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Relationships

Trust issue - falsely accused of lying by DP

202 replies

MrsGBlythe · 09/07/2019 12:24

Need some advice on how to deal with this!

My DP and I live separately - a couple of hours apart - so don't see each other in the week but spend most weekends together. Last night I went out with my best friend for a meal and a rare child-free catch up (she has children, I don't). I said to DP I'd call him when I got home, which I did at about 10pm. He didn't answer, I didn't think too much of it, thinking he's probably fallen asleep in front of the tv or gone to bed already, and so I just went to bed thinking I'd catch up with him today.

At 6am this morning I got a text from him saying "did you get home ok last night?". I just replied saying "yes thanks" and a smiley emoji. He then followed up with "why didn't you call me?!". I said that I did but got no answer so went to bed. He's now livid at me as he says he had no missed calls and doesn't believe me. Despite me sending him a screenshot of the call log and telling him repeatedly that I did call him and have no reason to lie, he is still standing firm and not backing down, saying I'm lying and that I'm good with technology so could easily have "doctored" the log somehow?!

I phoned him and said I am very disappointed as I feel I've never done anything to warrant this amount of mistrust in me. He had admitted in one of his texts that he didn't want to be "treated like this again" (an ex did the dirty on him apparently but I don't know the details and haven't asked). I told him it was very unfair of him to judge me according to how he's been treated in the past.

He won't even discuss it - just says "sorry but I don't believe you".

How do I handle this?!!! Part of me says he won't change and this will only become more of an issue, but part of me also knows how it feels to be have been treated badly in the past and overreact to situations sometimes. I told him we need to get to the bottom of why he's feeling this way so we can move forward but he's adamant that I'm lying. Apparently my "responses were weirdly calm" too - yes, because I was quite shocked and trying to stay calm so it didn't escalate as I knew I'd done nothing wrong!!

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TenDays · 09/07/2019 13:50

OP, you might actually be in danger from this man. Been there, done that. Everyone who's already told you to get rid is right.

My guess is that the call went to voicemail just as you rang off so the call didn't register.

That's not the point though. The issue is that he doesn't appear to trust you, for no good reason. Whatever his past problems are he shouldn't assume you're up to no good. However, I don't think this is actually what's going on.

I've had men like this in my life. They are controlling and possessive and soon become abusive in various ways. A 'misunderstanding' about a simple missed phone call is a perfect excuse to start making the woman feel guilty and anxious.

I bet his previous partner was trustworthy too but he also fabricated 'evidence' against her. She was probably deeply relieved when he moved onto someone else.

The fact that you two are a living a distance apart is a good thing here because when you come to your senses and dump him you stand less chance of seeing him around.

I know whereof I speak. One ex of mine harassed me to the extent that I moved house and had another man live with me for protection.

Last I heard Ex'd had several relationships and a couple of kids, and all those individuals now live at distant ends of the country as far away from him as possible.

He'd started off his controlling behaviour by accusing me of wearing lipstick at work to attract men. That's exactly as trivial an excuse as a missed phone call.

When you do decide to get rid, be prepared for him to refuse to leave you and even to stalk you. He's invested some time and effort into acquiring you so he won't let you off easily.
If he starts 'happening' to be passing your home or place of work tell the police. They will have a word.

Find someone nice. You don't need to put up with this rubbish.

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lifebegins50 · 09/07/2019 13:52

He is trying to train you so that if you have a solo night out again you stress yourself making sure you contact him. I bet if you went out another night you would try really hard to contact him so that he is not angry with you.

He has issues, not yoy because he is triggered by you going out and rather than deal with HIS issues he is trying to train you to act in a way that suits him.

Read Lundy's book (why does he do that) as it will explain why he is like this. It is not past experiences but his view of how his partner should act.

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alligatorsmile · 09/07/2019 13:54

"Dear STBXP, I am not your ex-gf. Bullying tactics and manufactured drama are a turn-off for me, so this is not going to work. I would advise counselling for your trust issues so you do not continue to project them onto every potential partner you have. You may send any items you have of my to xxxxx"

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HellonHeels · 09/07/2019 13:54

Well who wants to be with someone who doesn't believe them and makes a huge accusatory fuss over a single phone call? If his trust issues are that bad he needs to get some therapy and not inflict himself on women until he gets over it.

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FriarTuck · 09/07/2019 13:55

My guess is that the call went to voicemail just as you rang off so the call didn't register.
That could make sense! Seriously, even if you're going to walk away at least try it and see if it does, for his sake as well as yours.

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NannyRed · 09/07/2019 13:56

Without trust you have no relationship.
Tell him that and then dump him. He honestly is a massive twat and raising far too many red flags for a long distance relationship.
I wonder if he’s projecting his guilt, maybe he didn’t answer your call because he was out with someone he doesn’t want you know about.

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cstaff · 09/07/2019 14:01

Even if the call didn't show on his phone you have given him no reason not to believe you made it, especially since you sent him a screenshot of it - BTW there is no chance that I would have done that.

He is the one with trust issues here
He is the one that has problems
He is the problem.

Sorry OP but you know what to do.

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BumbleBeee69 · 09/07/2019 14:03

the telephone call is irrelevant.

his reaction to not receiving this telephone call is what really matters. He has behaved appallingly accusingly and downright unstably.

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BumbleBeee69 · 09/07/2019 14:04

and irrationally.. Hmm

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Butterymuffin · 09/07/2019 14:05

His assumption is that you are lying rather than that there's some glitch that explains not seeing a call. So he is choosing to think the worst of you. Who wants to be in a relationship with someone who does that

I would tell him that one last time, you are not lying, you can't explain why the call didn't show, but he refuses to believe you then the relationship can't continue.

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Juells · 09/07/2019 14:06

You only have his word that he was 'treated badly in the past'. A friend had similar problems with a BF, and eventually realised that it was all just an excuse to control her and make her feel constantly wrong-footed and guilty when she'd done nothing wrong.

Run.

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NameChangeNugget · 09/07/2019 14:08

Don’t jump through hoops for this prick.

You know you phoned, he doesn’t trust you.

Bin him off, he’s a controlling user. People like that are judging others by their own standards

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Happynow001 · 09/07/2019 14:09

We had plans to move in together soon and now that's all ruined. For the best that I find out now.
I hope you ARE seriously reconsidering moving in together because this really is the tip of the iceberg.

As another PP said If you continued your relationship with him, even long distance, you would be on tenterhooks about ensuring you spoke to him before hanging up. It would surely be worse if you were living together and having to account for every moment and nuance of your life.

In your place I'd be confused, sad, angry that someone who is supposed to care for me would think I was a liar and potentially a cheat. Hopefully I'd also have the courage to step away from him and live my life without him in it. 🌹

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DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 09/07/2019 14:09

I agree with BumbleBee I think his response to your screenshot... saying that you fabricated it.. is just not normal at all. Most people would say, OK phone glitch but please ring me next time as I worry.
Also. Why did he wait until the next morning to text you.. if he was actually worried?
He sounds very controlling. Sorry OP.

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Nat6999 · 09/07/2019 14:09

I had a relationship with someone who had trust issues, it started out like you with him denying receiving calls & messages, then he was constantly checking up where I was & what I was doing, he then started accusing me of having someone else, then he started with the gaslighting, telling me that he had said things & that I had forgotten, it got to the stage I didn't know my own mind. Your best bet is to end this relationship before it gets any more serious for your own peace of mind & sanity.

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Doormat247 · 09/07/2019 14:12

Seems an oddly over the top response. Are you sure he wasn't out doing something you may not have approved of and he's trying to cover his tracks by making you feel guilty?

Either way, he sounds controlling and his true colours are showing. This is a red flag you really shouldn't ignore.

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MrsGBlythe · 09/07/2019 14:55

@DuckbilledSplatterPuff I did actually ask him why he hasn't called ME if he was worried, rather than just go to bed and then wake me up at 6am to punish me. He just kept saying "I think you're lying to me".

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MrsGBlythe · 09/07/2019 15:00

He's read my message but not replied Hmm

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LemonBreeland · 09/07/2019 15:02

I would send one last message saying don't contact me again until you are ready to act like an adult and stop being a prick.

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readitandwept · 09/07/2019 15:02

He won't even discuss it - just says "sorry but I don't believe you".

I would just have texted back "Well then this relationship can only be finished" and blocked him.

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AttilaTheMeerkat · 09/07/2019 15:04

Do not respond further, what these types want also is a response.

I would now block him and work on your own self to rebuild your weakened boundaries.

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fedup21 · 09/07/2019 15:04

What did your message to him say?

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MrsGBlythe · 09/07/2019 15:07

I said:

"The phone call not appearing in your log is just one of those things - it happens! And I agreed it was strange! But the fact you won't accept this is proof that you don't trust me. It's a shame that you had problems in a previous relationship, but unless I have given you any solid reason not to trust me, this just isn't good enough. Your issues are not mine. You are projecting them on to me and taking them out on me and that is not acceptable. I won’t put up with that level of mistrust and someone who is so convinced of their own rightness that they won’t even consider they might be wrong. I have been prepared to invest everything of myself in this relationship and it is incredibly unfair this this is what I am getting."

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NewFoneWhoDis · 09/07/2019 15:10

He wants the last word on it. So let him. Just block and leave him to his controlling paranoia.

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Krisskrosskiss · 09/07/2019 15:15

Dont get sucked into this. Its abusive controlling behaviour. The issue is his not yours. Dont try and 'make him believe you' as it will just feed into it all. I'd honestly just ditch him and move on. Lifestyle to short and these guys suck you in so fast before you know it you just arent going out anywhere because you dont want them to get paranoid.. and you've given them all your social media passwords because you cant be bothered with the accusations, and you're not contacting your friends be ause you dont want the third degree from him over what you've been saying...
This is where it begins so please just block him and move on now while you can.

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