My relationship is crippling me

[Tills85]

I have been with someone for about 6 months. We had a bit of a rocky start but then all was well. But for more than 1 reason I have always felt very anxious about it. I thought it was because I have been single for many years prior and wanted it to work so much. I would describe him as a bit of a lose canon. Good heart but a bit wild. He thinks a lot of himself and likes to talk about himself. I'm a quiet person and we kind of worked. But on many occasions I have noticed my needs are never a priority. Kind of like well you will be fine you always have managed. Recently we have made a decision we were both ready gor him to meet my DD. They hit it off and all was well. So it seemed. But tgere were cracks showing all the time. I think i knew it but wanted to ignore it. He has a short fuse with me not with others. I have to be very careful what I text, say or when I call. It is always on his terms, his time. He is keeping me on an arms lenght from his friends which I never met and family. I know he lied on number of occasions. Not about anything big but still. I am very forgiving and always kind of just leave it becahse I don't see a point in huge arguments. Byt recently something happend. He became very cold, distanced himself from me. Reduced contact. 1 day I have not heard from him all day which was unusual. But I left it. But hours later I text, called and nothing. When I called again his phone was off. I panicked because I had reasons to think he something could have happend to him (due to his health issues). I couldn't sleep all night I was driving myself crazy. I tried again in the morning and got through. He was very angry I woke him and put the phone down. I apologised but he has since ignired me and not spoke to me number of days. It is killing me and I don't know what to do. I cry can't eat or sleep. I'd so much rather him to tell me he's angry than to give me this silence treatment because it is killing me. Please don't judge me I just want need some advice. What do I do?

You had five years but you didn't fix the problem. You didn't learn to love yourself. So when another abuser came along, you were still an easy target.

I get it that the feeling of being someones person is comforting. But do you really want to be the sidekick in your own story? Everyone should be the protagonist in their own life don't you think? Or at least, an equal partner. He doesn't see you as his equal, he sees you as a vulnerable person who he can exploit.

You walk away because you must, because you owe it to yourself (not just to your child, to YOURSELF). You owe yourself a chance at happiness, that is why you walk away. And how, well that part might be harder, but you can do it.

Just because a person has done nice things for you, doesn't make them a nice person. Now he has shown you now who he really is, believe it.

Please get some self esteem & leave him. Why would you want to be with such an arsehole (and that's being pleasant) as him. What does he do to make you feel good...??

Please listen to everyone on here.....dump him & find someone who puts you first....not last.

Awww hun...wish I could give you a hug. I know you feel you love him but he is not good for you. If someone was treating your daughter like this , would you feel it's right, what would you tell Her?

You have to try to to be strong. It will hurt but you will get through it. Be strong for your lovely daughter.

Tills poor love he wants to be with you to be horrible - you don’t walk away- he already has - just step up, block him, don’t engage if he shows up and drag all of your energy into forging a life for you. You don’t have to be someone’s person, you are not a belonging you are a wonderful person who needs the sun on her face - jump into your future without him

Oh OP I could have written your post. My ex was so like this I am wondering if you are the woman he dumped me for. This will never get better, only worse, til he gets bored or finds someone else.
I was, and sometimes still am, heartbroken at what I lost and at not being his person anymore but then I realise I gained - freedom from a cruel and careless man who would never ever love me and make me feel like shit for even expecting it.
It’s not you, it’s him. It will always be him. Everything making you feel wrong and anxious and unloveable is him.
You deserve more. You aren’t some pariah who needs to take what she can get. You are someone who deserves to be loved and this clown is holding you back.
Every time you feel sad about not being ‘his’ person, imagine what it would be like to have a person who treated you with love and respect and care. Wait for that.

I'm going to take slightly different tack from everyone else: your man is behaving in an abusive way and you are certainly behaving in an obsessed way. This is a bad bad combo. From your posts you sound completely obsessed with a man who doesn't seem to care for you and treats you badly. You say in your last post that he "wants to be with you" but I'm not reading that from your post at all.
You ask what you should do - this is where I agree with everyone else - you need to ditch him and then get yourself some help in overcoming this obsession with him. Nothing good will come from this 'relationship' - 6 months in should be all lovey dovey. Just because you decide "wanted it to work" so much, doesn't mean you are right for each other. You've got hung up on 'having a relationship' and any man will do. This is not the good basis for a long term partnership. Ditch him and get help

You don't have to walk away. You don't have to stay with him. What you DO need to do asap is work out what has happened in your life that you accept abusive relationship and think it's your fault.
Because it's not.
Just that it's not your fault the men you have been involved with are abusive.
Please do yourself, and if not you do your daughter the kindness of not letting these men into your life. It is YOUR choice, not there's, not ours YOURS you get to be in coni of your happiness, if it's not making you happy, emotional okay then STOP it x

So would you get angry with him if he called just to see if you were ok? If so, fine. But we both know you don’t actually think there’s anything wrong with calling anyone because you are worried and want to check they are ok. It’s pretty basic. Come on...please value yourself more than this

You are wrong about me being obsessed. I leave him to it. There were more than 1 occasions I left him to it when he needed time. Ive learned not to call only when he expects me to. I don't hassle him or pest him. Im not obsessed.

OP I have re-read your posts and honestly it’s chilling how familiar the behaviour you are describing and some of the statements are. Are you based in the SE by any chance?

You're not blind, I have a degree in psychology and I married a narcissist!! I like you was single for a long time. But for gods sake be better than me and don't ignore the warning signs, please, please don't. I know it's hard, they love bomb you, make you think this is forever, get you so twisted & invested with the head f8ck stuff. Please get out now while you can. By the way I've learnt more about abusive men on Mumsnet than I did in 4 years studying psychology!! Please listen to the advice you are being given. He is not the one, there are many men out there who are not going to destroy you. You just have to date & be ready to see the signs & drop crap people

Ive learned not to call only when he expects me to probably because when you don't he yells at you. I think she meant obsessed in that you are just letting him away with all his rotten behaviour and that comes across as you being obsessed with him because there's no other reason you would tolerate it. But the fact is, his kind bring about that kind of behaviour by the way they condition you eg...into only calling when they want you too.

He doesn't yell. It doesn't bother him if i don't call. It's when i do he doesn't always like it. Ir he hungs up or says he's with friends or family so he can't talk

OP, you said it took you a long time to get over what your previous abusive ex did to you. It is very obvious you have not recovered from your past abusive relationship because you are sleepwalking straight into another one. I promise you that if you stay with this man, you will find yourself back in that dark place and will have to go through the pain of extracting yourself from another awful relationship. You will find yourself back at rock bottom. Do you really want to be there again when you have worked so hard to escape?

Just because your current partner is abusive in a different way to the last one, it doesnt mean he's not abusive.

I agree he sounds very narcissistic. Everything is on his terms (entitled and lack of empathy), he gets angry at you over nothing (narcissistic rage), he makes you feel like shit (devaluing you), he stone walls you (classic emotional abuse tactic to get you to bend to his will). All this only 6 months in! Abusers always make you feel like it is your fault but the reality is that nothing you ever do for this man will be good enough and the rules will keep changing. It is 100% him and not you.

The problem here lies with your lack of self esteem and fear of being alone. Abusers can sniff out vulnerable women and you are the perfect target because he knows he can treat you like dirt and you will stay because you would rather have anyone than be 'alone'. Trust me, he knows this! The feelings you have for this man are not love, it is your desperate need for validation and it's likely this twisted dynamic feels 'right' in some way because of your past (most likely your childhood). Try and identify the original narcissist in your life (for me it was my father).

You have to protect your DD from not only this man, but also from witnessing your codependent behaviours because she will very likely mirror this and end up in abusive relationships when she is an adult. You have to stop the cycle of abuse now. If you don't, you will be an enabler to the abuse and I guarantee your DD will be angry at you for this when she is older.

I used to be so much like you OP and the best piece of advice I can give is to leave this relationship, stop dating completely and focus solely on recovering from your codependency issues. It is an active process so being single is not enough, you have to put the work in to really address your issues of low self esteem and lonliness. Yes it hurts, there are times when you feel lonely and invisible, but at least you then stand a chance of finally healing and being able to give yourself validation rather than craving it from abusive men.

Stop letting these bastards feed off your self doubt. They are incapable of caring about you and ever giving you a truly loving and reciprocal relationship. It's all lies he is feeding you when he is being 'nice'. Read up on covert narcissism and also on healing from codependency. Lisa Romano has some really good videos on the topic.

Tills imagine a perfect relationship, the dream. What would it be like? You could be yourself, say whatever you wanted without being "told off", check up on your DP and probably be thanked (rather than being given the silent treatment). He would ask you what YOU wanted to do, worship the ground you walked on, treat you well. It would be a relationship of equals. You would sparkle and shine.

I'm afraid what you're experiencing now is so far from this and has so little potential to turn into anything healthy and mutually respectful that you need to tell him it's over.

Being single is fine and good people do come along when you least expect it.

One final thought- I don't believe you're really in love with him - I think you're in love with the way you feel when you're with someone (anyone). Maybe that will make it easier to end it with this guy. Honestly he sounds a bit dangerous if he is so quic to get angry over small things

Tell ya what. How about imagining it like this: Your daughter is all grown up, strong, confident and lovely - and she meets a man, who is is confident and wild and just has this magnetism about him.

But, he says he has a heart problem and one day, your daughter can't get a hold of him. He wont answer his phone and your daughter is starting to get very upset and worried. An uneasy night passes and she tries to get in touch again in the morning. And when he answers the phone, instead of saying 'im fine, nothing to worry about, sorry for making you worry', he screams at her for waking him up and hangs up the phone.

She is upset and you, having now seen a different side to mr charming, ask her if he has behaved similar before. She tells you...everything that you have just told us (the cracks, the turbulence, the silent treatment, the lack of consideration for her feelings, the short fuse ect...). And at the end she adds 'but it was my fault for calling him and making him mad, he doesn't like it when i call when he isn't expecting it'.

How would you feel? What would you tell her? Is this a man you would want near your daughter? If it wouldn't be good enough for your daughter, it shouldn't be good enough for you.

You say you’ve ‘learned’ not to call him. That he doesn’t care if you don’t and will hang up if you do. But take calls when he’s with you? He is training you to never check up on him and accept that other people are worth more of his time and attention.
He is not worth any more of your time and attention.

Because I love him
That's not love OP.
Some counselling would be beneficial.
Is this what you want to teach your daughter to accept and be grateful for?

You keep on justifying and excusing his behaviour and your acceptance of it. Why did you post?

Give your head a shake and start listening op.

More signs hes a narc. Always talking about himself (selfish, self centred, doesnt seem to care about you because he doesnt!). Lies (all narcs are prolific liars and cheaters).

All the narcs I've dated have put the phone down on me early on in the relationship (I'm talking before 6 months). This is now a red line for me as It shows total disrespect and I would end a relationship over this now.

I'm going to be blunt OP, the fact that you haven't met his family or friends and that you can only call him on his terms makes it very likely you are not his primary source of narcissistic supply.

All the heartache he is putting you through and I doubt you are the only women he is seeing. Narcs cheat prolifically because they exist only to get narcissist supply (money, sex, status etc.)

When you learn what motivates these men, you will be truly disgusted because it has nothing to do with feelings for the person they are with. It's all a trap and it's all about them and getting their needs met. Please don't let him take anymore from you than he already has. You will only live to regret it.

No judgement from me but this relationship is making you unhappy so why continue? Better to be without a man than to be anxious all the time. Please do try to relax. xx

Phew Jaffa, that was a hard post to read but it’s spot on.
I couldn’t even guess how many people my ex had on the go to feed his ego when we were together. My self esteem is still in shreds but I know now it was never my failings.
Last I heard he was cheating with at least two other people despite leaving me for ‘the most amazing woman who ever existed’. She really thought she hit the jackpot when he sleazed his way into her and her child’s life but she got the booby prize

P.s he knows ignoring you is 'killing you' and he's enjoying it OP. He's a sadistic fuck who is getting off on your pain. Take a minute to think about what this says about his character. This man is capable of far worse than he has already shown you. This is him on his best behaviour 6 months in. I would take his medical condition with a pinch of salt too. Narcs love to play the victim/sympathy card.

'How do I walk away?' block and delete the fucker. He certainly wont be expecting that and he definitely doesnt deserve any kind of explanation from you as to why. It's a tough lesson to learn but if you let people walk all over you then they will. Abusive men will keep on taking until there is nothing left and will walk away without a care in the world while you are left picking up the pieces. Dont let him do this to you. You have the power to refuse to be treated like garbage.

Trust me OP, he wont be heartbroken so dont feel guilty. He will be angry that you didnt play along with his games and might try to Hoover you for abit so keep him blocked.

My ex narc who was very distant and didnt appear to really give a shit whilst in the relationship stalked me for months when I ended things. It's not about love, it is about power and control. Take back the power and end it now

Stars it took me years to realise it wasn't my fault and there was nothing wrong with me (other than allowing myself to stay in abusive relationships).

When I finally realised it is ALL about their issues, it was very liberating but made me fucking furious. They destroy your self esteem simply because they are empty vessels of shame, jealously and detest themselves, so they have to destroy the good they see in others to cope with their failings. Its pathetic and very childlike!

The problem with abusive relationships is that many of us walk away with low self esteem, we carry the shame and self loathing the narcissist puts onto us and what is so sad is that some never see the truth that it was never our shame to carry. OP, you are stuck in this place where you cannot see. Learn about narcissism and it will become clear.

Narcs often target people with alot to offer because they want to destroy what they can never be (honest, caring, well liked, trusted etc.)

They are pitiful really when you think about it. Learning about what motivates them has really freed me from the codependency trap, although I'm still rebuilding my self esteem too. It's hard when you are constantly re victimised which is why I suggest to stay single until you have done the work. I'm not there yet but at least I can now see it had nothing to do with my failings and everything to do with theirs.

The cheating is inevitable because they lack empathy so dont feel guilt, cannot love in the true sense so have no sense of loyalty, live on double standards (so they can fuck anyone they please but you cant even talk to a male colleague) and they need their fragile ego stroked at any opportunity.

If you're with a narc, you're with a cheater and they're bloody good at hiding it.

Whole lot of truth bombs there, Jaffa!!
You sound amazing and I’m sorry you’ve had to deal with a shitbag like this too. I never, ever thought I’d be the type of woman to fall for that kind of person, much less tolerate SO much terrible behaviour but I did and then some.

What you said about them wanting to be what they can’t be is so true. My ex hated that I was more financially secure (even though he earned more) and would insult my (bought) house for being too small/in a shit area/too old despite living in rented himself.

If I said something funny he’d refuse to laugh but would repeat his ‘joke’ in front of friends and be pissed off if they didn’t get it.

The more I look back the more I think WTF - who was I but he literally stripped my self esteem to the bone.