Trust issue - falsely accused of lying by DP

[MrsGBlythe]

Need some advice on how to deal with this!

My DP and I live separately - a couple of hours apart - so don't see each other in the week but spend most weekends together. Last night I went out with my best friend for a meal and a rare child-free catch up (she has children, I don't). I said to DP I'd call him when I got home, which I did at about 10pm. He didn't answer, I didn't think too much of it, thinking he's probably fallen asleep in front of the tv or gone to bed already, and so I just went to bed thinking I'd catch up with him today.

At 6am this morning I got a text from him saying "did you get home ok last night?". I just replied saying "yes thanks" and a smiley emoji. He then followed up with "why didn't you call me?!". I said that I did but got no answer so went to bed. He's now livid at me as he says he had no missed calls and doesn't believe me. Despite me sending him a screenshot of the call log and telling him repeatedly that I did call him and have no reason to lie, he is still standing firm and not backing down, saying I'm lying and that I'm good with technology so could easily have "doctored" the log somehow?!

I phoned him and said I am very disappointed as I feel I've never done anything to warrant this amount of mistrust in me. He had admitted in one of his texts that he didn't want to be "treated like this again" (an ex did the dirty on him apparently but I don't know the details and haven't asked). I told him it was very unfair of him to judge me according to how he's been treated in the past.

He won't even discuss it - just says "sorry but I don't believe you".

How do I handle this?!!! Part of me says he won't change and this will only become more of an issue, but part of me also knows how it feels to be have been treated badly in the past and overreact to situations sometimes. I told him we need to get to the bottom of why he's feeling this way so we can move forward but he's adamant that I'm lying. Apparently my "responses were weirdly calm" too - yes, because I was quite shocked and trying to stay calm so it didn't escalate as I knew I'd done nothing wrong!!

[Zaphodsotherhead]

I don't understand what he means by 'you're not interested in sorting it out.' You TRIED, FFS! You sent him a screenshot!

What he really means, I guess, is you're not interesting in apologising, ringing him in tears, going over there to plead your case in person...in other words, rolling over and confirming to him that you will do whatever he wants, to keep him sweet.

What a tit he is.

[Mary1935]

Equally I would be asking “why did you not answer your phone” I think he may have been out. I dump him - it’s not on and it’s not a healthy response. He’s a bully.

[ShatnersWig]

Um, it's really not clear from your responses that you're actually ending this relationship OP.

You do realise you will be back here again in a few months if you don't? And that if you don't properly finish with this guy right now, today, you will be pretty fucking stupid or desperate or both?

[hellsbellsmelons]

A link to HOOVERING
So you know what to expect.
You sound intelligent and switched on OP.
So please don't allow this fuckwit back into your life.
You can do so much better than this.
You deserve so much better than this.

[lifegoes]

@Witchofthenorth well if your username represents where you are from. There's a high possibility.

How awful there are so many of these men around.

[BlackCatSleeping]

It’s not for nothing though. Even if she stays with him then she’ll remember this and the advice given and maybe one day she’ll realize that he’s not worth it.

[lickencivers]

Goodness reading these are depressing. I had a relationship like this. I finally ended it when he pinned me against the wall by my throat to get my phone when I refused to hand it over for him to check it when I'd been out with my family for the day. I subsequently found out he had been knobbing some one else

Looking back at the pattern, he knew where I was the whole time and I thought at the time it was because he cared. Arse hole. The amount of stress that just stopped when I left was amazing. Then when I met my current partner I was amazed how easy and relaxed it all is. Fgs I thought I was happy before but bloody hell do not settle for this shit. Move on.

[DtPeabodysLoosePants]

🤦‍♀️

[ImMeantToBeWorking]

Firstly he sounds like a wker, but if you do really want to convience him, most networks allow you to log in and see your call log.

Also, could it be a guilty conscious?

[MzHz]

Sweetheart, this is shit, but you’ve really learned a few things here

And saved yourself an awful lot of stress

One thing I will say (online dating veteran/eventual success story) is NEVER EVER allow your head to tell you that you are 100% invested in as short a time as you have here. You have to keep your eyes and ears open for longer than that to be sure, and that’s with someone close by. LDR means he can be absolutely anyone he wants you to believe he is, but very different on other occasions for others.

Back to the drawing board woman, onwards and upwards! Don’t beat yourself up for this, you were not the one in the wrong.

[SparklyMagpie]

Oh fuck this off RIGHT NOW!

Who the hell does he think he is? And 9 months in?!

Do not fall for all this shit, he'll try everything in the book

[amiapropermum]

This thread isn't for nothing at all. It's very easy to see clearly from the sidelines but the OP is living it. She sounds strong and determined but it can take time to process things like this happening. We're supposed to support and not harangue people

[Jaffacakesaremyfave]

OP, why are you not blocking him? You are allowing a very dangerous man a line of communication straight to your door. What he sent is classic manipulation.

'I can see you dont want to sort this' translates as 'you better message me right now and prove your love for me and if you dont then you dont care about ME',

'I have issues' which translates as 'the last approach didnt work so now I'm going to make you feel sorry for me and think there is a logical explanation for why I'm such a controlling dick'

'I'm sorry' translates as 'just fucking stop with all this pulling me up on my shit, I said sorry, what more do you fucking want'

He's not sorry, he doesnt have 'issues from his past' (other than that he is a controlling abusive wanker) and this is all carefully calculated to get you back. It's worked in 100's of women before you and you dont want to any part of it.

You are playing with fire OP. Narcs have no limits to where they will go to get what they want. They will lie, manipulate, harrass, bully, stalk, threaten (suicide etc).

The longer his messages can reach you, the worse his tactics will get. End it now and block!

[Moralitym1n1]

Shouldn't even have been an issue.

Even if you'd not phoned due to eg forgetting, falling asleep tired etc - you should've been able to say so the next day and have a civil conversation, with no issues.

He's got you trained to check in, and he's correct, he had serious issues; but none of them are your problem or for you to pander to or fix

[GreenFingersWouldBeHandy]

On the one hand, I'm sorry this happened when you were all happy and thinking everything was OK.

On the other hand, I'm delighted that he has shown his true self before you moved in together. What a bloody lucky escape!

You're handling yourself brilliantly. Don't put up with any of his crap, just dump, count your lucky stars and move on.

[Butterymuffin]

g "I guess the fact you haven't called me shows you're not interested in sorting this out"

Hoovering alert! I knew he would. He wants you apologising and explaining yourself yet again. He's the one who maintains you're lying, thus preventing anything being 'sorted out'! Don't reply OP. His agenda is clear now.

[BumbleBeee69]

He's a controlling gaslighting manipulating projecting bastard. I feel frustrated that you're jumping through hoops trying to prove this now completely irrelevant phone call to him, you could bring the CEO of O2 to his bloody door and he'd still call you a liar OP.

He's trying to make you submit to his demanding controlling behaviour, to make you continually apologise, make you think about his feelings before your own, prioritise his feelings above and beyond you own, this is not a nice guy, he's an abuser. Please OP, stop 'proving' the bullshit to him, and tell him to GTF. you sound like a lovely person, you deserve way better.

[Anniegetyourgun]

It's sad when you thought you had a good'un but then find out the awful truth. The only thing to do now is mourn that dream, because the reality was sadly never going to match up, and look to a different but hopefully better future.

I had one of these. I proved myself by marrying him and having four children with him. He never did "learn" to trust me (in quotes as I now doubt he believed his own accusations, but who knows what's going on in his tiny mind? My brother said "strange zombie hamsters are running around in little wheels, that's what".)

So I LTB. Frankly I should have ditched him the first time he accused me of cheating, at a party, in front of zillions of colleagues. We'd been going out for about 3 months at that time. Instead I wasted 25 years and fried my brain trying to make sense of it all, when there was no sense to be had.

[Orangeyougladitsme]

@MrsGBlythe How's everything going? Is he following the script that these kind ladies have provided? "It's your fault, you must be cheating he was right all along because you're not trying to sort this out..." type shit?

[MikeUniformMike]

I sometimes get people saying they tried to call me but there was no answer. The calls did not register as missed calls or received calls on my phone.
Were the people saying they'd phoned lying?

[TowelNumber42]

I've had times I called my DH and it didn't show as a missed call. He did not accuse me of lying or cheating once, never mind repeatedly over many days. He is not a dickhead.

[Meowington]

I’d bet the call did actually log on his phone and he’s using this as an excuse to test you! Not OK, get well rid!!

[MzHz]

How are you doing today op?

This guy is abusive and he’s showing you who he is loud and clear.

The fact that you’re supposed to be moving in soon is where he thinks he’s hooked you. You were already checking in... It’s given him the motive to check your phone, and now he’s invented this crime of you not calling him, and even though you did and I’m willing to be that he knows you did, you’re being punished.

Punishing you is taking control and wrong footing you so that you are under his command

He will be getting a buzz from the power and this is what he feeds on.

This behaviour is designed to make you not want to go out with your friends ultimately. It’s to isolate you from your support circle, because they are the ones to rumble him.

Stay away from him. Please.

Don’t waste your life with a man like this, you’ll never recover the lost time and you deserve to be loved by a good man.