My relationship is crippling me

[Tills85]

I have been with someone for about 6 months. We had a bit of a rocky start but then all was well. But for more than 1 reason I have always felt very anxious about it. I thought it was because I have been single for many years prior and wanted it to work so much. I would describe him as a bit of a lose canon. Good heart but a bit wild. He thinks a lot of himself and likes to talk about himself. I'm a quiet person and we kind of worked. But on many occasions I have noticed my needs are never a priority. Kind of like well you will be fine you always have managed. Recently we have made a decision we were both ready gor him to meet my DD. They hit it off and all was well. So it seemed. But tgere were cracks showing all the time. I think i knew it but wanted to ignore it. He has a short fuse with me not with others. I have to be very careful what I text, say or when I call. It is always on his terms, his time. He is keeping me on an arms lenght from his friends which I never met and family. I know he lied on number of occasions. Not about anything big but still. I am very forgiving and always kind of just leave it becahse I don't see a point in huge arguments. Byt recently something happend. He became very cold, distanced himself from me. Reduced contact. 1 day I have not heard from him all day which was unusual. But I left it. But hours later I text, called and nothing. When I called again his phone was off. I panicked because I had reasons to think he something could have happend to him (due to his health issues). I couldn't sleep all night I was driving myself crazy. I tried again in the morning and got through. He was very angry I woke him and put the phone down. I apologised but he has since ignired me and not spoke to me number of days. It is killing me and I don't know what to do. I cry can't eat or sleep. I'd so much rather him to tell me he's angry than to give me this silence treatment because it is killing me. Please don't judge me I just want need some advice. What do I do?

No man is better than a bad man, and this is a bad man. He is like a vampire, sucking all your energy and self esteem away. He is like a feral cat playing with a bird with a broken wing. There is nothing romantic or loving about this set up. Block his number, block him on all social media, have a good old cry for yourself and promise yourself that you won’t think about him for the rest of the day. Start thinking about some nice things you can do for yourself. How old is your daughter? Does she enjoy going swimming, or to the library?

You can’t change him (you can’t actually change anyone). But you can change yourself. You can change your behaviour and the way you react to the way people treat you. If you find single life boring and relentless then you need to find something to fill that free time that you like. Crafting or researching a subject you are interested in. Something that gets you out of your head for a while.

But don’t waste any more time or tears on this fella. He is not and never ever will be any good for you.

This man is very bad news, it is important that you get out of this relationship for your own safety and well-being

He’s abusive. You are worth more - everyone is. What’s so bad about being alone? It’s better than being with a c*nt like this. This sounds like punishment rather than a relationship and EVERYONE is worth more than that. You don’t need a partner for validation or self worth. Love and appreciate yourself, treat yourself how you deserve to be treated in a relationship. You come first. You’re worth more. He sounds utterly vile and NONE of this is your fault - people who love and care about you don’t ignore you and make you feel like you’re on eggshells all the time. Get rid and never look back

Focus on that image of the cat and the bird with a broken wing
You are the bird with the broken wing, the cat is toying with you taking pleasure in your pain and suffering, licking his lips and savouring the experience
he's thinks he's such a clever cat

Oh OP I can see from your posts that the worst is already done. You are questioning yourself, not seeing this for the abuse that it is, trying to not make him seem that bad.

He sounds horrendous. And I suspect you are playing it down a bit. You have a duty not just to yourself but to your child to get away from this man. Do you really want your child to see this relationship and think it is normal?

Love should be given freely. It really sounds like he doesn't even like you very much - and I don't mean to sound nasty, I'm just being honest. In 6 short months he has made you question yourself and not see any wrong in what he is doing!

Do you have any real life support, a parent or relative or friend? They will help you through this. Block him out of your life and focus on setting a strong example to yourself and your child.

The very best of luck to you

Also - so many people have step families, because they remarried! Having a child does not block you off from finding someone lovely. Please don't think like that

You sound lovely OP. You deserve better than this poor excuse of a man

I get it. He shows you a crumb of attention and you think thats enough because you have been on your own for a few years. Trust me when I say, if you stay with him, another year will go by, it will be harder to leave and you will have not one ounce left in you to find the strength to walk away

Do it now before its too late. You will not be lonely for long. It is short term pain

I’m sorry if this has already been mentioned as I haven’t had time to properly read the whole thread but...

OP, what would you do if your DD came to you and told you her man was treating her this way? You’d go ape shit and tell her to get rid.

And actually, if you carry on staying in relationships with tossers like the one you have now, it’s actually quite likely that she will end up in a similar situation because you’re showing her right now that it’s ok and it’s normal. It’s not ok. It’s not normal. He doesn’t love you.

You won’t be alone forever. And even if you are, I would even take being along forever than being with a twat like him even for one more day!

Get some strength for your daughters sake and get the hell out.

You’re worth a million times better.

Think jaffas video might be helpful :) Just pointing out though (don't know if she goes on to say as only got a wee bit in) that you don't have to have come from an unstable childhood to be co-dependent. An abusive relationship in adulthood can do it too.

Because these sorts always want their needs met and so to keep them happy and liking us (for the sake of our own self worth which we have attached to whether or not they are happy with us) we always put their needs first and push down our own as if they don't matter. And we get so used to it that it becomes pathological. So we go on to the next relationship, still damaged. And often, the damage we have...narcissists can sense it like a shark would blood. So we attract more narcissists and we are still co-dependent so we tolerate their crap too and it just becomes a cycle.

Educating ourself on narcissists and how they operate and all their little tricks like love-bombing (which is particularly affective when we have come out of another narcissistic relationship and are really craving affection) is how to prevent it from happening again. That and, if relevant, getting to grips with our own co-dependency/boundary issues, so that we can trust that in future not only will we not choose the wrong men but also, if we do, we will be able to say 'he's a wrong'un' when it happens, and leave.

Tills you have a unanimous LTB and you are still focusing on things HE has done and is doing.

You need to realise that he is just a cardboard cutout of what an abusive man looks like. They use the same tactics on everyone so there is no point analysing his behaviour. They are all the same!! Everything he does is to get his selfish needs met, even his very short list of 'nice' things are designed to manipulate you and keep you under his 'spell' so he can continue to control you. Can't you see that you are still with your abusive ex, he just has a different face. They are ALL the same. Why doesnt this disgust you? He is capable of everything your ex did to you and more.

You cannot make reason out of madness and this is madness. Stop buying into it.

If you don't face this reality then you will continue to be targeted by the same men. They may look different but trust me their motives and tactics are the same.

Many women (including me in the past) will put up with alot of abuse but draw the line at cheating.

100% you are not the only woman he is with right now. He already cheated on you in the beginning of the relationship (even if you weren't 'committed' yet, instead of spending that time to build something with you he was putting his dick elsewhere). You are probably not even his main source of supply as he is very distant with you so that he can be with his other women during these periods of silent treatment. This puts you at risk of STD's. He is putting your health in danger and I would suggest you go to a clinic to get checked out. One of my ex narcs was riddled with chlamydia and I had no idea.

Stop putting your fingers in your ears and realise you are not the only one he is doing this to. When he is giving you the silent treatment, he's not sat pining over you, he is shagging another poor victim and running the same bullshit game he is playing on you. They actually feel superior for doing this and getting away with it. He is laughing at you and how little he has to do to keep you hanging. I'm not saying this to be mean, you need to wake up!

There are a string of women before you he has done this to and there will be a string of women after you too. Refuse to be part of it and start to get angry. If he has done it to so many women, how can it possibly be your fault?

You seem so scared to lose him because you know if you show one ounce of self esteem by asserting your boundaries then he will leave. That's because he only wants to be with someone who will let him abuse them. Cant you see that it's a good thing if he fucks off when you have some self dignity? That is how women in healthy relationships end up in healthy relationships. Narcs dont want to be with them because they cant be abused.

All narcs will test you to see just how much abuse you will take. You are passing this test with flying colours and opening the doors for a whole shit show of more of the same.

Who cares what he does, it's about you waking up from this fantasy he has spun and taking control back of your life. Wake up OP!

TeaForTheWin,

Very interesting post! We do so often get told that if we are attached to these types of men we must have had something similar in childhood.

But like you said, just one abusive adult relationship is surely enough to spark a downward spiral?!

Please get out....no....run away as fast as possible...please re read your post again and again. Its red flag city right there! He is not a good man, you are not in love, he has chosen you because your self esteem is so low he can act in any way he likes and you will put up with it. I have been a single mum for years and have met lovely men in my time. There are lovely guys out there. Single mum is better than being a controlled abused mum...thats probably where this relationship will end up. Run for the hills xx

thegirlracer

Yeah definitely. I mean especially if you don't know about cluster b's or perhaps are having a tough time (just out of a relationship or lost someone close to you or depressed) and here comes a lovebomber making you feel special and loved. And they don't give you time or space to think, just sweep you up in a whirlwind. Eg: like OP says, the way they look at you like a queen, can be intoxicating and you just get swept along.

So when they first do something 'out of character' you naturally think - did I misunderstand? Or - did something I do cause this? Or you just let it slide or forgive it because hey, this person is normally so nice or has been there for me ect… (Because who wouldn't think that? It is simple human nature) especially if they are telling you you misunderstood or are the reason they said or did what they said or did.

All it takes it being a bit too nice, forgiving or insecure in the beginning...and then that gives them space to take route and spread. And before you know it, they are so in your head that you can't hear your own voice anymore and they break you down and condition you to always put their needs first and to base your own self worth upon how they are looking at you that day. And when you finally break free, you think that's it...but often it isn't, because they are still in there. Until you deal with their voice and find your own again you are always at risk of another abuser coming along and beginning the cycle again.

I am aware some or a lot of my issues are from my childhood. My father left when i was a young child and even tho we knew how much of a bastard he was i always sought his approval. I never told him that as we have a very little contact he was never there but deep down i always craved his approval. Even now as an adult when i see him spiradicly i find myself wanting him to tell me he's proud or that ive done well. But it never happens and it never will. I just never realised how this could have shaped me as a person and have an effect on the type of men i go for or attract

Yeah, it could be making you drawn towards men who are emotionally distant or who don't treat you good enough because subconsciously you feel you don't deserve to be treated well because your dad left you? Or perhaps these men remind you of your dad so you think in winning approval from them you would be getting that approval from him. Or both. That might be total hogwash, pop psychology though xD

Maybe try that thing where you write a letter to your dad telling him how him not being in your life affected you ect... And then burn it. For closure.

He doesn't define your life anymore, no one does but you :)

Your childhood is mine to a tee, and it absolutely shaped my instincts, my want to please a man, to blame myself. I've had a lot of counselling and now have much healthier boundaries, though they still need work! I would recommend you do some work on yourself, after ditching this shithead to where he belongs. You are worth more xx (and so is your daughter)

You asked why he doesn’t leave you?

Because you are a vagina that he whenever he wants.

He does not see you as a person.

You will lose so much more of yourself the longer this goes on.

Loneliness can be cured in a million better ways than by staying in an abusive relationship.

This is all so painful to read OP! My only hope is that deep down, you have this inkling that this man is harming you. Your thread title ‘My relationship is crippling me’ says so and I do hope that you stand back and really take everything you read in here on board. I don’t want to kick you while you are already feeling so very fragile. But humouring you and not trying to dissuade you from allowing an abusive man in your life won’t help you. So, in the most caring and kindest way, even if you care so little for yourself, you have to put your daughter first. You are not a single entity; you have a family to protect. You owe it to your DD to not inflict this kind of emotional abuse on her. You can’t change this man but you can avoid your daughter being exposed to the same sort toxic and harmful relationship model that caused you such ongoing harm and made you a prime candidate for narcissistic, abusive men!

He later admitted he sleptwith someone else but that we were only seeing eachother not wete oficially a couple so he easnt really guilty of doing anything wrong. When he came back hesaid it will all change

He cheated on you. At the stage of the relationship when he is supposed to he so enamoured with you that he doesn't even notice other women.

He tested your boundaries to see what you'd tolerate and, yes, you accepted his lame explanation of not really being together properly.

But, oh, it will all change! I'll he'd done nothing wrong, why the need to change?

He did the full works on you.

Will she tolerate being treated like shit? Disrespected? Disregarded? Yes.

Does she have good and string boundaries and self esteem? No.

Will she accept my weak explanation that we weren't really together? Not properly..? She will? Oh good.

And will she accept an emotional promise to change? Yep? Bingo!

If you'd told him where to go at any of these stages, yes, he'd have walked
Not because he was hurt. But because he'd have known that he was wasting his time.

This isn't love op. Please listen. He doesn't love him and you are so desperate that you're prepared to put up with anything. It's frustrating to hear you make excuses for him when it's so obvious to everyone else.

Why do you value yourself so little that you are prepared to put up with this kind of behaviour. Is this preferable to being on your own, I do not think so. What is there to love about him really?

Oh, OP. Sadly, I have been where you are; I did not see the signs. He must have seen me coming. I had never heard of narcissistic traits, or co-dependency. I inadvertently got myself in to the most awful, desperately sad situation & life was very hard as a result. If I'd had better boundaries, I would have prevented so much pain & misery.

There have been a couple of posters on this thread who have given excellent advice - @TeaForTheWin & @Jaffacakesaremyfave.

You are probably feeling utterly crap just now; please take strength from all the posters here who are rooting for you. Be kind to yourself & concentrate on yourself & your DD

He's a wrong 'un. End it.

Oh, op.

Don't teach your daughter all that you were exposed to as a child.

Love yourself. No one else will. We came into this world alone and we leave it that way. Imbetween we need to treat our own self as precious.

Most people who have posted on here have been there OP. Please don't think you will be the exception who can change this man. I'm worried for you and your daughter here. Not a single person has come out in support of this low life you are with.
By whatever means, break free, or he will break you.