Do you see watching porn as cheating?

[jonesy22]

My DM has caught my stepdad watching porn. She is so hurt and doesn't know if she can look at him in the same way because she sees this as cheating.

I do understand where she is coming from but at the same time I feel a lot of men watch porn. (Women too!)

What do you think? I'm trying to console her but I don't really know what to say!

It's deceitful and dishonest, but he isn't shagging them.
It doesn't matter anyway, he hasn't been honest and told her so who cares about semantics, she doesn't like it and he should stop immediately.

past tense because he isn't my husband anymore. nothing to do with porn / cheating. I'd be happy with any new partner watching porn also.

I watch it, so does DH - sometimes we do together. So definitely not cheating or anything like in our book.

it doesn't matter how many of us watch it, or if we know our partners do and accept it.
The dm didn't know her partner was doing it and doesn't like it.

I watch sometimes alone and sometimes with dh, I'd have hated him doing it behind my back as you need honesty in any relationship.

Yes, god yes

Yes.

No.

I do see it as cheating. I think my opinion is uncommon but it's not going to change.

I can see why some people might view it as a form of cheating. Cheating means different things to different people. Some would view an emotional affair with no sexual contact as cheating and others could overlook a drunken kiss. You decide what cheating means to you. If your partner getting aroused by looking at other naked women performing sex acts feels like cheating to you then that is your boundary and you are entitled to it.

No, I don't.

I don't know or care if my partner watches porn. I believe that everyone deserves privacy, and that it's none of my business.

Vile men who perpetuate rape culture do not deserve ANY privacy. They should be outed for what they are!

StephanieSJW What about the vile women who perpetuate rape culture? Presumably they should be outed for what they are and do not deserve any privacy? Or is your ire solely for the men?

It’s not cheating, but secretive very frequent use of it to me is sleazy if partnered long term and can certainly change feelings and how you see someone and bugger your sex life , especially when they can’t be honest about it and are on it the minute you are out the door or constantly pestering for a particular thing that they search out

Nope, not cheating. Men and women both watch it. Not all of it is violent or extreme. Porn can be a woman ( or man) just masturbating. I think as a society we are more closed off in the uk about nudity and sex, where as on the continent, for example, its much less so.
But same as watching emmerdale isn't real life, neither is porn so no, not cheating

I don't see it as cheating at all, that's quite a stretch. It's no different to looking at a nudey magazine or reading a dirty book.

However I do think these boundaries need to be clearly established in a relationship. If someone feels like watching porn would be cheating then they need to raise this with their partner and come to an agreement. They have the right to feel this way and have their needs respected. I think each relationship will have slightly different rules on this.

ShatnersWig
What about the vile women who perpetuate rape culture? Presumably they should be outed for what they are and do not deserve any privacy? Or is your ire solely for the men?

Women have been conditioned by the patriarchy to internalise misogyny. We have all been "sold" the idea that objectifying women's bodies is perfectly normal and acceptable. It is not.

Women have been conditioned by the patriarchy to internalise misogyny. We have all been "sold" the idea that objectifying women's bodies is perfectly normal and acceptable. It is not

Why are you continually speaking for everyone? I've been sold nothing.

Not you personally - women as a class have broadly accepted that porn is fine. Just look at all the "cool" responses here. This is as a result of patriarchal oppression by men.

This is an individual decision to be made by each couple. All you can do is support her in her own beliefs and values even if they don't match yours.

It’s patently absurd to suggest that using porn ‘is the same as cheating’. Cheating means having an emotional/sexual relationship while committed with your partner into believing you are in an exclusive relationship.
Anything done in secret can impact on a relationship (gambling, drinking, gaming,) but that they are secret or against the wishes of a partner does not equal cheating.
As for porn - well it’s hardly dissimilar to the use of erotic literature in terms of distraction from the primary relationship into a sexual fantasy.
Suggesting all porn is rape culture violence makes about as much sense as saying all erotica is written by lonely old cat ladies.

StephanieSJW - As for misogyny, patriarchy and ‘false consciousness’- seriously? If you think human sexuality is so pure that only corrupted people ‘objectify’ (ie are physically attracted to) people then I think there are very many aspects that question such a view (eg women finding women sexually appealing, women having physical lust for men, homosexual porn). To suggest that we are all just fucked up for enjoying the physical form or erotic fantasy of others’ sexuality (although not personally of course ...what?) is mystifying. And why if BOTH men and women have been ‘conditioned’ by patriarchy should it be forgiven in women but punished in men?

I think OP’s mum has every right to feel hurt that her husband has liked porn. I might be hurt by any number of things my partner did in secret that seemed outside of our usual relationship or values. But it doesn’t make it OK to be controlling about it and it doesn’t make it cheating - which is an attempt to control the behaviour. I think maybe they need to discuss it in a mature way.

Some people have suggested "It is cheating, because he is thinking about having sex with someone else."

The reason it feels bad, I think, is because he is NOT thinking about having sex WITH someone else. Not with a real human person, with a real inner life and self with whom he wishes to connect.

He is thinking about having sex ON someone else's body. A collection of parts, dished up for his appreciation. An object, not a subject. He sees absolutely nothing wrong with using female bodies for his own sexual gratification.

For the real human being who believes her sexual relations with this man involve a mutual connection between two subjects, the realisation that her own subjectivity is perhaps irrelevant to his orgasm-seeking behaviour is deeply disturbing.

As well it should be. She has noticed he views female bodies as objects used for his sexual gratification. She has a female body herself, and is in a sexual relationship with him. She is right to be alarmed at the implications.

@stephanieSJW fuck off ?!?! Wtaf. You dont speak for me. And weirdly, I can speak for myself. Porn turns me on. I like it, it puts me in the mood. It's a visual stimulation. Just like when food looks nice. I enjoy. I've not been told or encouraged to enjoy it. It's a mental stimulus and a physical response. Its biology. And dont forget, in the day and age when women were treated as second class, they weren't meant to enjoy sex
Or be turned on or show body parts. Its fools like you that make women embarrassed of sex or concerned or guilty about enjoying it. Keep your extremist shite to yourself .
OP it's an individual thing. Same as naked sun bathing. Some people think it's ok. Some would rather stick pins in their eyes. Its upto the individual and their partner and what they agree on.

As for porn - well it’s hardly dissimilar to the use of erotic literature in terms of distraction from the primary relationship into a sexual fantasy.
I think you've missed the point. Porn involves real women. That's what a lot of women object to: watching real women being used is not the same as reading erotic literature where nobody gets hurt!

^^

Precisely this, kinderworld.

I read (and have in the past written) erotic stories. No women were harmed in the writing of those stories.

They would only become a problem if one partner in an otherwise healthy relationship preferred reading them to having sex with their partner (and the partner felt they were missing out as a result).

I think a big point is not that two people have discussed and said yeh or nay , it’s that many people have actually had the discussions on a casual level and said partner has said ‘they aren’t interested, don’t do it, it’s very very occasional etc, etc’ when they turn out to have borderline addiction multiple times a week/day etc. I for one would have been ok with a bit of honesty and ‘very occasional’, I’ve watched very very occasionally myself, what I’m not ok with is 4/5 times a week, amateur stuff, and 2 hour sessions if I go away for the night, all focusing on lesbians. For those who haven’t experienced a situation like this it makes you feel like you don’t quite know your partner of over20 years. I feel a bit of up front honesty is the issue here with many of us, not just the porn watching. Sneaking around secretively causes general mistrust