My relationship is crippling me

[Tills85]

I have been with someone for about 6 months. We had a bit of a rocky start but then all was well. But for more than 1 reason I have always felt very anxious about it. I thought it was because I have been single for many years prior and wanted it to work so much. I would describe him as a bit of a lose canon. Good heart but a bit wild. He thinks a lot of himself and likes to talk about himself. I'm a quiet person and we kind of worked. But on many occasions I have noticed my needs are never a priority. Kind of like well you will be fine you always have managed. Recently we have made a decision we were both ready gor him to meet my DD. They hit it off and all was well. So it seemed. But tgere were cracks showing all the time. I think i knew it but wanted to ignore it. He has a short fuse with me not with others. I have to be very careful what I text, say or when I call. It is always on his terms, his time. He is keeping me on an arms lenght from his friends which I never met and family. I know he lied on number of occasions. Not about anything big but still. I am very forgiving and always kind of just leave it becahse I don't see a point in huge arguments. Byt recently something happend. He became very cold, distanced himself from me. Reduced contact. 1 day I have not heard from him all day which was unusual. But I left it. But hours later I text, called and nothing. When I called again his phone was off. I panicked because I had reasons to think he something could have happend to him (due to his health issues). I couldn't sleep all night I was driving myself crazy. I tried again in the morning and got through. He was very angry I woke him and put the phone down. I apologised but he has since ignired me and not spoke to me number of days. It is killing me and I don't know what to do. I cry can't eat or sleep. I'd so much rather him to tell me he's angry than to give me this silence treatment because it is killing me. Please don't judge me I just want need some advice. What do I do?

You are not being the best mother you can be when you are twisting yourself out of shape to pander to this cold, empty shell of a man

Do not be scared of losing this guy, Just lose him full stop.He doesn't sound reliable at all, and you have already said that he is off hand with you,and gets angry.

You have been on your own for quite a long time,and maybe meeting a man now, has kind of gone to your head a little,but I can't really see how you can love this man,as you say you do,when you obviously have noticed. and felt some things are not that rosy.

I would give up the texting frequently,as he seems to be bothered about being contacted at times.

But do not write yourself off re ever meeting anyone again,just be positive if you wish to meet someone again.

I have been on my own for 5 years. How will I ever again find anyone who will accept a single mum. It would never happen again
OP I'm sorry but loneliness or desperation are not good enough reasons to have this person in your life and, worse, in your daughter's life. Nor is love, if this is what you really do think this is.

At the moment you are laying your self respect, your dignity and your warm heart on the ground for this uncaring person to walk all over. Aren't you worth more than this?

Take a deep breath and re-read your own posts again - but from the eyes of your child.

What, truly, would you advise her to do?

I hope you have the strength to walk away and stay away from him. 🌹

Op I’ve been single for 8 years!! He is using you and you need to be sleeping and eating so you can function for your daughter! I can’t bare feeling how you feel so tend to stay away from dating but I’m happy single, no normal person would ever behave like him, he is not interested and as soon as you text him and dump him it’s iver, relief will wash over you and your anxiety wil lift. He is a narcissist who wil destroy you and your daughter, just remember she is watching and hearing all of this and will end up like you with men if you don’t sort it out.

Another sleepless night. I'm not sure how to go about this now what's next. The fear is so bad it's crippling. I know & understand what you say but going back into this desperate lonelines i have had for years is like facing another prison sentence

But being with this man is also a prison sentence. And will get worse. This is only six months in, he's barely got started on you.

Do you have any female friendships ? Or have you dropped them all to prostrate yourself at the altar of this inadequate man.

Cultivate them, not him

He sounds so horrible op. You need warmth and happiness not this cold, living on the edge, what if I make him angry? Half life.

Relationships should make life easier and lighter.

Please please get rid of him. It's not going to get any better, he is a vampire.

This is so hard to read. You have to fix yourself before you are ready to commit to someone. There will always be single men - you don’t have to settle for the first one who shows you interest, especially when he is an unpleasant dick with his full colours on show. You are really REALLY not ready for a relationship - you aren’t doing your children any favours. Get counselling, do the Freedom Course, get some interests, some female friends, even an occasional no-strings lover for when you don’t have your dc about. But the last thing you need is this man in your life.

This is such a depressing read.

Please just leave,he will never make you or your daughter happy. Do the freedom programme to help you understand your situation . There are far worse situations than being single.

This relationshio is going nowhere. He is abusive, short-fused, selfish etc. He must never meet your daughter as he will destroy her too. You can’t allow that to happen as it is your job to protect her.

He brought fun back into my life even tho i don't agree with all of the ideas of fun he does.

And this is the best you can say about him?

Out of curiosity, can you tell us what sort of "ideas of fun" he has that you don't agree with?

I have been on my own for 5 years. How will I ever again find anyone who will accept a single mum. It would never happen again

I'm a single mum. I'm on my second round of it now and been on my own for a similar amount of time to you.

In that time, I've met met, dated a couple of men and, as soon as they've shown any behaviours I dont want in my life, I've walked.

Actually, it's quite offensive to read that you think we, as single mothers, are substandard and should accept whatever shit comes our way! Why would you give away your and your daughter's lives so cheaply? The best you can say about him is that ye has brought fun into your life even though you dont think it is fun? Really? That's it?

My last 'proper' relationship lasted for 12 years. It was also emotionally abusive and I stayed because I had my mother telling me all the sort of things you are telling yourself - that I was lucky he had taken me on with a child; that I could end up on my own; that I already had one failed relationship behind me and couldn't afford another; that no one else would ever want me...

Eventually, I thought "fuck that" and ended it.

Am I still on my own? Yes.
Do I feel I belong to someone? No, and I hope i never do!
Do i get lonely? Yes, sometimes.

Would i EVER date a man such as the one you describe? Ever? Not a fucking chance! He'd be so far out of my life by now!

I know it's hard - it was hard for me too. But you've already got out of one toxic relationship, why on earth would you put up with another?!!

My upbringing was abusive, my relationships have been with men who are ambivalent at best and abusive at worst. Do you think I should accept the first piece of shit that floats my way just so that I'm not alone and 'belong' to someone?

Because I dont. And I dont think you should either.

This situation (not going to call it a relationship) is not making you happy and will damage your child.

Dump him (and feel how empowering that is!), get some counselling and show your daughter how a strong woman lives her life.

You do not need a man to validate you and this one isn't even doing that.

Oh, and you dont love him. What you are describing is a trauma bond.

Jesus he doesn't give a flying fuck about you. Hes an arsehole and you don't even mind that much.

And you sound absolutely desperate for a man, any man at all, even a totally shit one like this. This man could spit at you and you'd excuse it so you don't have to be alone.

It's all so fucked up.

You mentioned that you've never met his friends, but have you met his family?

And one last comment from me.

My mother, clearly, thought the same way you do. She would date anyone after her divorce just so that she wasnt alone and felt the 'belonging' of being in a relationship.

The sort of man who will date a woman who will 'date anyone just so as not to be alone' is not the sort of man you want in your life. Or your daughter's.

Long story short, SS became involved and she has had no contact with her adult children or grandchildren for nearly 8 years and never will again. She sacrificed her whole family just so that she wasn't single - just so that she felt she 'belongs' to a man.

Is this what you'd want for your daughter? She's learning from you about what a relationship should look like. Get some help with your self respect and get out.

Oh OP please just make the break from him now. This sounds utterly awful. Good relationships are not like this. You deserve a proper life, not this. Your dd also deserves a proper life, not this.

If this is what you are used to in life it is easy to think that you just need to accept his appalling behaviour towards you. Also you love him and you think this is better than not having him at all. Having made that break twice in my life I can honestly say being the other side without all that hassle and upset and drama is amazing. Having met someone utterly lovely recently I can now say that relationships don't need to be like this.

Please don't stay with him and if you can't put yourself first please put your dd first and do it for her. Don't inflict this unhappy world on her and don't teach her this is normal or acceptable. Xxx

You will end up begging him just to put up with you
He hates you-and all women
Google narcissist
The silent treatment is evil imo, he wants to torture you

Agree with all posters and @ surfingtheweb .... 100 % in agreement... my knowledge and understanding of NPD is incredible now courtesy of mumsnet .
So grateful for that and rest assured my DD will be made very aware of acceptable and unacceptable behaviour in relationships.
I was oblivious

Can you ring Women's Aid and ask them if they think your DP is abusive? Would that help you to see that you should leave the relationship while you still can? They'll also be able to help you extract yourself and give you the courage to do that.

You'll have to leave eventually or the alternative is spending the rest of your life with this man, feeling the way you do, when you could be with a lovely DP whose only annoyance is snoring or leaving the loo seat up.

If it feels this difficult after 6 months, imagine how much more difficult it'll be after 6 years. Do it now, before your lives become so entwined it feels impossible to be without him.

You're also setting a really low standard to your DD about what she should settle for in a relationship. Even if you don't feel you deserve better, she does. He's also not going to be a good father to her and she'll spend her childhood treading on eggshells too.

This thread worries me due to several reasons. Most importantly, your daughter barely rates a mention. Where is she when you are crying, crippled, desperate and hopeless? You've known this man for such a short time yet he seems to be what your whole world is revolving around.

He is no good, we are all telling you the same thing but all you are seeing is fear about not being someone's "person". You are your daughters "person" and are her whole world. Get your priorities straight and leave this man immediately.

Your lack of self respect, esteem and worth is also concerning. You do not get these things from a man, especially one who quite frankly sounds absolutely horrid.

He does not care for you! Listen to that. So why are you wasting all of your time and energy on him? All he is doing is making you feel bad. You sound abused. Walking around on eggshells to do everything "right" so he likes you when he does not. It also sounds like he may be in a relationship already and you are his hidden side piece.

I'm a single mother of three. I do now have a boyfriend however there was never a moment when I ignored my kids, crumbled into a heap and needed a man to value me before I could be happy. Find some strength if not for yourself, but for your daughter.

It is insulting you assume all single
mothers wallow in misery and are essentially serving a jail sentence if a big strong man does not save us. There is NOTHING wrong with not having a partner. You are a mother, you are not alone. It's sad that you continue to talk about being single as being miserable and alone - again where is your daughter?

It's only six months. You are not tied together or sharing a home, just text him now and say you do not want to see him anymore. Then block him. EASY!

Then pick yourself up off the floor and focus on being happy with, and for, your precious child.

Every update you post just gets more depressing.

You should be in the honeymoon period of your relationship, not learning how to appease him.

Leave him. Learn to enjoy your own company. Get out, make friends and deal with your loneliness. He us absolutely not the answer you are looking for.

For the sake if your child, bin this loser.

If your daughter was being treated like this, you would be tearing your hair out. Surely you can see how wrong it is.

In 6 months he’s managed to knock your self-esteem out the park. Imagine what will remain of you in 6 years’ time

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