Trust issue - falsely accused of lying by DP

[MrsGBlythe]

Need some advice on how to deal with this!

My DP and I live separately - a couple of hours apart - so don't see each other in the week but spend most weekends together. Last night I went out with my best friend for a meal and a rare child-free catch up (she has children, I don't). I said to DP I'd call him when I got home, which I did at about 10pm. He didn't answer, I didn't think too much of it, thinking he's probably fallen asleep in front of the tv or gone to bed already, and so I just went to bed thinking I'd catch up with him today.

At 6am this morning I got a text from him saying "did you get home ok last night?". I just replied saying "yes thanks" and a smiley emoji. He then followed up with "why didn't you call me?!". I said that I did but got no answer so went to bed. He's now livid at me as he says he had no missed calls and doesn't believe me. Despite me sending him a screenshot of the call log and telling him repeatedly that I did call him and have no reason to lie, he is still standing firm and not backing down, saying I'm lying and that I'm good with technology so could easily have "doctored" the log somehow?!

I phoned him and said I am very disappointed as I feel I've never done anything to warrant this amount of mistrust in me. He had admitted in one of his texts that he didn't want to be "treated like this again" (an ex did the dirty on him apparently but I don't know the details and haven't asked). I told him it was very unfair of him to judge me according to how he's been treated in the past.

He won't even discuss it - just says "sorry but I don't believe you".

How do I handle this?!!! Part of me says he won't change and this will only become more of an issue, but part of me also knows how it feels to be have been treated badly in the past and overreact to situations sometimes. I told him we need to get to the bottom of why he's feeling this way so we can move forward but he's adamant that I'm lying. Apparently my "responses were weirdly calm" too - yes, because I was quite shocked and trying to stay calm so it didn't escalate as I knew I'd done nothing wrong!!

[Moralitym1n1]

You've really come on during the space of this thread so far op, it's fantastic.

If you don't hear much from him or at all, it's because he's realised he's not going to get the type of relationship he wants with you, hrs not going to be able to turn you into the type of woman he wants .. consider it a predator giving up on prey that's too tricky.

[MsPavlichenko]

Have you finished it definitively with him? You say you won't beg, but that suggests you are still hoping he apologies/ repents. You'll feel better sooner if you take control of the situation rather than hanging on.

[howdyalikemenow]

I hope you don't cave op. Men like this can be very persuasive

[Butterymuffin]

Silence and some time to yourself are your friends for now OP.

[Jaffacakesaremyfave]

OP, hoovering is where an abusive man will try to suck you back in by telling you everything you want to hear (he's sorry, he'll change, it was a big misunderstanding etc.) He will very likely want to try and meet up in person as he knows he will then have his foot in the door and you will end up back in the idealise stage of abuse (idealise, devalue, discard). The devalue was accusing you of cheating, the discard is the silent treatment he is now giving you. Its practically a script they all use.

My ex narc used to constantly accuse me of cheating, we would have a big fight, he would hang up and give me the silent treatment for a few days (whilst he was off fucking anything in sight) and then I would get the whole 'I'm sorry' bullshit story. It's sad looking back how little it would take for me to forgive him and then I was straight on the crazy train a few weeks later to do it all again.

Narcs are very good at making you feel you have met the 'one' during the lovebombing stage. They mirror you (I.e they adapt how they behave in the relationship based on your preferences and personality). He knows you want to settle down and have kids so this is what he pretends to also want. He will likely use a different approach to his other victims. You will never know his true self until you are deep in the relationship and trust me, it's not pretty. Many of us feel like we have met the one because they seem to be just like us, have the same tastes, values, interests etc. Its all just a manipulation ploy to suck you in.

He is not the one and I can almost guarantee he's off with his other supply right now until in his mind you come crawling back. If you dont, the hoover will start and this can be anything from days, to months, to years. Narcs never really let go, they just put you on the shelf for a while until their next victim catches on to them and then they will be trying it on with you again.

Block on everything as these guys are master manipulators and know exactly what to say to keep you coming back. It's all an act and it never ends well if you listen to him.

[howdyalikemenow]

@Jaffacakesaremyfave has it. My ex was like this too. He hoovered me back in and spectacularly devalued and discarded me again last year and then when I finally went NC he resorted to stalking and harassment which finally led to a criminal conviction. This is the thin end of the wedge. It hurts and you feel like you've lost everything but I promise you, you really haven't.

[sprouts21]

He is baiting and gaslighting you. Abusers will accuse you of doing, being,or saying something that you both know Is not true. They get a lot of satisfaction from the victim tying themselves in knots trying to prove themselves.

Today I told my husband something he has been doing has been really upsetting me. He responded as usual by claiming I'm a bully, an abuser and a liar. I could see him eagerly waiting for me to dispute these claims, to get upset and try to prove to him that I'm not an abuser or a bully. Previously I have responded like this and I know he's had a lot of fun with it.

Today I didn't. I don't really care what he thinks about me and told him so. But I did tell him I've been to see a solicitor, twice now. And that he's going to be getting divorced very soon. Don't put up with this shit op. It's boring predictable stuff straight out of the abusers handbook.

[LizB62A]

I don't think your phone records will show anything unless you got to the stage where you heard the voicemail announcement.

You shouldn't have to prove yourself to him anyway

[lifegoes]

Totally agree with @Jaffacakesaremyfave

My ex was the same accused me of everything. He would even make me send screenshots of my WhatsApp conversations. And also my Instagram messages. For me to prove that I wasn't speaking to anybody. He would also randomly message me on WhatsApp and ask who I was speaking to. I would explain that it was A friend and give the name. He would call bullshit on that and then make a big argument about how I was obviously seeing somebody else. It would get to a point where I would constantly feel like I was trying to prove myself. Even when I travelled for work he would hate that I was on a train and would be convinced that I was getting chatted up by men. I would have to share my location to prove where I was. As you can imagine this relationship ended really badly. The guy was a narcissist and I didn't realise how bad it was until I came out of it completely broken. I didn't even know who I was anymore as a person as he had completely destroyed me. My advice to you would be to run as fast as you can and as far as you can because if he's like this now it will get 100 times worse I'm not the only one that advising you this as you can see from the other comments. These are very very clear signs if somebody who has narcissistic traits. At the end of our relationship it also became clear that he had been sleeping with many women one of them being his wife Who he had constantly told me he was separated from and also swore On his children's life that they were separated I was such a fool because every time I questioned this as my gut instinct told me differently he will turn the whole thing around on to me having an affair with somebody else and having trust issues with him I was totally blinded for months because I was convinced he was a great guy who loved me and that it was all just my own paranoia that was causing the issues

[lifegoes]

Also just to point out your phone records are not going to show anything different from what your actual phone shows. Your phone records on your phone sure that you need a call therefore you made a call.

[testingtesting111]

he knows you called. Like others have said this is probably the tip of the iceberg.

To be frank the way it reads to me is that he probably didn't like the fact you went out. Mark my words if you stick around and move in together something like this will happen every single time you go out - only it will progress to accusations of cheating / who are you with etc. Eventually you'll stop going out. He will also continually check your phone. before you know it end up isolated.

Honestly even if he thinks he is right, his reaction is abnormal.

[MrsGBlythe]

Turned my phone off and went to sleep early last night. Just found some messages he sent last night saying "I guess the fact you haven't called me shows you're not interested in sorting this out" then another feeling sorry for himself along the lines of "yes they're my issues" then another saying "sorry xxx"

[Witchofthenorth]

@lifegoes were you with my ex??

OP, don't engage further, of course your not interested in sorting this out, this is just him trying to open a dialogue again to suck you back in. Something my ex did very well. Good for you for turning the phone off.

Stay strong, you are worth more than this.

[OrchidInTheSun]

Just block him.

[DrinkingTeaInTheGarden]

I agree with the others. Just leave it now.

Otherwise this will just go around in circles and repeat in the future.

I had a (far too long - 18 month) relationship with someone who was paranoid like this. I gave him some leeway because there were other issues at play but, ultimately, I realised that it wouldn't matter what I did to try and 'prove' myself to him, this was going to keep happening.

His behaviour was intended to control me and modify my behaviour. I guess it did work to a certain degree - I made sure I always called/texted when I said I would - however inconvenient - but I still carried on living my own life in my own way and he couldn't handle that.

A few months after he last dumped me (because that was how it would go whenever he decided that I was cheating on him based upon nothing but his own imagination) he is threatening people who speak to me with violence for betraying him; spreading all manner of lies about me; rewriting history and doing his absolute best to turn people against me.

While I've moved on quite nicely.

All he's actually achieving is showing pretty much everyone who he really is! There are a few people who are buying it, of course, but they are people with little else going on their lives who thrive on the drama and gossip.

I cant help but wonder whose suggestion it was for you two to move in together. And I'm also guessing it would have involved you moving to him?

My ex was very agitated because, by 9 months, we hadn't moved in together and weren't even discussing it. He saw that as a 'red flag' himself! What he actually meant was, it would be far easier to control me and monitor my movements/interactions with others if we were under the same roof! Can you imagination what a nightmare that would have been!!

It's hard to not send a final msg to clarify that it is you ending the relationship because of his behaviour and not due to a guilty conscience and having been caught out but, honestly, it will make no difference. It never does to people who think like this.

[LEELULUMPKIN]

Life is way too short to be pandering to that twattery. Fuck him off OP and don't look back.

[Shoxfordian]

Block him

[Mrsmummy90]

Omg soooooo many red flags. Run. Fast!

[SinglePringle]

And so the script begins:

Abuse you
Blame you
Guilt you / Feel sorry for himself
Apologise
Win you
Abuse you...

[SimplySteveRedux]

Trust is the most important thing in any relationship. Despite an ex cheating on him, and him being cautious as a result, calling you a liar when you can prove 110% you called him isn't on, and would make me extremely uncomfortable.

[howdyalikemenow]

Ahh classic abuse cycle.

Remember In Jurassic Park when the velociraptors kept testing the perimeter fence to see if there were any weak spots? That's what abusive men do. They use one tactic (aggression) then another then a different one again to see which one has the desired effect. That's just what he's done to you.

I have been cheated on and betrayed and I get a bit triggered and paranoid but when that happens, I check myself, ask myself if it's fact or paranoia/imagination and take a moment to ground myself. I don't accuse my absolutely lovely dp of cheating on me just because someone else has done it to me before.

We've all been battered and bruised by love and life. Good people don't immediately accuse their loved ones of nefariousness.

[TowelNumber42]

Keep your phone off today. His messages by this evening will be even more illuminating of his abusive nature I expect.

[Rosemary46]

Keep your phone off today. His messages by this evening will be even more illuminating of his abusive nature I expect

This.

I predict you will get another Fake apology followed by emotional manipulation. This will be whatever he thinks will hook you in. Eg

“I cant believe you are doing this to me when you know what my ex did and how it hurt me “

“I cant believe you are acting like this, after all i have not done YYYY to you like your ex did “

“You are just overreacting to this because XXXXXX happened in your childhood”

Then maybe a touch of Future Faking

“ I really thought you were the one for me and i was just about to ask you to move in with me/ get engaged / start TTC / [whatever sign of commitment he thinks you would like]. “

Then he will get abusive.

[ButDoYouAvocado]

There really is nothing for you to 'sort out' though is there? He's very self absorbed.

[Desmondo2016]

You've definitely over invested in his phone issue. Who gives a shit what he thinks if you know the truth. Are you ending it OP?