Trust issue - falsely accused of lying by DP

[MrsGBlythe]

Need some advice on how to deal with this!

My DP and I live separately - a couple of hours apart - so don't see each other in the week but spend most weekends together. Last night I went out with my best friend for a meal and a rare child-free catch up (she has children, I don't). I said to DP I'd call him when I got home, which I did at about 10pm. He didn't answer, I didn't think too much of it, thinking he's probably fallen asleep in front of the tv or gone to bed already, and so I just went to bed thinking I'd catch up with him today.

At 6am this morning I got a text from him saying "did you get home ok last night?". I just replied saying "yes thanks" and a smiley emoji. He then followed up with "why didn't you call me?!". I said that I did but got no answer so went to bed. He's now livid at me as he says he had no missed calls and doesn't believe me. Despite me sending him a screenshot of the call log and telling him repeatedly that I did call him and have no reason to lie, he is still standing firm and not backing down, saying I'm lying and that I'm good with technology so could easily have "doctored" the log somehow?!

I phoned him and said I am very disappointed as I feel I've never done anything to warrant this amount of mistrust in me. He had admitted in one of his texts that he didn't want to be "treated like this again" (an ex did the dirty on him apparently but I don't know the details and haven't asked). I told him it was very unfair of him to judge me according to how he's been treated in the past.

He won't even discuss it - just says "sorry but I don't believe you".

How do I handle this?!!! Part of me says he won't change and this will only become more of an issue, but part of me also knows how it feels to be have been treated badly in the past and overreact to situations sometimes. I told him we need to get to the bottom of why he's feeling this way so we can move forward but he's adamant that I'm lying. Apparently my "responses were weirdly calm" too - yes, because I was quite shocked and trying to stay calm so it didn't escalate as I knew I'd done nothing wrong!!

I did actually catch him scrolling through my phone the other day - I'd left it on the side unlocked - as I have nothing to hide!) and came into find him looking through it. He then swiftly put it down. I didn't say anything at the time but am now tempted to let him know I can't trust HIM!

How long have you been together? And what age is he?

You're feeding it with these long messages through. He's kicked off with something really small and you're tying yourself in knotts trying to prove yourself worthy and trying to get him to understand.

Draw that line at what you're going to put up with. He's the one who should be groveling to you with lengthy, obviously 'has given this a lot of headspace' messages.

@readitandwept we've been together 9 months and he's nearly 40!!

Be thankful that he did this to you before you moved in together. Much easier to dump his paranoid ass.

Just fuck him off. I wouldn’t have phoned once I got home but you did so if he doesn’t believe you it’s his problem.
Lucky escape

Wow, definitely bin him off. Although DH and I could easily pick up each other's phones (both have fingerprint ID on each) we just don't. Ever. And I'd be really put off if DH suddenly went scrolling through my business. Shit, just my AIBU's on my mumsnet about the dreaded in-laws would have us falling out blighted style 😂

And he will be just the same when he is nearly 50 as well. Such men do not change. You cannot reason with crazy

Bin him off completely OP and work on rebuilding your own boundaries in relationships because men like this do damage and otherwise harm them.

Nope, dump

And your the one who can't be trusted. Bloody hell OP

Ugh just dump him

I've requested my phone records from my phone company - the call should show on there. When I dump him I'll attach a copy "for his information" so he can see what a tit he's been.

Now you know why he was single at 40.

I'm with the others. It's the small things which add up that you have to watch.. this isnt the first thing he did.. he was looking at your phone !

I've requested my phone records from my phone company - the call should show on there. When I dump him I'll attach a copy "for his information" so he can see what a tit he's been.
I'm not sure I'd bother.

In your position, and especially after your last text message to him, I'd just block and delete on ur phone contacts, Whatsapp, etc plus unfriend him on SM then move on with your life.

Don't waste your time trying to prove anything to him

my ex was like this, you can argue or try and prove until you are blue in the face he won't accept it. He will always try and send the last text, have the last word, then try and tell you he was only joking when you get upset or tell him to get lost.

Checking of the phones is another thing I missed an important txt from a sibling because he'd already read it for me, he then deleted it but forgot to delete the log. He would never admit it but I knew as it was when I'd gone to the shops and left my phone at home.

Run for your life. His mask has finally slipped and you are finally seeing him for who he really is. His abuse and controlling behaviour will only escalate. You should be extremely grateful that you have learned this now before moving in with him.

Tell him to fuck off and block him completely.

Won't it only show on your provider call log if it eventually hit voicemail?

Anyway, I wouldn't be bothering my arse going out of my way to prove anything. It's shows you care. He's a twat, and if he can't eventually work that out for himself, that's his problem.

Don't do that re the records. It is not about the call. It is about him grooming you to accept the unacceptable and the untruth.

He knows you called. Dump and block. Don't engage.

This is just the beginning. Men like this don't change. Sounds like he's kept it in check up till now, except for going through your phone.

I had one like this. It's so slow and insidious. By the end I was a shadow of my old self. I was so thin from anxiety and living on my nerves. My Mum was horrified when she saw me (he isolated my from my family & friends).

The only positive that came out of that relationship was that I knew how to recognise the signs and was assertive enough not to accept poor behavior.

Don’t waste time getting phone records. Just dump him. Sounds like you’ve had a very lucky escape

I would imagine that the phone records will change nothing. He does not really believe (or even remotely think at all) that you are lying and did not make the call. He is on a gaslighting bullying spree.
Dump - be careful to block - and have done

Who's your phone provider?

When you dump him? Why haven't you already?!