Help! Recovering after husband cheated

[QueenOfFireFighting]

Ok new to this, I’ve read a million things on fixing things and moving forward but I’m in a real pickle so here goes...
I’ve been with my partner for 20 years this year and 2 children later. We met young at 16 and had our first child at 18. We’ve not really had the family around us to support us, it’s only ever been us. We have had our ups and downs, we’ve both always worked full time. We’ve struggled with a lot over the years, we lost our house and moved to rented accommodation, sold the house for less than we bought it for but in hindsight it was a moneypit and wasn’t best advised on when and what to buy. So we accumulated some debt selling but didn’t want to be stuck with it so decided that was the best thing to do. Partner struggled with depression and I dealt with it the best I could. There’s so much help for the depressed individual (once they finally seek help), but now years in as we’ve struggled I’ve soon realised after he resents me for not doing enough that no one helps the family of the depressed person. When he came onto medication, and we spoke to the doctor. I took anything that was a burden or an extra challenge and made arrangements to ease things for him and us to allow him to recover in his own time, such as getting a cleaner, getting someone to do the school runs, prepping meals in advance - the usual bickering that’s involved in daily operations of running a family. I invited him to family day trips and encouraged him to go to the gym and made sure he ate well and slept well. I did what I thought was best. 3 years into depression, it was a shock to hear he wanted to leave me. He said I didn’t support him through his depression and isolated him out of the family. This hurt so badly and was such a shock. I was so upset and tried to explain the processes of the last 3 years, to be fair I didn’t expect it to last so long and though eventually he’d get well enough to start picking things back up but didn’t put any pressure on him to do so. And after some deep conversations we decided to try again. To find out a couple of months after he’s had an affair with someone from the gym. My world has been shattered by this point, of all the things we’ve gotten over the last 20 years he’s done a lot of things but he’s always been the most loyal human. And I felt so hurt as you can imagine. After 6 weeks of begging and apologising for failing him he agreed to try again. This happened in January and now he just hates me, he resents me, says I’m forcing him to stay when he doesn’t want to. We are living apart at the moment and I can’t bare it. I can’t bare being separated. The children are pining for him and asking when he’s coming g home. My issue is, I’m cross at him but I understand he was lonely and feel like I can forgive him. But it’s gotten to the point where my ‘abandoning’ him has become more of a thing than him cheating. He just makes me feel like a bad person and I cry every single day second guessing every decision I ever made thinking I was doing what’s best for him, us and the children. My question is, how do we overcome this? It’s 20 years of our life. I’m only 36. I want another 20 years plus with this man. I think what’s this blip in a lifetime? I feel like I’m always trying to convince him! We had a good life, good jobs and brilliant kids. I just don’t understand why we’re not good enough? Please give me some advice and sorry it’s so wordy

You deserve so much better. You really do. It is not easy to help someone with depression and by the sounds of it you did everything absolutely perfectly and helped more than most people would have. How dare he treat you that way and make out you didn't do enough and then use it as an excuse for an affair. I'm so mad on your behalf!!

He knows exactly what he's done so of course he doesn't want the world to know that he's a selfish, cheating man-child.

Don't mistake that shame for anything else though, it doesn't mean that he deep down wants to save your relationship, he doesn't. You already know this because he's told you, it's just unbearably painful to face up to.

As awful as you are feeling now, please believe me when I tell you that staying with someone who can hurt you like this will ultimately be so much worse. There is nothing lonelier than being with someone who just doesn't care for you, even on the most basic level.

He is not your friend and he is not who you fell in love with. Take your time to grieve for everything you thought you would have but do not give up any more of your dignity, show your DC how adult women deal with being treated in a shitty manner. Be their example of a decent human being because their father is a piss poor one.

They're 10 and 17, 17 year old is giving it the screw him approach and the 10 year old is hounding the pair of us to not quit and fail because she'll never talk to us again and so on

What you love OP is the familiar and the shared history etc, the problem is the guy you loved is no longer ‘that guy’ , he has mentally moved on in his head and actually isn’t now quite the nice person you thought he was. Someone telling you at size 12 you are fat and actually saying he doesn’t want to be there has clearly checked out the relationship. Now it may be simply that a dose of ‘new grass’ chemicals has flooded his brain and caused him not to think straight or he may genuinely be bored/depressed/areshole but whichever it is it shows no kindness or respect and you need to get some spirit , think positive and tell him he clearly needs to move on so you accept that. Initially you will be sad and panicky, after a while you may actually think- you know what ‘bollocks to him’ and how dare he blame you at all!!! Let’s be honest who wants someone around who really doesn’t want to be there, that’s no way to live.

Try no contact at all. Tell people it's over. Starting with yourself. See how it feels to spend one dayinwhich you do not allow yourself to think feel or do anything related to him. Stop acting from fear and desperation. If you create some space in your head you will make room for other thoughts and feelings. Such as anger, relief, and maybe hope, and maybe a sense of yourself which has nothing to do with him. Go see your GP and ask for help such as a referral for some counselling sessions.

He isnt telling anyone because its not important enough for him to tell people, he isnt wasting his (obviously very important) time worrying about sorting it out. Its not because he still cares, he just cant be bothered. Its harsh and it hurts but you can do this and you are still young, find someone who treats you like a fellow human being and respects you.

Also you say your kids are pining for him, it is far better that a line is drawn under it and they are told you are splitting up, the pining will stop as they come to accept it.
Pretty much every thread on here where people are afraid of splitting up mentions the belief that the kids will be heartbroken, so upset, won't get over it etc.
but ask any woman who did make the break how the kids are a little bit down the line when they've adapted to the new reality and got used to the idea..the kids are fine, they are doing great, the home is a far nicer environment for them to be in!

Fear of change is okay. You can definitely deal with that fear. I get it.

It's hard to make yourself really understand that the central person in your life just doesn't love you. It's very painful. I found the Chump Lady book useful.
Look up codependent relationships too.

This isn’t what love looks like. I promise you. He’s treating you so badly and you’re trapped in the cycle of begging him to stay rather than stopping to think whether you actually want this. You’re guaranteeing yourself a miserable life.

You've been doing the "pick me" dance which is entirely the wrong thing to do in this circumstance. The cheater loses all respect for their betrayed spouse and starts despising them. It also leads to damage to your own self esteem.

As a betrayed spouse, you're instinct is to preserve the status quo and try and be a better wife to convince him to stay. Stop that right away. Have a look at the surviving infidelity website and the 180 approach. Cut him dead, no running after him, business like interactions about the kids and that's it.

You can't reconcile with an unremorseful cheater. None of this is your fault, you sound pretty awesome, he's just a broken, weak person with no morales or boundaries. Take care.

Ok that is not a nice thing to hear from your 10 year old, but you need to be firm and not let that sway you.
I'm not in the UK but in my country there is a counselling service available in some schools for children dealing with family breakdowns, is there anything in your area or even someone you can speak to for advice about this about how to stay firm and what to say.

Thanks everyone. Your words really are what I needed to hear, even though I've been sat in my car the last 90 minutes crying. My friend advised me to post on here as it's easier hearing from people you don't know

Lean on your friends at this time, you will need them. Listen to them, because they love you and want you to be happy. You...can...do...this!

Mental illnesses make the person selfish, they can't see beyond their issues and often completely ignore the needs of their partner.

It doesn't sound like he's over it and it may not even be depression by the sounds of things. If he can't cope with the emotional side of things then he still has a lot to work through. Perhaps his cheating was a knee-jerk reaction to everything as he was seeking validation but it hurt you. Whatever you decide to do please put yourself first. It's your turn to be selfish and think of your emotional wellbeing. You can keep giving but your emotional reserves will eventually run low. You need to be well for you and for your kids. It's OK to feel ashamed, but it's also time to put steps into place ti feel empowered again.

At some level you must have a glimmering of wanting something different and better. Move towards that feeling. Stop obsessing about hanging on to what has become utterly miserable and degrading.

I remember when I split from my ex (it was very different circumstances), I was just wishing so much I could fast forward to 3 months down the line or 6 months and just get past the hard bit. Unfortunately that's not possible, but when you ride it out things will get better, then your new life can begin.
Lean on people as much as you need, seek counselling, post on here as much as you want to! There will always be someone here for you!
We would all love to hear you happy in a few months!

You are in control of your thoughts and feelings OP.

It's totally normal to feel "mortified and devastated" because you are still in shock. I get it. I've been there and it took me 6 months to file for divorce and I felt exactly the same as you did - like we could get through anything together. Sometimes it takes time to let settle what's actually happened and what you need to do. This is how I went about it:

• I set myself a timeline of 6 months (didn't tell him), after which point I would file for divorce
• Over those 6 months I worked with an amazing therapist to figure out what I needed from a relationship as a minimum
• I also reconnected with old friends, did some exciting things while he had the kids on his weekends (he had moved out), and tried to reconnect with MYSELF
• After 4 months I realised that my minimum requirements for a marriage weren't even close to being met (I needed someone who loved me, would communicate with me, and work at it with me)
• So, I filed for divorce

It's still sad and tragic and difficult sometimes but you have to believe that you are worth more than this. Because you are.

Find something positive to think about. Concentrate hard on that image. Every single time your mind drifts to fuckhead think of your positive image. And concentrate the fuck out of it.

Thank you. It just hurts so much. We're 6 months in and it's still so painful. I look at him and just want to save him and want him to be happy with us. He's been awful the last 3 years and there's been times I wanted to get up and go because it was soooo hard, I felt like a single parent, I felt like I was juggling all the plates, in 3 years hadn't been to one parents evening, one sports day, one school play...it was so tiring, but I was strong enough to know he wasn't well and stuck it out, because that's what a loving partner does right? So I'm really upset that through ALL that, he hates me? I had to dig really deep some days to get the small glimmer of hope that things will eventually get better. So I'm devastated after that, he just wants to go live another life. That's what hurts

All thats coming across is how bloody amazing and strong you are. You deserve better.

He is not enough for you, not the the other way around and one day you will realise this.

He doesn't need to be saved.
This man should be thanking you for being so supportive. He should be grateful that he had you by his side to be there for him. He should be grateful that you carried the load through the tough times. He should look at you and the kids and feel like the luckiest man to have a beautiful family and want to show you all his love and appreciation.

But he doesn't....and it's not because you're not good enough, it's because he's a prick!!!!!! His behaviour and the way he's treating you is not a reflection on you. It's only a reflection on him!

We've booked a holiday in the summer with the girls. I was going to take the girls on my own, my daughter asked if he was coming and he said yes?! We all sat and booked it together, although he was not interested at all really. I tried to get excited about it, the girls were excited but in the end I said...listen no ones forcing you to go anywhere, we will have a great time without you...don't make out we're forcing you to tag along, he ended up saying just book it and he was coming. Which then gives false hope to me and the girls. Because his actions don't match the words. One minute I think, right it's done DONE. Then I get a glimmer of hope that he's still checked in and it's confusing.

Anyway, thanks everyone! This has been like therapy

He sounds like a massive prick.

I hope you find the strength to leave him and find happiness x