Trust issue - falsely accused of lying by DP

[MrsGBlythe]

Need some advice on how to deal with this!

My DP and I live separately - a couple of hours apart - so don't see each other in the week but spend most weekends together. Last night I went out with my best friend for a meal and a rare child-free catch up (she has children, I don't). I said to DP I'd call him when I got home, which I did at about 10pm. He didn't answer, I didn't think too much of it, thinking he's probably fallen asleep in front of the tv or gone to bed already, and so I just went to bed thinking I'd catch up with him today.

At 6am this morning I got a text from him saying "did you get home ok last night?". I just replied saying "yes thanks" and a smiley emoji. He then followed up with "why didn't you call me?!". I said that I did but got no answer so went to bed. He's now livid at me as he says he had no missed calls and doesn't believe me. Despite me sending him a screenshot of the call log and telling him repeatedly that I did call him and have no reason to lie, he is still standing firm and not backing down, saying I'm lying and that I'm good with technology so could easily have "doctored" the log somehow?!

I phoned him and said I am very disappointed as I feel I've never done anything to warrant this amount of mistrust in me. He had admitted in one of his texts that he didn't want to be "treated like this again" (an ex did the dirty on him apparently but I don't know the details and haven't asked). I told him it was very unfair of him to judge me according to how he's been treated in the past.

He won't even discuss it - just says "sorry but I don't believe you".

How do I handle this?!!! Part of me says he won't change and this will only become more of an issue, but part of me also knows how it feels to be have been treated badly in the past and overreact to situations sometimes. I told him we need to get to the bottom of why he's feeling this way so we can move forward but he's adamant that I'm lying. Apparently my "responses were weirdly calm" too - yes, because I was quite shocked and trying to stay calm so it didn't escalate as I knew I'd done nothing wrong!!

OP, dont see this as a loss, see it as a huge blessing that you have just escaped a controlling abusive twat. Thank god he showed his true colours before you moved in together.

Going through your phone is a massive breach of your trust. Accusing you of cheating over nothing is all about control and has nothing to do with you at all.

In fact when abusers accuse you of cheating, it is very likely because they are the cheaters and are projecting onto you. Most abusers claim they were treated terribly or cheated on in the past as a way to get you to overlook their control. It is a tried and tested technique.

This behaviour would only ever escalate. Theres no point trying to prove anything to him because you are not dealing with a logical, rational human being. He knows you're not cheating so even when you 'prove' the phone call, it will just be another bullshit accusation in a few weeks. You cant win with them and theres no point in trying because it's all about power and control and nothing else. It is the start of him isolating you.

Block and delete (and keep him deleted as alot of abusive men will harrass you after ending the relationship)

My ex who did everything you mentioned above stalked me for 6 months when I ended things (and he was the one cheating prolifically btw).

This is textbook abuser tactics OP

You already showed him your call log.

Stop trying to prove you are not a liar.

This is not about your behaviour. It is about his behaviour.

We had plans to move in together soon and now that's all ruined

Abusers start showing their true selves when you are committed in ways it is hard to back away from.

You even tell him you are over-invested.

I have been prepared to invest everything of myself in this relationship and it is incredibly unfair this this is what I am getting

You just said You've got me on the hook. I won't leave if you mutter some kind of apology now. I am desperate to not be wrong about this relationship

Your email gave no actual material rebuke. It only said I am not happy There was no So what? Which shows you are somewhat open to accepting the abuse continuing.

Tip of the iceberg OP. This ones a no go.

God you are tying yourself in knots to make him change his opinion, but he's never going to. He might shut up about it briefly, but he isn't going to actually believe you.

Do you really want to spend the rest of your life with someone who shuts you down when you try to explain something? Especially with something as cunty as "I think you're lYING"

You don't owe him any more contact. He thinks you're a liar who is cheating on him - that's on him. Don't reward that with attention. Find someone nice.

Guessing he has an iPhone as we have been having this a lot recently too. That however is absolutely no excuse for his behaviour and I'd be telling him to do one

I am so bored of it already. Going for a walk to clear my head then going to treat myself to a bath and early night. Could do with a large gin too but not sure it'll help my mood

@SheSaidNoFuckThat yes he has an iphone and actually it's quite an old one!

@MrsGBlythe we have older and newer and they've all been doing it over last few weeks, the phone doesn't actually ring. This doesn't excuse his behaviour though

I guarantee you, if you asked his ex (or even an impartial third party) about why they broke up, you'd get a vastly different story.

Classic projection and wrong-footing.

Oh, and to criticise you for being too calm! Sorry, but I'm laughing at that. How dare you not be wailing and rending your clothing and pleading for forgiveness by now?!? What kind of heartless (sane) woman (non-drama-queen) are you, anyway?!?!?

@ErrmWTAF haha yes, he said my responses were "freaking him out". I have no idea what I'd said wrong?! Again, blaming me!

I would not message him any more now, or reply to any messages. Though I bet that if you fall silent, you'll eventually get a message on the lines of 'so I guess you're out with your other man now, told you I was right, knew you were just like all the others' which will be designed to get you to respond and placate him.

Of course your answers are freaking him out. You are showing signs of deviating from the official victim script. You aren't even begging for forgiveness!

His next gf will be told all about how you treated him badly, lied and cheated. You are about to become the psycho bad bitch ex.

That's why all these abusive types have been "hurt in the past". It is why if anyone uses that as an excuse for weirdness it should always have you running for the hills.

He also said "You're being weird. I'm pissed off about it." 🤨

Fuck him, who has time for such nonsense.

I'd reply "i obviously don't enjoy being falsely accused of something I didn't do".

Then just leave it.

He also accused me of changing his name in my phone: "I'm in your phone as DP FIRST NAME LAST NAME" (the screenshot I sent just had DP FIRST NAME). I said "no you're not" - he then challenged me on this when I spoke to him. I said the other two people I know with the same first name as him have their surname, but he doesn't 'cos I know it's him!

Lucky break, he has shown you who he is. believe him.
Boot to touch

Why are you engaging with such utter nonsense?

Make every response "Fuck off" from now on.

Feel so gutted that it's turned so sour like this I actually thought he was the one. We'd talked about kids and everything (I'm approaching 40 too, so am very aware I'm on borrowed time as it is).

I used to get so excited and look forward to the weekends we spent together and planning our future, it was all so great, then this happens!

OP, you can't argue with stupid. As much as we're enjoying his antics, just do yourself a favour and block him. No further messages - it's not worth it. Save your sanity.

He thinks he has you so the abuse starts.

I'm surprised there were no other red flags. Are you sure about that? Well, there was the "my ex cheated on me" red flag. Anything else your biological clock's tick tock drowned out?

Wow, this guy is showing his true colours. I can feel how stressful it is from the outside as you are frantically trying to prove yourself to him.

Don't argue with him. Just ignore as abusive types feed on this drama, it actually makes then feel more powerful and you will never win as he will not let you. He isn't seeking to resolve the situation and he wants you to feel terrible and on edge.

I know it isn't rational but abusive men are not rational, so you won't be able to understand it.

Seeing this from the outside makes me shudder as it brings back memories. Ex only started this behaviour once I was trapped with DC. Consider yourself fortunate that he has shown what he is like now.

Did he have a dysfunctional childhood?

Thank you for showing me you are a knob before we made any further commitment to each other. I hope you get help for your paranoia and find happiness in the future. It won't be with me because I will not tolerate controlling behaviour. If there's no trust there's no relationship. Do not contact me again.

Good message suggestion but given how low opinion he clearly has of you, I'd still opt for "Fuck off" in person, by phone, by message then block.

Seriously, OP, I had a platonic friend who behaved like that. I had to send her a photo one time because she kept accusing me of lying about being unable to meet up due to being snowed in. She also repeatedly accused me of lying because I told her (truthfully) that I don't have a Tumblr account. I couldn't tell the truth about anything without being accused of gaslighting her.

Just getting that from a friend left me drained and constantly tearful. You really don't want to go there with a partner.