really good advice and I put my hard history for you to read X
Believe me when I say, stick with this site, talk and keep talking, keep listening, even if it's not what you want to hear, you are not alone, there is loads of women on here who have come out the other side x

Hello i hope you get a bit of sleep to tonight. The contact is not doing you any good and you need to disconnect from him and let him go. Its horribly painful i know - my exh had an affair and dropped me like a hot potato after 14 yrs marriage saying he was in love with her. It was such a shock. I felt like the man i knew had gone - it looked like him but wasnt him. I grieved and had a terrible few weeks with the grief coming in waves. BUT over time the bad days got less and the good days more frequent. I got fit - I thought about myself. It was liberating. It was many years ago now but it was the making of me! It didnt last with OW.

Confide in some good friends and let them support you. Be kind to yourself and do things that make you feel good. There is life after him honestly. You have to think of yourself as hurt and take the time to heal.

I actually find OP’s behaviour deeply disturbing.
Putting aside how awful the ex’s behaviour is, he has quite clearly expressed that the relationship is over, used some strong language to accentuate this - I don’t agree with being horrible to anyone but it almost sounds like he is forced to do it because no matter what he says to you OP, you keep being delusional.

I left my ex many years ago and he behaved in a similar manner - it was truly awful- begging, crying, declarations of love followed by calling me the most horrible names. Touching me without my permission trying to hug me and cry in my arms. Threatening me. It was truly awful and after a year of this, we unfortunately ended up with the police having to speak to him.
Throughout this it was all about him - how much HE loved me, how HE didn’t want to be alone, what a good husband and father He was, how he gave me years of his life, sacrificed himself. It didn’t matter that I didn’t love him - in his eyes it made me a monster.
I recognise this in this thread and it makes me feel very uncomfortable.

Leave him alone op before it gets too far, you’re not in love- you treat another person like a thing that belongs to you.
Let him go as he has expressed his wish to go.

He doesn’t want to risk you changing things and having to take responsibility for his own life!
He needs to man up now!!!

Have you actually thought about what the person said upthread? You could come across as hassling this man? He has done everything to tell you he is not interested? Are you ignoring his very real emotional instinct to be left alone?

The more I think the more I think this is it! You can't accept he has moved on, welcome to the club love! but hassling him, trying to get him back, is onto a no win situation, love I will say it again ... Get your anger and self esteem x

Let. Him go, he's basically asked you to let him go, you can't keep him by your masochistic behaviour, surely you know this?

QueenCoconut and canyoufeedthedog, I went back and read OP's posts. There's been a back and forth, which is partly why OP is still clinging. I think the depression also plays into her decision. So, I don't think she has been harassing him. I don't think her attempting to win him back, even after all the back and forth, is helping her move on, but that's a completely separate issue.

canyoufeedthedog what a brilliant move forward you have made !

I would advise counselling for you and possibly involve him few times. So you could get help co parenting successfully. It would give you evidence that you really did try to make this hard situation better for your kids. Otherwise, fears of if he tries to duck out of his responsibility to his children, then he would blame you. Gaslight you further. Since you been conditions to believe his gaslight, it might makes it easier emotionally to have a witness that you really did try.

You can't force someone to stay with you. Let him go and concentrated on protecting your kids from his vile behaviour. You can leave the door open for him, but only when he behaves well.

Staggered. Am staggered. Or maybe I shouldn't be.

I've read nearly all pages. NO ONE has said yet the bleeding obvious. This guy is a Narcassist. He has NPD.

Cunning fucker he is. Got right inside the OPs brain. And what does the good old regulars of MN do, they pile on.

Tough love? In the history of the world no one has either 'calmed down' or 'pulled themselves togerher.' Honestly, I get so cross why i see this.

This brave OP needs kindness and care. Her very perception of reality itself has been shook to the core. Yelling at her and hysterically crying 'intervention' is just Tommy rot designed to save face. One wonders how many other people have been treated to their 'kindness'

You cannot enforce a boundary with someone who has NPD. if they don't immediately violate it they will seek to do so at another point. This is your golden lesson OP. You cannot negotiate, or talk to or any of the above. So stop it. Right now.

The ONLY boundary you can set is that of NC. However cos there are kids involved it must be LC. Have a think as to YOUR terms 're contact. Send one email outlining them. Give your reason as to why you are doing it as breakdown of the relationship due to infidelity.

Go immediately to court and get a child arrangement order in place. Cite DA and DV which removes the need for mediation.

You'll get it but don't rest on your laurels. He'll violate it first chance. The onus on you will be to ensure the court enforces the order. That's tough. But do it. Any whiff of an infringement, document it.

You need to stop paying the rent. Before you do that, get a separate bank account and ensure money is paid into there. Then stop it.

The removal of rent will trigger him. Be prepared.

Those are the practicalities. They don't address the deep and profound distress you find yourself in.

Try to see this as a blessing. You found out. You Have the rest of your life to live. You have your children. Youve been really betrayed by both your H and your So called Mum.

[Flowers] x

Been there, seen it all before.

Op - you are pretending we are mocking you in order to disregard our advice.

You don’t need to chat to him about anything. You need to stop contacting him.
All you are doing on this thread is using posters to continue the conversation you can’t have with him, you have not taken on board any advice despite what you say.
Actions speak louder than words.