Trust issue - falsely accused of lying by DP

[MrsGBlythe]

Need some advice on how to deal with this!

My DP and I live separately - a couple of hours apart - so don't see each other in the week but spend most weekends together. Last night I went out with my best friend for a meal and a rare child-free catch up (she has children, I don't). I said to DP I'd call him when I got home, which I did at about 10pm. He didn't answer, I didn't think too much of it, thinking he's probably fallen asleep in front of the tv or gone to bed already, and so I just went to bed thinking I'd catch up with him today.

At 6am this morning I got a text from him saying "did you get home ok last night?". I just replied saying "yes thanks" and a smiley emoji. He then followed up with "why didn't you call me?!". I said that I did but got no answer so went to bed. He's now livid at me as he says he had no missed calls and doesn't believe me. Despite me sending him a screenshot of the call log and telling him repeatedly that I did call him and have no reason to lie, he is still standing firm and not backing down, saying I'm lying and that I'm good with technology so could easily have "doctored" the log somehow?!

I phoned him and said I am very disappointed as I feel I've never done anything to warrant this amount of mistrust in me. He had admitted in one of his texts that he didn't want to be "treated like this again" (an ex did the dirty on him apparently but I don't know the details and haven't asked). I told him it was very unfair of him to judge me according to how he's been treated in the past.

He won't even discuss it - just says "sorry but I don't believe you".

How do I handle this?!!! Part of me says he won't change and this will only become more of an issue, but part of me also knows how it feels to be have been treated badly in the past and overreact to situations sometimes. I told him we need to get to the bottom of why he's feeling this way so we can move forward but he's adamant that I'm lying. Apparently my "responses were weirdly calm" too - yes, because I was quite shocked and trying to stay calm so it didn't escalate as I knew I'd done nothing wrong!!

[bananasaidso]

You don't have to prove anything to him or convince him. You showed him the screenshot and now it is up to him to believe it or not. I suspect his previous relationship did a number on her. He sounds like a control freak and very jealous and may be he just got suspicious of whatever she did. I would not stay in this relationship if I were you.

[fedup21]

If you stay with him now, this will only get worse.

What about the next time he accuses you of lying?

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

Your to the point message should simply state that this is no longer working for you so this is now at an end.

[HJWT]

Tell him to grow up! How sad...

[dontgobaconmyheart]

He has problems OP, I really wouldn't even argue the toss with him- you won't win will you because it's his own issue. You know you've not lied, anyone sane would accepted the screenshot, and indeed, anyone sane wouldn't think it appropriate to ask for evidence of your comings and goings as though they have a right to do so. Red flags galore and him being hurt in the past is not a reason to excuse it- he has hurt you now and doesn't care no?

Ah OP just don't do it, this is a power game, and he'll bully you until you let him win. Better to just end it and ignore him.

[Clutterbugsmum]

He just keeps saying "why is it that every other call you've made appears on my phone but not this one, something doesn't add up".

Because he is lying.

How do I convince him?! I've told him I'm not saying any more about it and I've given him the evidence that I did call, so I can't do any more!

You can't there is nothing you can do. He won't change his mind, he made is his mind up and that's final.

If it was me I would gather up everything of his that is at yours and deliver it back to his at the weekend and collect everything of mine and go home. And leave him to stew, as this is the start of him controlling you. You will feel uncomfortable going out with friends so you stop going out. He will then move onto something else to isolate you more and more.

[MrsGBlythe]

Feeling very sad but I know you are all right

[TheHodgeoftheHedge]

How do you handle this? By telling him exactly where to shove it and why, followed by having nothing whatsoever to do with this lunatic.
He’s shown you his true colours.

[MrsGBlythe]

We had plans to move in together soon and now that's all ruined. For the best that I find out now. It's just so weird how it came out of nowhere.

[fedup21]

Is this the first time anything has happened that you have been surprised by?

[huuskymam]

Count yourself lucky you found out what he was truly like before you moved it. Lucky escape.

[newmomof1]

You don't have two different numbers under one contact for him do you?

[BumbleBeee69]

I certainly wouldn't be moving in with someone who reacts this badly about a phone call. I think you need to reconsider who exactly it is you're dating.

[Choice4567]

Very true, best that you find out before you move in together. It’ll be hard now, but it would’ve been so much harder

[Zaphodsotherhead]

Best to end it now - it can only get worse. This kind of overreaction at a missed call isn't healthy from a supposedly adult human.

And did he actually say where he was, when he didn't answer this call? i smell a large rat there.

[MrsGBlythe]

@newmomof1 yes I do have two numbers for him - his work one and home one but only ever use his home one.

[cakecakecheese]

I was with someone like this, it was exhausting constantly having to provide proof of what I was doing. It's really not worth the effort. If someone doesn't trust you even with hard evidence it won't stop their paranoia.

[Higgeldypiggeldy35]

Red flag with neon lights and bells on sorry

[Starlight456]

Reality is it would be worse when you live with someone like this . Questioning the timings of trips . Bump into a friend pop off for a cuppa you were been unfaithful .

My biggest worry for you is that you feel that it is your responsibility to prove it to him not his to believe you.

I wouldn’t of said I would be in touch when I got home

[hadthesnip2]

I'd be tempted to say that yes, I did cheat. Thanks & goodbye.

I'd also be wondering where he was when you called. I wouldn't be surprised if he wasnt up to no good & is self projecting.

Life is too short. Gid rid.

[FriarTuck]

Are you absolutely sure you used the right number?!
I doubt he's really trying to control you, or that he was cheating and deflecting, or any of the usual red flag nonsense posted on here at the first opportunity. It's much more likely that he's got trust issues from his ex and genuinely thinks you're lying (or in Mumsnet terms - gaslighting him). That doesn't make him right & doesn't mean you should rush to forgive him or not end it. But do check the number, try ringing again with him not answering to see if it shows, and don't jump to a quick decision.

[MrsGBlythe]

@FriarTuck I don't think he was up to no good either. He's never given me any reason to suspect he's that type of person. Always home when I call out of the blue, that kind of thing, reliable, turns up when he says he will etc.

[WomanLikeMeLM]

Tell him that's his problem not yours and if he continues to accuse you again you will no longer ring him ever again full stop. You do not need to explain yourself to him.

[hellsbellsmelons]

We had plans to move in together soon and now that's all ruined
RUINED!!?????
He's saved you from a life of hell on earth.
From being controlled.
From being abused.
From being accused.
From trying to please him.
From him moving the goalposts all the time.
He's saved you having to move.
It's a blessing.

[newmomof1]

@MrsGBlythe have you checked that your phone wasn't just having a moment and called his work number by mistake?