Help! Recovering after husband cheated

[QueenOfFireFighting]

Ok new to this, I’ve read a million things on fixing things and moving forward but I’m in a real pickle so here goes...
I’ve been with my partner for 20 years this year and 2 children later. We met young at 16 and had our first child at 18. We’ve not really had the family around us to support us, it’s only ever been us. We have had our ups and downs, we’ve both always worked full time. We’ve struggled with a lot over the years, we lost our house and moved to rented accommodation, sold the house for less than we bought it for but in hindsight it was a moneypit and wasn’t best advised on when and what to buy. So we accumulated some debt selling but didn’t want to be stuck with it so decided that was the best thing to do. Partner struggled with depression and I dealt with it the best I could. There’s so much help for the depressed individual (once they finally seek help), but now years in as we’ve struggled I’ve soon realised after he resents me for not doing enough that no one helps the family of the depressed person. When he came onto medication, and we spoke to the doctor. I took anything that was a burden or an extra challenge and made arrangements to ease things for him and us to allow him to recover in his own time, such as getting a cleaner, getting someone to do the school runs, prepping meals in advance - the usual bickering that’s involved in daily operations of running a family. I invited him to family day trips and encouraged him to go to the gym and made sure he ate well and slept well. I did what I thought was best. 3 years into depression, it was a shock to hear he wanted to leave me. He said I didn’t support him through his depression and isolated him out of the family. This hurt so badly and was such a shock. I was so upset and tried to explain the processes of the last 3 years, to be fair I didn’t expect it to last so long and though eventually he’d get well enough to start picking things back up but didn’t put any pressure on him to do so. And after some deep conversations we decided to try again. To find out a couple of months after he’s had an affair with someone from the gym. My world has been shattered by this point, of all the things we’ve gotten over the last 20 years he’s done a lot of things but he’s always been the most loyal human. And I felt so hurt as you can imagine. After 6 weeks of begging and apologising for failing him he agreed to try again. This happened in January and now he just hates me, he resents me, says I’m forcing him to stay when he doesn’t want to. We are living apart at the moment and I can’t bare it. I can’t bare being separated. The children are pining for him and asking when he’s coming g home. My issue is, I’m cross at him but I understand he was lonely and feel like I can forgive him. But it’s gotten to the point where my ‘abandoning’ him has become more of a thing than him cheating. He just makes me feel like a bad person and I cry every single day second guessing every decision I ever made thinking I was doing what’s best for him, us and the children. My question is, how do we overcome this? It’s 20 years of our life. I’m only 36. I want another 20 years plus with this man. I think what’s this blip in a lifetime? I feel like I’m always trying to convince him! We had a good life, good jobs and brilliant kids. I just don’t understand why we’re not good enough? Please give me some advice and sorry it’s so wordy

Well I just think they feel like they can't get through to me, so suggested I post here for another angle as I feel like they feel like we're having the same conversations. I've never posted in a forum ever in my life.
We've been offered relate counselling but he doesn't want to go
Obviously they think not greatly of him at the moment, so definitely haven't told them I'm paying his rent and only two of my closest know I had a termination but are confused by what I'm allowing as acceptable. I'm too scared to tell the whole truth because I'm embarrassed. And I feel like a massive hypocrite, I've dished out advice over the years, supported friends and my staff through heartache and breakups but can't seem get to grips with my own life

You are clinging to him but its over. Im sorry to be blunt but you are in denial. Its stage 1 then its anger which you need to move to. I know its scary you dont want the future without him, you want to go back but you cant. You havent failed he has failed you! It gets better its hard to imagine but it will get better. You need to think about YOU not him. Im sorry its horrible but trust me you will come through it xx

I found this book helpful www.amazon.co.uk/How-Mend-Your-Broken-Heart/dp/0593050533?tag=mumsnetforu03-21

I've just ordered the book, thank you.

I had started writing a diary to divert my thoughts from messaging him but then I get so upset I message him anyway to tell him how upset I am 🙈

He's not your stupid moron. He's that other woman's.

Is this for real?

I think that unfortunately, in a horrible sort of way, the OW was right about him needing to be unkind to you. Not of course in the way that he has been (he’s behaved appallingly), but I think that you needed to hear him clearly and directly say that your relationship is 100% over and that there is never going to be any hope of a future for the two of you. Unkind to be kind. Anything else and you’re going to talk yourself into believing that there’s hope for this relationship when there isn’t. I don't mean this unkindly, but the levels of self-deceit you've shown on this thread is quite staggering. He's physically left your home, is sleeping with someone else, told you he'd be happy if you were sleeping with someone else and yet you still carry on believing that this isn't the end.

It’s upsetting to see the knots you’re tying yourself up in trying to work out an acceptable narrative for his unacceptable behaviour. You are totally focused on him suffering from depression as the cause of everything. It may have contributed, but I don’t think that the emotional cowardice which he has shown is a symptom of anything but itself. There are few qualities less attractive in a person than emotional cowardice and this man seems to be imbued with industrial quantities. He can see the state you are in and has selfishly let things continue. Why on earth is he agreeing to let you continue to pay his rent? If he had an emotional spine/ounce of decency he would have ended things and then reduced contact with you to an absolute minimal so that you wouldn’t be able to carry on with false hope like you have been. I think you're scared to stop paying his rent as in some way it gives you a hold over him still?

I hope you can get to a point where you see his behaviour for what it is. This is someone who has tossed your long term relationship aside for some random he met at the gym. This, and his inability to properly leave one relationship before starting the next, isn’t the stuff of great love stories in the way that you want to believe it is. You can’t fix this and he isn’t going to “realise”. He does not love you any more. He's already gone.

Your post and updates are tellingly all about this man’s wants and needs. I don’t even know him and I’m bored by how much everyone around him seems to be focused on his needs. What about you? What does he have to offer you? Even if you manage to somehow beg him into agreeing to stay again, what will happen? Stuck in a house with someone who doesn't want to be there? Trundling on like this for another 20 years? Treading water isn’t a skill to be celebrated, or a sensible way to live your life. There's so much better out there for you if you give yourself a chance. I think you need individual counselling to be honest as there is a lot going on here that isn't just all about this man. I think working through it with a professional could be invaluable for you really (and I'm not usually a "get you to counselling!" kind of a poster).

I know this is the last thing you want to hear OP but I honestly think you need to go completely NC (or as close to as DC allow), you can't think logically because seeing him is messing with your head all the time.

So the first thing I would do is look at reducing the amount you have to see him. Not sure what your set-up is with him seeing DC but it needs to be set times, preferably not at your house but if it has to be then you need to not be there. If someone else can do handover that would be best but if that's not possible you need to be going out as he comes in.

Don't look at it as depriving yourself of his company, look at it as saving yourself the upset and begging when he leaves. I think you'll be surprised how much more clearly you will be able to think with a little distance, I'd put money on you finding your anger too. I know it will be hard but please give it a try, I honestly think it's the first step to you starting to feel better

Aside from anything else, he doesn't want to be with you and you can't make him want to be with you OP.

Yes he has behaved appallingly but the first thing you need to face is that it's over. You will manage without him.

Bit too obvious now

Why are you paying his rent? I bet you are paying his gym fees too. He will develop much better self esteem if he starts paying his own bloody way.

I don't know how to highlight a post but my God keep re-reading MissRhubarb's post. It is spot on!

Oh OP,this man has truly done a number on you, he is gaslighting you majorly.

Where's your self respect, self esteem and self worth?

You're mind in the FOG triad (fear, obligation, guilt) which is why you are reacting the way you do, the www.outofthefog.net site will help you. You should also read Susan Forward's "Men Who Hate Women, and the Women Who Love Them".

This man will never change, his depression isn't an excuse for his behaviour.

Very best wishes.

He is using you.

Stop paying his rent. Stop enabling him. He isn’t depressed with the OW, or she wouldn’t be the OW.

You will survive this and come out if it stronger. Tell him he’s on his own financially. Stop paying all his bills. In fact, if he’s working, get child maintenance from him.

Go get counselling to explore why you have let him treat you like a doormat, and to build your self esteem. Join a gym yourself. Your self worth will increase with physical fitness.

You’re not ready for another relationship. Work on you. Work through the loss of your marriage. When you have gone through the stages of grieving, you will be ready to find someone who will love and cherish you.

Incidentally, once the OW has him, I predict she won’t want him.

Good luck!

Your problem OP is you met him when you were sixteen. Having done the same thing myself, I really believe meeting someone at a young age and continuing the relationship into adulthood is a huge mistake. You can’t see that you can emotionally make it on your own so you are frightened to let go.

I met my exh at sixteen, I knew even at that age that it would have been better to meet him when I was ten years older. I left him after he was unfaithful even though it took me years in my mind to think we wouldn’t be together forever. One thing I noticed about him is he has never had a day since he was a teenager as a single person. I believe everyone as an adult needs time as a single person to know themselves, not the other half of a couple.

If I was you knowing what I know now I would go and get myself hypnotised or do something to alter your mindset. Concentrate on building a great life for your DDs, stop paying his rent and stop having him coming around for dinner. Stop treating him like a son who is trying to cut his mother’s apron strings. Show your DDs how a strong woman acts when her OH treats her like a piece of shit.

One more thing, you have to be very clear with your youngest DD that you will never be getting back with her DF. She needs to know as soon as possible. Save her the angst of wanting her parents to be together, don’t give her false hope.

What is the Tinder rubbish? Why did you even bother?

You don’t need to look for a replacement, nor do u need sex.

I agree with others who said this is the worse thread they’ve read on here.

OP - you are in an emotionally abusive relationship.

You need to stop lying to yourself and making excuses.

Do everything on the 180 and for fucks sake pull your head out of your arse.

So you are being needy, and clingy and desperate.
Can you imagine how he sees that?
It must be a real turn off.
He will be thinking you are pathetic.
You aren't. You are going through hell.
But for the love of god stop with all this bullshit.
He's a cunt!
The sooner you realise this the better.
Set an example to your DC that you are strong woman.
Stop begging and pleading.
It's the most unattractive side of you to show him.
Show him you don't give a shit.
We all know you do but you need to fake it 'til you make it!

Do something productive today.
Call a solicitor and make an appointment.
Then cancel the payments for his rent.
WTF are you doing that?
Stop trying to win him back.
Stop doing the pick me dance.

Pick up your self-respect and dignity from the floor and start to realise how much better you life will be without this fuckwit in it!

This is honestly like watching a car crash in slow motion.
Big girl pants - lean on friends and family.
Keep busy.
Stop sending him messages. They are both laughing at you every time you do this.

((((HUGS)))) for you but please look at your behaviour here.

Because I originally told him we needed space, and he should move out whilst we figured it out. He said he couldn't afford to do so
Tough - he cheated. It's up to him to figure out how to live out of the house.
He should be paying YOU. You know that, don't you?
I'm literally raging on your behalf here.
Please wake up and smell the coffee.
He's taking the piss and you are enabling it.

I am beginning to think that this can’t be real.....

I agree with others, this is the worst case of self delusion regards a situation that everyone else can plainly see is destroying your self worth. Why on earth can you not see he has completely checked out and actually despises your attempts in trying to cling on to him? He knows he is a complete and utter shit human being but he will be thinking God she still wants me, how desperate does that make her?
Please, please read the sticky post " I shall say this only once"
Quite clearly your mental health,self esteem and self protection are in need of major help from a professional counselor,please put your energy into this for your girls sake. You are setting them up for a lifetime of thinking they as women have to "fix" the men in there life and that is tragic.

I am beginning to think that this can’t be real.....

Yes - how can one person be so silly ( not the word I really want to use btw)

Set an example to your DC that you are strong woman.

Your DC are learning about relationships and boundaries from you. Do you want their lives to follow the same path as your own?

You are raising girls. Can you not see how damaging your behaviour is towards how they will view and be in their own relationships?
I'm going to be blunt.
Stop the fuck wallowing in your own masochistic behaviour and start to model the behaviour of an adult women with healthy self esteem, your girls need to see this as a matter of urgency. I don't say this in malice or to be nasty OP but the mental emotional health of your children WILL be being skewed with watching how you pander and beg to someone who clearly despises you and then you go back for more 😰

I think the other thing you should consider is selling your home and starting fresh somewhere else, somewhere without memories of him.