Help! Recovering after husband cheated

[QueenOfFireFighting]

Ok new to this, I’ve read a million things on fixing things and moving forward but I’m in a real pickle so here goes...
I’ve been with my partner for 20 years this year and 2 children later. We met young at 16 and had our first child at 18. We’ve not really had the family around us to support us, it’s only ever been us. We have had our ups and downs, we’ve both always worked full time. We’ve struggled with a lot over the years, we lost our house and moved to rented accommodation, sold the house for less than we bought it for but in hindsight it was a moneypit and wasn’t best advised on when and what to buy. So we accumulated some debt selling but didn’t want to be stuck with it so decided that was the best thing to do. Partner struggled with depression and I dealt with it the best I could. There’s so much help for the depressed individual (once they finally seek help), but now years in as we’ve struggled I’ve soon realised after he resents me for not doing enough that no one helps the family of the depressed person. When he came onto medication, and we spoke to the doctor. I took anything that was a burden or an extra challenge and made arrangements to ease things for him and us to allow him to recover in his own time, such as getting a cleaner, getting someone to do the school runs, prepping meals in advance - the usual bickering that’s involved in daily operations of running a family. I invited him to family day trips and encouraged him to go to the gym and made sure he ate well and slept well. I did what I thought was best. 3 years into depression, it was a shock to hear he wanted to leave me. He said I didn’t support him through his depression and isolated him out of the family. This hurt so badly and was such a shock. I was so upset and tried to explain the processes of the last 3 years, to be fair I didn’t expect it to last so long and though eventually he’d get well enough to start picking things back up but didn’t put any pressure on him to do so. And after some deep conversations we decided to try again. To find out a couple of months after he’s had an affair with someone from the gym. My world has been shattered by this point, of all the things we’ve gotten over the last 20 years he’s done a lot of things but he’s always been the most loyal human. And I felt so hurt as you can imagine. After 6 weeks of begging and apologising for failing him he agreed to try again. This happened in January and now he just hates me, he resents me, says I’m forcing him to stay when he doesn’t want to. We are living apart at the moment and I can’t bare it. I can’t bare being separated. The children are pining for him and asking when he’s coming g home. My issue is, I’m cross at him but I understand he was lonely and feel like I can forgive him. But it’s gotten to the point where my ‘abandoning’ him has become more of a thing than him cheating. He just makes me feel like a bad person and I cry every single day second guessing every decision I ever made thinking I was doing what’s best for him, us and the children. My question is, how do we overcome this? It’s 20 years of our life. I’m only 36. I want another 20 years plus with this man. I think what’s this blip in a lifetime? I feel like I’m always trying to convince him! We had a good life, good jobs and brilliant kids. I just don’t understand why we’re not good enough? Please give me some advice and sorry it’s so wordy

He is NOT remorseful so why are you giving him another chance?

He basically said I was fat (I’m a size 12) and that she was perfect and he doesn’t find me attractive anymore

Firstly, I need to stop mothering him and telling him what he should be thinking and feeling. I'll give the low contact another go.

Because I do t believe this is his usual behaviour. Or I'm just deluded.
And that woman said, the only way he can leave is if he's horrible to me...so I think we'll be horrible to me, because I'm not having that woman think she's got it right

If it was me, I wouldnt be giving him the choice.

Go away with the girls, spend time together as a family that respects each other and cares for each other. Let him sit at home not being involved because that was his choice when he went with someone else.

But thats just me...

Oh I read all his messages, she was horrid. He'd screen shot all my desperate messages to her and she was saying that he needed to be horrible to me so o get the message. Nice woman

I know, and re the holiday. I've said the older one can bring her best friend if things change

All thats coming across is how bloody amazing and strong you are. You deserve better.

This, with bells on! You've been doing this alone for a long time OP, I know you don't believe this yet but you so do not need this man. I understand your fear, of change and of being without the person you thought was your partner, but he hasn't properly been there for ages now and you're still holding everything together, you can do (are doing) this without any help from him.

And I suggest you have a really honest think about whether you actually love the man he is now as much as you're convincing yourself you do. It's really easy to let fear make you dependent on someone, and even easier to convince yourself that feeling is love. If you had the headspace to sit down and really think about what's to love about this man you would find nothing, only familiarity and habit, and that's codependency, not love.

This is very sad.
But he has made it clear he doesn't want to be with you anymore.
I know there are two sides to every story but he is not coming across as a decent human being from what you've told us.
Far less a good husband and father.
Life without him seems scary , I know , but ultimately will set you free.

You need to implement the 180...

This is not a tool to manipulate. It's to get some self esteem and put you first no matter what the future holds.

The 180

1. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore.
2. No frequent phone calls.
3. Do not point out good points in marriage.
4. Do not follow him/her around the house.
5. Do not encourage talk about the future.
6. Seek support from family members.
7. Do not ask for reassurances.
8. Do not buy gifts.
9. Do not schedule dates together.

10. Do not spy on spouse. 11. Do not say “I Love You”. 12. Act as if you are moving on with your life. 13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive. 14. Don’t sit around waiting on your spouse – get busy, do things, go to church, go out with friends, etc. 15. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words. 16. If you are in the habit of asking your spouse her, /his whereabouts, ASK NOTHING. 17. You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse. 18. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold – just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what she/he will be missing 19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. Show him/her someone he/she would want to be around. 20. All questions about marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while). 21. Never lose your cool. 22. Don’t be overly enthusiastic. 23. Do not argue about how they feel (it only makes their feelings stronger). 24. Be patient 25. Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you. 26. Learn to back off, shut up and possibly walk away. 27. Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil). 28. Be strong and confident. 29. Know that if you can do 180, your smallest CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write. 30. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are desperate and needy. 31. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse. 32. Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because they are hurting and scared. 33. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel. 34. Do not backslide from your hard-earned changes.

Ok so this 180'thing I've never heard of prior to today, and I'm currently doing 95% of these things 😳

You've been with him half your life of course it's going to be hard not having him around. His bullying behaviour and trying to blame you for everything is unforgiveable. He was the one who cheated, not you. You've given him two children and he calls you fat?! (Size 12 isn't even big)

You deserve so much more. You mentioned that your parents split when you were you and you didn't believe your mum fought enough for the marriage. It sounds like you have tried everything.

Has being a shit to you as he wants you angry to make it easier on himself. Don't give him he satisfaction. The pps have given some great advice. Stay strong, you'll get through it.

Please no judgement here, but 2 weeks after I found out he was having an affair, I found out I was pregnant. He convinced me to have an abortion and at that time was the only time he expressed remorse for his actions. Told me he would stay if I had an abortion, I was so desperate to make things work and looked at the bigger picture and did what I thought was best and of course, he's been vile to me ever since. I spent 4 months crying every time I saw anyone pregnant. I felt a massive amount of jealousy when my best friend told me she was pregnant. I have told no one this, out of sheer disgust at myself as it goes against everything I believe in. But now I feel more desperate to make it work because HE TOLD me he'd stay. But I know he only said that because he didn't want another child. So I feel like I've lost everything, i don't want to feel like I've lost the chance of having another child and lost my husband too.

And he didn't support me through the process because he was still talking to that woman. And I feel like he was unable to support me as he was distracted elsewhere which I resent him for. But I'm still hooked on the promise from him that he'd stay if I did that

Oh good god.

I cant type out what I was going to say... other people will be able to word it better. Just know that no judgement on you and all for him! He is an arse and I am sticking with this, you have no reason to feel disgust - unless its aimed at him for giving you such an ultimatum and putting you in that position.

Zero judgement here Op, equally be kind to yourself. You need for your own sake to stop ripping yourself to pieces, you haven't done anything wrong.

He is a liar. He has lied to you for months. Anything he has said to you has been to serve his interests - not yours or your family. Have you asked yourself if you actually want him? The real him I mean, not the one you wish he was. This is not love, he is an awful person.

All of these upset feelings you have - sadness, fear etc - are perfectly normal and everyone who has been in your situation will have been there too. It will pass BUT you are not listening to him . He has made it clear that this relationship has come to an end . You said you had a good life ? You didn't- it sounds shit for large parts of it , sorry. I have also spent about 3 years plus coddling a depressed man and nothing I did was right . It is a huge weight on you and you only realise how much so when you leave and how much it changes you as a person. You are over thinking right now and you seem to think he is going to come back and be with you again ? Why would you even want that ?

Op you deserve so much better than this arse of a man, please find the strength to walk away. You have done so much for him, and he has just thrown it all back in your face, things can never go back to the way they were. My God he manipulated you into having an abortion, that is despicable. Life is short, you are young and have a lifetime in front of you, make the most of it.

OMG he gets worse! He doesn't appear to have any conscience at all. He's a selfish prick who is also a rubbish father, because no decent person would make their kids mother feel so bad about themselves and treat them with such contempt.

I think you should seek therapy for yourself straight away, I'm not sure what it's like in the UK but where I am there are many places are donation based or free if you can't afford a donation.

You need to focus on building yourself up, restoring your self esteem, detaching from him, repairing the damage he caused. Anger and shame will probably come in time. I don't think you should feel ashamed at all btw, but I know personally after leaving an emotionally abusive man shame was one of the hardest emotions I had to deal with, shame that i'd put up with it. It wasn't my fault but it's a feeling that will hit you at some stage no doubt.

Do not seek therapy with a view of finding out why he treats you this way, what you could have done differently or trying to realise what he's thinking.

You need to go down the confidence and self esteem building route and detachment route.

For now what you need is some strength to get you past thinking about this constantly and to be able to detach and focus on yourself rather than him so perhaps initially try CBT or acceptance and committment therapy.

There is absolutely no judgement on you, OP. He is 100% despicable for that.
A promise from a liar, quitter and cheat is worth NOTHING, I'm afraid. He also promised to love you and be faithful to you when he married you. Did he keep that one? Please don't hang on to this.

He needs to move out, PRONTO and go next to zero contact - only discuss kids and finances. Emotional distance is what is going to help you get over him and find some clarity in this situation.

It is utterly cruel of him to be umming and awing over staying or going on holiday with you and he's the one hurting the children, not you.

Oh OP I have just read all of this thread and everyones comments, please read, re-read all the comments they are all valid.
Op you have to take back the power. He has you dangling, he knows he has all the power, he is push, push, pushing almost to see just how much you will take.
He is more than likely relishing this, you are hanging on with your fingernails just hoping he will "see the light" because you love him so much.
Just realise he doesn't love you, he doesn't even care for you I think he is almost enjoying kicking you (metaphorically) and is excited at just how far he can push you.
You need to persuade yourself that he doesn't figure in your future, do NOT take him on holiday have a great time with the DC's away from him, and having to think about him.
You have a lot of life left, you are so very young. I am 30 years older than you, and had to leave someone that I had married when young, it wasn't the end of the world, I deserved so much better, so do you!
Please let go of this millstone round your neck, don't even consider him when making plans for your future, give yourself a talking to, you have done your best, stop flogging a dead horse, just bury it and leave, no-one will stop you mourning but I think you have mourned enough!
Good Luck

Dont you dare blame yourself.

No mental illness excuses this behaviour. The affair clearly started a good while ago

OP, you are obviously an incredibly strong and compassionate person based on everything you have gone through and how long you have propped up your marriage on your own.

It is now time to use your strength and compassion for yourself not your husband. You have been depleted and deleted for far too long.

OP, it sounds like a big part of being a good person, to you, is about rescuing. Could that be? You are deeply embedded in caring for him, worrying about him, protecting him (even now) and in return he is mistreating you and has no care, worry about you. He is causing you huge pain to serve his desires.

You deserve to be alone so you can put your energy into you and your kids. Trust me - after a marriage like yours, this will be way easier being a single mum than what you have been doing.

And in time, you and the kids will adjust and the energy and positivity will not be swapped out of your household.

And while I know you are not ready to think about this, in time you will also find a partner who gives, who cares for your wellbeing, who puts energy in and makes you happy.

You are only thirty six, and yes this has been twenty years of your life (and you will always have too wonderful children to make that time worthwhile - never a failure)..... you are young and with a successful career - fantastic! the question is not the last twenty years but the next 50! That is a ton of time to build and enjoy a new and happy life, rather than hold on to an old, painful one. You can do it!

After 6 weeks of begging and apologising for failing him he agreed to try again
WTAF?
He cheats.
And you have to apologise.
He breaks his wedding vows and YOU have to apologise.

For your sake and for your DCs, leave the bastard.

He has done a total number on you, babe... And you're right. He hates you. That's the only explanation for why he treats you so badly. Why does he hate you? He needs to to justify his behaviour. He's a total arse. He is treating the mother of his children with utter contempt. You need to return the favour. Grow a spine and show your children that you deserve better. Imagine that you are giving your daughters advice! What do you want for them - THIS??? This is not love!!!