Help! Recovering after husband cheated

[QueenOfFireFighting]

Ok new to this, I’ve read a million things on fixing things and moving forward but I’m in a real pickle so here goes...
I’ve been with my partner for 20 years this year and 2 children later. We met young at 16 and had our first child at 18. We’ve not really had the family around us to support us, it’s only ever been us. We have had our ups and downs, we’ve both always worked full time. We’ve struggled with a lot over the years, we lost our house and moved to rented accommodation, sold the house for less than we bought it for but in hindsight it was a moneypit and wasn’t best advised on when and what to buy. So we accumulated some debt selling but didn’t want to be stuck with it so decided that was the best thing to do. Partner struggled with depression and I dealt with it the best I could. There’s so much help for the depressed individual (once they finally seek help), but now years in as we’ve struggled I’ve soon realised after he resents me for not doing enough that no one helps the family of the depressed person. When he came onto medication, and we spoke to the doctor. I took anything that was a burden or an extra challenge and made arrangements to ease things for him and us to allow him to recover in his own time, such as getting a cleaner, getting someone to do the school runs, prepping meals in advance - the usual bickering that’s involved in daily operations of running a family. I invited him to family day trips and encouraged him to go to the gym and made sure he ate well and slept well. I did what I thought was best. 3 years into depression, it was a shock to hear he wanted to leave me. He said I didn’t support him through his depression and isolated him out of the family. This hurt so badly and was such a shock. I was so upset and tried to explain the processes of the last 3 years, to be fair I didn’t expect it to last so long and though eventually he’d get well enough to start picking things back up but didn’t put any pressure on him to do so. And after some deep conversations we decided to try again. To find out a couple of months after he’s had an affair with someone from the gym. My world has been shattered by this point, of all the things we’ve gotten over the last 20 years he’s done a lot of things but he’s always been the most loyal human. And I felt so hurt as you can imagine. After 6 weeks of begging and apologising for failing him he agreed to try again. This happened in January and now he just hates me, he resents me, says I’m forcing him to stay when he doesn’t want to. We are living apart at the moment and I can’t bare it. I can’t bare being separated. The children are pining for him and asking when he’s coming g home. My issue is, I’m cross at him but I understand he was lonely and feel like I can forgive him. But it’s gotten to the point where my ‘abandoning’ him has become more of a thing than him cheating. He just makes me feel like a bad person and I cry every single day second guessing every decision I ever made thinking I was doing what’s best for him, us and the children. My question is, how do we overcome this? It’s 20 years of our life. I’m only 36. I want another 20 years plus with this man. I think what’s this blip in a lifetime? I feel like I’m always trying to convince him! We had a good life, good jobs and brilliant kids. I just don’t understand why we’re not good enough? Please give me some advice and sorry it’s so wordy

You need to suddenly be a good actress and encourage him cheerfully to bugger off , it’s hard but will be good for self esteem and probably knock him for six. Idiots like this get a boost I think from being ‘fought over’ . Draw up a list of stuff you would like to do whilst not having to accommodate someone else’s piss poor behaviour. Do some self maintenance to lift you, be it hair, nails, whatever! Any grieving stuff, do when he isn’t around, biggest revenge you can do!!

Oh sweetheart, he is tearing you apart piece by piece. His depression is no excuse. You really need to switch into self protection mode.
You’ve tolerated his bad behaviour for long enough, and though it hurts, it’s time to shut him down and put yourself and your children first.
In the grand scheme of life you are still very young. You can be happy again without him.

Do you think you could be strong enough to tell him not to come on the holiday?
It would be perfect as you will have some time away from seeing him or reacting to him.
I think the holiday would be a huge setback for you and confusing for your youngest child. I also doubt your eldest would want him there.

Look he’s treated you appallingly but sending screen shots of your messages to your DD and involving her in his sick mind games is emotional abuse.

Your DDs will be fine if you split, finalise the details and move forwards in a positive way. The mind games are what will damage them.

Time to get angry. Tell his family the facts. Tell him it’s over and only to contact you re details of the split and contact with the DC. Take some time to process this new reality and get all the support of your friends and keep strong. You can’t love someone who has done these things to you, it’s all about fear of the unknown.

Make the break, it will be 1000x better than this mess.

I think I've got used to trying to protect him and think he's hidden behind the fact I so desperately want us to work, so maybe feels he can act a certain way knowing I'll never walk away?
I think I just need to stop mothering him, and maybe that's where it went wrong along the way. The excitement went and I just looked after him. And maybe that's something I carried over from my parents. I saw my mum didn't really care, never really try and she didn't really take care of my dad enough, so maybe that affected how I've managed in my relationship and thought that's what's most important.
I've almost forgotten what's acceptable and what isn't, I've just been in the mindset that I'll keep fighting for him as long as I love him. But slowly realising after posting on here that it's an attachment thing. And I know I don't need him necessarily but I want him. But I think that's because I'm sure eventually he'll have this wave of regret and guilt and spend his life making it up to me...when in reality I know that won't happen ☹️

I've already told the girls today, that it's a girls holiday and they're half about that. He's coming over after work today as they'd arranged to make him his favourite dinner 💔
I'll re read everything tonight and make myself some notes on what my expectations are and make a plan for the next 6 months.
I find I message him whenever I'm feeling down and expect some reassurance that we'll be ok and then get upset with myself when I don't get the answers I was hoping for. He said last week that he thought I didn't care, and he's shocked by my reaction as he thought I was done. I've just tried to be strong for too long and maybe given the vibe I'm fine by myself. And of course I am, and I know I will be but I feel heavily guilt ridden when he says this and second guess everything and I've beat myself up for the last 6 months and a total different side of me has come out and I don't like it. I've never felt vulnerable in my whole life like I do now

Fucking hell, this is one of the most shocking threads I've read on here.

After 6 weeks of begging and apologising for failing him he agreed to try again

OP this man has abused and gaslighted you so much that your sense of reality/normal is distorted. You need to go as low contact as you possibly can before he utterly destroys what's left of you.

So when you get that urge to message him come here instead and we will talk you down and keep you strong. Whatever the future holds where he's concerned it sounds like you've realised the dynamic has to change.

You need to learn how to be happy independently of him whether you end up together or not, because the current imbalance means it can never work in its present form. You have sacrificed your own happiness trying to enable his and the result is that neither of you is happy.

Not that I think you should be doing anything with a view to being with him, he's nowhere near good enough for you but the advice applies either way. It's time to stop trying to make him happy and make yourself happy instead

@Rainonmyguitar
I agree, I cannot believe OP is desperate to be with an utter scum of a man, who bullied her into an abortion, had an affair, lied, manipulated and on and on. Jesus wept woman find your self respect and listen to what every single person has said, stay away from him; there’s no marriage to save.

Queen of Fire, you knocked the nail on the head. It is not a woman's job to take care of a man..... He should take care of himself. You should be caring at times, but that is different from taking care of him - as you say you are not his mother.

I think you are right that is the dynamic you have built together. I have said in another thread that weak men tend to invite and encourage this mothering, but then deep down they also get angry at it and end up taking revenge, while you become desexualised, and the parent-like figure who shouldn't have feelings when they rebel and who should let them go when they suddenly think they want freedom.

I got very stuck in this dynamic with my ex husband and he also left without any notice for a much younger woman (who made him feel big and powerful again - He will probably soon turn her into a mother too, as he has never really learned to be fully adult....)

People like this always tend to think it is the other people making them that way - so they think they can fix themselves by changing the people around them.... doesn't work of course.

I am sorry this is happening to you.

The good news is I am now three years on, out the other end, with happy well adjusted daughter and a great new grown up man who actually looks after himself and helps me have a good life! There really is life and light at the end of the tunnel - I promise!

Fucking hell, this is one of the most shocking threads I've read on here

I have to agree with you rainonmyguitar.

OP, you are still talking around all this - there is no point. He is fucking with your mind and you are letting him . Please walk away from this .

OP please stop torturing yourself by trying to understand this man! You never will.

Having a mental health illness such as depression is not an excuse to shag about and it’s also not an excuse to speak to someone like shit by calling them fat etc.

Please for the sake of your kids pull yourself together. You need to find your self respect. I know this is hard because you have been together so long. I can relate to you about the messaging to see if thinks will ever be ok between you and not getting the answers you want. I was the same.

How I helped myself move on is only talked to him about our DS and got excited about all the things I am going to do in my life without him which will be amazing (like get my own house and decorate it the way I want)

You say you had a really good life with him, but looking after someone for three years by doing most of the childcare, cooking, cleaning was leaving him with a lot of free time and headspace and instead of taking advantage of that by fully engaging in therapy (you said he went...on and off?) he’s used his spare energy to shag about.

He’s taking the absolute piss out of you! I’m sorry.

Please kick him the fuck out and don’t let him back in.

Your life will in time be so bloody peaceful without treading on eggshells and babying a man child who won’t take responsibility for his own mental health.

I was your 10 year old. My mum was a bit further along than you - years of his emotional needs being the only ones that mattered, of carrying all the parenting responsibilities (she's always said being a single parent was easier because she didn't have to pretend she was doing it as a team or make excuses) and several affairs meant she didn't love him but she Did want a nice unbroken home for us. When she finally couldn't do it any more I told her I'd hate her forever and never forgive her for abandoning him. She told me it was an adult decision and she wasn't giving me the responsibility of that at 10 (don't know what words she actually used). She was right and I'm sorry.

You know you've gone over and above right? He sends you screenshots of his dd telling him how she feels about his actions and expects you to fix. I bet you've been his emotional crutch and he just thinks that's your job. Fuck him, honestly.

Since the divorce (nearly 30 years) my mum has had some amazing experiences. Made amazing friends. Achieved her dream career. You're a decade younger than she was. It isn't ok now but it will be

I feel like I'm torturing myself.

And you are. You are the masochist and he is the sadist.

The more you are treated badly, the more traumatically attached you get. Google trauma bond. And get familiar with narcissistic abuse.

The only solution is to go NO CONTACT and to wean yourself off your obsession with him (through trauma)

Thanks all for your advice.
I still can't shift the feeling that I'm not ready, and I'm upset with the thought he's forcing me to be a single mum when I don't want to be. Maybe he is my comfort blanket? I've just googled trauma bond and I think that's it, it resonates with me but even still today when he came, I cried and begged as he left. I really had words with myself to be stronger than that today after reading everyone's advice. But as soon as he was leaving, something comes over me that is uncontrollable and I couldn't stop myself. And then obviously now I'm annoyed at myself for stooping. I just don't understand! I've given him my life, I'm paying his rent at the moment and never ask him for a thing and he walks away happy as Larry without a second glance.
I even messaged this woman back in January and was so diplomatic thinking maybe she didn't know the extent of our relationship, so said something along the lines of...I'm not sure what you're involvement is with my husband but please show my family some respect and allow us the space to figure our family out. And she screen shot it with laughing emojis to him

Wow. I hate your husband and I don't even know him.

What an utter knob.

You have done everything possible. Everything.

You sound amazing. You're a real catch.

He, on the other hand, is an utter and total fucktard.

Look. Let him go. Let him fuck off.

Sorry. Posted too soon.

Let him go and make a mess of his own life.

You feel like hell now. Of course you do. You gave it your all. To him.

Now you give your all to your children and to you.

See a solicitor pronto. Find out what is what.

Make sure sure any joint monies can't be cleared out by him.

And be icy. Polite but icy.

You cannot give him anymore. He's a vampire, bleeding you dry.

I know it's wretched. Really hideous. But it's all because of him. And his problems. His dramas.

And he's pulled the rug from under you and your children. How fucking dare he?

Never again. You owe that to yourself and your children.

Why are you paying his rent - I’m sorry but he is taking you for a right mug - your taking all his crap and paying his rent. What message are you teaching your children. Get rid of him please.

Because I originally told him we needed space, and he should move out whilst we figured it out. He said he couldn't afford to do so. So I found somewhere that accepted a month by month tenancy as the flat was on the market to sell so suited them. Initially I just thought he'd miss us and express remorse and realise what he's done and all that jazz. But he's gotten too comfortable with living alone, we go days/weeks without seeing him and it's just confirms for him I suppose that he won't miss us.
I have mentioned that I wouldn't be paying the rent on two properties and he will eventually have to pay maintenance which I've checked the gov site and seems to be an awful lot! But we do have some shared debt from the house which isn't a lot but we have maybe 13 months left to pay for that? Which he pays for so it works out about equal. But I'm paying more out at the moment.

Geez Op you need to grow a backbone and asap.
STOP paying his rent. STOP crying and pleading as he does not give a crap. He is taking the absolute piss. You are a joke in both his and his gym girlfriends eyes.
Show your kids that this treatment is not acceptable for future relationships they may have.
Get to your solicitor and take him for everything you can. Show them who's boss!

I know he's made a massive mess of everything, and that's why I'm always hoping he'll realise? I've tried to be quiet in the background but he's just at the point of finding my presence annoying and finds my tears intolerable ☹️

Please keep reading and re reading all the advice in this thread. You WILL find your anger and you WILL realise what a complete and utter twatbag he is.

Big hugs but STOP paying his rent. You do realise he's more than likely shagging the OW at the place that you are paying for.
Tell him to fuck right off and go LC. I'm so angry for you. Xx

But then that seems so final and I don't want him to have to struggle. And in a pathetic way, I feel like he still needs me whilst I'm paying his rent....and I know I've typed it and I know that's pathetic. I don't know. I've literally offered the world, offered to morph into a different human and promised the world. I'm really really really scared to call the shots and make the final decision. What if he then says....you've kicked me out, promised the world and then stopped paying the rent? 🥺🥺🥺