Trust issue - falsely accused of lying by DP

[MrsGBlythe]

Need some advice on how to deal with this!

My DP and I live separately - a couple of hours apart - so don't see each other in the week but spend most weekends together. Last night I went out with my best friend for a meal and a rare child-free catch up (she has children, I don't). I said to DP I'd call him when I got home, which I did at about 10pm. He didn't answer, I didn't think too much of it, thinking he's probably fallen asleep in front of the tv or gone to bed already, and so I just went to bed thinking I'd catch up with him today.

At 6am this morning I got a text from him saying "did you get home ok last night?". I just replied saying "yes thanks" and a smiley emoji. He then followed up with "why didn't you call me?!". I said that I did but got no answer so went to bed. He's now livid at me as he says he had no missed calls and doesn't believe me. Despite me sending him a screenshot of the call log and telling him repeatedly that I did call him and have no reason to lie, he is still standing firm and not backing down, saying I'm lying and that I'm good with technology so could easily have "doctored" the log somehow?!

I phoned him and said I am very disappointed as I feel I've never done anything to warrant this amount of mistrust in me. He had admitted in one of his texts that he didn't want to be "treated like this again" (an ex did the dirty on him apparently but I don't know the details and haven't asked). I told him it was very unfair of him to judge me according to how he's been treated in the past.

He won't even discuss it - just says "sorry but I don't believe you".

How do I handle this?!!! Part of me says he won't change and this will only become more of an issue, but part of me also knows how it feels to be have been treated badly in the past and overreact to situations sometimes. I told him we need to get to the bottom of why he's feeling this way so we can move forward but he's adamant that I'm lying. Apparently my "responses were weirdly calm" too - yes, because I was quite shocked and trying to stay calm so it didn't escalate as I knew I'd done nothing wrong!!

Wow. What a lucky escape you've had. Sorry it's not worked out for you but think of the alternative

Have the bath. Have the gin. Have a hug.

A baby through sperm donor makes for a much happier life than baby through abusive man who happened to be around when you needed sperm.

Yes @dontdoxmeeither I was just thinking that while I went for a walk. That it's totally shit right now but the thought of the future being like this ALL THE TIME is much more shit!!

God what a lucky escape OP! Whatever you do please, PLEASE don't let him worm his way back in.

He has shown his true colours.
Luckily before you moved in together, before you got married or had children.

Count your blessings and run for the hills!

Having a 😁🥳

He is clearly abusive. This means he won't let you go easily. He will start "hoovering" soon I expect. Be ready. See it for what it is.

@TowelNumber42 what is "hoovering"?

Ive been with someone similar and sorry but they don't stop, they don't change (well perhaps temporarily), it doesn't stop.

You don't do time for someone else's crimes - if he has trust issues then he needs to work on himself and solve them, not try to control his partner.

But I don't believe it's that anyway - I believe he's like this and he's been like this in every other relationship. I'd put money on it.

He already has you trained to contact every day, check on after an evening out etc.

It shouldn't matter if you don't contact him after an evening out or at the end of the day, or every day.

*check in

what is "hoovering"?
It's removing dust and debris from the floor. Abusive men obviously like to do this as part of their controlling behaviour. Non-abusive men don't hoover - they get called lazy instead.

In a good relationship it wouldn't matter, you could go with the flow, it wouldn't have any significance.

It's control.

blog.melanietoniaevans.com/9-hoovering-techniques-narcissists-use-to-hook-you-back-in/

Seriously do you really want to hang around for;

"You're wearing different knickers than you left in this morning!" (yeah I got my period unexpectedly, but no, you're right I had ferocious sex with a stranger in the loo on the train on the commute home, rather than reading & browsing online like I needed really do".

"You have too many miles on your car to have just gone to the supermarket and back!!" (" Yeah I went to a retail park to get birthday present for a .. ") " Show me the receipt!"

"I'm at the gym" - "take a picture and text it to me" - "who's that man in the background" - "I don't know" - " you're lying"

Etc etc

Cause that's where it goes.

*like I normally do

Wow he's insane, and banking on you to stick with him because of your age and wanting kids.

narcsite.com/2016/11/29/its-hoover-time/

You know you are telling the truth. He thinks you are lying. What about? This isn't just about the telephone call is it? He thinks you were up to no good with another bloke and stayed out all night. He's projecting his lack of trust onto you. He will never change. Actually he probably will, he will get worse.

There's only one thing to do and that is to tell him that it is over.

Do you feel strong enough to block all contact for a few days while you get your head straight?

Assuming you haven't already given him the "How fucking dare you talk to me like that! We are finished! Goodbye!" treatment.

It can help to focus your attention on it by sending a message like "I do not like your ridiculous behaviour so I'm taking a break. I won't be in contact with you at all until next week. I need time to myself. Please don't contact me this week."

I predict an angry tirade, lots of me me me and no respect for you whatsoever.

His behaviour is really disturbing! Can you download your phone records to prove it? Will an unanswered call show up?

How often is he contacting you at the moment and by what methods?

I've not heard from him since I spoke to him this morning. Normally we talk once or twice each evening and maybe a couple of texts during the day but we both have busy jobs so there's no set routine.

Ha, he's waiting for you to make contact. Don't!

he said my responses were "freaking him out". I have no idea what I'd said wrong?!

He means you're not begging and are indicating you're prepared to let the relationship go.

He expected and wants you to be so desperate and invested that you'd beg, apologise ask to prove yourself, turn up at his door, prostrate yourself, possibly say you'll harm yourself etc.

I'm not going to beg. I'm going to bed shortly to curl up and catch up on some Mumsnet Classics to cheer me up!!