My relationship is crippling me

[Tills85]

I have been with someone for about 6 months. We had a bit of a rocky start but then all was well. But for more than 1 reason I have always felt very anxious about it. I thought it was because I have been single for many years prior and wanted it to work so much. I would describe him as a bit of a lose canon. Good heart but a bit wild. He thinks a lot of himself and likes to talk about himself. I'm a quiet person and we kind of worked. But on many occasions I have noticed my needs are never a priority. Kind of like well you will be fine you always have managed. Recently we have made a decision we were both ready gor him to meet my DD. They hit it off and all was well. So it seemed. But tgere were cracks showing all the time. I think i knew it but wanted to ignore it. He has a short fuse with me not with others. I have to be very careful what I text, say or when I call. It is always on his terms, his time. He is keeping me on an arms lenght from his friends which I never met and family. I know he lied on number of occasions. Not about anything big but still. I am very forgiving and always kind of just leave it becahse I don't see a point in huge arguments. Byt recently something happend. He became very cold, distanced himself from me. Reduced contact. 1 day I have not heard from him all day which was unusual. But I left it. But hours later I text, called and nothing. When I called again his phone was off. I panicked because I had reasons to think he something could have happend to him (due to his health issues). I couldn't sleep all night I was driving myself crazy. I tried again in the morning and got through. He was very angry I woke him and put the phone down. I apologised but he has since ignired me and not spoke to me number of days. It is killing me and I don't know what to do. I cry can't eat or sleep. I'd so much rather him to tell me he's angry than to give me this silence treatment because it is killing me. Please don't judge me I just want need some advice. What do I do?

And.... NO - none of this is your fault.
The only fault is that you are choosing him over your mental health and upbringing of an independent well balanced daughter!

This is what abusers do. They get inside our heads.
They mess it up.
They make us think it's us and not them.
Stop listening to his bullshit.
Pull the plug on this dire situation.

Thinking it's your fault gives you a false sense of control in this situation. Because if it's something you've done, then you can do it differently, and he'll be different. But it's not true. He's treating you like shit because he enjoys having the power to do so. There is absolutely nothing you can do or say or change to make him treat you better.

@Tills85

I have been on my own for 5 years. How will I ever again find anyone who will accept a single mum. It would never happen again

He knows that this is how you feel and it means that he can treat you however he wants and yo’ll just put up with it.

Lots of people go into relationships and get married when they already have children (you only have to look at the number of step-child and step-parent threads to see that.

You are worth so much more than this, and how you allow yourself to be treated will set the pattern for your DDs relationships in the future.

Being alone doesn’t mean you have to seek solace with the wrong kind of man.

He’s a wrong man on so many levels.

It mustn’t be much fun for your daughter having a mum who is completely consumed by and miserable with a man she’s only known 6 months. She deserves much better than that, please put her first, before your need for this unsuitable man.

This is how domestic abuse starts.

Get out now before you’re in a situation where a social worker is telling you to choose between your dc and your dp.

How on earth could it be your fault? What is it you think you've done to deserve this treatment? Do you think that just because you have a child, you have no right to expect kindness and love from a partner?

He is vile. Every single thing you've said about him would be reason enough on its own to ltb.

I'm so scared of being on my own

Are you so scared of being alone that you are willing to sacrifice your child to this relationship OP? Because that is what you are doing, your poor DC has to watch this man take their mother apart bit by bit, day by day all because you "love" him. They have to watch this and eventually they too will be emotionally, verbally and mentally abused by this man, you need to protect your child.

Nothing is ever his/her fault.
He/she is self-centered.
He/she intimidates you when he is angry.
He/she has double standards.
He/she treats you differently around other people.
He/she appears to be attracted to vulnerability.
He/she has an attitude that they are superior.

Other signs of abuse:

He/she retaliates against you for complaining about his/her behavior.
He/she tells you that your objections to their mistreatment are your own problem.
He/she gives apologies that sound insincere or angry, and they demand that you accept them.
He/she blames you for the impact of their behavior.
It’s never the right time, or the right way, to bring up things.

Just read some of these signs of abuse OP, maybe read at the link, this is you, this is the life you are living, this is the life that you are forcing your DC to live.

This man's behaviour is designed to cause you stress and anxiety, to keep you guessing about what is the "correct" thing to do, it is designed to keep you weak and vulnerable, to dance to his tune and to keep you under his control.

ccada.org/signs_of_an_abusive_person.aspx

FFS OP! What would you do if a man was treating your daughter this way?
Really think about this.

You've "learned" to only call and text at certain times as to not anger him - are you a dog that needs training?

You're always making sure he's happy when you see each other - what does he do to make sure you're happy?

He doesn't give a shit if you're having sleepless nights and not going into work - you're actually letting this affect your job! He doesn't care because in his eyes it's all about him - is that the kind of supportive person you want in your life?

Every now and then he will throw you a bone by saying something nice or being nice to you so he can keep you strung along and 99% of the time he will be a dick. He is not a nice person . You and your DD deserve better.

Please get out now. I was with a tosser EXACTLY like this (could well be the same one from what you say!)
My gut told me there was something off but everything I looked at about him wasn't a sign of abuse! How could it be? He was charming, would do anything for anyone, had loads of friends, was a great son, great brother, responsible job, own home and a son he ought to see through the courts for years. Then I realised I wasn't getting any of that person. When I finally met his son I stared seeing he was treating him the same as me. He was a piece of property. Not worthy of love or respect, but a box to tick that showed that perfect life I could see initially, the perfect life that everyone could see that made him be such a great guy.
I started feeling anxious ALL the time, couldn't understand why. I did whatever he wanted to do because I wanted to keep him happy. I started avoiding saying anything to make sure I didn't say something that would upset him because he made everything out to be my fault. And for the most part I believed it. It culminated in him strangling me one night after I confronted him about a slip up where he old me he'd cheated on me. That was my fault too btw, why would I start an argument????
I got rid of him, it took months of panic attacks, ignoring all his messages of how much he loved me but 'I' wasn't in the right place for a relationship blah blah blah.
2 years later I met my partner, he's EVERYTHING I need and more. He would walk over hot coals for me, he accepted me AND MY THREE CHILDREN because he loves me as much as I love him. Don't get me wrong, we have little bickers over stupid shit, but my gut isn't screaming at me that this is wrong! It did with the abusive ex. It took me ages to work out that it was emotional abuse back then. Two years I ignored my gut. Please DONT ignore yours. Fuck the asshole off and get your life back. The right guy will come along, and even if it's in a bloody decade, it's worth more than accepting the bullshit from this abusive idiot. YOU DESERVE MORE and you need to look after you. He won't.

@lindamors that's really not appropriate to share here.

Put your daughter first and GET OUT of this farce you call a relationship. You desperately need some counselling to see why you're in such denial about the shocking treatment you're putting up with.

You've had unanimous advice - please listen!

How will I ever again find anyone who will accept a single mum. It would never happen again

The same way millions of other single parents found love.

No idea where you get that you won’t find anyone.

I think you need to work on your confidence and get out there.

Not to be to harsh Tiles but how much effort do you put into going out and meeting new people.

Friend (single parent with 2 children) belonged to loads of dating websites and usually had a few guys on the go at any one time.

She would chat to them during the week and EOW when dc were with their df she could go out with as many as 7 guys from Friday night to Sunday night. Breakfast or coffee, lunches and dinner or drinks

It became almost a habit.

In the end she met someone through work.

Don’t be scared of being on your own be scared of continuing this abusive relationship.

I hear what everyone is saying. But do you really not think any of this is my fault?

Yes. Some of it is your fault. It is your fault you are ignoring your gut. NEVER ignore your gut. You are not alone. Make friends and make a circle of friends that will build you up for who you are, not knock you down for what they want you to be. You and especially your daughter deserve better. Don't let her watch your behaviours with men like this and assume that's the norm, is this what you want for your daughters future?

Jesus OP. "loving" someone is not a good enough reason to overlook thos glaring flashing red flags. Youve got a kid too ffs. Insecure attachment to someone who is abusive can feel like love, but its not the same thing. Look it up. This guy will hurt you badly. emotionally, but quite possibly phyiscally too, and also your daughter once she gets older and knows her own mind

Lind that link isn't going to help the OP. She cannot make this man change and it is just giving a vulnerable woman false hope that there is anything in this relationship for her.

OP I'm going to be blunt again because I have been this lost to codependency myself before and I really hope this gets through to you.

You need to stop self flagellating by trying to find yourself at fault in this relationship. I think you find it easier to accept that there is something wrong with you than accept you are in a hopeless abusive relationship and face being alone. It is a very selfish mindset to have when you have a DD. It is YOUR responsibility to ensure you stay away from situations that take your mental energy away from your responsibilities as a mother. You are deliberately staying in a situation that will destroy you and choosing to remain ignorant to the poor choices you are making.

You have a DD and cant afford to stay in this mindset. If you continue a relationship with this man, you could one day face losing custody of your DD.

Yes he is a completely horrible, manipulative piece of shit but you have to take responsibility that you have let him in your life and continue to allow him to be in it despite every sign (and 100's of women posting here) telling you to run for yours and your daughters safety.

Stop dating anyone until you have got to the bottom of your codependency issues. It is your responsibility as a mother to do this as god knows what this man is really capable of and what he could potentially do to your DD.

Yes it can be lonely being a single parent at times but your need for validation from men should never come before your instincts to protect your daughter.

My Dsis's adult son no longer speaks to her because she spent his whole life chasing abusive men. I promise your DD will be furious with you if you continue to put these men before her and if you dont lose her now, you will lose any hope of a good relationship with her in the future. Your relationship with your DD is the only one that will truly matter in the long run. Men come and go and this one needs to go!

lindamors

All for the price of $49.95 you can learn to stay with your abusive a**ehole

I've actually reported Linda's post as I don't think the OP should read that in her vulnerable state.

lindamors
This is the second time I have seen you post on a page where vulnerable women are going through abuse. You should be ashamed of yourself because either you are not reading the OPs post or you are deliberately targeting their vulnerability in order to sell your product. Disgusting.

Reported it too ribenaberriesgoweoo so hopefully they block the profile, she posted similar on a similar chat too. Amazing how brazen some people can be. Screw other people as long as they make a buck.

It is mindowingall the comments are the same. Ishould probablyadd that when we met and were seeing eachother for a month or so he then dissapeared without a word. He later admitted he sleptwith someone else but that we were only seeing eachother not wete oficially a couple so he easnt really guilty of doing anything wrong. When he came back hesaid it will all change

It's been deleted. Thank goodness.

OP, please, this really isnt a healthy relationship. You and your daughter deserve so much more. Don't let your daughter grow up thinking that this is an acceptable way to be treated.

seeing eachother for a month or so he then disapeared without a word I've seen this done before too (actually experienced it once) it's a thing narcissists do. You think everything is going well and then they vanish and leave you feeling 'wtf happened? have I done something wrong?' and then they come back (usually with a shit excuse as to why they haven't been reachable...worse in his case) and if you forgive the fact that they ghosted and take them back then they know you are the sort of person they can easily manipulate. Its a test.

Watch this video and think about how it applies to you OP. I hope it will help you see things more clearly