Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

My relationship is crippling me

188 replies

Tills85 · 08/07/2019 23:10

I have been with someone for about 6 months. We had a bit of a rocky start but then all was well. But for more than 1 reason I have always felt very anxious about it. I thought it was because I have been single for many years prior and wanted it to work so much. I would describe him as a bit of a lose canon. Good heart but a bit wild. He thinks a lot of himself and likes to talk about himself. I'm a quiet person and we kind of worked. But on many occasions I have noticed my needs are never a priority. Kind of like well you will be fine you always have managed. Recently we have made a decision we were both ready gor him to meet my DD. They hit it off and all was well. So it seemed. But tgere were cracks showing all the time. I think i knew it but wanted to ignore it. He has a short fuse with me not with others. I have to be very careful what I text, say or when I call. It is always on his terms, his time. He is keeping me on an arms lenght from his friends which I never met and family. I know he lied on number of occasions. Not about anything big but still. I am very forgiving and always kind of just leave it becahse I don't see a point in huge arguments. Byt recently something happend. He became very cold, distanced himself from me. Reduced contact. 1 day I have not heard from him all day which was unusual. But I left it. But hours later I text, called and nothing. When I called again his phone was off. I panicked because I had reasons to think he something could have happend to him (due to his health issues). I couldn't sleep all night I was driving myself crazy. I tried again in the morning and got through. He was very angry I woke him and put the phone down. I apologised but he has since ignired me and not spoke to me number of days. It is killing me and I don't know what to do. I cry can't eat or sleep. I'd so much rather him to tell me he's angry than to give me this silence treatment because it is killing me. Please don't judge me I just want need some advice. What do I do?

OP posts:
Tills85 · 08/07/2019 23:58

But is it abuse? He doesn't tell me what to wear, who to see or not see how to behave. He doesn't do any of that. Its just the ignoring part, the short fuse sometimes. But am I not the 1 in the wrong? Am I not expecting too much?

OP posts:
Etino · 08/07/2019 23:58

His reasons are irrelevant. You need to get out. Prioritise tour well-being, do the Freedom Programme and look after yourself and your DD.

Flowersand a gentle kick up the arse

Pantsomime · 08/07/2019 23:58

you know deep down OP you just lack the confidence to face it- but you must deal with it before he destroys you and then moves on.
Put your DD first and protect her by dumping him by ghosting him back. You need to Block him but I guess you won’t.
This is hard but you have to wake up - he’s no catch he’s a dangerous and damaging disaster - saving yourself and DD is in your hands

Nanny0gg · 09/07/2019 00:03

All the answers are so scary and all say the same thing. Am I really that blind?

Up till now yes.

Am I not expecting too much?

You are not expecting nearly enough.

You have a daughter. Please listen to what is being said to you.

Theworldcouldbemymollusc · 09/07/2019 00:04

This is how emotional abuse, coercive control, gaslighting and stonewalling begins. All this confusing behaviour is because he is testing your boundaries/teaching you how to behave to meet his needs. This will go downhill and you will find yourself trapped/at risk. He has shown you who he is now get out

TeaForTheWin · 09/07/2019 00:04

Silent treatment and getting angry at you for no reason (in order to make you question your own actions) - abusive. Common behaviour of certain sorts to break you down and condition you to never doing or saying anything they don't like.

He DOESNT CARE that he is upsetting you, he DOESNT CARE that he is worrying you, he DOESNT CARE that you want to be re-assured. Infact, that's all part of an abusers plan-having you upset, not sleeping, worried sick - he WANTS you to feel that way.

A good person cares, re-assures their partner that they care and their ACTIONS show that they care. This guy is not a good person...he isn't even a half decent one. He is a nasty peace of work.

2018SoFarSoGreat · 09/07/2019 00:07

oh OP. Please let this one go free, and focus on you and your DD's happiness and well being. This one sounds like a nightmare waiting to get worse, not better. Don't settle for this treatment. It is abuse. Control and abuse. Get out now while you can.

Flowers
Littlejets · 09/07/2019 00:08

You must definitely have a textbook narcissist on your hands here. Get out now!!!!

Tills85 · 09/07/2019 00:08

I'm so scared of being on my own

OP posts:
Theworldcouldbemymollusc · 09/07/2019 00:10

Believe me being in your own is much better than ending up broken by this man and dependent upon him. Please leave

PickAChew · 09/07/2019 00:10

A rocky start is al you need to walk away from. I bet he doesn't love you, like you think you love him,

Chouxalacreme · 09/07/2019 00:11

Why ? What are you scared of exactly ??

Littlejets · 09/07/2019 00:11

It's better to be on your own than with a narcissist believe me. You will find someone who deserves you.

Isatis · 09/07/2019 00:11

I'm so scared of losing him

Why? It's pretty clear that having him right out of your life would be the best thing that could happen to you. Think about the sheer relief of not worrying how he's going to react to something totally harmless, not wondering why he won't introduce you to his friends, not worrying about his short fuse, not wondering whether you're being lied to, etc etc.

How will I ever again find anyone who will accept a single mum

You don't have to. You're a fantastically valuable person in your own right, you can live a very happy and fulfilling life whether you're single or not. You don't need a man to "accept" you to validate yourself.

TeaForTheWin · 09/07/2019 00:11

And everything else aside - do you want to spend your whole life, miserable, with a man who never thinks about your feelings because (heaven forbid) the alternative is being single woman for a while? Do you want your daughter to grow up thinking being treated like crap is 'good enough' to settle for? Are you enjoying your life right now? Is this man bringing you peace? Is he bringing kindness into your life? Joy? Doesn't seem so. Relationships aren't meant to be hard or painful, they are meant to make you happy. He isn't, and he never will.

You both deserve better.

TheVanguardSix · 09/07/2019 00:11

So you’re undesirable because you’re a single mum and he’s as good as it gets? Is this what you tell yourself? Is this how little worth you place upon yourself and your daughter?

You need to leave this guy and start a loving, healthy relationship with YOU or else you’ll just keep on choosing the bad eggs. You sound like you could do with some therapy. You’re very broken. FlowersSad
Your daughter needs to learn love and strength from you, her most important role model.

Rosielily · 09/07/2019 00:13

Now, can you list his good points.......???

Theworldcouldbemymollusc · 09/07/2019 00:15

Op if you believe that no man will settle for a single mum you might as well wear a hat that says ‘abusive men come over here’
You need to do some soul searching about why you are willing to put yourself and your dad through this shitty experience. If you don’t believe that you are worth more than that then surely your daughter is worth more

Tills85 · 09/07/2019 00:16

I don't want this to sound like it is all his fault. Maybe I have been too much? I made him so anfry when I called if he was ok. Maybe I should have just left him to it?
He said his previous relationship left him cold and emotionless and it is why he struggles to show emotions. Which is hard because i am a very affectionate person but I accepted he doesn't like me showing affection and likes his own space. I look after him. I always cook for him and make sure he is happy when he is with me. But maybe all this is my fault? Have I pushed him away? If he dislikes me like you all say why doesn't he just leave?

OP posts:
Theworldcouldbemymollusc · 09/07/2019 00:20

Oh dear. This is not okay. He has already tricked you into thinking that it is your behaviour that is wrong not his. You are very vulnerable to his manipulative/abusive tactics.

gottastopeatingchocolate · 09/07/2019 00:20

I read this and honestly felt it could be my ex you are describing. I may, therefore, be projecting when I say GET OUT NOW. This isn't going to get any better, and it could potentially get a whole lot worse.

I have been on my own for 5 years. How will I ever again find anyone who will accept a single mum. It would never happen again

You do not need to be terrified to be alone. You have done it before. Better to be alone a while longer than be with someone who is making you feel the way you are describing. You clearly have a heart to love someone, and this is clouding your vision of who you are showering this love on. As cliched as it sounds, put your energy into loving yourself and raising your self esteem, until someone comes along who you can have an equal, respectful relationship with.

SallyVating · 09/07/2019 00:22

Only read the OP
Dump the cunt is what you do

TeaForTheWin · 09/07/2019 00:24

So you don't have a right to worry about the health of someone you care about So you deserved to be shouted at for calling him because you were worried sick when he dropped of the face of the earth? NAH. LISTEN to yourself! This is what his kind do. They convince you that you are 'too needy/emotional/crazy/wrong/bad' ect...ect… and mak your question your own actions.

You did nothing wrong, you behaved like anyone worried for someone would and for that he punished you.

He said his previous relationship left him cold and emotionless and it is why he struggles to show emotions Holy shit woman, how many more red flags do you need! Normal people don't LOSE their emotions because they get hurt. This is a common bullcrap line personality disorders spout to try and hide the fact that they don't FEEL things like compassion ect that normal people do.

And he dislikes you because he dislikes everyone. The way the narcissist function is by choosing someone to shit on and emotionally crush in order to feel better about themself. They need a source to suck dry. He doesn't leave you because he is a parasite. It doesn't mean he care about you, there are plenty of other poor women out there to suck dry. You are just conveniant right now.

Don't let the dirty leach stay latched onto you anymore.

Tills85 · 09/07/2019 00:25

When he's with me I feel like i belong to someone. Like i am someones person. He brought fun back into my life even tho i don't agree with all of the ideas of fun he does. There were time he helped me with certain things, took me where I needed to be, ocasionally cooks for me which is something no one has ever done before. Without him my life will be back to work home pattern being alone. Nit being anyones person. Just on my own. And trust me after being alone for years after leaving the most toxic man you could ever imagine is not easy. It took me years to recover from my ex who is very clearly controlling, emotionally abusive and manipulating. Years on my own to then finally find someone who wants to be with me. How do i walk away?

OP posts:
justilou1 · 09/07/2019 00:32

You just know that the longer this goes on the worse it’ll end.... he’s already abusive and controlling.

Swipe left for the next trending thread